


Both A Little Broken

by Here_To_Be



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Kidnapping, Stuff, Swearing, This is my first post ever... sorry, Violence, fluff? ...maybe...?, relationships that I probably messed up somehow..., relationships???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 22:43:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 80
Words: 130,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7241791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Here_To_Be/pseuds/Here_To_Be
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena's night is as typical as ever, pasta and TV.  But tonight she meets someone she wasn't expecting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting anything, so I'm sorry if I don't get the characters quite right. Also, not sure what tags to put on this... there's just so much...  
> Here goes nothing!!! 0_o

There’s a crash outside in my garage. I step out, brandishing a tiny frying pan in shaky hands. ‘If this is Allister back looking for booze I swear I’m gonna whack him in the head with this. Lord knows he’ll be too drunk to dodge... He needs to stop breaking in!!’ 

I open the door and step into the dark room. ‘I don’t see him, I don’t even smell him. Maybe I was hearing things?’ I’m about to head back to bed when I see a flash of movement in the little light. The side door is also open a crack, creaking quietly as it sways in the wind. 

“Hello?” My voice is as shaky as the pan as I walk closer. When I get around my car I can see a man leaning on the table, beat all to shit. He spins, his blue eyes locking on me. I drop the pan and move forwards. ‘How in the hell is he even standing?!’ As I take a step he lurches backwards, raising a knife in my direction. His eyes look like a wounded, trapped animal... “I’m not going to hurt you...” I hold my hands up to show him. My eyes trace over him. Bullet wounds, scrapes, cuts, bruises, and no small amount of blood. 

“Get back.” He growls out. 

“You need to get those clean, if you’ll just come inside-”

“Get back!” He yells this time and I flinch, my hands still up.

“Okay, then just wait here. I’ll be right back.” I walk backwards slowly, making sure to not make any sudden movements. I turn at the door and run into the house for my first aid kit. ‘What are you thinking? Who knows what that guy does, has done? He could kill you! ... But he needs help, badly… He’s going to die otherwise...’ I snatch the box from the bathroom closet and dash back out. 

When I reach the garage my heart drops. He’s not here anymore... I hope he goes to a hospital-I freeze when I see a leg on the floor. He fell over? Oh my God, is he dead!!??

I move closer quickly and I can hear him groaning. Okay, not dead... Still needs help, probably lost a ton of blood... Nice and slow now, we don’t need him any more scared or angry... 

His eyes are locked on me again, looking more afraid than before. I very carefully crouch down onto my knees before inching closer. His body tenses, hands bunching up into fists. ‘He could still hit me…’ 

“I’m not going to hurt you. You need to have those looked at-” I nod to the various wounds and foolishly reach out to pick a piece of glass in his arm. He grabs my arm, his grip like a vice. 

“Get-” Is that the only thing he knows how to say?

“-that’s all I’m going to do. Nothing else.” I interrupt him softly. I don’t fight the monster grip on my arm, knowing that it was going to leave a bruise either way. He holds on a bit more before letting go. I shake out my hand, feeling some pins and needles as I open the box, and skooch closer. His panicked eyes never leave me.

“My names Lena. What’s yours?” I try and start a conversation but he doesn’t make a single sound. I’ll just keep going then... “I’m 23 years old and a medical coder at the clinic down on 25th street. I guess listening to all that medical gobbledygook is finally coming in handy.” 

I spread everything out, making sure I have enough of everything. Here’s to hoping... I grab a Wal-Mart bag from the work table above us for any garbage. 

“Okay, I’m going to get the glass out of your arm now. I’m going to try and do it gently as I can but...” I trail off. There’s only so much I can when giant shards of glass are embedded in an arm. Really, they are impressively large… I hope they didn’t cut anything they shouldn’t have, I don’t need him bleeding out on my watch. 

I sigh and pinch the largest between my thumb and forefinger. I tug and he hisses, his other arm moving with sudden speed to grab my arm again. I look down when I feel cool metal instead of warm skin.

He’s got a metal arm... Okay, sure, why not? His grip is tighter than it was before, the new metal arm not making it any more comfortable.

“I’m sorry that it’s going to hurt, but you need to get the glass out.” I say as calmly as I can. His heavy breath is the only sound in the garage for a minute before he lets go. “Alright, let’s get this done.” I pull the piece out quickly, ready with a towel to mop up the blood. His head hits the ground, biting down a low groan. I work as fast I as can while still making sure I don’t hurt him more than necessary. 

I don’t know what he was doing but having this many wounds and still being able to move around was impressive. Stupid as heck, but impressive. Looks like he’s come from a battle field or something. I keep up a steady stream of chitchat, more for myself than anything else. Once what I can see has been taken care of I sit back and take a deep breath. God I’m tired...

“Okie dokie, I need to get that jacket thing off you. Because I can see blood seeping through it.” I get it off of the injured, normal arm first, much to the man’s dismay. His leather jacket, which is ridiculously tight, is cool looking even with just one sleeve. It shows off his metal arm which I’m sure scares people. He’s not leaning up so I’m just going to have to settle for pushing the under shirt up. 

I was right, he’s got a nasty gash on his abdomen. I mutter about him having a death wish but again he ignores me. I clean it first before deciding that it’ll need stitches. Since I know he’s not going to go to a hospital, not after all the growls I got when mentioning it before, I get up to find some fishing line and needles. I really don’t want to do this... I can feel the vomit in the back of my throat just as the thought of pushing a needle though flesh.

I come back to the garage with an armful of supplies. A needle, fishing line, a lighter, some disinfectant, some ice, a couple Ibuprofen, a glass of water, more bandages, and a stomach that could not be any sicker if I tried.

“Here.” I hand him the pills and the water. “You’re going to want that.” He ignores me and I frown. “Take the damn pills. I’m going to feel bad enough about this, I don’t need you in more pain then you have to be... Seriously, take them...” He glares at me before downing them without the water. 

I wrap the ice in a towel before pressing it around the area of the wound, hopefully taking down some of the swelling. This also gives me time to get everything else ready, including my nerves. I hold the needle over the lighter before cleaning it and the fishing line with disinfectant. 

Once the swelling is down and the ice is gone I take yet another deep breath. My hands, however, are surprisingly steady considering what I’m about to do. ‘I can do this, I have to...’

I push the needle in and the man bites back yet another groan. I hold down the vomit and push it through to the other side. 

“You have to go… at a... steeper... angle...” He pants out. What do you know, he does speak English, I had been starting to wonder. I nod in response and on the next stitch I go steeper. Halfway through he’s biting into the collar of his jacket to hold back the groans.

“DONE!” I fall back onto my butt the second I finish, all the energy just flooding out of me. “Okay, let me just finish bandaging it up and then you can rest for a bit.” He's got quite a few bandages on but at least he looks better than before.

His eyes still follow my every move but he doesn’t look as frightening as he did before. I’m sure he’s tired.

“I’ll go get you a pillow or something. You want anything to eat, I’m starving...” His face says no but there’s no way he’s not hungry... I’ll just leave some food out here for him.

I come back with a big pillow and a plate with a PB+J sandwich, a handful of chips and an apple. I set the plate down near his metal arm which seems to be working fine. It’s really cool looking... I wonder why he’s got it, beyond the reason that he clearly lost an arm.

I move to his head, to help him get situated on the pillow but he tenses up again. I roll my eyes, tired of this tough guy act.

“Look, you’ll be more comfortable with a pillow. Concrete isn’t exactly the nicest thing to sleep on, at least with a pillow you won’t wake up with a headache along with all the pain from the crap you got into.” He halfheartedly glares at me but the blood loss along with everything else takes the fight out of him, allowing me to gently lift his head and slide the pillow under. “Alright, I’m going to bed, I’ve gotta be at work in the morning bright and early. Try not to move around too much.”

My alarm sounds and I wake up in a daze. God, I’m still so tired... But I gotta go to work, can’t pay for anything if you don’t. Once I’m dressed I head out the garage, wondering if that guy from last night stuck around. 

He’s gone, not that I was expecting him to stick around. I grin as I pick up the plate. At least he ate... I grab a granola bar before heading off to work. Everyone is as nice as ever, giving me nods and good mornings as I walk in.

“Lena, you... Well, you look like shit.” I roll my eyes as I sit at my desk.

“Thanks Jake, it means a lot to me.” Jake is probably the closest thing I have to family. I met him in the coding classes and we instantly bonded. His latest boyfriend, however, is a different story. That guys the biggest kind of scum bag. If I had a dollar for every time Jake walked in with a new bruise or cut then I’d be rich enough not to work anymore. 

“But really, you’ve got the biggest bags under your eyes. What did you do last night?” I mull over if I should tell him or not... 

Definitely not.

“Binge watched Leverage and lost track of time.” It was a believable lie, I love Leverage and I’m really quite good at losing track of time. Jake chuckles before we both start to get to work. It’s gonna be a long day, I’m already dead tired...

When I get home and turn on the TV the news is in uproar over the assassination of some political guy. I sigh and turn it off, I don’t need to see stuff like that. In no time people will start coming out with conspiracy theories and before you know it, it was the aliens that did it. I heard enough of those stories before my mom and dad died. It was an accident, their plane crashed on the way back from a vacation. If my dad were still around he’d have blamed the government for it, claiming that they were trying to keep him quiet.

I jump into the shower, trying to wash away the tenseness from my muscles. My mind flashes back to the man from last night and sigh. My dad would have had a field day with that...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no clue where this is going. It's pretty much just being written between jobs and school...

The months pass and before I know it its winter. Snow covers the ground and getting up in the morning is that much harder. No one wants to leave a nice warm bed for the icy temperatures outside.

“Jake, I don’t know... I don’t sing anymore...” 

“It’s karaoke, it’s barely singing. Come on please? It’ll count as your birthday present to me...” His voice whines from the other side of the phone. He knows I can’t say no when he says it like that.

“You know your birthday isn’t for another six months...”

“So? Now you don’t have to worry about getting me a present, although I won’t be upset if you get me one anyways.”

“I haven’t even said yes yet!”

“But I know you won’t say no.” He grinning like the Cheshire cat right now, I can hear it in his cheeky voice.

“Fine, pick me up on the way.” He cheers and I sigh, hanging up before I change my mind. I’m not looking forward to this...

I’m bundled up in a heavy coat, scarf, gloves, and boots and it’s still too cold. To make matters worse, Jake’s dinky old car’s heater doesn’t work well. I grumble the entire way there but Jake just laughs.

His friends mob us when we get there. I know everyone but I wouldn’t really call them friends. They’re nice enough, if a bit loud, and they let me tag along every now and then when I get the urge to go into the outside world. 

“Drinks on me!” One of his friends shouts and I can’t believe that guy is that stupid. He’s gonna be broke within the first hour...

Jake heads off the bar to grab me and him some drinks. I sit down near a table by the stage and take off all the layers. 

“Bottoms up!” He pushes a drink into my hands and we down them. I’m not usually one for alcohol but if he’s gonna make me sing then I’m going to need anything I can get. 

After three he pushes me to the stage and I giggle, already fairly tipsy. The first song comes on and I sign along, just plain old singing. By the third I’m belting out the notes and jamming to the song. Jake is cheering for me, having the time of his life. 

Once I’m done, I feel better, a bit more sober. Jake is hanging onto me, very near dead drunk. He compliments me, drooling as he tries to have another drink.

“I knew you’d be here, let’s go.” The voice of his angry, recently ex, boyfriend breaks through the happy haze I had been walking around in.

He grabs Jake’s arm but I hold on tight. He snarls something angrily before dragging us both outside. The cool air sobers us both up quick, the cold biting through the thin long sleeve shirt and jeans.

“Stay out of it, bitch. You’ve been nothing but trouble!” Abusive dirt bucket! I stand up tall, as tall as my 5’4” can look, ready to give him what for but he reaches behind him and pulls out a gun. Jake goes frantic, telling me to let him go, to leave him behind. Like heck I’m going to do that. 

I take a step and his ex- waves the gun in my face with a whole new string of colorful words to call me. I take another step and when he waves it this time I quickly disarm him, ending up with the gun in my hands aimed at him.

“What the fu-?”

“Get lost.” I say, my voice as steady as my aim. He turns and runs, calling me crazy among other things. I head to an ally and start to take apart the gun throwing the different pieces into the dumpsters.

“Where did you learn that?” Jake asks as he shivers.

“My dad was a gun freak. And a conspiracy theorist. He wasn’t about to let his daughter walk around defenseless.” But I hated it, every single thing he taught me I tried to forget. But I practiced so much that somethings just seemed second nature now. “Now, Jake, I think it’s time to head home. You can stay at my place.” He nods and we grab our stuff quickly and leave.

“Thank you, Lena” He mutters as he passes out in my guest bed. I nod, tugging off his jacket before tucking him in. Once he’s all set I head to my room and collapse into bed, not bothering to change.

~~~~~

Jake has signed up for self-defense classes in the two weeks since our little outing. He was super impressed with what I could do, telling me many times he wants to be just like me. He completely breezed over how much I hated it. On the plus side he hasn’t had any more trouble with that scum bag. 

I’m half way through an episode of Leverage when I hear someone in the garage. Again I grab the frying pan, ready to actually see Allister this time. I open the door only to be dragged in and slammed against is as it closes.

“Why am I here?” A low voice growls and when I get my bearings back I make out the form of that guy from before. 

“Hello to you too.” I say, dropping the pan. His grip is tight and he’s going to leave more bruises... great... 

“Why?” He repeats the question and I shrug.

“How should I know? You look like crap again.” His face has cuts and bruises, although he doesn’t seem quite as bad as he did before. “And let me just say that you look much more frightening with that mask on. But the eyes, they might be a bit much... The smoky eyes look really doesn’t do it for you. Not as easy as seen on YouTube, is it?”

“Again?” Breezing past my comments on his fashion I see...

“Yeah, a couple month you broke in and I patched you up, you wouldn’t go to the doctors. Don’t you remember?” He doesn’t answer, just watches me with those pained eyes. He lets me go and I fall to my knees, trying to bare the pain in my chest and shoulders. “You have amnesia or something?” Again he doesn’t answer, he just watches me.

I stand on shaky legs and glance over at him. His metal arm shines in the dim light, my eyes drawn to it momentarily. I shake my head and sigh.

“Sit there, I’ll be right back.” He seems slightly affronted by my ordering him around. I turn around before I can see if he listened or not, heading inside to grab my restocked first aid kit and food. 

When I get back, I’m pleasantly surprised to see him sitting down on the stool my dad used to use when he tinkered around in here. He’s as tense as ever though. I set the plate down in front of him before getting everything out of the kit. He just watches me, not moving a muscle.

“Go on and eat, you’ve got a good arm. Let me see the other one.” He pauses a moment before slipping off his jacket and resting his arm on the table. “Eat.” I nod to the plate as I start to disinfect his arm. 

This time around I stay quiet, not nearly as nervous as I was the last time. This time he’s not near death... He takes off the mask and picks up the sandwich, taking a tentative bite before scarfing the thing down. I let a small smile break through my serious expression. 

He’s got quite the bump on his head but there’s not much I can do for that. The cuts and scrapes are easier this time, no stitches required. ‘Hmm, I wonder how that healed.’ Without thinking I reach for the hem of his shirt. His artificial arm moves like lightning, grabbing mine in a signature grip and I wince, willing myself not to struggle. 

“Sorry, I keep forgetting. I just wanted to see how the wound on your abdomen healed.” 

“How did you know-?”

“I was the one who stitched it up, probably pretty badly... Sorry about that, but in my defense it was my first time doing that kind of thing. Can I see?” I look up into his eyes and sigh internally. He really needs to go on a spa vacation or something. The poor guy is much to tense... Another moment is spent in his grip before he lets go and pulls his jacket up, showing me a long scar across his abdomen. “Not too bad... I think...” He’s got a dark purple bruise on his side and I sigh out loud this time. I grab some cream and rub it on before skimming my finger over his scar. 

I’m pretty proud of myself right now. I’m not a doctor- I’m not even a CNA! -but I gave someone stitches and it worked. 

He watches me closely. It’s a bit unnerving now that I think about it... I look back at him, taking in everything. He’s kinda handsome, or at least he would be if he took a shower. He’s got dried blood and grime cover his face and neck, not to mention that black gunk around his eyes.

“Alright, now, come in and take a shower. You’re filthy, I mean, really, don’t they have showers where you come from?” I stand up but he seems to have no intention of following my lead. “You can’t sleep like that, you’ll get the guest sheets all dirty.”

“I’m not going to-”

“Yes, you are. You look like you haven’t slept in a week and haven’t showered in twice that long.”

“I’ve killed people.” His voice rough, eyes like ice.

“Yeah, okay. Let’s go.” I open the door for him and motion for him to walk out. 

“I’m not-”

“I’ll drag you if I have to.”

“You couldn’t even if-”

“True, but I’m sure my attempts would annoy you. Come on, please?” I try asking nicely and after another moment he stands and walks out. I lead him into the house, setting the plate and glass in the sink as we walk past. “Alright, bathroom is second door on the left upstairs. Towels are in the closet. If you toss your clothes down the laundry chute I’ll throw them into the wash. I should have some spare sweats around here.” He stands perfectly still again, probably questioning my sanity. “Go on.” I wave my hands to the stairs and he leaves, his heavy boots thudding on the stairs in an uneven pattern. Crap, I forgot to check his legs...

When I hear the door shut and the shower turn on I smile. I head to the laundry room, contemplating what I’ve actually done. He said he’d killed people... And I believe him, you can see it in his eyes, he’s seen some stuff. With how beat up he is it also makes sense. When I see his jacket, pants and shirt in the basket I hold them up. He’s really tough on clothes. I toss them into the washer and set it on speed wash. 

After it’s in and going I head off to the back closet to see if there’s any of dad’s old clothes that he would fit into until his are dry. I snag a pair of black sweats and a white t-shirt. They don’t smell too bad, a little bit like cardboard but other than that they’re fine. Especially since they’ve been in there since they died six years ago. I knock on the door, still hearing the shower running, before talking loud enough for him to hear me.

“I gonna leave these on the counter!” I set them down and dash out. Once the door is shut I head to my room and get changed. I can’t stay up as late tonight as I did last time he popped up. I’ve switched the laundry by the time the shower cuts off. 

I get my lunch of leftovers packed up so I can just grab it and go in the morning. It’s nothing special, just goulash, but it beats eating vending machine food all day. It’s starting to hit me, I’m basically going to have a sleepover with someone who confessed to me to be a killer. But, I mean, he didn’t kill me that last time he was here... I put some milk into a sauce pan on the stove with sugar, cocoa powered and a bit of vanilla. As it starts to simmer I hear the telltale squeak of the bottom step. He certainly came down the stairs silently. 

I turn from the sauce pan and look over at him. Not only does he look better all cleaned up but he also looks less threatening in sweats. 

“You want some hot chocolate? My mom used to make it when I couldn’t sleep...” He’s drying his hair with the towel and nods after a moment of hesitation. I nod back, willing myself not to get nervous as he watches every move. When it’s finished I pour it into two mugs, adding some whipped cream on top with a sprinkle of cinnamon. “Here you go.” I hand him one before starting to sip my own. 

We stand there in awkward silence as we drink. I ask about his leg but he doesn’t answer me. Whatever, at least he can still walk... As much as homemade hot chocolate usually relaxes me, it doesn’t seem to have the same effect as usual. Gee, I wonder why?

“Um, oh yes! The guest room is the first room on the right. It should be all set, I had a friend over a few weeks ago so everything was washed. And your clothes should be done in the morning, in the room down that hallway.” He drinks the hot chocolate and I nod to myself. “Alright then, I’m off to bed then. Goodnight.” I finish the last of my drink, put the cup into the sink and head upstairs. 

Sleep comes surprisingly easy all things considered.

~~~~~

As I thought, the man was gone in the morning, no evidence in the room that he’d even slept there apart from the rumpled covers and the folded sweats and shirt at the foot of the bed. 

I brush my hair, getting dressed for the department meeting we have today. I’m supposed to try and dress up but I’m not really big into dresses and stuff. I do have one skirt and I throw a light blue blouse on, it’s gonna be as good as they can get. I’m usually a skinny jeans, fitted t-shirts, and flannel. I was wearing flannel long before it became popular, it was all my mom would buy when I was a kid... The people at the meeting are going to have to settle with my red flats with white polka dots because those are the nicest shoes I own. All I really own are flats and some rain boots... God, I need to go shopping...

I braid my long hair back and look into the mirror. No too bad, not exactly beautiful either. I try and put some eyes shadow on but it doesn’t look good. My eyes are blue, but you really have to look closely or be in the right light, otherwise they look almost black. Add all that to my tiny stature and I’m not much to look at. I wish I had more curves, wish I was a bit taller, but oh well...

The meeting goes well, no one making too much of a fuss at the new regulations that state was requiring us to have. It helps that’s it’s nothing to major for the coders. The nurse, doctors and such have it much worse.

It’s a pretty boring next six months. I go to work, I come home, I watch TV or browse the internet, go to bed, then go back to work in the morning. Nice and routine, just like I like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Here's some more... :) I hope I'm getting Bucky at least kind of close to how he would be...

I hear the door of the garage shut and I sigh. I head out, not even bringing the pan this time. When I get in there I’m once again shoved up against the wall and questioned.

“Maybe I should just give a key.” I suggest as I try and breathe with a metal arm again crushing my chest as he holds me against the door. “Then we wouldn’t have to do this each time.”

“Why-”

“Are you here? Like I said last time, not a clue. You obviously have memory problems but maybe some part of your unconscious mind remembers coming here when you were near death. I saved you so now when you’re hurt, you show up here. That’s the best guess I’ve got. Did you get shot?” He keeps his grip on me as I talk. Time for more high collared shirts...

“You’re-”

“Lena. Lena Pella. And you’re Mr. Metal-Arm. Are you going to let me down so I can look at that?” He releases me and I take a deep breath, reveling at the sweet air.

I manage to coax him into the house before I clean his wounds. He’s silent, but my mind is running a mile a minute. If he gets shot this often, if he really kills people, then surely he can clean his own cuts and bullet wounds. Which begs the question, why **does** he come here? I guess it really is an unconscious thing?

I send him up to take a shower. I have to finish making dinner as well as finish some work. He walks back down, showered but still wearing his dirty clothes.

“My mission is done, I have to go and give the report.” He sounds almost robotic as he talks. Mission?

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you sleeping.”

“I get put to sleep when I get back.” That sounds... sketchy...

“Um, alright. You’re not that beat up this time... Have a safe trip.” I smile up at him and he watches me closely like he always does. He turns and leaves without saying anything else.

I’m not sure what to do because I’m starting to feel something. Something I don’t think you’re supposed to feel for someone who said they’re a killer. Pretty sure you’re not supposed to crush on them... But he’s just so handsome and mysterious and… dang I need to get out more!

When the Mac and Cheese is done I sit and eat it in front of the computer, filling out paper work until early in the morning, at least it’s my day off...

~~~~~

Over the next two years he’ll pop up every couple of months, beat up and shot. And every time he doesn’t remember me or why he’s here. If he’s not too injured, he’ll leave after a shower, saying he needs to give the report. If he’s lost a lot of blood or broken something he’ll stay the night and leave at God-awful early in the morning without a word. Not that I mind much. I just worry about what whoever gets his mission reports does to him afterwards. That’s the only reason I can think of for him never remembering anything about his visits.

I can almost kinda predict when he stops by now. If there’s some sort of commotion on the news then there’s about a fifty-fifty chance that he’ll show. Which makes me all the more nervous as to what he does for a living.

But recently everything in the world has been changing. I think my dad would give anything to be alive right now, to be able to see what’s going on, he’d have so much fun with all the conspiracy theories. Heck, I’m sure one or two of his might have turned out to be true.

As far as change goes I think one of the many major things is that Tony Stark, who was a weapons developer/millionaire, is now a crime fighting guy in a robot suit. And there were aliens in on Earth, real, actual aliens from a worm hole in the sky attacked New York. And superhero’s stopped them, like straight out of a comic book...! Thor, Thor Odinson from Norse mythology, was here saving Earth from more aliens just last week. I don’t think anything is going to surprise me any more...

I’m halfway through a personal pizza when once again there in noise in the garage. I grab a piece and walk out, the slice held in my mouth as I open the door. Once open I grab the piece, fully expecting the sudden grab from my metal armed friend.

“Pizza?” I hold the slice out to him but he is just as angry and confused as always. “Why am I here?” “Who are you?” “What are you doing?” I answer all the familiar questions easily, taking a bite of pizza every between each one.

He looks at me like I’m the crazy one before setting me down. He leans into the wall only to slide to the ground with a groan. Oh jeez, he’s badly hurt again...

I dash back, grabbing my kit, which I know left just inside the door and run back. I start to clean him up efficiently, I’m getting quite good at this. He’s got a dislocated shoulder, rapidly losing blood from somewhere because it’s starting to drip onto the floor, and another nasty bump on his head. Whatever he’s been doing he’s really been putting his head into it... Okay, this is a bad time for an equally bad pun.

He’s his usual quite self, watching me carefully as I work.

“I’ll grab you something to eat.” I head back inside with the kit and make him another PB+J sandwich, he likes those I think. That or he’s always so hungry that he’ll scarf down anything. I walk back into the garage to see a lot of men in there, at least ten. All dressed in dark clothes except one who’s in a suit. They all also have guns except the one who seems to be in charge. I set the plate on the table before I drop it.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding out after missions. I guess we didn’t wipe everything. That won’t happen again. Grab her.” Wipe? Like memory wipe? The men come at me and what my dad taught me comes as naturally as breathing. The first three men are down in no time, not expecting me to be able to fight back. But the odds aren’t anywhere close to even and I no longer have the element of surprise. They surround me shortly thereafter and knock me out.

~~~~~

I come too strapped to an odd chair thing. It smells like antiseptic and metal. I can see the man with the metal arm strapped down like me although it’s much more serious looking restraints on him. When they see that I’m awake, they turn the man to fully face me and me to him.

“Who is this?” The man, who seems to be in charge asks. Mr. Metal Arm shakes his head.

“I don’t know.”

“Why do you keep going to her house after missions?”

“I don’t know.” Mr. Metal-Arm, looking like he’s in pain and angry.

“You have to know something. There is no reason for you to go, you have your orders yet still you visit when injured. Why?”

“I. Don’t. Know.” The man in charge sighs before turning to look at me with a cold smile.

“Do you know who this is?” I shake my head. He’s never told me anything before. “You’ve just been helping a dangerous stranger who breaks into you house whenever he shows up without any knowledge of who he is or what he does?” It sounds like a really dumb idea when you say it like that. I nod. “See, I don’t buy that.” The man nods and people start hooking me up to machines. I try and fight but the restraints keep me immobile for the most part. “I’d apologize for this but I’m not that sorry because it seems that you’ve broken our perfect weapon. Now, I’ve got to know how because this is troublesome. This is going to hurt.” He assures me but I shake my head, tears already flowing. I try and yell at him but the gag keeps me silent.

“What are you doing?” Mr. Metal-Arm asks, looking at me curiously.

“I’m figuring out how she broke you. One of you is going to tell me.” He flips a switch and my body seizes up.

The pain... oh my God, the pain!! I scream around the gag, crying my eyes out.

“I don’t know who she is! She hasn’t done anything to me!”

“That’s not true, now is it? Because if it were, you wouldn’t care what was happening to her. That’s how we made you, how we keep you. We wipe all your memories for that very purpose. But somehow you manage to go to her whenever you’re hurt. Why?”

“I don’t know!” He yells back.

“Not good enough!” The man flips another switch and the pain increases, I didn’t even think it was possible... Every muscle is spasming, my body involuntarily jerking against the restraints. Not that it does any good. My skin is being rubbed raw from the rough leather, blood and sweat starting to cover me.

I don’t know how long this goes on for. The man will ask the questions to me and Mr. Metal-Arm but I can hardly answer in my current state and the other guy keeps insisting he doesn’t know.

Eventually they stop and my exhausted body is dragged to a cell when I am told I will be for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna stop naming the chapters after the chapter number, I feel like it should be self evident that this is chapter 4 without me writing in Chapter 4 as well... :)

It must have been a month by now. At least a month... Maybe more, maybe much more. I don’t know anymore. 

They keep dragging me into that room with the other man. They keep hurting me, they keep questioning us, but I don’t know anything and neither does he. They freeze him when I’m not there, I saw it once while they took me away. And when he gets back from his missions they wipe his mind. I had to watch once, it was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. It hurts him so bad... When I’m not in the room with him, I’m in my cell. Just lying there. I’m too weak to move much and even if I could everything hurts so bad that I don’t think I could get far. 

Although lately it seems they’ve forgotten about me, or just don’t care anymore. I can still hear the man’s screams from here and I try and plug my ears so I don’t have to listen but it doesn’t help. I’ve got to get  
out of here…!

After, what hopefully was, a week of no time in the room I have strength to stand and move again. This place doesn’t seem too big, I bet if I could get out of my cell then I could just run for it. Okay, maybe that’s just my crazy side speaking, but I’ve got to try something. I hear plans being discussed of a big mission Mr. Metal-Arm is going to be sent on and I know that that is when I need to make my escape. If they’re all distracted with that mission then they won’t care about little ole me. 

Once I steal enough paper clips to make a decent pick, I work on the padlock. It’s nothing fancy, thank God. I get it unlocked and start figure out how to do it quickly. I’m going to wait until night, that’ll be my best chance to get out of here. The guards don’t check here very often, only once or twice a night. After the first guard goes I unlock the cage and start my daring escape. I can see where the man is usually held, strapped down when they wipe him... I hope he’ll be okay, he doesn’t deserve this.

I stick to the shadows, and by the grace of whatever God is out there I make it out. I feel bad but I steal some clothes when I get to a safer part of whatever town we’re in. 

Time to try my luck at hitch hiking...

~~~~~

I make it back with minimal problems, traveling most of the four hour drive with one family from Wisconsin. They’re nice enough, they even give me some food. 

When I see my house again I start to cry. I stumble in, sobbing loudly and I flop onto the couch. I find a calendar to try and figure out how long I was away for. Three weeks and five days... Feels like longer...

There are many messages on my phone, most from work concerning my rather sudden resignation. Those men must have told them so that people wouldn’t come looking for me. Texts from Jake about how everything was going, getting more worried and angry as they went on. How had those people managed to convince them that I was quitting? 

I head to the store after the bank. I withdraw all my money, much to their surprise. It’s quite a lot when you add my dad’s savings and their life insurance to what I’d been saving. I grab the basics at the store and some stuff that’ll keep for a while. 

While I’m checking out I can see on the news that some big attack took place, and I see a quick clip of what looks like the man I know. Although his face is covered... And he looks different holding a gun. 

I sprint back to my house, opening the trap door under the kitchen mat and throwing my provisions in. I am suddenly thankful for my dad’s conspiracy theory fueled paranoia. I huddle onto the small bed and cry. 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Everything is wrong. I’m not supposed to have been kidnapped by some bad guys doing shitty things to some guy with a metal arm. I’m not supposed to be afraid for my life, that was my dad. I’m supposed to be the normal one, the sane one.

I must have passed out because when I come to there are reports about heli-carriers in Washington D.C. crashing to the ground. As I eat I manage to calm down, to really listen to things and figure out what happened.

I know that the guys who took me, who used that man against his will, were Hydra. If the reports are to be believed then they have destroyed Hydra. If I think rationally about everything, Hydra should be so busy with everything that they’ll never even think twice about me. 

The man I’ve been taking care of is being called The Winter Soldier, Hydra’s best assassin. But I know that’s not true. They used him, brainwashed him into doing it. 

After a two days in the hideout I finally start to feel like myself again. I climb out and grab my laptop, starting my research on Hydra, on S.H.E.I.L.D, on Captain America and the other Avengers. If I can get to them, the Avengers, and tell them what I know about the Winter Soldier, that he’s not a bad guy, maybe they can save him. 

When there is a sound in my garage my stomach drops. ‘There is no way...’ I walk carefully out there, wishing I had brought my frying pan...

I open the door but there is no grabbing, no questions barked out as the man bit back the pain. I flip the light switch and hold my breath when I see the man sitting in the stool looking at the work table where the plate and glass still sit from last time. Mice must have gotten the sandwich but other than that everything is just as I left it.

“You’re here.” I whisper out, not wanting to startle him. He turns, not his usual suspicious self. He’s beat up again, from whatever they had sent him to do, and looking ready to pass out.

“Why-”

“Are you here?” I finish for him and he nods. He looks so broken right now, so confused. And scared as hell. He’s holding his arm, his real arm, carefully against his body. “Because... Because you’d always show up here when you got hurt. Even when they wiped your memory after each mission, you’d still come here.” In my mind I can see him straining against the restraints screaming as they put his memory through a blender. “I’d clean you up. I’d try to get you to take a shower, to eat something... If it was bad you’d sleep in the guest room... I’ll go grab my stuff, wait here.” I walk to my house in a daze, grabbing the kit before heading back out, all the movements familiar. He’s fiddling with a screw driver when I get back, lost in thought. 

“You did this often?”

“Every couple months or so.” He nods, his eyes following me like I’m used to.

“I guess we’ll clean it out here. Then, if you want to talk more, or eat something, we can go inside. Or I can bring it out... It doesn’t matter much.” He rests his normal arm onto the table like I always used to make him, taking off his dirty jacket first. “Look here for a moment.” He turns his head to me with no guff. He’s got a cut under his eye and I dab the disinfectant on before putting on some fast-acting cream on the bruise above his other eye.

“What’s your name?” I jump, still not used to him talking.

“Lena Pella. What’s yours?” Since he’s in a talkative mood maybe he’ll answer this time around. He doesn’t say anything so I assume once I again I’m not going to get an answer. Maybe he doesn’t know it anymore. He did have his mind scrambled quite a lot.

“...Bucky...?” He mutters, it sounds more like a question but I can’t help the smile that breaks across my face. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Bucky.”

“You were there.”

“Where?”

“At the Hydra base. I... I can’t... You were there, right?”

“Yeah, they took me a few weeks ago. They wanted to know what I did to you, why you kept coming back. But you never knew why, not when you’d show up and you didn’t know then. I’m sorry, they hurt you a lot for that.” Bucky shakes his head, his brow furrowed.

“I can’t... Everything is hazy...”

“That’s alright.” I assure him. I don’t expect him to remember much. But at least the Hydra people seem to be out of his head. “Would you like to come inside?” He pauses before nodding. I show him in and we stand awkwardly in the kitchen for a moment. “Do you wanna shower or something? I don’t know how long you’re going to be here for but...” He looks down at himself before nodding. “Bathroom is second door on the left upstairs. Towels are in the closet. If you toss your clothes down the chute I’ll toss them into the wash. You wanna eat?” I get another nod and a quiet thank you before heads up stairs.

I should’ve asked what he wanted to eat... Oh well. I can’t get used to him talking, at least not having a normal conversation with me. And I’ve finally got a name. Bucky. Nice name, but doesn’t really sound like it fits some bad-ass assassin. Though I suppose he had to be someone before all this, someone who fit the name Bucky... I check the laundry room and smile when I see he threw them down. At least now he doesn’t have to smell like sweat, blood and dirt while he eats. I go and grab the sweats and shirt from my closet where I’d gotten used to keeping them. I head down the hall to the bathroom so I can leave them for him but the bathroom door is already opening. 

Bucky steps out, towel around his waist and I seem to lose control of my legs. He’s got some thin scars over his body, from any number of injuries. I can’t even fathom what he’s seen. 

“I... Um... here. You used to wear these while I washed your other stuff.” I hand him the clothes and he nods, thanking me again. When he goes back into the bathroom I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m not used to seeing mostly naked handsome men in my house...

The water for the noodles is almost boiling and what’s in the other pan; bacon, rosemary, garlic, and jalapenos, is almost done simmering. When I throw the spaghetti noodles in I start to mix up the eggs, cheese, parsley, and pepper in a bowl. I can hear the squeak in the bottom step again and I know Bucky’s done. 

I don’t bother turning around, the sooner I get this done, the sooner we both get to eat. I throw the noodles in with the bacon and such before adding the egg mixture. It smells really good...

“If you give me just a moment.” I hold up a finger, dashing down the hallway to switch his laundry before coming back and taking out two plates, two forks, and two glasses. “You can take as much as you like. If you want something different I have some sandwich fixings.” He shakes his head, serving up a plateful of spaghetti carbonara for himself before reaching for my plate and doing the same. “Water okay?” He nods again and I have a feeling there is going to be a lot of nodding throughout our conversations.

Bucky brings both plates in using his metal arm, still favoring his normal one, and I bring the glasses and forks. We sit opposite each other and for a while we eat in silence. Just like usual, Bucky scarfs down the food. I guess they don’t really feed him when he’s at the base, he’s frozen. I’d be hungry too.

“Um... On the news they said that Hydra was destroyed. I was wondering if that was true. I managed to escape while everyone was preoccupied with your big mission, they aren’t going to... to come looking for me, are they?” Bucky sighs.

“Not sure. Hydra may have suffered a big loss but they are by no means destroyed or gone. They might come here looking for me, knowing that I came here in the past. But it’ll take them a while to get everything under control enough to do that. Still, I wouldn’t stick around too long.” That’s gotta be the most he’s ever said. 

“I was afraid you’d say that...” My appetite suddenly isn’t what it had been. The thought that I’m going to have to leave everything I know behind wasn’t exactly a happy thought. I try and force down a few more bites, knowing that I need to eat. 

“... If you want, I could probably get you out of the country. I owe you for all the times you patched me up.”

“You don’t even remember those times, and even if you did, you don’t owe me anything for that. I did it because I wanted to, because I couldn’t just let you die.”

“Still, the offers open. I’m gonna be trying to figure out who I am, what I am...”

“Bucky, do you... Do you remember anything?” He just sighs.

“Every time I think I’ve got it, think that I remember something, it slips away. But I can remember all the goddamn missions, every person I’ve-” He cuts himself off, glaring at the plate.

“I’m sor-” He shakes his head and I stop talking, looking at my own plate. It’s not fair what happened to him. It’s not right! 

Tears fill my eyes as I remember him screaming. I jump to my feet and walk to the living room, trying my best not to sob. I pace around, trying to think of a way to help him. But I’m just a medical coder, I’m nothing special...

The ding of the dryer pulls me from my self-loathing and I head into the laundry room. Bucky is still looking at his empty plate, angry and confused. I fold the warm clothes, laying them on top of the dryer as I do. I stack them up and bring them out when done.

“All done.” I set them on the counter. Bucky stands up, chair scratching loudly against the floor. 

“Can I stay the night?” I nod and try to smile but it doesn’t quite work. It falls and I grimace at my feet.

“I’m sorry I can’t do more, Bucky. I wish I could, but I’m just a medical coder. I can’t... I can’t do much.”

“You’ve done plenty. Think tonight about what I said. I can’t stick around for long.” I nod and he heads off with his clothes upstairs. I crack a smile when I hear him go into the room.

I never told him which one to use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	5. Chapter 5

The toilet flushing wakes me up, the damn thing was always too loud. I glance at the clock and it reads 6:00 sharp. I stretch and try to rub the sleep from my eyes. Why does he have to be an early riser? I stumble out of the room in my PJ’s, Bucky turning when he hears my door opening.

“Morning.” I mutter, my voice a bit rough. I clear my throat a few times before muttering the sentiment again.

“Good morning.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“Anything is fine.” I smile as I stretch again, arms above my head as I bend backwards.

“Be careful what you say or you’re going to be eating Nutella pancakes.”

“Nutella?”

“It’s a chocolate hazelnut spread. The best thing since sliced bread. If you could live off it I’d never eat another thing ever again... Well, maybe I’d eat bacon too, bacon is super good...” I ramble on, my brain not fully functioning yet. I think I see a teeny-tiny smile as he heads down the stairs.

“It sounds good.”

“Oh, it is, trust me. I have some frozen for just such an occasion.” That’s how I learned how to make them. You freeze little disks of Nutella the make the pancake around that. “Do you know how to cook?”

“Why?”

“Well, we’d eat much sooner if you’d cook the bacon while I make the pancakes. If not, then I’m pretty good at multitasking so it’ll be alright.”

“I think I can manage.” I nod, grabbing the pans before grabbing the ingredients. I show him how to work the stove before starting the batter. Bucky’s not too bad, all things considered. His metal arm is useful, it doesn’t hurt if the grease spatters onto it. “Water? Otherwise I’ve got some milk.”

“Milk.” I nod, pouring two glasses at the table and setting it before heading back and flipping the cakes. 

“Bon appetite.” I mutter as I dig into my food when it’s all at the table. Bucky seems to like the pancakes, which is nice to see. I suppose he hasn’t enjoyed much lately...

“Did you think about what I said?” I nod, swallowing what was in my mouth and taking a drink before trying to talk.

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I’ll take you up on your offer. They... When they took me they managed to convince everyone that I quit my job and moved away. I don’t have any family left, and I really don’t want to get any visits from Hydra...” Bucky nods, grabbing more pancakes and bacon. We eat the rest of the meal in relative silence. It’s not awkward silence or heavy silence, just peaceful quiet.

“Grab what you need, we leave in-” He cuts off as he puts his plate in the sink. He bites out a swear word before going and peeking out the bay window in front. “Now, we leave now. Let’s go.”

“What-?” 

“I shouldn’t have stayed, I should have been more careful. Damn it.” I can see police starting to line up in the street. Oh jeez... I dash up the stairs, throwing everything I could into my backpack before running back down stairs. I end up with some clothes, my grandma’s quilt and a brush. 

“Follow me.” He looks at me like I’m crazy. “My dad was a nut job, there’s a secret tunnel he built down in the hide out. It lets us out two blocks from here near the park. Come on.” I open the hatch for him, he’s once again decked out in his dark outfit, and once down there I shove the money I had into the backpack as well. Bucky gives me a weird look. “I was having a break down, I had just been kidnapped and tortured and it looked like my conspiracy theory dad was right about the world. Pardon me for taking precautions.” I defend myself as I search around for the button on the wall.

I find it and push it as hard as I can. There is a soft hissing sound as it opens. I push Bucky through first, and my heart rate kicks up a notch when I hear them breaking down my door above me. I seal the secret door as fast as I can behind me before running off.

What have I gotten myself into?

~~~~~

Being on the run isn’t nearly as fun or cool as it looks in the movies. It’s really rather nerve wrecking. Bucky’s scarily good at it though. He knows how to avoid cameras, which roads to take and where it’s safe to rest for an hour or two. 

We don’t talk much, not that I really think there’s much to talk about. He doesn’t remember much and I’d feel super guilty for bragging about my memories. I try and get him to sleep more but he doesn’t usually listen. And when he does it’s only for an hour or two that usually gets interrupted by nightmares. 

On the upside Bucky’s arm is healing well, he uses it now. And because everyone is on the lookout for him, not me, I can go and get supplies when we need them although I’m still careful to never make a scene. I’ve learned to be very careful when coming back from such outings. On more than one occasion where I came in quietly there were knives thrown and embedded into nearby walls and doors.

For the past day we’ve been hiding out in a giant abandoned building and I tell Bucky that’s he’s going to sleep. 

“There might be other people in this building. I can’t sleep-”

“You’re going to fall over at this rate.” I cut him off with a look that said he wasn’t going to weasel out of this. “And you are a ridiculously light sleeper. If anyone even steps on this floor you’ll wake up. I’m going to grab some food, maybe a newspaper, and you’re going to try and sleep, or at least relax a bit.” He mutters something about being an assassin but I ignore him, grabbing some cash before heading out.

Lucky for me, Bucky isn’t a picky eater, he’s fine with just about everything. I walk through the store, putting stuff into my basket as I pass. Nothing fancy, just the basics. Lately we’ve been having a lot of sandwiches... 

On the TV I see shots of what happened with Hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D, the relief efforts being made for where the heli-carriers crashed. There’s still the man hunt going on for Bucky as well as the other Hydra members.

The channel switches suddenly and it’s some loud mouth guy breaking down Bucky and his reasoning’s for doing what he did. Mostly he just says monster and murderer every other word. I grind my teeth as I check out. 

It’s not his fault, it wasn’t him! He had no control... He’s just another victim...

I walk back to our current hideout, ignoring the glances of people around me as I duck into the alley. I tiptoe to the back before climbing up the fire escape as quite as possible. I make it up to hear someone talking.

“You didn’t think you could hide this easily, did you?” A voice asks and my blood runs cold. They start to say something in another language- Russian?- and Bucky starts thrashing. 

“no... No! Stop it! STOP IT!” I peek around the corner to see that that guy managed to get Bucky’s metal arm to stick to a steel beam, effectively trapping him. What the heck is he saying?

I pick up a cement block and move closer as silent as I can. When I’m close enough I smash it down onto the guy’s head, cutting off whatever the heck he was saying and quickly turning to look at Bucky. My friend is groaning, his good hand holding his head as he frantically shakes it.

“Bucky? Are you alright?” I move closer and try and get the device off of his metal arm but he’s not with it. His eyes are glassed over and pained like they used to look when he showed up in my garage. He lashes out at me with his arm, kicking his legs. “Bucky, calm down! I’m trying to help!” 

I dodge as best as I can but he’s a bit faster than me, and much more desperate. He grabs my throat and I choke off halfway through his name.

“Bucky, I’m not going to hurt you, I’d never hurt you.” I croak out, my hands resting on the arm choking me. Not trying to get free, not struggling, just trying to calm him down. My lungs burn as he gets a grip on reality again, as he stops thrashing about. He drops me and I suck in the sweet air only to cough it out again, trying very hard not to pass out.

“What-?”

“It’s okay Bucky, everything’s okay...” I pat his leg and wait for him to finish calming down. He watches me with those wounded eyes, he had been doing so well with trying to get his memories back, with trying to get past the awful memories of what he’d done. Trying to focus on something good, anything good, until he could figure out who he was. But whatever that man had said, had done, messed his head up again.

“Lena?”

“Yeah.”

“What...?” Bucky’s about to ask but his eyes lock onto the man I had knocked out. Rage fills his expression, his blue eyes burning with it. He pulls his arm against the cuff and I can hear metal bending, breaking. Whether that’s his arm or the cuff I’m not sure.

“Bucky, please calm down. I don’t know how to fix metal arms so you can’t break that one. Look at me. Bucky, look at me, please.” My voice is back to normal, for the most part. My neck is killing me but I ignore it. His eyes snap to me, looking none too pleased that now I’m blocking his view of the man. “Thank you. I need you to take a deep breath, because I can’t help you if you’re in a rage.”

“I don’t want to calm down!” He barks at me and I nod.

“I know you don’t. I know you’re angry and hurting. I know that that man messed with your mind again and you would like nothing more than to beat him to a pulp.” I can see it in his eyes, I hit the nail on the head. “But you’re stuck and if you keep pulling you might break your arm. I can fix a lot these days but not that. I also don’t know how to dispose of bodies if you suddenly go off the rails and kill him.”

“I... I wouldn’t kill him.” Now the rage is slowly being replaced by the look he gets when he wakes up in the middle of the night, that haunted look. 

“That’s good. Now, if you don’t mind...” I nod to his arm and when I move to reach it he doesn’t stop me. I fiddle around with the cuff before finding a tiny switch. It releases with a zapping sound and Bucky tears his arm free. He grabs the cuff from me, attaching it to the man’s wrist before walking off with him. I lean against the wall, a hand gently touching my neck. 

I should have gotten some Ibuprofen while I was at the store.

When Bucky comes back there is no man with him. I’m a little worried but he said he wouldn’t kill him, so I believe him. He sits down near me and I hand him some of the food I’d gotten earlier. He’s still breathing hard, a thin sheen of sweat on his face. 

“Want some juice? The only water they had was the fancy expensive kind, so I picked juice instead. Plus, it’s not so bad to shake things up once in a while.” I hold out two different bottles to him. One apple, the other lemonade. He grabs the apple without looking and takes a long gulp.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” He says, his voice rough.

“I’ll be fine.” I assure him, smiling a little. I’m worried on whether or not he’s going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	6. Chapter 6

Before we head off, Bucky stops by the Smithsonian. He looks normal, having traded in his dark, attention grabbing clothes for a hoodie, jeans and a baseball cap. I’m more than a little uncomfortable here and it has nothing to do with being on the run. I just hate having this many people milling around me. That’s why I hate parties and do my best to stay away from clubs.  
  
We get to the World War II section and Bucky pauses in front of one display in particular. I keep shifting around, people bumping into me from all sides. When we don’t move on I glance up to see what he’s so interested in.

Oh my God...

It’s a memorial of sorts, dedicated to one James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky, 1917-1944. The picture... The picture looks like a cleaned up Bucky with shorter hair...

They’ve been using him all these years? Keeping him frozen when he’s not on a mission? Since 1944? Any family he had, any old friends, they’re all gone... All except for Captain America… Whose ass he just kicked for the world to see...

I’m having a really hard time keeping in all the emotions. The sadness from what happened to him, the absolute rage that people would use him like that. I mutely follow him out, I don’t think I could talk if life depended on it.

Bucky seems content with that, not talking either. We grab the last of the needed supplies before heading off to Europe. I honestly have no idea what I’m doing with my life right now...

~~~~~

The trip over was slightly less than enjoyable. I’ve never flown anywhere, not a huge fan of heights or planes. Somehow Bucky gets us past the airport security, which I guess isn’t hard when the airport is the size of a high school in the middle of nowhere. The flight, which was in a rickety old plane, was enough to convince me that flying should not be done ever again.

Once in Europe, I continue to follow Bucky blindly. If I thought we didn’t talk much before it was nothing compared to now. He’s still working through his recent identity crisis, still trying to figure what to do. I’m probably more of a distraction than a help, and I really wouldn’t blame me if he just left me in the middle of nowhere so he can go off on his own.

We’re walking out of the crowded airport, pushing our way through to the outside world. Bucky heads off to the bathroom, to change his clothes yet again, and I wait outside. As I wait two men come up to me, speaking in a different language.

“Um, I have no clue what you are saying...” They nod and switch to an accented English.

“That man you are travelling with... He looks a lot like that man from the news.” They nod to the bathroom and my heart nearly stops in my chest. “Are you in any trouble, Miss?” He gives a pointed look to my neck where the hand shaped bruise is quite visible despite my efforts to cover it up.

“James? No, he’s not the guy from the news, that other guy’s is much taller. We’re on vacation, you know how busy work can get this time of year. With everything that’s going on in the news lately we figured better late than never. But to be honest,” I lean closer to them, faking a glance around to make sure no one overheard us. “The man who we passed on the way out of the plane, he looked just like that soldier guy, he had a metal looking hand, I saw it when he got on the plane.” I nod in the direction we just came from and the men run off. When Bucky comes out I grab his jacket sleeve, you never just grab his arm, it was a bad idea, and start walking at a brisk pace.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s time to go, they thought you looked like the Winter Soldier, they came up to me. I told them that the Winter Soldier was taller and mentioned seeing someone else who looked like you going onto the plane... So, it’s time to go before they figure out the guy was just holding an iPod and doesn’t, in fact, have a metal arm.”

Bucky catches on quick, keeping my pace easily. Once we make it out we are surrounded by loads of people yet again. But at least the air out here is fresh... Well, fresher than the air in that stuffy plane or airport. We keep up our pace, trying to get through the crowd on the busy street to a secluded alley.

We make it to a less crowded area and we finally slow down. Bucky seems to be contemplating something, not really one hundred percent focused on where we’re going.

“You could have just said yes to them. Given me up. You’d be seen as a hero, you wouldn’t have any more Hydra troubles. The government would surely protect you.” Bucky’s low voice is soft and he doesn’t look at me as he talks.

“Don’t be stupid, I wouldn’t do that. You could probably keep me safer than an entire agency.”

“Yeah, I’m so good at making sure you don’t get hurt.” He glares at my neck and I sigh. “All I’ve ever done since I met you was get you hurt and in trouble. I don’t get why you helped me the first time, I don’t get why you helped me after you escaped from Hydra. I mean, it was my fault they took you, my fault they hurt you...! You should have just let me die the first time...”

That’s it!

I turn towards him and hit him in the shoulder. I forgot it was the metal one so it hurt me more than anything, but I think it got my point across.

“Shut up! I should have let you die?! Don’t talk like that! What they did to you sucked, it was awful. Yes, they made you do horrible things and I’m **sorry**.” My voice cracks over the word. “But there is no way I could have just let you die. Do you know how scared you looked that night? How much pain you were in? I was what, supposed to let you bleed out in my garage while eating some pasta in front of the TV?” He stays silent, biting back his reply when he sees how angry I am. “I did what I did because I couldn’t let you die, not like that. Not afraid and alone. No one should die alone... And yes, Hydra did take me and it hurt like hell but you know what was worse? What wakes me up at night? It’s you. Getting your memory wiped again and **again**. You, looking so defenseless and lost after getting back from a mission, insisting you knew Captain America from somewhere. I’m glad I saved you, I’m glad I did something with my life that had some positive effect on someone else. Honestly, it’s probably the best thing I’ll ever do. So please, **please** don’t tell me I should have let you die...” Bucky is finally looking me in the eyes at the end. They’re sad, much like mine at the moment. I take a deep breath and start to walk again.

A couple blocks later, just when I think were home bound walking down a small alley, two police men turn to walk down the other end, saying something into their radios.

“Shit, the guys from the airport are onto us. They’ve got the police scanning the streets. Have you ever kissed someone?” Bucky asks in a quick manner, glancing at me from the corner of his eyes.

“What?!” Why does that even matter-?

I don’t get a chance to think any of it through, Bucky grabs my upper arms and pushes me back against the door coming into the alley. He covers my lips with his own without a second thought, effectively frying my brain.

If my jelly legs are anything to go by, he’s a good kisser.

He grabs my waist, sliding me up the door so I’m a couple inches off the ground, his hips pressing against mine to keep me there. My hands cling to his shoulders, bunched up around the soft fabric of his hoodie. His metal hands is twisted in my hair, angling my head this way and that. Bucky’s other hand is busy trailing over my arm and shoulder before settling near my neck, his thumb gently gliding over the bruises.

The police walk by, saying something with a chuckle to us before heading off to finish their scan of the streets, everyone looking intently for the Winter Soldier. Once we could no longer hear their steps echoing in the alley Bucky lets me go. I stand there, mind not here at all and legs really not ready to support my weight. I grab onto the back of his hoodie and try to say something, anything.

“I... I thought that only worked in the movies...” My voice is a bit too high and breathy. Bucky snorts and shakes his head.

“Where do you think they get it from? Are you alright?” My snarky reply is right on the tip of my tongue. No, I’m not alright. I just had my first kiss while on the run from every government I could think of. I was just kissed to within an inch of my life. You’re hot! None of those things add up to “alright”

“I wasn’t expecting... that...” I wave my hand in the air. “Never been kissed either so, there’s that too...” He raises an eye brow and I roll my eyes. “I’m not a very social person. Nobody wants to date the awkward shy girl. Stop judging me.” I bat his shoulder with my free hand, sending him a halfhearted glare.

“Let’s keep moving, the safe house should be another mile or so.” He leads the way and I stumble after him. It’d look weird if I kept hanging onto his hoodie so I let go reluctantly.

It’s been a really emotional day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	7. Chapter 7

The safe house in one of those super sketchy buildings you see and assume are abandoned and haunted by a million ghosts. On the outside of the building looks good but on the inside everything is just a bit off. The inside the actual house- apartment?- is dusty but not too bad. I plop onto the floor, not caring about the dirt. Bucky heads off to look around, leaving me alone for a little bit.

My mind wanders back to the kiss... 

Blood rushes to my face, staining my cheeks and ears. I should not have enjoyed the kiss that much... I’m sure Bucky though nothing of it. You need to just move on...

But it was a really nice kiss. It wasn’t like the few I’d seen Jake get. Not rough and demanding. It was soft and warm and I swear there is a swarm of butterflies in my stomach again just from thinking about it. Stop thinking about it!

I stand up and look around the room. It’s got the most hideous walls I think I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure which is worse, the painted puke green ones or the ones covered with peeling wall paper that looks like a blind grandma chose it. It’s just bad.

The appliances all seem to work though, so that’s good. I guess a safe house doesn’t really need much other than that. The windows have newspaper over them, letting in the light but no one’s going to see much through them. I sit again, this time on the old couch and sigh. 

I have no idea what I’m doing here. Sure, I said I’d come with Bucky because I didn’t want Hydra to find me, and I do feel safe with him around, despite everything else. But what do I do now? Just take care of the place while he goes out to find who he is? Be like a house wife from the old movies? Maybe I should leave and find my own place, start a new life... I just don’t know.

Sleep must have overtaken me because I open my eyes to see the dirty floor sideways instead of the ceiling. I’m curled up on the couch and from the lack of light through the windows I guess it’s night time. My grandma’s quilt is tucked snugly around me. I sit up a bit and look around for Bucky. He’s lying on a mattress on the floor in an old sleeping bag. I snuggle back into the couch and close my eyes, pushing all the thoughts out of my head for tonight.

~~~~~

Two weeks quickly pass. We haven’t quite settled in here. Bucky wants to make sure it’s actually safe first. So we stay inside, not doing much those two weeks but sleeping and thinking, Bucky training every now and then.

The door closing wakes me up. I jump at the sound, confused as to where I was for a moment and I end up tangled in the quilt on the floor. When my mind catches up to me I can see Bucky standing there with a couple bags of something, looking at me funnily.

“Thought you were never gonna wake up.” I blink a few more times and glance at my watch. It reads 11:26. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever slept that late. 

“S-sorry...” He shrugs and unloads the bags onto the counter. I stand up and stumble over to help. He got all the basics, bread and buns, milk, some deli meat, fruit, vegetables, and some ground beef. Bucky takes the stuff out of the bags before handing them to me to put away. Just when I think he’s done, he turns to me, holding something behind his back. “What?” 

I try and peek around him but he just shakes his head. After a few more moments of suspense he shows me his hands, a jar of Nutella held out to me. The smile that breaks across my face couldn’t have been brighter if I tried. I start giggling, surprised that he remembered that I love Nutella, and even more so that he bought some. He cracks a small smile too and I thank him about a million times. 

After my celebration is done I start to cook something for our lunch. That’s all I’m ever going to be able to do, cook for the guy. Maybe I should go out on my own...

“You can stay here, there’s plenty of room for two people. Plus it’s... um, it’s safe from Hydra.” Bucky says around a mouthful of apple. “If you want to, that is. I’d understand if you’d feel safer-” I shake my head, cutting him off.

“Thank you.” I nod and he nods back, the both of us shifting our attention back on the food. “Um... Since I’ll be here for a bit, do you remember any food that you like? I mean, I’m not going to be much help other than that... I can’t help figure out who you are really, I can’t fight like you guys or anything... You know what, maybe I should go. You got enough to deal with, you shouldn’t have to be taking care of-”

“I think I like oatmeal.” Bucky mutters, pausing for a moment before nodding, agreeing with himself. How can people see him as some villain? I just want to wrap him up in a fuzzy blanket and hide him away from all those jerks.

“Okay, I’ll try my hand at oatmeal. Also, I‘ve been meaning to ask, did they ever teach you about what’s happened in the world since you went under, what’s changed?”

“There wasn’t a need to.”

“So, your pretty lost...”

“Add that to the list of things wrong with me.”

“Hush up. I can try and help with that too, since, well since I’ve lived in this time longer than you. And who knows, maybe doing normal people stuff will help bring old memories to the surface.” I smile, trying to sound as happy and hopeful about the future.

Bucky hesitates, looking intently at his plate before giving a wary nod. He murmurs something about getting a journal.

“And don’t worry, I’m not going to interfere with your go-find-yourself-again missions. I’ll, I’ll try not to get in the way too much...” That’s what I’m worried about. I’m going to do or say something that’s going to blow up everything, we just got here and he’s going to get arrested or killed or worse, Hydra will get their claws back into him. “I’m not from your world, spies and soldiers and heroes, but still I... I can learn.”

“Do you know how to fight?”

“Not like anything you guys do.” I think back to the clips on the news of Bucky and Captain America fighting. “My dad, he was crazy. So I can handle myself against the drunk or the unaware. You could probably kick my rear from here to Boston without looking.” Again Bucky is lost in thought. 

“Okay, stand up.” His chair scrapes loudly as he pushes it back. I follow his commands, curious about what we’re going to do. Bucky heads into the middle of the room, pushing the couch and table to the sides of the room. Is he…? “Punch me.” He swipes the ball cap from his head, tossing it onto the couch and stands at the ready.

“What? No, I can’t hit you!” 

“I can take it.” Well, I’m sure that’s truer than I care to admit but still... I reluctantly step forward, chewing on my bottom lip. I raise my hands, getting into the stance my dad drilled into my head. “Come on, Lena.”

My fist flies out, my hips twisting as I move. Bucky catches my fist with his normal hand, nodding once before having me repeat the punch. He gives me pointers in a calm manner, nothing like the screaming my dad had tried to teach me with. He also didn’t whack me with a 2x4 like my dad did when I messed something up. When I first started training my sides would be covered in bruises because I would forget to put my hips into the punch and so on. A half an hour after having me try to hit him he switches and I block him, which I am much worse at. My dad never cared about protecting himself, or me, he just focused on attacking. After half an hour more I pause him, holding up my finger for him to wait.

“Let me go change, I’m making a mess out of my shirt.” He nods, not moving a muscle as I grab a lose t-shirt and my only pair of shorts. In the bathroom I peel the sweaty blouse off, and somehow I manage to get out of the jeans. 

I snag a hair tie out of my backpack when I walk back out. My dark blonde hair is pretty long, far past my shoulders, and when I’m training like this it gets in the way, sticking to my sweaty skin. I look back at Bucky and he’s taken off his t-shirt, which was starting to get sweaty and stands there waiting patiently. Damn he’s hot, it’s just not fair... His dark hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks and I grab another hair tie.

“Want one?” I smile as I hold it out but he just looks at it for a second before looking at me. “It’s a hair tie. To keep the hair out of your face. See?” I bite the extra one as I use both hands to quickly braid my hair back. “You don’t have to, most guys don’t like them. They think it’s a girly thing...” 

He holds out his hand for it and I think for a moment that maybe I should have shown him how he would be using it. He stretches it a few times before trying to bunch his hair together and get the band around it. There’s a snapping sound and he sighs. His cheeks color slightly.

“Sorry, I-” I’ve already got another one ready and I move behind him, standing on the couch to be taller. Without asking I start to run my fingers through his hair, smoothing it out and pulling it into place. I wrap the band around twice and on the third I leave the hair half pulled through, this way it’s not sticking to the back of his neck either. I jump back down and smile at my handiwork. 

“There, looks pretty good actually.” And it’s true, now you can see his handsome face without anything getting in the way. Then again, maybe I should have left it down. I don’t need to be distracted...

We start training again, alternating between blocking and attacking. All things considered, I don’t think I’m too bad. I mean, I’m not going to be attacking any of the Avengers with any hope of winning, but I can probably handle myself with normal people... maybe...

When we finish we are both sweaty with strands of escaped hair sticky to our faces. Admittedly, he looks hotter with it than I do. He looks like a model for some sports product while I look like I just came in from working in the fields.

“You want to shower first?” I ask as I get some water for both of us. He shakes his head.

“Ladies first.” I smile and thank him before jumping into the shower. I go as quick as I can, not wanting to use up all the hot water or make him wait too long. As I dry off and do something with my hair I talk to him through the door. 

“What do you want for dinner?” There is a moment of silence before I hear his quiet response.

“Burgers.” So that’s what he got the ground beef for. 

“Anything special on it?”

“Lettuce and tomato.”

“I saw tomatoes, did you buy lettuce too?”

“...I think I forgot...”

“I can go buy some while you shower-”

“Wait until I’m done, I’ll come with you. It’s getting late and it’s dangerous for a woman to walk the streets alone.” I cover my face with the towel and smile. He’s so sweet...

“Okay, thank you.” I say as I pull the door open, smiling up at him. He nods and moves past me to start his own shower. I sit on the couch and wait for Bucky. He doesn’t take long, stepping out of the steamy room in no time flat, pulling a t-shirt on and a jacket over that. Add some gloves and we’re off.


	8. Chapter 8

The streets do seem livelier now, people just starting to get drunk. I stick close to Bucky because when I offered to go get the lettuce I forgot that this is a different country and I don’t speak a word of the language. Being around a group of people who speak English is uncomfortable, being surrounded by people who you can’t understand is worse, much worse.

He ducks into a small store, heading for the produce section. I pick out a head of lettuce, grabbing some broccoli as well as some Oates for later. We head to the front, Bucky’s eyes constantly scanning the store. I guess one picks up that habit when you have to watch your back 24/7.

I set the food on the counter and Bucky says something to the man standing behind it. My eyes flicker to three men sitting off to the side at a small table, beers in hand. The man at the counter rings everything up, and I pull out the money from my pocket. The drunk men say something loudly and Bucky’s hands clench into fists behind the counter. The clerk hands me the bag, saying something to me as we turn away to which the other men all laugh raucously. Bucky goes from tense to murderous in seconds.

He looks dead a head, the muscles in his jaw clenching, his mouth tightening into a line as he tries to control his anger. What did those men say to get such a reaction? There is another comment made, followed by more laughter and Bucky starts to turn around.

I can’t let him do that though.

I take a hold of his jacket sleeve in my hand, knowing that if he’s already gone that I’m going to get punched through the wall. His hard blue eyes snap to me and I give him a tiny smile. He looks at me for a second more before turning and walking out, me in tow. Bucky set’s a quick pace, our steps echoing off the alleys we walk through.

“Um, Bucky, what did they say...?” I finally work up the courage to ask.

“Nothing.” He snaps back, obviously still trying to contain the anger. I’m not hurt or anything by his tone, I know it’s not directed at me.

“If that were true then-” He spins on me, his face a mask of anger.

“They implied that you were a... That you serviced... And you just don’t talk to women like that! I don’t care how drunk you are. What the fuck happened to common decency while I was out?” I can imagine what they implied, I’m sure I’ve heard it and worse from Allister and the other drunks in my old neighborhood. It’s nice that he cares though, what people think and say about me, about women. Bucky keeps ranting, saying more than I’ve ever heard him say in one go. A soft smile tugs at my lips and I switch the grocery bag into my right hand, tugging on Bucky’s sleeve to get him to stop walking for a moment. When he stops walking he also stops talking, still looking peeved. I sigh and link my left arm with his right, not thinking about any consequences, and give it a soft squeeze.

“All men should be like you Bucky...” I sigh out and he snorts in response.

“Mass-murdering-assassin-scum-bags-wanted-by-every-government-on-Earth?” Even as he talks his left hand comes up and covers mine. I wonder if he knows he’s doing it or if it’s just some long lost habit that’s he’s finally remembering.

“No,” I ignore him and rest my head on his upper arm. “They should want to be a good man like you.” I nod to myself, believe what I said with all of my being. Bucky is a good man. I can feel his shoulders slump and it breaks my heart that he doesn’t believe it.

“Lena, I’m a lot of things but-” I pull on his arm lightly and we start walking again.

“ **Good** and **kind**. A mass-murdering-assassin-scum-bag-wanted-by-every-government-on-Earth, as you so eloquently put, would not have nightmares about what he was made to do. Would not take some random girl, who may or may not be in trouble, across the globe. Would not look out for her in any way, shape, or form. Would not go out with her to the grocery store for lettuce just to make sure she’s safe. Would not care what anyone said to or about her. _Would not like Nutella pancakes_.” I whisper the last to him with a smile. Bucky takes a shuddering breath when I stop talking, his hand tightening over mine. “You’re a good man Bucky, and nothing you say will convince me otherwise. So, why bother trying? Let’s go make some hamburgers.” I nod to my own suggestion and I can hear him sigh.

“Whatever you say, doll.” His body tenses up, I don’t think he meant to say that. He’s trying to pull away now, not that I’m going to let him. I don’t make a big deal out of it and keep talking about dinner.

“I hope you’re fine with just plain burgers because I’m not too sure what kind of seasoning you use for the meat. I’ll probably just use salt and pepper… And if it’s bad then we can try something else the next time.” I ramble on, trying to make him feel more at ease.

When we reach the door Bucky let’s go and opens the door for me. Seriously, he’s just the sweetest... He probably thinks this is just normal, that everyone does this, but in this day and age it’s a breath of fresh air.

Bucky, who’s better with a knife than I am, cuts up the tomatoes and starts to tear apart the lettuce. I get the beef ready, and after some salt and pepper, I start cooking them. My family had never been one for burgers so we never had them, but I’d seen them made on TV and stuff... How hard can it be?

They’re not too bad, once I get the hang of flipping and checking. I don’t need either of us getting food poisoning… Bucky certainly enjoys it, not that a person could tell by looking at him. But I’ve been studying him, and you can tell by how his shoulders are relaxed, how the corners of his mouth have upturned just a bit, how his eyes don’t seem like ice at the moment but more like the sky. I’m definitely going to make good oatmeal in the morning, so help me God.

A month passes like that, the two of us just sort of getting by. We didn’t talk too awful much, and he never wants to talk about his past or his missions. But if I asked him a direct question he will answer honestly, if he’s able to answer at all. I think this is bad though, I’m starting to really care...

One Tuesday when we were done eating and washing the dishes by hand, we sat back at the table. He pulled out a journal that I had seen a few times before this. He explains that’s where he’s been writing down the bits of memories he has.

“You want to make a list of stuff to do there?” He ponders the idea for a moment before nodding. “Alright, let’s see. I should definitely teach you about the Internet, not the military side of it. The YouTube side of it. Not sure if you’re a big reader but we can look up some books. You should definitely go to some movies, rent some of the older films. You should try roller coasters once the world isn’t out for your head. Water parks too.” I continue to list off things that he should try and he writes them all down with a serious expression. I hope someday he gets to try it all...

After two pages worth of stuff we decide to give it a break. There is obviously many more things to add to the list but we are both getting kind of tired.

I lay down on the couch, getting ready to sleep when Bucky tosses a pillow at me, and I make a sound of mock outrage. I poke my head up from behind the arm rest to see him getting comfy in his sleeping bag, a smug look on his face.

“I’m going to get you back for that, Bucky, just you wait.” He chuckles, at least I think he does. It’s so quiet, I can’t be sure... I hope it was...

~~~~~  
  
I wake up to Bucky’s muttering in the middle of the night. It’s not the first time since we’ve departed on our trip. I doubt it’ll be the last. I tumble out of my make shift bed and crawl over to where he’s restlessly sleeping.

“Bucky, everything’s okay. You’re safe here.” I keep on talking in soft tones, trying to get him to relax. But, unlike the last few times, this doesn’t help. He starts thrashing about, the sleeping bag clearly getting in his way.

“Bucky, please wake up. Everything is-” His hand lashes out, almost catching me in the face. I fall back just in time to miss the blow, but now I’m on my back as he starts to stand. I quickly roll over and push myself up to standing. He swings again, talking too fast for me to understand. Besides, I’ve got bigger problems right now.

“Bucky, can you-” Again he lashes out and again I somehow dodge. I’m glad we’ve been training, because I would not have been able to save myself had we not.

“Please, listen- **is that a knife?** When in the heck did you get that?!” A flash of silver comes dangerously close to my eyes. I continue to dodge as best I can, but I can feel biting stings from where his knife grazes my skin. It’s nothing too bad, but it does bleed a bit, making it look worse than it is.

“For the love of God- James Buchanan Barnes, wake the hell up!!” I scream at him, diving at his chest and pushing him to the ground. It’s only a momentary position as he easily flips us, knife and hand shining in the dim light as they press against my throat.

But he’s awake now, awake and confused and scared... We are both breathing heavy, his eyes wide as he tries to figure out what’s going on.

“Lena...”

“Hey, it’s okay Bucky... Everything’s okay…”

“I... I...” He can’t form a sentence and I shake my head, patting his shoulder.

“It’s okay...” Bucky’s eyes lock onto the knife at my throat and he looks like he’s going to be sick. He toss it to the other the side of the room and sits back, still sitting over me. He’s looking at his hands now, like they aren’t his own, like he can see the blood of the people Hydra made him kill. “Bucky...” I reach out for him but he moves backwards clumsily, kicking back on the floor to scramble away from me.

“Don’t…!” He shakes his head franticly. I move to sit up, making another try to get to him but he dashed up and out the door before I’m even completely upright. Tears fill my eyes and I bite my lower lip hard. My hand stays for a moment reaching for the door.

“...Bucky...” I start to sniffle as I stand. He deserves better! I wish I could help him...

I sit at the table, resting my hand on my folded arms and cry my eyes out. I’m trying my best but I can’t seem to do any real good. What does he need? What? I’d give anything to help him past this. I guess that’s not saying much as I don’t have much to give...

“I’m so sorry Bucky...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's this...  
> ... I think I rewrote this part at least four times and this was the best so far.

“Lena...” At the sound of my name my head pops up off the table. I must have fallen asleep waiting for Bucky to come back. My back is sore, my eyes in the same situation but also a bit swollen.  
  
“Bucky?!” My eyes can’t seem to focus, the bright sun light not helping. I glance around the room with blurry eyes until they land on a dark figure in the corner. I stand up too quickly, my back protesting and the chair falling to the ground. I dash over to him but he puts up his hand to stop me.

“Please-! Please don’t...”

“Bucky, I’m sorry. I was trying to calm you down. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I should have just stayed put until you came to.” My eyes start to focus on him and he looks like crap. His eyes are dark, with bags to match. He looks too pale, and he’s standing with his metal arm as far from me as possible. “Are you okay?”

“How can you even say that?” Bucky says with an unhinged voice and wide eyes... He’s so very far from okay... “I hurt you, again! I did, with my own hands. And **you’re** apologizing? **You’re** asking how **I’m** doing? You should be scared, you should be angry. Not wondering if I’m fucking okay!”

“It wasn’t you Bucky, you couldn’t help it. They played with your head and now you’re paying the price. How can I be mad at you for that?” He just shakes his head, not even really listening. “Bucky, why are you standing like that?”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. But this is a weapon,” He waves his metal arm in the air before tucking it behind himself again, “ **I’m** a weapon. There should be **no way** you could feel safe me, with this, not after what I’ve done. I’m a monster.”

“That’s not true. You get to choose now, you don’t have to be a weapon... It’s an arm. Yeah, it’s made out of metal and it can do a bit more than a normal limb, but it’s still only an arm. And you, you are just Bucky. The man that Hydra stole and used against his will for years and years. The man Hydra took everything from; his family, his friends, his mind and body. They are the monsters, not you. Never you.”

He shakes his head, tears gathering in his blue eyes. I step forward and he steps back. Again and again we repeat this dance until he’s completely cornered. I reach around him slowly, my eyes never leaving his, and his whole body starts shaking. Bucky strains away from me, breathing heavy, with nowhere to run because in his current mental state he doesn’t dare touch me. I gently wrap my hand around his wrist, feeling the hard metal though his jacket sleeve. I pull it out from behind him ever so slowly.

I tug off the gloves, finally looking away from his tear filled eyes down to the hand resting in mine. Once the gloves are gone the cool metal touches my skin. I trace my finger over his palm, fascinated by the feeling of them gliding over metal.

“See? Just a hand.” My eyes search his again but he still looks scared and so vulnerable. I tug his hand up towards my face and I finally start to feel resistance. Bucky is shaking his head again, causing the tears to spill over. I keep tugging until the cool metal touches my cheek.

It’s an odd sensation because the shape is a hand, my mind knows it’s a hand, but the cool metal doesn’t match with what my brain says it should feel like. I hold his hand there, leaning into his touch for just a moment.

“Lena, **please**...” Bucky’s cracking voice rips at my heart.

“It’s just a hand.” I repeat, trying to get him to see. “I’m not afraid of it or you, why should I be? Shouldn’t I be afraid of what made you? Shouldn’t I be mad at the monster who took the soul out of you and used you like a puppet?” I open my eyes to meet his gaze, having closed them at some point. I let his hand fall away from my face, letting it rest in mine, held between us. “What I am afraid of, when it comes to you Bucky, is being left alone. Of sitting here thinking that I couldn’t help you and that you were going to end up in Hydra’s claws again.” I thought I used all my tears up last night but it seems I’m just an unending fountain of tears these day. I hold in the sobs, letting the tears fall silently. “I don’t want that because **you deserve so much more.** You deserve a chance to live the life they took.” I squeeze my eyes shut at the thought of him being hooked up to that awful machine. Of him losing everything again.

I reach up to wipe my face on my sleeve, but cool fingers beat me to it, swiping away the tears quickly. My eyes pop open in an instant before closing again as I start to sob. Bucky tentatively pulls me into his chest, holding me carefully.

“I’m sorry, Lena...” He mutters into the top of my head, his voice low and rough. I can feel his tears drip onto the top of my head. I reach around him and hug him as tight as I can.

“I just want to help…” I sob out, finally breaking down.

“You do help, doll. You’re the only one who helps.” Bucky holds me close with one arm, the other stroking my hair.

“But you still have nightmares...!”

“I think I’ll always have bad dreams, always be haunted by what I was made to do. But now I’ve got you to counter it. You help me remember new things every day, good things. And I make new good memories with you... I don’t think you know how awful I feel when I find out I’ve hurt you again because-”

“But it’s not your-” He cuts me off with a gentle squeeze.

“Because you’ve given me so much. You’ve patched me up countless times, saved my life, you help me stay human, help me be whatever part of the old Bucky that’s left. And in return I bloody and bruise you.” Bucky’s voice tightens over the last sentence and my chest tightens painfully along with it. “I don’t want to, I want you safe, because that’s what **you** deserve. **You** deserve to be happy, doll. And I’m not sure if... I don’t think I can... I don’t know how...” He trails off, tightening his grip on me ever so slightly.

“I am happy... I get to do something good with my life, I get to help someone who needs it.” I nod to myself, too tired to care that it looks strange to nods to one’s own ideas all the time.

“But I’m...” Bucky trails off because he knows if he calls himself a monster one more time, I’m going to pinch him.

“You know what you are?” I pull away far enough to look up into his eyes. “You’re a good, kind, headstrong man with the best heart. You are ridiculously handsome and it’s really just not fair how good at stuff you are when you just woke up from basically seventy years of sleep. You-” I’m ready to keep going for hours if that’s what it takes, but his lips seal over mine.

God, the kiss in the alley looks like drunken slobbering compared to this one.

It’s hot, passionate and needy. Bucky grasps at me, desperate to feel that I’m there, that I’m not frightened, that I’m not going anywhere. His ever constant 5 o’clock shadow scratches the sensitive skin around my mouth and my cheeks. Trembling starts in my legs and radiates out from there, my hands desperately clinging to his shoulders. Hands grab my waist, picking me up and I instantly wrap my legs around him. Bucky breaks the kiss, moving to my neck as his hands squeeze my rear.

“Bucky-” His name is mixed with a whimper and God, he must have liked it because he growls out for me to do it again.

“Again...” He repeats when I pause to catch my breath, emphasizing his demand with a soft squeeze. I repeat his name and he bites my neck at the same moment, turning his name into a soft moan. My hands move to rake through his hair, tugging at it when he teases the spot he bit.

In the back of my mind, I’m cursing myself for not having more experience with this sort of thing. God, I hope I’m not bad at it...

When he moves us, takes just a single step, his hips grind into mine and I think my heart stops. In that same moment electricity races through my body and I am entirely unsure of what the heck I’m supposed to do. I whimper into his shoulder, not having any other response. I can feel his smirk against my neck. He walks slowly, each step punctuated by a whimper from me.

Bucky slants his lips back over mine, his tongue claiming my mouth as his. Every part of my body is shaking, is alive with a burning heat.

He sits back on the couch, hands roaming over my thighs as we settle down. The kisses become less frantic, not as desperate. They morph into soft and sweet things that send butterflies a flutter in my stomach, that make my chest tighten. It amazes me that I can relax while being kissed like this. Our panting has given way to calm breaths, our hammering hearts now slowly beating in time.

“Oh God, Lena...” Bucky trails off into my hair. “Don’t... please don’t...” I don’t know what he doesn’t want me to do, but there is no way I’d do it if he didn’t want me to. God, when did everything about me become so wrapped up in Bucky? I curl into him, content to stay there forever. His arms stay locked behind me as he buries his face in my shoulder, his hair tickling my collar bone.

I don’t know how long passed before he pulled back, I don’t care. His blue eyes, which usually hold such a haunted look, now are warm with feelings that send a shiver down my spine. We watch each other for a long moment before he lays back on the couch, tucking me into his side. Bucky’s head notches above my own, my small body perfectly fitting in his arms. I wrap my arms around him and close my eyes.

Neither of us slept well last night, we might as well make up that lost time with the best nap in the history of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made it to 10 chapters! YAY!!!  
> It's a tad bit shorter than usual but oh well. :)

We stay cuddled up until the sun set, phasing in and out of consciousness until then. When we get around to staying awake, Bucky scooches up so he’s leaning against the arm rest, looking down at me with soft eyes. Bucky runs his hand through my hair one final time before he makes me get changed into a tank top and shorts so he can fix up all the cuts. I try to tell him I can do it myself but he’s having none of that. I debate scrubbing of the dried blood before going back out there because it just makes it look worse than it actually is, but I have a feeling he’d know if I did. 

“Sit.” He nods to the chair and I plop down. I look at my arms and legs and sigh. There are maybe a dozen different cuts of varying sizes marring my skin with smeared dried blood accenting every one. Bucky frowns when he sees them, eyes darkening.

“Bucky, there just small cuts.” I have to urge to say it could have been worse but I don’t want him thinking about what might have happened had he not woken up when he did. If he hadn’t woken up then, he would have woken up in the morning to find me dead...

He carefully cleans them before putting Band-Aids on the smaller ones and bandages around the larger. When he’s done, the bandages make me seem like I’m much more hurt than I am, but I’ll let it go. Bucky wants to help so I might as well let him. 

To be perfectly honest I’m not too sure how to act around him anymore. I mean, I like him, care about him and he obviously feels something for me... probably... And we kissed and it was amazing but I don’t... I’m not sure how to… What do I do?

I decide to just act as normal as possible. I cook dinner while he does some training. Like always, not many words are spoken over dinner. Once the foods been eaten he heads back over to the open space and starts to exercise some more. I sigh and start the dishes. 

“I’ll be back in a bit.” He mutters before walking out the door, not bothering to stay for any response from me. I turn back to the sink and just keep scrubbing. 

And for the first time in years I feel the urge to sing. 

Out of all the things I’ve done in my life the only thing I really regret is my singing. My dad, being the crazy that he was, wanted me to go to school for something practical but I hated that part of his life, my life. So I started singing. I had no superstar natural talent, but with practice and patience I was good. I loved writing songs, loved singing, because it was fun and relaxing but also because it drove my dad up a wall. I figured he should have a taste of his own medicine.

I was going to have my first real show at a small bar an old friend of theirs owned. But my parents were on their vacation. And I know that I did all of the singing just to spite my dad but that didn’t mean deep down I didn’t want him to think I was good. So my mom convinced him to come to my show, to head home on an earlier flight.

They didn’t make it and I stopped singing. I went to school for medical coding and moved on, trying to forget it all. I can’t say I really miss them, my dad being who he was and my mom following in his footsteps. But they were my parents and I do wish they had been proud of me, just once...

I drop the pan and start to sing the song that was supposed to be the crowning jewel at my show. A slow song with a melancholy melody. About losing yourself, your faith and hope and love but moving forwards anyways. About finding a place to belong, a place to be loved and safe and whole. I grab the edge of the sink and fall back, my tight grip on the edge the only thing keeping me from landing on my butt. The song finishes, the last note sitting in the air peacefully.

“Enough moping...” I scold myself as I pull my body up and take a deep breath before starting a happier tune. I start to dance around the kitchen as I dry the dishes, putting them away to the beat of the music. 

Everything is going to work out just fine.

With the new found energy I start to clean up the kitchen and the surrounding areas. I scrub the counters, wash off the cracking tiles on the wall, dust out the cupboards, then start to sweep. And because I’m feeling especially cheesy, I start to dance with the broom like I’m some sort of long lost Disney princess, swaying in time with the beat of each of the songs. Once I’ve exhausted my own songs I pick some of my favorites that I used to play on repeat on my iPod.

I’m half way through the chorus of one when when a bird or something flies into the window. I spin around, the song dying on my lips as I hold the broom out like a weapon. When nothing else happens I relax, about to start cleaning again when I spy Bucky standing by the door. He’s leaning his shoulder against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, watching me for God knows how long. My face flushes, more embarrassed than I have ever been before.

He pushes away from the wall, setting the bag on the table before walking closer. I literally can’t even look up at him right now. Mortified doesn’t begin to describe me. He stops a step or two from me, I can see his feet and I don’t want to see anymore...

“I take it you’re not going to look at me?” I bite my lower lip and nod, glad that he’s caught on to the situation without me having to run and hide in the bathroom. “Why?” I swear I can hear the hint of a smile in his voice. I motion with my hands to everything, widening my eyes like it was obvious. Evidently I can’t talk either... “You’re good.” Compliments won’t help this any! Another wave of heat migrates to my face and I swear I’m gonna faint. 

“How much did you see?” I whisper out, wincing but still not looking at him.

“From when you got up from the floor.” My stomach drops. So basically the whole thing... I think my lip is starting to bleed, I really need to break the habit of biting it when nervous. “Why’s that bad?” His hand comes up and touches my cheek lightly, thumb gently pressing on my lower lip until I stopped biting. Then his thumb’s tracing over it, his skin burning against mine. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to gather my wits and look at him. He moves his thumb and I sigh, eternally grateful, it’ll be easier to talk without that distraction.

My gratitude and relief are short lived as his mouth replaces his hand a moment later. Just a light kiss, barely brushing his lips against mine before moving to my cheek then ear.

“Why?” He whispers and my insides turn to jelly. Seriously, I feel kinda bad for the woman of the 1940’s, they had to live in a world where Bucky was frozen and couldn’t do this.

“B-b-because... it-it was...”

“Yes?” He nearly purrs as he kisses my ear, dragging his lips down to my neck and back.

“Em... Embar- embarrassing...” 

“Was it?” His tongue traces around my ear before he gently nips at the tip. What in God’s name is he trying to do to me? I shakily nod and he lets out a humming noise. It wouldn’t have been so bad but he was right next to my ear. This time I bite my lip to keep from making a sound. “Please don’t do that.” Again he brushes my lips with his thumb, just barely skimming over the sensitive skin.

“Bucky, wha-” His other hand gently starts to massage my scalp, the cool metal feels like heaven...

“Why?” Is that the only thing he want to know? Why it was embarrassing?

“Be-because... I’m n-not a k-k-! I can’t t-talk if you kee-keep doing th-tha-that, Bucky!” I whine, my brain fizzling from the contact. Now he’s got a full blown smile as he presses his face into the side of my neck.

“If I stay still will you tell me?” He punctuates his words with a tiny kiss. I nod frantically and he sighs but doesn’t move another muscle. It’s a bit unsettling to be honest, he’s could be a statue if I didn’t know better. Is he even breathing? “Well?”

“It’s just, it’s embarrassing because I’m not a… kid. I’m on the run from world governments for Pete’s sake! I shouldn’t be dancing in the kitchen with a broom. And I look like such a dork and of course it had to be seen by you. And, and-” Bucky bites my neck before I can continue. He moves fast, picking me up, spinning me around and setting me down on the counter.

“It’s a good thing you’re not a kid, this would be creepy… although, to my 99 years you are a bit young.” He pulls back, giving me a teasing grin, before resuming to turn me into a quivering mess. “And you didn’t look anything like a ‘dork,’ I’d love to dance with you, but I doubt we know the same ones.” 

Bucky keeps on dropping soft kisses all over me; my neck, shoulders, ears, cheeks, collar bone... Seriously, he should get less good at this, I’m going to pass out at this rate...

“Bucky... Is this going to be a thing with us? Because, I’m going to need to seriously prepare or risk dying...” I thread my fingers through his hair, liking the feeling of it gliding through my grasp.

“Well, doll, you sure do know how to boost a man’s ego.” He chuckles softly and the sound is enough to make me cry. He’s happy... “Not sure what you mean by ‘thing’ but if it means I get to keep getting these reactions from you then hell yes.” He pauses for a moment, his body going into that absolutely motionless state. “If you’re okay with it. Are you?” He pulls back and looks into my eyes, all teasing gone. I lean into him, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my forehead on his shoulder.

“I little more than okay...” I mutter, my face heating up again. He relaxes and hugs me back.

I have never felt safer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments and kudos!! :D  
> It's really nice to know that people like the story. So here's the next bit. Like I said at the start I really have no idea where I'm going with this story but it's fun to write so I guess we'll find out where we are going when we get there. :)

Everything has settled in and, for the meantime, we’re safe here. And with that comes the start of Bucky’s quest to find who he was, is. He’ll leave sometimes for a day, other times for four or five days. Most of the time he comes back relatively in one piece, but every now and then he’ll stumble into the room bruised and bleeding. And while I’m all for him going out to figure stuff out, he needs to take a break sometimes.  
  
“Bucky, you’ve got to sleep.” I plead with him as I clean up the cut on his lip. He grunts something, trying to look away. “Bucky...” With a sigh he meets my eyes. I know why he doesn’t like sleeping, why he tries to avoid it. He doesn’t want to have the nightmare, doesn’t want to keep seeing the same awful scenes, doesn’t want to risk hurting me again.

“Lena, I do sleep...” His reply is weak sounding and he knows it. I rub my thumbs over the dark circles under his eyes and raise an eye brow. Bucky sighs, looking away again.

“Fine, if you’re not going to sleep like you should, you have to try and relax. **At least** one day each week will be spent here, doing nothing. No training, no digging in your memories, no gun cleaning, knife sharpening, or arm polishing.” My voice is stern but it doesn’t quite reach my face, I’m worried about him. Bucky’s eyes narrow for a moment before he reluctantly nods. He grasps my chin and tugs me closer but I pull back, giving a pointed look to the cut on his lip. The man just rolls his eyes and pulls me in. The kiss lasts only a moment before he pulls back with a soft hiss.

“That hurt...” He half smiles, half winces over at me and I start giggling.

“I tried to warn you.”

“If I recall correctly, you just looked at my mouth. How was I supposed to know that look said ‘it’s going to hurt’ instead of ‘I desperately want you’?” He teases me as he pulls me into his lap. Bucky has become more and more relaxed with me, morphing from the cold, suffering man I knew into someone I imagine he hasn’t been anything like in seventy years. Now, as soon as we step outside and there are other people he goes back into suspicious mode, eyes taking in everything and shoulders always tense, never knowing if he was going to have to fight at a moment’s notice.

“Oh, do I give you that look often?”

“All the time, doll. Really, be honest, you just can’t keep your hands off me.” I giggle harder as his hands roam over my arms and back.

“Of course, it has nothing to do with the fact that you seem to interpret every look I give as ‘I desperately want you’?”

“Oh, of course not.” He presses his face into my neck, making sure to rub his 5 o’clock shadow against the sensitive skin until I’m squirming.

“Bucky!” I try and stand, to get away, but he keeps me locked in place. Soon his hands start to tickle my sides and I’m gone. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, trying to escape but having absolutely no control of my body anymore.

“I’m sorry, are you trying to say something? I can’t quite understand.” He says over my laughter and I laugh that much harder. I wrap my arms around my middle, mostly to protect them from his tickles but partly because they hurt from laughing.

“Can’t... breathe... going to get... you back... for this...!”

“You can try, Lena, you can try.” When Bucky finally stops it takes me a good few moments to get back in control. I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand up, much to his dismay.

“What do you want to eat for dinner?” I head to the kitchen and Bucky follows close behind me. When I open the fridge to see what we’ve got, he leans in to rests his head on my shoulder, looking in as well.

“Something good.”

“As opposed to what I usually make?” I smile when he lightly pinches my side.

“You know what I meant.”

“How about we finish off the pulled pork, I’ll steam some red potatoes, and we’ll make s’mores for dessert?” He quickly nods, grabbing the colander from above the stove. There’s no room for an actual steamer so I just make do.

While I get the potatoes going Bucky starts heating up the pork. I made it a bit spicier this time around, which Bucky liked. I’m really glad he likes spicy food because I couldn’t live without it and it would be a pain to cook two separate meals just so I could get my fix.

“Can you hand me a fork?” He reaches into a drawer and hand me the utensil, eyes never leaving the pan. I stifle a smile, he always takes cooking so seriously... While we wait I ask how his mission went and he shrugs. He never really talks about where or what he does when he leaves. After saying he learned some stuff about the past he changed the subject to what he’s supposed to do on his “days off.”

“Movies, reading, talking, sleeping, writing, cooking, anything so long as you relax for a moment. You’re going to run yourself into the ground Bucky. I can only do so much...” I head back to the stove, muttering about how I need to check the potatoes but I just don’t want to face him. I’m just feeling really useless again. I can’t help on the missions, I’m no psychologist or anything so no help with the mind problems either.  In my heart I know that I'm doing good here but my head just keeps telling me it's not enough. I skewer a potato before pulling it out and cutting it in half. “These taste done?” I hold half out to Bucky after it cools down a little. He saunters over and eats it, chews for a moment and thinks much too seriously about it, all before shaking his head.

“A couple more minutes.” I nod and cover the pot again. “Lena,” I turn my head towards him without looking away from the pork I’m now stirring. “Hey,” He steps between me and the stove, leaning down to look into my eyes.

“Yeah?” I stuff all of those feelings deep down and try to smile. He doesn’t say anything, whatever he had been planning to say had been rethought when he saw my expression. I’m sure he knows I’m hiding what I’m feeling but he just kisses my cheek before heading over to set the table.

Bucky goes back to his teasing self for dinner, doing everything in his power to make me laugh. And I appreciate the effort, it means a lot. I nod to myself as we wash the dishes. I am helping him, he wasn’t like this before, he couldn’t be like this before.

When the oven dings I clap my hands excitedly. I flipping love s’mores!

Bucky hands me the ingredients and I layer them on the cookie sheet. I wish we could make them over a fire but that’s just not possible now. This will have to do. We end up throwing six in, three for each of us, and I watch through the small window so I know exactly when to pull them out. Once all are golden brown and fluffy I dash to take them out. Bucky’s laughing at me, but I hardly care. This is an important process. Too soon and they aren’t fully cooked, too late and you’re eating charcoal. I smush the top graham cracker on before putting them all on a plate and heading over to where Bucky is relaxing on the couch.

“Thanks, doll.” I grin to the plate like an idiot. I really like it when he calls me doll...

We both dig into the messy but delicious treat. God, I should make them more often. Bucky is finishing his last just as I take the first bite of my second. My eyes flash to my third then over to Bucky looking unsatisfied before reluctantly grabbing my treat and holding it out to him in my palm.

“For me?!” Bucky gasps dramatically, one hand over his heart the other covering his open mouth. His eyes are bright and I shrug.

“If you don’t want it...” I start to pull it back but he quickly swipes it.

“I want it, I really, really want it.” I smile and eat the rest of mine, Bucky following suit. I lean back on the couch and let out a content sigh. I turn my head to see Bucky getting the last of the marshmallow from his fingers. Unbeknownst to him there is a small bit of chocolaty marshmallow stuck to his cheek from his enthusiastic eating habits. He catches me watching and grins. With my index finger I motion for him to come closer.

“You missed a bit.” I murmur as I swipe the sugary substance from his cheek. He colors slightly and I grin. What do you know, he can get embarrassed too. He looks none too pleased with my smug expression and grabs my wrist before I can clean my finger on the napkins I brought with me.

Bucky’s suddenly heated eyes never leave mine as he pulls my finger to his lips. Oh God, my face is already red...! My eyes go wide when he sucks on my finger, licking it clean. Then, just for good measure, he swirls his tongue around it a few more times before releasing me, teeth gently scraping my finger. The second I’m free I grab my pillow and bury my burning face in it. Bucky’s smug laugh is all I can hear over my blood pounding.

Oh. My. God.

“Something the matter, Lena?” He asks, the triumphant smile fully evident in his tone of voice. I shake my head and he chuckles again. “You sure?” I nod and focus on trying to get the blood to leave my cheeks. After several minutes of chanting to myself, I sit up. I halfheartedly glare at the very smug man sitting next to me.

“You could have let me win just one...”

“You’re going to have to try harder.” He says with a shrug. I roll my eyes and lean against him.

“When I finally do win I’m going to make a cake or something. I’ll certainly deserve it.”

“Whatever floats your boat, doll.” We just sit there for a while, content after the food. I start to feel sleepy, my eye lids growing heavier with each passing minute.

“Hey, Bucky?”

“Hmm?”

“Would you go to sleep better if I sang to you?”

“You don’t have to, you told my why you don’t sing much.”

“But would it help?”

“I don’t know...” I nod, it made sense. It's not like Hydra tried singing him lullabies for kicks and giggles. “You can try if you want.” He mutters softly, the reluctance clearly evident in his voice and he’s probably wishing a second later that he hadn’t opened his mouth. He really doesn’t want to sleep...

“That’s okay. Just make sure that when I fall asleep I don’t fall off the couch...” I rest my head back down and close my eyes. One day he’ll get used to sleeping again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okie dokie, here's the next chapter. I'm thinking that the next few sections might be a bit shorter than the first chapters in this story because they are going to be little snapshots of how their life is going... I think... We'll see...  
> Anywho, thanks for reading and for all the comments and kudos you guys have been leaving! :)

“Lena, there’s a festival going on tonight. If you want, we can try and go. You don’t get out of here very often.” My eyes widen as Bucky states his idea. Bucky would hate every single second of that. Lots of loud people in a small space, not knowing where the exits are, not being able to see everything...

“Bucky, you’d be miserable. It’s fine, I don’t mind staying here. I was never one for going out anyways-”

“But you should sometimes. Staying here, cooped up with me and my problems 24/7 can’t be healthy. I can... I can handle it for one day...” He looks unconvinced by his own words but waits for my answer none the less.

“Well, if you’re sure, then I’d love to go.” He nods and I can already see him starting to mentally prepare himself. I grab some nicer clothes and get changed quickly. I brush my hair as I walk back out, looking for my socks. I’m about to pull my hair back into my customary pony tail but Bucky stops me.

“You look good with it down.” He says as he takes my hair tie. I’ve got another stupid grin on my face as I blush. Bucky is starting to pace a bit near the door. I pause when I glance at his boots and see that there is no knife hidden there. He always carries one around outside. I’m not too comfortable with myself carrying knives around, because I can be quite the klutz, but he always feels better when he’s got his. 

Bucky really is trying to have a normal day out, to be a normal guy. I head over to his bed and grab the knife from under the edge of the mattress. It was one of many hidden around the house.

“You forgot this.” I hold it out to him and he looks at me with widened eyes. 

“...No, it’s- it’s alright. I’ll be just fine-”

“Come on, we’ve got to get going.” Bucky watches me for a few more moments before he takes the knife, his whole body visibly relaxing a few degrees. After sliding it into his boot he opens his arms out to me. I happily step into his embrace, taking in a deep breath. I don’t know what it is, if he puts on cologne or if it’s his soap, but he always smells amazing.

“You sure?”

“Yep. This may come as a surprise, but I actually care if you’re having a good time or not.” Bucky rolls his eyes and pulls away, offering me his arm. We link arms and head off for our night out.

It’s not too crowded right now and I have no intention of staying until late tonight when it does fill up. We wander around, trying the food and just enjoying the festival. 

At one point we pass a stall with one of those games that’s always rigged. He pulls me over and picks up the ball after handing the man a small bill. Bucky winks at me, giving me a mischievous grin that tightens my chest. He tosses the ball with his left arm, throwing it much harder than you could with a normal arm. The cans crash to the ground. The owner grumbles something in his language before Bucky leans in and takes one of the prizes.

“Here, doll.” He hands me the stuffed rabbit with floppy ears. I hold it tight before stepping on my tippy toes to kiss his cheek. I’m much too happy with my cheesy present to care that people are staring at us right now. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and tugs me along. 

“Bucky, come on!” I get so excited when I see a photo booth. I thread my finger with his and drag him forwards. The money is shoved in and we both duck into the booth. Bucky fills the space up, his broad shoulders leaving little room for me, so I just plop onto his lap. “Okay, we’ve got to do some funny ones, and some nice ones, and then more funny ones!” Bucky’s laughing at my excitement but does as I say.

When we’re done we have lots of strips of pictures. Ones where we are making funny faces, sticking our tongues out or seeing who can scrunch up their face the most. Ones where we’re more serious, actually smiling nicely or looking at each other. Ones where he’s kissing my neck and I’m trying to smile through the fierce blush or I’m kissing his cheek and he's grinning like a fool. One of my favorite is the one where I made him take of his gloves, roll up both sleeves and wrap his arms around my shoulders, my own hands placed on top as we both smile, heads resting against each other. There are so many more, we probably wasted a lot of money, but I don’t even care. Now I’ve got pictures of Bucky to save forever. We wander around for another hour or so until people start to show up and crowd the place, Bucky growing more and more tense with each one. 

“Come on, Bucky, I’m tired.” I lean into him as I pull him to the exit. 

We slowly walk the dark streets and alleys, enjoying the quiet streets. When I start shivering Bucky takes off his jacket and demands that I put it on. Once I’m swimming in it he wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me that much closer.

“What if you get cold?”

“I won’t.”

“But what if you do?” Bucky rolls his eyes and stops us both. I’m quickly pushed against the wall of the alley, Bucky’s face filling my vision. He holds my gaze for a long moment before leaning in and kissing me like his life depended on it.

His hands are touching and pressing every inch of me he could reach, his thigh wedged in between my own. My hands trace up his chest and face until they sink into his hair, earning me a soft moan as he kisses down my neck.

“If I get cold, I’ll just do this.” Bucky’s husky voice makes me shiver and he nibbles on my neck to make sure I understand what he meant. With a shaky voice I murmur an okay and with even shakier legs we finish the walk back home.

“Next time we go out shopping, I’m going to buy a coat.”

“You could just keep using mine.”

“I don’t want you getting sick.”

“I don’t get sick, doll.”

“Well, it could happen... Maybe... So just to be safe, I'll get my own coat. To be honest I don't know why I haven't gotten one yet.” Bucky rolls his eyes with a grin, laughing at me in my cocoon of blankets on the couch. 

“Here, you should drink this. That is if you can get your arms out.” After much wiggling I take the hot chocolate from him, holding it close and absorbing its warmth. We both finish it fast, to no one’s surprise, and when the glasses are resting on the floor Bucky hauls me into his lap, blankets and all.

“Thank you for today, Bucky.” I kiss his cheek one more time before I fall asleep tucked into his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	13. Chapter 13

I wake up in the morning feeling like absolute crap. My nose is stuffy, my head hurts and my body can’t decide if it’s hot or cold. I eventually make it to the kitchen where Bucky has left a note saying he was heading out again. I grab some juice, thankful that I bought it for the cookies the other day and didn’t use all of it. Once I drink it I stumble back to my couch and flop back down. 

I hate being sick

I doze off, fading in and out of consciousness easily. When I finally get too cold I crawl over to Bucky’s bed and wiggle inside the sleeping bag with my quilt still around me. I’m just about asleep when I hear the door open and close.

“Lena?” Bucky asks, his voice sounding as good as I felt.

“Over here...” I croak out, my voice completely gone. 

“Are you sick?” He sits on the edge of the mattress before touching my forehead with his right hand. “Yes, you are.” He says before I can even think of a reply in my muddled brain. 

“Sorry about stealing your bed... was cold...” He shakes his head, stroking my cheek gently. Bucky gets up for a moment to grab a dish towel. He dries my face as I start to sweat again, getting hot wrapped up in my cocoon. That’s my least favorite thing about getting sick. That you can never get comfortable. Just when you think your good, your body will do a 180 and you’ll be dying again. 

He helps me out of the sleeping bag, which was good because I’ve got absolutely no energy to move. His left hand brushes my arm and I sigh, the cool metal feeling like heaven against my burning skin. Bucky pauses for a moment before switching to stroke my cheek with his cold hand.

“Have you eaten anything yet?”

“Had juice.” I mumble back, frowning at the idea of eating food right now. 

“You need to at least try, Lena.” Bucky says in a semi-stern voice.

“Don’t wanna...” I whine, using all my energy to roll onto my side so I can face away from him. 

“It wasn’t a suggestion, doll. If you don’t eat at least a little, it’ll only take longer for you to get better. I don’t want my best girl suffering more than she needs to be.” A tiny smile dance across my face at the old slang he used. The more tired he is, the more often it slips out and I love it every single time.

“Your best girl?” I roll back over to look at him, a dopey smile on my face, the haziness from my high fever reducing the embarrassment of such silly expression.

“Of course.” He nods, a loving smile tugging at his lips. “You’re the best and you’re all mine.” A content sighs is pulled from my chest before it turns into a coughing fit. Note to self, no more sighing... “Now, I’m going to heat up a can of soup and we’re going to try and eat, alright?” I reluctantly nod, my face scrunching up to look grumpy. Bucky just rolls his eyes and heads to the kitchen.

I focus on the sound of Bucky clamoring in the kitchen to keep me from falling asleep. When he comes back over he’s got a bowl of soup and a glass of juice. He sets both on the floor and he snakes an arm around my waist and helps me sit up. Now that I’m semiconscious I can see that Bucky’s beat up again.

“Bucky, you’ve gotta clean that up, you’re hurt. Let me-”

“Not this time, doll. I can manage a few bandages. You need to eat and then rest.” He holds the spoon up to my lips and I frown, not opening up. I’m not hungry, I don’t wanna eat... “Lena.” Bucky’s low voice is well and truly stern now and I don’t dare try and fight him on this. After a few bites I stop opening my mouth again, really not hungry anymore.

“I’m not hungry, Bucky. I ate some like you asked, I don’t want anymore...” I whimper and look up at him with big puppy dog eye, hoping that’ll work. 

It doesn’t.

I end up eating the whole dang bowl, Bucky refusing to let me stop. He kept making comments on how I didn’t really eat anything yesterday, only some snacks in the morning and snacks at the festival, and how I won’t get better if I don’t eat and the longer it takes for me to get better the longer I have to wait to eat spicy food. Bucky holds the cup up and I tightly shut my mouth, glaring at the pushy man.

“Come on, you’re almost done.” I shake my head hard, the harsh and sudden movement making me more than a little dizzy. “You can either drink this on your own or I can make you drink it.” I keep up my glare as best as I can, which is hard because he’s got a very strong will shining in those blue eyes... Bucky heaves a sigh before taking a swig and pulling me into a quick kiss. 

My face is red, whether it’s from the fever or the kiss I’m not sure, I’d be willing to bet it’s both... but mostly the later. I try and push his shoulders back and break the kiss but my weak arms can’t manage to move him a single inch.

“You’re gonna get sick to, stupid...” I pant when he finally pulls back with a smirk.

“I’m a super soldier. I’m not going to catch something like a common cold. Now, are you going to drink by yourself?” When I nod his smile grows and he brushes his lips against my ear.

“That’s too bad, I was quite enjoying myself.” A shaky breath is drawn into my chest as I reach for the glass, drinking it as fast as I could. When it’s done I quickly lie down and duck my head under my pillow. “Get some sleep, doll. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

~~~~~

When I wake up again Bucky is sitting off to the side with no shirt on, bandaging up some wound on his side. It’s still light out so I guess I wasn’t out for that long, although I do feel a great deal better. 

“Thank God you woke up!” When he turns and sees me awake he scrambles closer, bandages forgotten. What? “It’s been two days, Lena.” My eyes widen at his words. Two days? No way... “And you didn’t wake up, you just started talking about all this crazy stuff. But... but you’re awake now...” The worry is clear in his eyes and I sigh. I’m being a distraction again.

“Did you stay here the whole time?”

“Of course I did.” I smile up at him.

“Thank you, Bucky.” He nods and as I get a better look at his face I can see how worn out he is. “I’m going to take a shower, why don’t you rest for a bit?” I slowly make it to my feet and walk over to the bathroom. The shower is nice, really nice. I step out in clean sweats and an old t-shirt to see Bucky passed out on his bed. 

At least he’s finally sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a few more snap shots and then hopefully something will happen. I've got some ideas, but they don't always work out... Here's to hoping! Alrighty then, thanks to everyone who's reading my little story and thanks for the comments and kudos on the previous chapters. :)

“Hey, Bucky!” I call from the bathroom as I rub a towel through my hair. “Can you bring me the scissors?” A few moments later he shows up, no shirt on and sweaty from training with a pair of old scissors.

“What do you need them for?” He says as we switch, I give him a towel and he hands me the scissors.

“I’m going to cut my hair, get rid of the split ends and stuff.”

“Not short though, right?” A look of concern washes over Bucky’s face when I say cut my hair. I know he likes my hair, he always runs his hands through it when we cuddle.

“No, not short. Just about this much.” I show him where on my hair I’ll be cutting it to and he relaxes when he sees it’s only an inch or two. “You want me to cut your hair too? I’m not too fancy but I can cut it shorter if you want. Or we could go out and get it done.” Although, now that I think about it, I don’t think he’s going to let some stranger near his head with any sort of sharp objects. “On second thought, you probably wouldn’t like that...” Bucky leans around me to look in the mirror, running and hand through his hair. His eyes drift off to another time and I’m starting to wonder if I should have just let it be...

“...James had short hair...” He mutters, voice so soft I don’t think he meant to say it out loud. Oh jeez, I don’t think I should have brought it up...!

“Um... You don’t have to. You look handsome either way.” I smile at him in the mirror but he just keeps looking at himself. He takes and deep breath and stands up straight, setting his shoulders before nodding. 

“Okay, you can cut it. But not a lot...” 

“Do you... Do you want it to be the same as James?” It feels weird using that name when referring to him. Bucky pauses before nodding.

“Maybe... Maybe a little longer than that...”

“Alright, why don’t you take a quick shower and then we’ll do this.” I figure I’ll give him some more time to think it over... 

I spend the time he’s in the shower pacing around the room. He’s been doing really well lately, his eyes don’t drift off to dark places as much. It still happens a lot but I can pull him back easier now, I don’t want to ruin that.

“Lena, I’m ready.” I suck in a deep breath before heading to the bathroom with a chair. 

“Here, put this over your shoulders.” I hand him an extra towel as I get the scissors ready. My eyes meet his in the mirror and I smile. “Sure about this?” He nods and I nod back.

With surprisingly steady hands I start to cut, making sure I don’t screw anything up. I can feel Bucky watching my every move in the mirror, which is a bit nerve racking but I manage to ignore him. Once I’ve got it close to where it was in the museum picture I saw I stop. I step out in front of him and run my hands through it, trying to style the quickly drying hair. 

“Well, what do you think? Shorter or is this good?” Bucky looks into the mirror when I step aside and a look of shock and more than a little pain flashes in his eyes at the final product. I chomp on my lip. 

This is what I was afraid of.

I don’t want him to think that he has to go back to being Sargent James Barnes. That it’s a choice of either that man or the twisted man that Hydra made. I just want him to be him, the man I think is wonderful. 

“Bucky...” I timidly say, waiting worriedly until he meets my gaze. “What do you think?”

“It’s... I... I don’t know.” I nod and try to remain calm. “I’m not him.” He finally mutters, nodding to his reflection. “He was someone good, someone clean. He never would have killed innocent-”

“Hey, that’s enough.” I quickly move around the chair and stand in front of him, leaning forwards and resting my hands on his shoulders. “Bucky, look at me.” But he stubbornly refuses, biting the inside of his lip. “Please, Bucky...” With a sigh he glances up. “The man I saved all those times, the man who got me all the way to Romania because he thought he owed a debt for an act he couldn’t even remember, the man who eats ice cream for dinner and has pillow fights with me to decide whose movie we watch, that man is a good man. Whether you have short hair or long hair, whether you think you're more like Sargent Barnes or the Winter Soldier, it doesn’t matter. You are still the same underneath it, still good. Now, do you want it any shorter or is this okay?” I question again and I run my hands through it, kind of enjoying the feel of the short hair but I miss the longer hair. It was nicer to run your hands through and tangle your fingers in...

“This is good...” I grin at him and lean in for a kiss. It was meant to be a short kiss but his arms lock around me, as per usual, and tug me into his lap. “What would I do without you, doll?” He whispers when I pull back from the slow kiss, resting his forehead again mine.

“Let’s hope we never have to find out.” Bucky sighs when I stand up and motion for him to move from the chair. I sit down and make quick work of trimming my hair, which was almost to my elbow these days. “Can you grab the broom?” A moment later he’s there, sweeping up the mess we made.

“I’m going to let it grow out.”

“Okay.” I move to stand on my tippy toes and give him a kiss on his rough cheek. “Whatever floats your boat... Now, how about we make some s’mores?” We both dash out to the kitchen with big grins on our faces. 

You can’t go wrong with s’mores.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	15. Chapter 15

“Doll, close your eyes.” I’m just finishing drying my hands from washing the dishes when Bucky comes back from running errands, bags in hand. “Come on, trust me.” I shrug lightly and do as he says, stuffing my hands into my pockets. The rustling of bags is all I can hear as I wait and I jump a little when Bucky takes a hold of my shoulders. I’m tugged forwards slowly, trusting him not to let me stub my toe.  
  
“What is it Bucky?” I ask when he still hasn’t given me the okay to open my eyes.

“Just one more second.” There is more sounds on the table, things being set out and such. “Alright, open your eyes.” They pop open the second he says okay only to open even wider when I see the table. There’s a small cake with my name written in dark blue frosting under happy birthday.

“Happy Birthday, Lena!” Bucky says with a big grin. My answering smile is bright and happy. Truth be told I forgot it was today. I never see calendars anymore, the days all blur together peacefully…

“You remembered!”

“Of course I did. I would never forget my best girl’s birthday.” Bucky looks so proud when I gush over the cake and the wrapped present and the flowers, his chest puffed out a little. I jump into his arms and tightly hug him.

“Thank you Bucky, this is perfect.”

“Say that after you taste the cake and open the present, doll.” He chuckles as he pulls out the chair for me. I giggle as I sit down and wait for Bucky. He hands me a box of candles and I stick twenty-six in. We each grab a match and light them as fast as possible, not wanting to eat wax covered cake. Bucky softly sings happy birthday and I want to cry at how happy and carefree he looks right now...

I wish that Bucky will always be able to be happy.

The wish is made and I blow out the candles in one breath. As we take them out Bucky licks the icing from every one, even when I tease him for it.

“You can get away with teasing me for today, since it’s a special day, but tomorrow I’m going to get you back when you tease me.”

“I better use my time wisely then.” A smirk and an eye roll is the response I get as he slices the cake up. One bite in and I have to stop.

It’s so good!

I quickly shovel another bite in, my eyes sliding shut and a soft moan slipping out. Bucky is watching me with an amused expression when I open my eyes to find more cake. My cheeks heat up when I remember that I’m not alone and I just made that sound in front of him... from a piece of cake...!

“It’s... um, it’s really good...”

“I can see that, or should I say hear?” Even my ears are burning now... Curse this delicious cake and that smug expression!

“W-what kind is it?”

“Lemon-Blackberry.” I nod thoughtfully, sorting out the ingredients with the next bite, savoring each flavor.

“Good pick.” He nods, eating away happily at his own slice. After two slices for each of us, neither of us can really expect this cake to last the night, Bucky hands me a thin box wrapped up neatly in shiny blue paper.

I rip it open, my fingers tearing easily through the paper and tape, to see a plain brown box. After he cuts the packaging tape I open the flaps and the present slides out.

It’s a picture frame, with columns of our festival pictures all set behind the glass. My eyes tear up as I look over them, a giant smile on my face.

“I kept a few for myself...” Bucky says, holding up one of the columns of pictures, the ones where he’s doing his best to turn me as red as a tomato. I gently set the frame down before leaning over the table and dragging Bucky over for a kiss.

“Thank you, Bucky. It’s perfect.” We both grin like fools before he pulls me around the table and over to the couch. We snuggle into the soft cushions and I take his metal hand in mine, my fingers tracing over the lines and plates that make it up.

“I’m glad you like it. I was worried, I didn’t know what I should get you. I can’t take you out anywhere, and I’m sorry about that, but I figured we could have a little party ourselves.”

“This is literally the best birthday I’ve had Bucky. Ever.” An excited grin dances across my face as an idea pops into my head. “You know what’ll make it even better?”

“Hmm?”

“A fort.” Bucky leans back to look at me, confusion in his eyes.

“You want to go to a fort? Like, a military fort? Why?”

“No, we should make a fort. Out of blankets and stuff. And then we can bring snacks down and watch a movie or YouTube. Come on, it’ll be fun!” I jump up, pulling on Bucky’s hand for him to join me.

He pushes the table over near the couch along with the chairs as I start to tuck the quilt and other blankets over everything. I toss our pillows inside along with the sleeping bag and fuzzy blanket, pushing the laptop and a handful of our favorite movies under with it.

“When I was really little I had a bunk bed, the bottom was supposed to be for storage, but I used to have this giant blanket that I loved to build forts with. I would tuck the blanket into the bars above the lower bunk and make a little house. I even stole my mom’s scissors to cut out holes in the blanket for windows. My parents were furious but that never stopped me. I’m great at making forts.” Bucky’s smile is gentle as I relive my few happy childhood memories while smoothing out the roof of our fort. Then I stop, frozen in place as I realize what I’d been doing.

“What is it?” Bucky’s suddenly worried, probably from my abrupt pause.

“I didn’t... I don’t want to brag about my memories or anything. Because I know you’re still working on remembering... Oh no...” Tears start to fill my eyes but Bucky quickly grabs my shoulders.

“Doll, you’re not bragging, you’re sharing. I’m not going to get mad or upset because you can remember your childhood and I can’t. I don’t hate hearing about you as a kid, what you used to do. I actually enjoy it. I always wondered why you never really talked about you past. This is why?” I nod, eyes glues to the bright ones above me. “Lena, I’m not made of glass, some metal, but not glass. You can tell me anything and everything, I hope that you will, alright?” I nod, rubbing my eyes on my sleeve before smiling up at Bucky.

“Come on, we still have to set up the inside.” He grins back at me and we both crawl into our fort, getting everything set up before snuggling close and watching movies.

~~~~~

After half a movie and several YouTube videos we get out, disassembling out fort while Bucky insists on making dinner, claiming that since it was my birthday I shouldn’t have to do anything. So I sit back and wait while he cooks, looking over all the different pictures within the frame.

“Okay, doll, everything’s ready.” I turn around and my eyes go wide, my mouth falling open. He’s set the table up with a table cloth, with candles and wine glasses, the whole shebang. Some sort of fancy looking steak is on our plates along with what looks like mashed potatoes and green beans.

“Gosh, I should make you cook more often.” Bucky chuckles as he pull out my chair for me.

“This took a lot of the Google.” I smirk, _the_ Google... “But if you want sandwiches more often then I’m your guy.” He pours us each some wine before sitting across from me, happy eyes reflecting the candle light. “Dig in.” With one more smile I do as he says, happily eating away at my fancy pants dinner.

I keep drinking wine even though I know I probably shouldn’t. I’m not the greatest at holding my alcohol, regardless of what kinds it is. I’m happily drunk in no time, giggling at everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!!!  
> So, if it's not obvious at the start of the chapter, this is from Bucky's point of view. I don't want to confuse people, but I wasn't sure how to put this in Lena's perspective as I've never been this drunk. I could have guessed what it would be like but this was just a simpler way. Everything should be back to normal in the next chapter...  
> Anywho, thanks to everyone who's still reading this and thank you for all the kudos you guys have been leaving! :)

I guide Lena to the couch before I go to wash the dishes, not trusting her to make it there by herself. She evidently can’t hold her liquor well. After a few glasses she was giggling away at how the green bean wiggled when she picked it up with her fork. 

A quick glance over my shoulder and I can see her giggling at something else, not sure what but at least she’s happy. I had been more than a little nervous for today. The last time I went to or threw a birthday party was seventy years ago and I didn’t want to ruin this for her. But the way her eyes lit up when she saw the cake and the flowers was worth every agonizing second I spent freaking out about this. 

My metal fingers clink against the plates as I set them out to dry, almost done with the menial task. Lena is still giggling and I can’t help but smile at the sound. I can picture her face in my mind, the way her eyes crinkle at the edges when she really smiles, her adorable slightly crooked teeth, the light pink color in her cheeks, the beautiful blonde hair that frames her face... I really don’t deserve her, but I don’t ever want to let go. 

When I sit on the couch she turns to me, already smiling. Her eyes go wide and she leans forwards, motioning for me to do the same.

“I’ve-I’ve gotta secret... You can’t tell anyone, shh...” A finger covers my lips and I desperately fight the urge to drag her into my arms. “You look- you look like Bucky...” 

“You don’t say?” 

“It’s true, just like him. Such nice blue eyes... And pink lips, always so pink...” She looks adorable as her face shifts to confusion, one of her slender fingers poking at my lower lip. “Handsome and- YOU HAVE A METAL ARM TOO! Woah...” She takes my hand in awe and I have to turn away to smother my chuckle. “So shinny... So pretty...” The laughter vanishes in an instant. 

She’s wrong, it’s not pretty. She wouldn’t think it were so pretty if she could see all the people I killed with it, all the innocent blood that paints it red in all my nightmares- 

“You’d like Bucky... He’s so nice... He could- he could have a friend with a metal arm, that’d be nice. So he’s not alone... My arm is not metal- I don’t think it is...” She raise her hand up to her eyes, barely an inch from her face and studies it closely.

“No, it’s not. It’s a nice, warm hand covered in soft skin.” I tug her hand away from her face and trace my metal fingers over her palm, wishing more than ever that I could feel that warmth. 

“You’d like my Bucky... Buck... Buck-aroo... Buck-ster... Buck-skin… Buck-et... Buck-le... Buck-o... Bucko!” She keeps saying my name, getting further and further from it with each new word before doubling over in a fit of giggles at Bucko. I can’t help but laugh along with her. Lena leans over when she hears me laughing and just watches for a moment, eyes wide.

“What is it?”

“Bucky laughs like that sometimes too...” Her brow furrows and I want to smooth out the wrinkles, Lena being much too precious to worry about someone like me. “But sometimes, sometimes- shh... you can’t tell him, it’s a secret too- sometimes he looks so sad...”

“But I’m sure he feels very happy with you around.” I’m quick to add, not wanting her to dwell on me and my darker times. I used to be good at hiding things, at keeping a straight face, but I guess not so much so anymore...

“Maybe...” She’s still frowning but I just shake my head and sink a hand into her hair, cupping the back of her head and pulling her forward. 

“Not maybe, definitely.” I whisper against her lips before kissing her gently. Lena’s answering gasp sends a jolt of electricity through my body, pulling a soft moan from deep in my throat. Her hands push back against my shoulders and I move, knowing she doesn’t have strength in her arms at the moment to actually move me.

“I can’t kiss you! I can only kiss Bucky...” She nods with herself, face serious. With slow movements I frame her face in my hands and look deep into her wonderfully dark eyes.

“You think I’d let another fella even get this close to you?” I ask, my voice low as I speak. Lena squints at me before her eyes fly open.

“Bucky!” She says, the bright and innocent smile on her face tugging at my heart, the absolute trust in her shining eyes damn near stopping it. “When did you get here?! I was just- just talking to, um... to someone! You’d like him, he’s got a- a- a metal arm too!” 

“I’ll make friends later, doll. Right now I want a kiss.” Her cheeks grow pink when I say doll, exactly the reaction I wanted. I wonder if she knows how cute she is when she blushes, if she knows what she does to me every time she smile. Lena tilts her chin up and closes her eyes, waiting patiently for me to kiss her. 

A delicate sigh is pull from her and I moan in response, hands moving down to her waist so I can slide her closer. Everything about her soft and delicate and innocent. The first time I kissed her, way back when we got off the plane, I yelled at myself the whole way to the safe house and several hours after that. 

I was so furious that I even touched her with my dirty hands. And it wasn’t just one kiss, I could have faked it, could have just stood there close enough and acted like I was kissing her. But the second my lips touched her, when I felt her gasp rather than heard it, I was caught. I well and truly kissed her, my hands trailing over her soft skin and sinking into her silky hair like I wasn’t a monster, like she was mine to have, like I had a right to hold and kiss her. I swore to myself that I was never going to touch her again, that she shouldn’t be tarnished by me. 

Obviously I didn’t stick with that promise but I’m not going to complain and I don’t think she will either. 

Lena shivers when my metal hand slips under the back of her shirt and starts to trace patterns on her smooth skin. I kiss my way down the side of her neck, loving all the tiny gasps and whimpers, the way she tugs on my hair, the way she murmur’s my name. God, I just can’t get enough of her...

Eventually we both settle into soft, slow kisses, snuggled under the blankets on the couch. Lena pulls back with droopy eyes and nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck. I stroke her hair as I feel her breathing even out. This is how I want to be all the time. I want this feeling of contentment and safety to always surround us. I want the serenity of this moment to drag on forever.

“Happy birthday, Lena.” I whisper, my breath rustling her hair before I close my eyes and drift off to sleep with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	17. Chapter 17

One night, after a hard day of finding himself again, Bucky has a nightmare a couple of hours into his sleep. It’s a bad one, his arms and legs trying to escape the sleeping bag, and I start to sing a soft lullaby. At first it seems to make him more restless, but eventually he calms down and drifts back off. Mental note, sing to him when this happens...

Bucky is still asleep in the morning when I get up, which has never happened before. I tiptoe closer to him, watching his peaceful face as he slept. He didn’t even wake up when I walked closer to him. When the clock says 11:30, I decide to wake him up. I’ve got food already made and waiting on the table.

“Bucky, it’s time to wake up.” I sit on the floor next to him and gently run my fingers through his hair. He takes a deep breath before his eyes open to look at me.

“Lena?” Oh God, his voice. It’s rough with sleep and I could literally listen to it for days. “What...?”

“You were sleeping, really sleeping. Feels good, right?” I smile softly at him and he looks at me with a strange expression. 

“I didn’t... didn’t hurt you, right?” I shake my head and he frowns. “You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?” I nod but he doesn’t seem to believe me. His eyes drift over me, making sure there are no new bruises or cuts. 

“I’m perfectly fine and lunch is ready.” I move to stand but he grabs my hand and pulls me down onto the bed, settling over me. “Bucky?” He lays onto of me, his weight not uncomfortable, and presses his face into my shoulder. 

“... I had a dream about you last night...” I start running my finger through his hair, not sure if I should be do anything. “They got me back, Hydra did, had me hooked up and ready to go. And I wanted to fight, I tried to, but nothing happened. Then you showed up and they started to shoot at you. I tried so hard to get to you but I couldn’t move...! Then, as you were shot at, you walked closer to me even though I was screaming at you to leave. But you wouldn’t... you wouldn’t listen! You said something but I couldn’t understand. You grabbed my hand and then everything vanished, we were in a forest. Just sitting there... it was snowing...”

“Oh Bucky, I’m so sorry... You had a nightmare and I started singing. You relaxed after a bit, I thought it helped...” Evidently my presence made everything worse… fantastic... 

“And when I woke up this morning feeling like I actually slept, I thought that I must have done something to you, that you couldn’t get me to wake up. But you’re okay.”

“I’m perfectly okay. Now, let’s eat something.” After one more minute of snuggling he rolls off me and stands fluidly. He holds out his hand to me and pulls me up.

Lunch was eaten quickly and soon we head out to get supplies for his relaxing day here. We’re making ice cream sundaes and watching movies, maybe some reading if we are feeling up to it. I grab a variety of genre’s, sticking away from WW II movies, well, any movies with wars in them at all really. 

When we make it back to the house it’s close to four. I get the laptop ready for the movies while Bucky gets the sundaes ready. We snuggle under the quilt when everything is set, both of us already decimating our ice-cream. He likes the detective one we watched, not as big a fan of the fantasy one to my dismay, but his favorite were the black and white ones we watched. After our forth movie he turns to me and drops a light kiss on my lips.

“I love you, Lena.” He whispers and my heart clenches in my chest. I push back on his shoulders so I can look into his eyes. Mine widen probably comically when I see how serious he is. 

“I love you too, Bucky...” My chin quivers as I try not to cry. “So much...” I want desperately to be in his arms but I feel like if I move I’m going to cry...

“I know, doll.” Bucky lifts me up and slides me into his lap, arms tight around me. “I know.” Everything feels right. God, why can’t it always be like this?

~~~~~

I spend the night wrapped up in his arms, the both of us cuddled under the quilt on the couch. He sleeps peacefully through the night, which makes me more than a little happy. 

I stretch my neck forwards and kiss his stubbly chin in the morning. Bucky’s arms tighten around me and I know he’s awake. A smirk lights my face as I kiss down his throat. I kiss his collar bone, lightly going along until I get to where his skin meets the metal. My lips brush over the seam of scars and all the way to the red star before working my way to his other shoulder. I can see the muscles in his jaw tense as I keep on going before he finally sighs.

“Stop it...” He murmurs, a lazy smile forming on his lips. I grin in response and place one more kiss on his chin before snuggling close.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and the wake-up call was better than most.” He chuckles and he slides me up. “Good morning, Lena.” Bucky says as he kisses me. I melt into him, completely at ease. “And as much as I’d love to stay here under you all day, I’ve got to run some more errands.” I nod before taking another kiss. 

“Do you want to eat before you go?” He shakes his head as we stand up.

“I’ll grab a bite to eat on the way out. Don’t wait up for me, I’ll be a couple days.” He gets changed efficiently before giving me one more quick kiss and walking out. I start to make my plans for the day. I’m going to get the laundry done, wash the quilt and the sleeping bag, let them dry on the fire escape if it’s a nice day. 

Once all that is started I begin to prepare the small pot roast for dinner. I keep myself busy as the day drags on, trying very hard not to think about what kind of trouble Bucky might be getting into. I look down at my own little journal and sigh. His birthday is coming up... But I’m not one hundred percent sure he would want to celebrate it. I’ve been meaning to ask him about it but I can never work up the nerve.

The knock on the door at two surprised me. Do I answer it? When the doorknob starts jiggling I start to panic. Someone’s breaking in?! I grab both my journal and Bucky’s before dashing into the closet. Someone stomps in and I know it’s not Bucky, you can almost never hear him move unless he’s hurt or angry. Even then it’s still pretty quiet.

“Come on out, Soldier. You thought you could hide from me?” The intruder is a man, with some kind of thick accent. I peek through the gap and gulp. He’s ginormous! “I know you’re here. No one else thought to check the old safe houses from back in the day, no one but me. It took a lot of digging and a lot of guessing to finally find you.” I cover my mouth, trying to steady my breathing. “You’ve turned domestic! Trying your hand at cooking these days, are we?”

The man keeps walking about with slow purposeful steps, checking the bathroom and fire escape first. Then he turns around and pulls out a gun, firing one round suddenly into the floor. I jump, knocking my head on the back of the closet. Before I can even move the man has the door open and is leering down at me. 

“Well, what have we here? A little mouse?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TADA~!! Something happened, YAY!!!  
> Okay, so I didn't really want to end this chapter here, but if I kept going it would be much too long so... sorry.. :/
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's the next part. It's a tad more violent the usual, kidnappers and all that after all. Thank you for reading and for all the comments and kudos you guy have been leaving, it makes my day every time. :)

He reaches for me but I dodge, scrabbling away. “Be a good girl and I won’t have to hurt you.” He says, his hands landing on my arm a moment later. He drags me out and throws me into a chair. “To be honest I was expecting someone more... Well, just more. You seem much too frail for the Soldier. Oh well, doesn’t matter. We got a hint of a whisper he would be here, and after much investigation we found he was living with someone. You see, we need him to do a few things for us. But since he’s not under Hydra’s thumb anymore he’s going to need some motivation. That’s where you, little mouse, come in.” My eyes are wide, my entire body shaking.  
  
“H-he won’t d-d-do anyth-thing for you! He do-doesn’t do that-t anymore.”  
  
“Anyone will do anything with the right motivation. Now, we’re going to have to make this look convincing. I was told not to hurt the captive but... it was more of a suggestion I think.” I try and pull away, to kick him or god, just anything! But his grip on me is like steel, his hands causing my arms to go numb. “A little of this.” Before I can react a needle is jammed into my arm. Seconds later my legs drop out from under me, my arm twisting painfully as he holds me up by it. “Now I’ll trash the place a bit...” He tosses me like a rag doll onto the couch before turning and flipping the table and chairs, scattering the dishes, breaking a few of them, and just generally ruining the place. “And now I’ll need some blood.” I want to shake my head, I want to fight like Bucky taught me but I can’t! I can’t move, I can’t make a sound, I just... just...  
  
The man whips out a knife, dragging it across my palm. It burns, it hurts, make it stop! I breathe harder, trying to fight whatever was in my veins but nothing helps. As if slicing me up wasn’t enough, he grabs my hand and squeezes, forcing more blood out.  
  
“Good, now to paint a picture for the Soldier to find.” He drags me again, like I was a limp doll, and smears my hand across different surfaces, splattering the blood around. “Truly a work of art. Come along now.” The man smiles down at me, the look causing shivers down my spine. His foot connects with my face and everything disappears.

~~~~~

“You left the phone like you were supposed to?”  
  
“Of course I did.”  
  
“Where he could clearly see it.”  
  
“Yes, this isn’t my first time doing this, you know...”  
  
Two voices wake me up, my head pounding and my entire body aching. My arms are sorer than anything else and when my brain starts functioning properly it’s easy to tell why.  
  
My hands are bound together and hocked onto something attached to the ceiling. I’m dangling maybe a foot off the ground, swaying ever so slightly. I try to keep the frightened noise inside, I really do, but I’m not used to situations like this, I don’t know how to hide the blatant fear. My mind flashes back to Hydra and that really only makes my panic attack worse.  
  
“She’s awake.” A third voice says from the shadows, a female voice this time. Light and airy, but managing to sound cold and detached.  
  
Two men quickly move in front of me, curiously glancing to see if what the woman said was true. Before me is the larger man from before, still in his tactical gear, and a shorter man with a painfully angular face with sharp beady eyes to match.  
  
“Perfect! Just perfect! We need you awake after all, we’ve got to motivate the Soldier.” He claps his hands excitedly, and creepy laughing echoing in the room. “I must admit I was as shocked to see the infamous Winter Soldier, the Fist of Hydra, had taken such frail toy. I would have pegged him as a man who’d like it rough. You probably can’t stand a good fucking, you’d break. Maybe that’s what he’s into though. I guess we’ll find out when he gets here.”  
  
“Where am I?” I am super impressed with how steady my voice is because on the inside I am literally falling to pieces.  
  
“Hidden. And you had best hope that your dear weapon comes home soon because Gil here is going to be practicing his torture techniques on you until he does.”  
  
“Why-”  
  
“Don’t ask stupid questions.” The sharp man hisses, his expression snapping from dark glee to unrestrained rage with alarming speed. “We need him to cooperate. She’s all yours Gil.” The man says as he turns away, waving his hand in the air as he did.  
  
The big man from earlier, Gil evidently, eyes light up when he looks at me. He rubs his chin thoughtfully, like he was really thinking about how to hurt me. My stomach rolling violently, trying to not throw up. I’m sure that would only make it worse for me.  
  
“The little mouse is all mine. How nice.” A hand move suddenly, grabbing my shoulder tightly in his meaty paws. Instead of squeezing or causing me pain he just pushes me roughly, sending me spinning and swinging through the air. I screw my eyes shut, only tiny whimpers escaping as I move.  
  
Hurry and find me, Bucky!

~~~~~  
  
Four days, at least I think that’s how long it’s been. It’s hard to tell when there’s no sunlight or a clock. Four days of absolute agony. Torture in the movies seems way less creative than it is in real life. This monsters favorite is a set of long needles that he likes to jam into different nerves. The one in the elbow gets him his favorite reaction of me screaming bloody murder.  
  
He started with just straight forward pain, the needles in the nerves, the whipping, the hitting. Then he decided to mix things up. He set up speakers all around me and set the volume to too-damn-high and started to play sounds. When he would leave for what I assume is his rest, he would turn it on to loud screaming music or jet engines or God knows what to keep me awake. During the physical pain he might have it turned onto a painfully high frequency.  
  
No food, no sleep, no oxygen sometimes, a fist around my throat choking off all air. I don’t even know what to do anymore but scream. When my voice fails me I just sort of croak, throat burning as I fight against the ropes digging into my skin.  
  
“Alright, he’s calling!” The sharp man from before bursts into the room with an excited face. Gil turns off the high pitched whine and waits next to his boss. “Hello?” He chuckles at whatever Bucky said. “Of course we know who we’re dealing with, why do you think we took her?” I stare at the phone with huge eyes, desperately trying to hear Bucky’s voice. The sharp man sees me straining and smiles, beady eyes glinting. “You want to hear her? Have proof that, as of right now, she’s alive?” Bucky answers just how the man wanted, as evident by his triumphant smile, and he nods to Gil. He reaches for his needles again, jamming one into my elbow as he tears the gag off. I fight the pain, I won’t scream for them! I won’t make Bucky listen to that. I don’t want him to come anymore, not after listening to what these men want to use him for. I won’t let them turn him into the monster again, **I won’t!**  
  
“Come on, bitch. Scream or you both die.” I shake my head and breath in, holding the oxygen deep in my chest as I stay silent. “Fine, your choice.” With alarming speed four more needle are stuck through my skin, all jamming into their assigned nerves. One I could hold back, maybe even two, but five at once, I can’t... No matter what I do, I can’t...  
  
My screech echoes in the room, my body writhing in the air, the sharp man turning to phone so it could pick up as much of the sound as possible.  
  
“Bucky! Stay... away...!” I manage to wail, tears streaming down my face and Gil twists the instruments. He slams the gag back into my mouth and backhands me hard. Even I, from this far away, can hear Bucky’s answering roar.  
  
**“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU BASTARDS!!!”**  
  
“I said she was alive, I **never** said she was safe. Now, if you ever want her back you’ll do as we say, because killing us is something even you can’t do. It took us quite a while to find you, even more time to figure out a weak point.” He nods for Gil to go back to work as he heads out, still talking with Bucky.  
  
“Time for punishment. Next time I tell you to scream, you scream.” My eyes slide shut as the routine pain starts up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's another chapter from Bucky's point of view... I really like writing from his perspective, I'm not going to lie. :)  
> Thanks for the comments and kudos that you guys are leaving, I'm REALLY glad that people are liking my story. :D

These missions are growing old, especially when I don’t learn anything new from the Hydra agents and such that I find. Yes, I know that I killed people; many, **many** people. Yes, I know I was brainwashed and yes, I know you weren’t a part of that particular torture. No, that doesn’t exempt you from the major ass kicking that’s coming your way. No, I’m not going to kill you, I’ve had enough of that. Yes, I know I was someone before Hydra. No, I can’t remember a whole lot.

I stumble back into the building, my leg killing me from the little stunt with the car. I really ought to be more careful, Lena would be furious if I ever told her how I injured myself. For a quick moment I pause, leaning against the wall of the stairwell.

God I’m so tired...

After much work I make it up to our floor and over to our door. But from where I’m standing I can see its open, just a bit. My muscles tense on reflex as I scan over everything. With a hand on one of my knives I slowly walk forwards. I don’t hear Lena from here, she usually humming or talking to herself, I don’t even hear her breathing in there. After some missions I just like to sit here and listen to her as she talks to herself or the inanimate object in the kitchen, she says the funniest things. But there’s nothing, it’s entirely too silent.

_She left you._

I shove the thought down, not even wanting to think about that but it just pops up again, demanding to be heard.

_You know she never leaves by herself, she’s too nervous around people she can’t understand. Since she’s not here, she must have left. Finally fed up with you and your shit._

No, she wouldn’t do that! Would she? I thought... I thought that everything was going well, that I was doing well, that **we** were doing well. Did I miss something? I must have done something, that’s it! If I can just remember what, I can go apologize and bring her back... But what if she doesn’t want to come back?

_She probably hates you, you’ve hurt her so bad. Worse than anything Hydra put her through. She’s fed up with it._

I panic as I stare at the open door to the silent room.

What do I do without her?

I swallow hard and take a deep breath, preparing myself for what lies ahead, and step forward. The door creaks a little, I have to remember to get some oil or something-

Wrong. I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

My heart is beating fast, hard enough that it actually hurts.

The room is a disaster, having been tossed apart for a purpose. Not from a struggle, I love Lena but she couldn’t have put up this much of a fight. At the smeared bloody hand print I feel an incredible wave of absolute rage roll through my body.

They hurt her.

They hurt my Lena.

They’re going to pay, whoever it is, and pay dearly.

After I manage to hold the rage in check my eyes land on the phone. Once I’m sure I can pick it up without smashing it my fingers wrap around it. If they left a phone for me to find, a whole theatrical set just to torture me, Lena is still most likely alive. I have to believe that she’s still alive because if I think she’s dead for even a second I’m not sure I could function.

Before I call I need to clean the place up. Every time my eyes land on the hand print or the other smears and splatters I can see in my head all the different ways they could have hurt her to get them. I just keep seeing her broken body on the floor... It’s my fault, all my fault, I put her there...

I screw my eyes shut, forcing the tears to stay put. With a shuddering breath I walk to the kitchen, grabbing a wet rag, before heading back and scrubbing away at the stains.

_Of course it's all your fault. She trusted you, cared for you, and this is how you repay that love. You’re a monster. You don't deserve her, you don't deserve to be happy._

I don’t even try and push the thought away, knowing it’s true. If I had been thinking straight I would have never gotten close to her. It was only ever going to end like this, one of us hurt or dead, maybe both.

Focus, Barnes, Lena needs you. Get your shit together before you really lose her. The voice of reason cuts through everything else and I take a deep breath. I need to save her, I need to. She's all I have... all I love...

I flip the phone open and hit the redial button. After righting the chair I sit down, waiting for the fucker who took my Lena away to answer. There is a click on the other end and before they can even say a word I start.

“Do you know who you’re messing with?” My voice is low and dark, my body tensing up as rage burns through my veins when the man on the other end chuckled. He evidently doesn’t know me very well if he thinks this is a laughing matter.

“Of course we know who we’re dealing with, why do you think we took her? You want to hear her? Have proof that, as of right now, she’s alive?” The man is smiling on the other side of the line, I can hear it. I bite out a yes, focusing on not squishing the phone in my grasp.

The scream that blasts through the phone make my heart stop, an awful feeling settling in my gut. She’s crying, sobbing, wailing at me not to come for her. She’s hurting, my Lena is in pain. The heart stopping pain and dread from the screaming is quickly overridden by the rage resurfacing with a passion.

 **“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU BASTARDS!!!”** I scream back through the phone, meaning every single word.

My metal hand snaps the knife I had been trying to distract myself with in half, the piece flying across the room in different directions.

“I said she was alive, I **never** said she was safe. Now, if you ever want her back you’ll do as we say, because killing us is something even you can’t do. It took us quite a while to find you, even more time to figure out a weak point.” I growl, a purely animalistic noise which just makes the man on the other end chuckle some more. We’ll see who fucking chuckling when I smash your face in! “Here’s how this is going to work. I’m going to text you an address, you’re going to show up and play nice or the little mouse is going to have her neck snapped.”

“Fine.” I bite out, not having any intention of listen to a word of what this man wants. They are all going to pay, pay with their lives, for hurting Lena, for trying to use her to get to me. With a quick snap I shut the phone, grabbing my various weapons from around the room. I don’t have any guns, not yet that is, but they are easy enough to come by if you know where to look.

I slip into my old tactical gear, mask and all, before heading off. Guns first, Lena second. I try and keep the images of what they could be doing to her from playing in my head but it doesn’t work as well as I’d like it to. I can see her face, twisted up as she screams.

I guess it’s good that there are a lot of people between her and me, I need to work out some rage...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... one more kinda feels-y chapter... Poor Bucky... :( But it'll get better, I swear!!  
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	20. Chapter 20

Over the sound of heavy metal I can hear the sound of gun shots and explosions. I wonder if that part of the sound track too. I’m so tired, so very tired. And hungry, and light headed. The oxygen mask over my face allows me just enough oxygen to stay conscious but not enough to feel at ease. I just want to give up, I don’t want to do this anymore.  
  
When the door slams open and I see Gil racing in, tears start to form in my eyes. No more, please no more... He says something angrily but I can't hear him over the loud guitar and screaming lyrics. He makes a mad dash for a knife and turns off the speakers before spinning and holding the shining metal against my neck but I’m too tired, too broken in my mind to try and be afraid of him anymore.  
  
“Stay back or I’ll kill her!” He scream right next to my ear, his voice frantic, desperate, **afraid**. Something I’ve never heard from him, at least I don’t think so. I don’t remember much about what happens these days, all the pain just melding together in my head.

There is a single gunshot and Gil falls. Blood bursts from his neck where the bullet tore through him and splatters against my cheek and neck, the sickly warm liquid slowly dripping down my arm. I turn my eyes to the door where I can see someone walking out of the shadows, dragging the sharp man from before by his hair.  
  
Bucky... He came, he beat everyone...  
  
He’s dressed in his black tactical gear, something I was sure I’d never see him wear again. It brings back memories to my bleary head, of him lying on the floor of my garage, of him looking at me in fear, him scarfing down PB+J sandwiches.  
  
He slams the man, who may or may not be dead, he’s certainly not conscious, into one of the cages I had been subjected to. When it’s secured he shuts the door to the outside world and locks it.  
  
“Lena...” His voice echoes and I close my eyes. “No, please don’t give up now! I’m here, I’m right here.” Bucky mutters, his hands quickly pulling off my mask and working to get me out of the ropes.

I whimper when he touches me, my entire body still in constant pain from all the shit that Gil did. His face crumples at the sound, his eyes darkening. Once I’m free he takes me over to one of the tables, his metal arm swiping across to clear it quickly. The cool metal of the table makes me whimper as it presses against the skin through all the hole and tears in my clothes.

“Bucky...” I manage to open my eyes just a crack, glimpsing at his worried expression as he takes his own mask off.

“Lena, I’m right here. I’m so sorry I took so long, so sorry you’re hurt. But I’ve got you, they’ll never touch you again, I swear.” He pulls out a bottle of water from somewhere and starts to wash me up. As he does, the fact that I’m safe starts to sink into my head. I close my eyes, finally passing out.

~~~~~  
  
My eyes open to see Bucky’s stubbly jaw and tactical gear. He’s cradling me to his chest, arms holding me secure and rocking me ever so gently. The warmth of his body just barely seeps through his gear and I try to snuggle closer, desperate for any kind of heat.  
  
“...Bucky...?”  
  
“Hey there, doll. You’re alright now... You’re safe...” His thumb strokes over my shoulder, just barely skimming over the skin. “I’m sorry Lena, so sorry.”  
  
“...cold...”  
  
“Right, sorry. It’s hard for me to tell sometimes...” He slips out of the jacket, pulling me closer, his soft under shirt much comfier than the leather. God he’s so warm... feels nice...

“Bucky...” I close my eyes again and snuggle my head into the crook of his neck. “...home...”  
  
“As soon as you’re stable we’re heading home. Just wait a little while longer.” A soft kiss is pressed into my forehead as he continues to murmur softly.  
  
“Safe...?”  
  
“You’re perfectly safe, doll. I’ve got you, nothing is going to hurt you.”  
  
“No... you...”  
  
“I’m fine, not a single scratch. You took a few years off my life, but other than that I’m just peachy. Now hush, rest. I’ll take care of everything...”  
  
I manage a small nod, resting against his warm body.  
  
Everything should be okay now...

~~~~~  
  
Lena passes out again, albeit she looks a little more peaceful now. Getting in here was almost too easy, even Hydra bases in their fractured state put up more of a fight. They had weak guards, with weak training, and absolute shit for resources.  
  
Seriously, too easy.  
  
Finding the man in charge of this shithole was easy too. Find the most protected area and there he is, not that it took long to deal with his flimsy guards. I really have no clue as to how he thought he was going to force me to do anything other than kill him.  
  
At first when he saw me he laughed, about to make some witty comment I’m sure, but I punched him so I never got to hear it. And just like I thought, he wasn't chuckling after that. I, however, felt a great deal better. So I continued, I used what Hydra taught me and got every piece of information out of him before he died. It's wasn't a nice and easy death, it was slow and painful and **everything** he deserved for hurting my Lena.  
  
_You have her, but you still don’t deserve her. You shouldn't touch her with your bloody hands, you’ll ruin her._  
  
I cringe at the thought. Yeah, I probably will... but she needs me right now, I can’t just leave her...  
  
_She hates you, you took too long._  
  
No, she doesn’t! She... she can’t...  
  
_She does._  
  
If she did, she wouldn’t have relaxed in my arms!  
  
_She’s exhausted, she didn’t have much of a choice. As soon as she wakes up she’ll leave.  Who would want a monster like you?  Who could forgive a monster like you? **No one.**_  
  
Shut up! I shove the thought down, my prosthetic hand gripping the edge of the table hard enough to bend the metal. Until I know otherwise, I’m going to believe that she can still love me, that she’ll stay. And if, when she wakes up, she hates me... then I’ll let her go. She deserves to be happy, deserves better than me...  
  
I glance down at the woman in my arms, covered in bruises, cuts, and welts. My Lena... My arms tighten around her, pulling her as close as I can without hurting her.  
  
“Please don’t make me let her go...” I plead, my voice shaky. I have no idea who I’m pleading with and I don’t care.  I’d pray if I thought that God would even listen to a monster like me. _“Please...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	21. Chapter 21

There is someone... crying? Talking... Someone’s talking... To something, someone, somewhere...

What’s going on?

Flashes of light break through the darkness, illuminating different scenes, little flickers of memories...

“Please wake up, Lena. Please come back... I need you...”

Bucky?

That was Bucky.

Bucky came back for me.

Bucky always kept me safe, always watched out for me, he never left me alone.

Bucky wants me back, but I’m already here. Why can’t I see him? I want to see him! Where is he?! I can hear him...! Panic starts to set in as I struggle in the inky blackness around me.

I fight against the darkness, the pain. I want to see Bucky, I need to see Bucky...!

More pain, oh God so much pain... Everything hurts, like lava in my veins, just thinking hurts! But I need Bucky... I... I… I have to...

I start to become aware of myself again, all my appendages in their various states of agony. I breathe harder as I try to open my eyes. 

“Lena?!” 

He’s close, I can hear it... I can... 

“Lena, can you hear me?!” 

Of course I can, you’re yelling in my ear... I’m right here after all. 

“Doll, please come back...” 

I’m coming, I’ll be right there... I will, I have to...

My eyes flutter, not wanting to cooperate with me, but I force them open. Light is the first thing I see, lots of annoyingly bright light. Then I see dark hair and worried blue eyes. 

Bucky... is holding his breath?

“You need to breathe, silly...” I say but it’s more of a soft whisper, too tired to talk. The air puffs out of him in one great huff, I would have laughed but holy Fizzbins I hurt from head to toe. 

“Thank you…” Bucky mutters again and again as he rests his forehead on the mattress. “You can’t die on me.”

“I’ll try my best not to...”

“Lena, can you just talk? About anything, I don’t care. Memories, stories, the alphabet, random words, anything... You've been out so long, I just need to hear your voice. Please...” He still doesn’t look at me and I nod, not caring that he wouldn’t notice it.

“Let’s see… When I was seven I joined the soccer team at our school. But I was a pretty timid child, so I would have the ball and be running to the other side of the field and the other goal, doing great, but when another kid came up to me I would just stand back and let them have the ball. Cause, you know, they always said sharing is caring in school. My coach was furious so he stuck me in the very back corner where the ball never came. I would spend the games picking dandelions which I’d give him after the game. I was only on the team for a year, to no one’s surprise.” 

Bucky lets out a weak chuckle, face still looking down and away, hands clenched tight around the quilt that covers me.

“When I was five, I had heard one of the other girls in my class say she always got what she wanted if she start whining and crying. I had wanted more apple slices for snack time so I went up to the teacher and tried whining. Mrs. Markely looked down at me with a stern face and said she couldn’t understand me when I talked like that. So naturally I did the opposite. I tucked my chin, furrowed my brows and asked for apple slices again slowly, in the lowest voice I could. She fell out of her chair laughing and gave me my apples slices.” I join in Bucky’s laughter. What can I say, I was an odd child. I keep on telling stories about me as a child until Bucky has completely relaxed.

“You’re gonna get better... You’re not gonna die...”

“Of course I’m not going to die, I’ve gotta take care of you. What would you do without me? Probably have ice cream for dinner every day...” Bucky nods with a weary chuckle into the mattress before crawling forward and lying next to me, careful not to touch or move me in any way, shape, or form.

“I’m not made of glass, Bucky, come closer.”

“I don’t want to hurt-” I roll my eyes and tug him closer. “Lena-”

“Snuggles!” I whine, pressing myself as close as I can get. 

“Doll, you need to heal...”

“I’ll heal faster if you snuggle with me.”

“No, I don’t think that’s how this works.” He keeps trying to untangle his arms from me. 

“Out of the two of us, who worked in a clinic? In the healthcare field?”

“You worked on a computer in the basement.”

“Bucky!” I plead, twisting closer. With a heavy sigh Bucky wraps his arms around me, careful not to put much pressure on me. I shrug lightly, I’ll take what I can get. Exhaustion washes over me and in no time flat I’m out like a light.

~~~~~

I’m curled on my side, hugging a pillow to my chest when I am awoken at the sound of Bucky softly talking, barely above a whisper and in shaky tones. For a moment I pause, wondering what I should do if he’s having a nightmare and I’m this close. He’d go ballistic if he found out he hurt me just days after saving me... When I’m conscious enough I start to listen and what I hear makes me stay where I am, faking sleep.

“...trying, Lena, I am. To be someone who deserves you. You say I’m a good man, that it’s wasn’t me who did all that shit. I’ll believe you for a moment, but then I’m reminded that it was me. My hands killed people, tortured people. I don’t... I don’t want to ruin you. Fuck, I don’t know what to do. I want to hold you close, I want you to never leave me but... but-” A heavy sighs cuts off his stuttering, and I can feel him moving as the bed shifts under him. “The right thing to do would be to let you go, I should have done that from the start. But I just- I just don’t want to! I’ve gotten used to having you around, to seeing you smile when I get back from those shitty missions, to having you cook all my favorite food, to watching movies with you curled up at my side. I can’t... Shit, I just can’t!” 

He’s turned towards me now, facing my back. It’s easier to hear him, I don’t have to strain as much. Warm fingertips skim over my exposed upper arm, trailing around in soft swirls. I wonder how often he talks to me while I’m sleeping...

“I made myself a promise, one I intend to keep even if it kills me. When you’re back to normal, when you stay conscious for more than a few minutes, I’ll ask. It was my fault you were taken, my fault you were hurt. Damn, it’s my fault you’re on the run in the first place. And if... if you hate me because I’ve screwed up too many times, I’ll let you go, I’ll disappear. I don’t want to, and it’d hurt like fucking hell, but I’d do it for you... That’s my least favorite promise I’ve ever made...” 

God, I want so desperately to turn around and hug him, but I know that he’d be so embarrassed if I did. Not the good, teasing kind of embarrassment you get when you mess around, but the guilty, heavy, lingering kind that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. And he’d get mad at himself for waking me up too.

“You know,” Bucky says, a tired chuckle drifting around the quiet room, “I actually tried praying. I don’t know to who, and I’m sure if anyone was out there they certainly wouldn’t listen, but I did it try. It was while we were getting back, after I got you out of the base. I was driving us home and we passed a church and I thought, what the hell, it can’t get any fucking worse. Doll, I looked so out of place in there surrounded by colorful glass and pews filled with grandma’s. I was only in there for a short minute, not wanting to leave you out in the car alone, maybe I should have stayed longer or something. Hell, I don’t know how praying and stuff is supposed to work...”

Oh, my heart can’t take much more of this... I wanna hug him, I wanna cuddle!!

“I guess I’ll try and sleep again. You’re going to be mad in the morning if I look more tired than I did yesterday.” Bucky leans over carefully and kisses the top of my head, whispers I love you before settling in behind me and gently wrapping his arms around my waist. 

Like hell I’m leaving this place ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	22. Chapter 22

“Lena, Lena-! Wake up!” A voice echoes in the darkness, causing Gil’s sneering face to dissipate but the eyes of the sharp man stay gleaming in the darkness behind my eyes.  
  
My body jerks up, eyes wide open but unseeing. The only thing I can hear over the sound of my panting is the blood rushing through my veins as fast as it can. Something brushes my shoulder and I immediately knock it back, lashing out with my hands.  
  
“NO! Go away, go away, _go away..._!” I kick back on the mattress, my back slamming painfully into the wall.  I curl up into a tight ball, as if Gil wouldn’t-couldn't- still hurt me like that. No, no, no, no... No more Gil... Don’t want it... Go away... Stop...

“Lena, please!”

“No, no, no, no, no...”  
  
“LENA!” I freeze at the shout of my name, Gil never knew my name...

After a few silent moments I lift my head, looking ahead of me with blurred vision. Out of the darkness forms broad shoulders, messy hair and familiar blue eyes.

...Bucky...  
  
“Lena, I need you to slow you’re breathing before you pass out.” His eyes are locked on mine, hands raised in the air as if to make sure I know he wouldn’t hurt me. “You’re hyperventilating, doll, you need to slow down. I don’t have a bag, can you follow me?” My wide eyes stay on him as I try to match my breathing with the rise and fall of his shoulders. It takes a while before I am anywhere near as relaxed with my breathing as he is but as I slow down I do start to feel a bit better, my head clearing up.  
  
“...Bucky...?”  
  
“Hey, Lena. Everything’s okay, you’re safe I swear...” As my eyes adjust to the dim lighting I can start to make out cuts on Bucky’s arms and cheeks.  
  
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, sorry...” I lean towards him, sobbing as I repeat again and again how sorry I am. Carefully he pulls me close, softly murmuring something. “I- Bucky, I- I- I-”  
  
“Shh, Lena, I’ve got you. It’s alright, everything’s alright.”  
  
“I’m s-sorry... didn’t-didn’t mean... h-h-hurt you!” I mutter into his chest, even as I’m trying to talk my nails are digging into his back.  
  
“Lena, I’m fine. Shh, relax...” I nod, trying to match my breathing again, focusing on the sound of his heart beating under my ear.  
  
“I’m sorry Bucky.”  
  
“I forgive you so you can stop apologizing. I’m alright. Go back to sleep, I’ll be right here. Nothing is going to hurt you...”  
  
“Bucky, I’m... I’m...”  
  
“Shh, Lena.” I give up, the tension escaping my body as I press closer into Bucky’s chest.

~~~~~

The next few weeks are hard to say the least. I wake up most every night with nightmares, Bucky’s got scratches and bruises from where I would lash out and he would just take it. I tell him to just restrain me, to hold me down until I calm down but he refuses, believing that he deserves it for getting me into the situation to begin with.

Now I know how Bucky feels about sleep. Knowing that you’re going to hurt the person you love if you do, knowing that you’re going to get scared and see things, feel things, you’d rather not makes going to sleep incredibly difficult even when you’re tired enough to pass out.  
  
But, comparing my five or six days of pain to his seventy years isn’t fair, not even a little. And with determination I start to get better. I can see the effects my nightmares and this whole situation has had on Bucky, physically and emotionally. He blames himself for everything and I can’t let him keep doing that.  It's going to be a while before I'm back to normal but now is as good a time as any to start.  
  
“Bucky, do you want to come with me to the store? I need some berries for the shortcake...” He gives me a wary look. This will be the first time I’m leaving the house since it all happened. And I know it’s going to be hard, I’m not dumb enough to think that everything will go back to normal. But I’ve got to do this, for both of us.  
  
Bucky puts on his usual jacket, ball cap and gloves before offering me his arm. I gratefully accept and take a deep breath. Everything is going to be fine... probably...  
  
The walk to the store isn’t so bad, Bucky makes sure to take the most out of the way route just so there aren’t as many people. He keeps up a constant stream of chitchat which does wonders for my nerves... Whoever says Bucky isn’t the sweetest gentleman alive needs to be educated.  
  
My heart starts to race when we reach the store and more than four people are there. None of them are even paying attention to us, but that hardly matters. I just don’t know them, can’t trust them, don’t want them behind me or near my elbows... Those stupid needles in my elbow, I can still feel the pain in my nightmares...  
  
I’m browsing over the berries when someone bumps into me from behind. Every muscle in my body tenses uncomfortably, heart threatening to beat out of my chest as I drop the carton of raspberries. My entire body feels like its slowly freezing, ears ring as everything gets so _very_ loud.  A metallic taste floods my mouth and I can’t move my hands or legs willingly, they just shake as I stand here.  Bucky glares at whoever it was before wrapping and arm around my shoulder.  
  
“You’re going to be fine, Lena.  No one is going to hurt you, I'll keep you safe...” His whisper stirs my hair as he leans close to my ear and I nod, trying to steady my erratic heart beat. With shaky hands I pick up the carton again and mutter that I’ve got what I need. We head to the checkout counter as fast as possible, neither of us wanting to be here anymore. Someone grabs my upper arm and says something softly behind me and I shoot forward, slamming my back into the counter and face an elderly lady holding out my wallet.

God, I’m such an idiot, I said I wasn’t going to do this...!

Bucky takes it, hopefully thanking her, before tossing more than enough money on the counter and pulling me out. Once in a side alley he pulls me into his arms.  
  
“I’m sorry...” My voice is breathless like I just ran a marathon and didn’t overact to a kind elderly lady.  
  
“You got nothing to be sorry for, doll.”  
  
“I’ll be okay after a few more trips. I’ll be okay.” I nod to myself and Bucky pulls back to look me in the eyes.  
  
“You don’t need to be okay, not ever. Something awful happened to you and you’re never going to forget it. And you can try and act like it never happened but you’ll always remember it in the back of your mind. You can’t completely go back to who you were and that’s perfectly acceptable. Do you hear me, Lena?” Bucky’s voice is gentle and infinitely caring. I nod and give him a tearful smile.  
  
“You’re one to talk. You don’t have to go back to being Sargent James Barnes of the 107th. You’re Bucky, my Bucky, and I love you to bits just the way you are.” Bucky pauses momentarily at my words before shaking his head.  
  
“But I don’t want to be the Winter Soldier...”  
  
“Who says it’s one or the other? You’re Bucky. You lived through World War II, seventy years of Hydra crap, and are currently the nicest person known to little ole me. It’s all a part of the Bucky I know. The outdated manners that should never have gone out of style, the metal arm, the nightmares, the drive to know and the need to be something good. How about we both be a little broken together?” I smile up at him and he grins down at me.  
  
“The nicest, huh?”  
  
“Yeah, cross my heart.” The smile he gives me is enough to forget everything that’s troubling me.  
  
“And my manners?”  
  
“Have you seen any other guys opening doors for girls, or standing up when they leave the table, or escorting them through rough parts of town? You, my dear Bucky, are a gift. If only the rest of the men would start taking lessons...” Bucky has a good laugh over that.  
  
“Maybe they should take lessons from Steve, he’d probably be a better influence.” I shrug like it wouldn’t matter, because it wouldn’t. If you got to know Bucky then you could never think of him as a truly bad influence. Sure, he might get you to eat ice cream sundaes for breakfast or go out to get movies and watch them until five in the morning, but that’s not **that** bad... I really rather enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any grammar and spelling mistakes. I got no sleep last night, the smoke detector in this hotel kept going off for no reason most of last night... -_- Trying to do last minute editing was not working out well this morning...
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you guys for all the kudos and comments, they really do mean a lot. :) I hope you all enjoy this next section.

“Hey, come on a walk with me, Bucky. It’s nice out...”  
  
“Doll, it’s a Saturday. It’s going to be busy out on the streets.”

“I- I know... but let’s go. I’ll have you with me, I’ll be fine. I wanna look around the city, the older parts.”

With a sigh Bucky shrugs, putting on his jacket and gloves before we both walk out. Just like he said it’s pretty busy out, people milling about in the sun, tourists enjoying the sights, some of the locals laughing at them.

Despite the nerves and anxiety from being out and about surrounded by people, I enjoy the older sections of the city, the uneven cobble stones, the old churches and cathedrals. The faint smell of cigarettes and fresh bread on the slightly chilly March air.  
  
“Hey Bucky, do you think you’ll ever go see Captain America?” I ask as we pass a newspaper with a report the Avengers doing some new world saving feet.  
  
“Steve? I don’t know... I’m not sure I really deserve it. I mean, I remember that he was my friend, that we went through a lot together, but it’s just small things and general feelings. Like a big blurry picture with a few clear facets. What if I’m not who he remembers? The only reason he stopped fighting me was because of who I had been. If he realized that I’m not that Bucky anymore maybe he’ll take you away from me or lock me away or kill me...”  
  
“That doesn’t sound like the man on the news, Bucky...”  
  
“That’s just it, I can’t remember who he really was. I remember he was a good man, a good soldier and great friend, family, but I can’t remember what he did to get those titles. I don’t know, I feel like what I’m remembering is useless. What does it matter if he used to put newspaper in his shoes or that he used to spend days drawing when the inspiration hit? It’s not relevant...” I hug his arm tighter. He’s obviously thought a great deal about this...  
  
“Well, it doesn’t matter much. They’ve got their hands full with whatever they do these day. As long as they stay in New York and leave you with me I don’t care.” Bucky drops a kiss on the top of my head.  
  
“They’d have a hard time getting me away from you, doll.” I sigh at the sound of the last word.  
  
“I like it when you call me that...” I duck my face into his arm to hide my pink cheeks.  
  
“Doll?” I nod and he chuckles. “Well, that’s good because I like saying it to you.”  
  
As our peaceful walk goes on I realize that we really ought to do this more often. It’s relaxing and we aren’t cooped up in the house. How often does that happen? We come across an old playground and my eyes light up when I see the swing set.  
  
“Come here!” I pull on his arm and he laughs.  
  
“That’s for kids, you know.”  
  
“Who cares?” I sit down on the swing and Bucky moves behind me to give me a push. I giggle as I start to feel the wind whip my hair around. Once I’m done with my turn I make Bucky sit down. He’s a little less enthusiastic than I was but he gets a kick out of me trying to give him a push.  
  
When that proves unsuccessful we head over to the monkey bars. I’m small enough that if I keep my legs bent I can still use them, Bucky has no such hope. So instead he pulls himself on top of them and walks across with perfect balance. I mutter about him being a show off and our game of tag begins.  
  
Bucky is **really** good at tag.

He’s faster than me and it’s like he can predict what I’m going to do. My only advantage is that I’m tiny and can duck and wiggle my way through the crack, holes, and gaps in the playground equipment.

Eventually I just decide to stay in the middle of the bigger plastic pieces. I could just barely fit through the gap formed where it met another piece. Bucky calls foul play, muttering that it’s cheating if he couldn’t even reach me. Then it goes quiet. No more taunting, or pleading for me to come out, I can’t even hear him walking.

I peak through the crack to see if I could spot him and when I can’t, I slowly creep out. I glance around, wondering where the sneaky man went when suddenly I’m being grabbed from behind and thrown over a metal shoulder. I squeal and giggle as he bounces me around, all the while telling me I should have just stayed out in the open and gotten tagged. He finally drops me onto the grass, laughing along with me.  
  
“Well, I think it’s cheating to use your super stealthy techniques to get behind me.” He rolls his eyes with a smile of adoration painting his face.  
  
“Then I guess we are just going to have a rematch.” I nod, I will definitely win the next time we play. Then I sigh at the direction of my thoughts, what am I, five?  
  
My head rests on his outstretched arm as I watch the clouds in the sky, weaving grass distractedly. A quick glance at Bucky makes me smile. His eyes are closed, face peaceful as he lies in the sun. Even when a few local kids show up and start to play he’s relaxed.  
  
One of the girls, who could only be three of four years old, comes up to me with a fist full of flowers. She holds them out to and points to the grass I had been weaving together earlier. She talks and I smile, not understanding a word of it.  
  
“She wants you to make her a chain like that.” Bucky says as he sits up.  
  
“Sure, no problem. Sit here.” I pat the spot on the grass as I take the flowers. I slowly show her how I weave them before finishing the flower crown and placing it on her soft curls. Her eyes are glowing and I smile back at her. She says something excitedly before running off as fast as her chubby little legs could carry her.  
  
“She’s going to find more flowers so you can make more.” The translations from Bucky are much appreciated. Bucky takes one of the spare flowers and tucks it behind my ear before brushing his hands across my cheek. I smile at him before turning back when I hear the girl again.  
  
It’s not just one girl but five other including the first one, all different ages. They hold out flowers for me, all talking at once. Bucky translates everything with a smile, and I try and get everyone a crown done. They all watch enraptured, trying to learn how to do it. I tell Bucky to tell them to try and practice with grass while I finish the crowns.  
  
As the final crown gets done and placed on the last head I get many, many grass bracelets handed to me. I put them all on and act suitably amazed at their progress. Once everyone has been crowned, including one for myself, the girls and I dance around and take turns on the swings.  
  
Bucky is off playing tag with the boys and teaching them how to climb trees faster. All of them are shocked speechless when one particular girl pushes through the boys and climbs the tree faster than any of them. She sits on a branch, arms crossed over her chest, smiling smugly down at them. Bucky almost falls over laughing, pointing to the girl before saying something to the boys who all just look at their shoes.

A shrill cry draws both of our attention, the sound coming from a different tree.  Up in it's leaves is a little boy, desperately clinging to a branch as he sobs.  I glance around at the parents but none of them seem concerned.  Bucky slowly and calmly starts to talk with the boy, waiting until he was not crying before holding out his arms and I assume telling the boy to jump or let go.  After a tense moment he does just that, closing his eyes tight and untangling his arms from the branch.  

He lands in Bucky's arms, grasping his shirt tightly in his fists as he cries again.  For a moment Bucky looks at me frantically but I just smile and nod.  Carefully he brings his own arms up and holds the kid, rubbing tiny circles into the boys back.  

As the sun sets Bucky tells everyone that we have to go cook dinner. They all look sad but understand, laughing when they hear my stomach rumble. When they start to dissipate, the first girl waddles up to me and holds her hands up. My heart melts and I pick her up, settling her in my arms as she hugs my neck. She whispers something before patting my cheek.  
  
“What did she say?” I ask without turning to Bucky.  
  
“...That you remind her of her older sister who left.” Oh, my heart... I kiss the girls cheek and smile as bright as I can before setting her down. Bucky holds me close to his side as we walk back, both of us feeling better than we had in a long while.  
  
For obvious reasons we had to move, the safe house no longer being safe. While Bucky was fairly sure that none of the kidnappers remained, he wasn’t going to risk it. Luckily, since neither of us had a whole lot to begin with, moving was easy.  
  
It’s a similar place, still on the small side, although I get a bigger couch now. More counter space too, and that’s what really matters. One thing that I’ve got to get used to is the new sounds surrounding the place. We’re one the edge of the more modernized section of the city and the older parts of the city. It’s kind of easier to handle because it has less traffic sounds, less cars and people and such, but now there are many more dark alleys with sketchy people around just about every corner when the sun sets.  
  
Both Bucky and I are trying to work together through our nightmares. It’s worst when we both wake up from them at the same time. Both of us will be freaked out and we want to help each other but we are unable to move, even talk sometimes. And I still can’t get used to people behind me. Bucky had brushed up against my elbow the other day while I was cooking and I flipped, punching him in the gut...

It’s going to take some time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, here's the next chapter. The murder-bot that are briefly mentioned are Ultron and all that.
> 
> As always, thanks for everyone who's reading and for all the comments and kudos you guys leave. :)

There’s been a commotion going on in the world recently and the Avengers are involved, they usually are in big events these days. The news isn’t really loving them and their murder-bots. Evidently something was made by them that doesn’t quite want to follow what the Avengers do. As long as they stay away from Bucky and I, though, I don’t care much. I hope they stop it, don’t get me wrong, but ever since Bucky shared his fears of seeing Steve again I’ve been worried too.   
  
When all that started Bucky started training me again. He wants me to be comfortable holding my own against someone who’s armed, as well as fighting while armed, but I really don’t want to. I understand why Bucky does, he wants me to be safe because he knows that people who come after him and find out about me will try and get to him through me. And when he pleads with me, eyes going all puppy dog like, I can’t refuse.  
  
“Okay, take the gun-” He says but while he’s slightly distracted I use the same trick I had used on Jake’s ex-boyfriend what seems like a lifetime ago. Bucky is left without a gun and grinning at me. I give him a half smile back. “Now try and do it while I’m focused.” The gun gets passed from me to him and I try again, only to fail. I had a feeling it would only work once and only if he wasn’t completely ready. After an hour of trying I lean over, hands resting on my knees, shaking my head.  
  
“Can’t you just never leave?” I pant and he sighs in return, a frown starting to tug at his lips.  
  
“I’d love nothing more than to never leave. But I don’t usually get what I want, in fact, I almost never do. So if I do get taken or have to go, I want to know that you’ll be safe until I can get back, if I can get back at all.”  
  
“Dang, that turned depressing real quick...” My chest hurts at the thought of him never coming back.   
  
“Sorry, I-”  
  
“No, I... I understand. I get it, I do. Let’s keep going.” I’ve got to do something because if I don’t I’m going to start crying. After a few more attempts he pull out his knife, doing this flip-twirl thing with it first.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Do that again.”  
  
“This?” He twirls the knife again and I nod, kind of hating myself right now. It shouldn’t be that hot... It really shouldn’t... “Something wrong?” I press my lips into a line and shake my head slowly, willing myself not to blush. Bucky just shakes his own head and the lessons begin.

The knife is much harder for me to do. Luckily Bucky is quite skilled, so even when I mess up I don’t end up slicing my hand off. I plop onto the floor after the twentieth fail. Bucky looks sympathetic and moves to sit next to me.   
  
“I’m sorry... but I just can’t Bucky. I’ll keep practicing with you if you like, but I’m just not cut out for this...”  
  
“It’s okay, doll. I’m glad you at least can fight hand to hand decently. Worst case scenario you just run.”   
  
“Teach me that knife flip. Maybe I can scare them off.” Bucky laughs but takes out the knife, starting to teach me. Several cuts on my hands later I can twirl the knife, albeit not as fluidly as Bucky. It’s fun just to do though.   
  
Once I’ve had my fun Bucky starts the training again, just hand to hand. I still can’t hold a candle to him but at least I don’t get knocked on my butt as much anymore...  
  
I don’t know how many hours we spend training but eventually I fall onto the couch, too tired to move. We had both stripped down into light clothing. Bucky wearing a pair of sweats and me wearing a sports bra and shorts. We’re both sweaty but I’m dead, Bucky can at least still stand. I guess that’s the super soldier serum for you...   
  
“You gotta make dinner...” I say as Bucky brings me some water.   
  
“PB+J sandwiches it is.” I chuckle too tired to even laugh correctly.  
  
The sandwiches were good, the water was the best. And after eating we snuggle as has been or recent routine at night. Snuggling and Bucky teaching me the language. You’re not going to hear me complaining, I love snuggling and the learning is just an added bonus. I’ve been getting pretty good lately, not fluent but I can at least understand some of what people are saying...  
  
“Do we have any ice cream left?” He asks and I pause to think for a moment.  
  
“I think we ate the last of it a couple of days ago with the pie. You want some?”  
  
“Kinda... I don’t suppose you’d be up for a late night stroll, would you doll?”  
  
“Well, since you asked so nicely.” The soreness from training hasn’t set in yet so a stroll tonight is going to be better than a stroll tomorrow. I tease Bucky about his sweet tooth as we walk the familiar back alleys.   
  
“I don’t have a sweet tooth!”  
  
“Bucky, sweetie, you like cake, and pie, and pudding, and donuts, and ice cream, and hard candies, and baklava, and cookies, and brownies, and caramels, and Jell-O, and fudge, and cupcakes, and fruit-fluff, and I’ve seen you eat a few sugar cubes plain. You **have** a sweet tooth. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, you know.” I say with a big grin. He grumbles and bumps my shoulder with his as we walk.  
  
We head a little out of the way to go to a store that sell a bigger variety of ice cream, so Bucky can have his choice. He’s still adamant that he doesn’t have a sweet tooth but the second he sees the fifteen different flavors he’s gone. No one else would see this, to them he’s just looking at them normally. But I can see the light in his eyes, how his brow is raised, how his lips are softer than their usual hard line.  
  
Two containers of ice cream later we are walking home, my teasing back in full force. This might be the one I win!!  
  
“You know, Bucky, if you-” I suddenly run into his outstretched arm, shielding me from whatever is in front of us. I peek around and see four guys standing there, three of them wielding metal pipes, the fourth, who is leaning against a crate nonchalantly, has a gun. Two more guys come up behind us, one with a knife and other with a broken bottle.   
  
The man with the gun says something, standing up and waving the gun with a perfect shit-eating grin. Bucky says something back, his voice low and gravelly and it brings me back to the first time he showed up in my garage. He passes me the grocery bag as the leader points the gun at us. The others guys all laugh at whatever the leader said.  
  
“When he shoot’s get to the side of the alley and stay down.” Bucky says, his eyes never leaving the man with the gun. A shot rings through the narrow alley followed instantly by the sound of the bullet hitting metal. Bucky’s left hand is up, deflecting the shot. I lurch to the side and crouch down.  
  
The guys mob Bucky but it hardly matters. Bucky handles them with easy, not even breaking a sweat as he takes each one down. Each movement is efficient, not wasting energy or time. I can see now that he was really dumbing everything down for me when we trained. The leader must have gotten shaken after seeing his little gang get decimated. He franticly aims the gun at me and yells at Bucky.  
  
Bucky loses it, moving faster than before and grabs the gun in his left hand, crunching it into a lump of useless metal. He spits something out to the man now cowering in the corner before punching his lights out. He stands there for a moment, making sure everything is over before turning to where I am watching in awe.  
  
“You’re such a bad-ass...” I tell him as he pulls me up. Bucky stays silent, his eyes dark and far away.  
  
“No, the Winter Soldier is.”  
  
“Hold on, let me get this straight. Only the Winter Soldier is a bad-ass?” A hesitant nod. “Did Sargent James Barnes not survive World War II and then some?”   
  
“Technically-”   
  
“He did. And he didn’t just survive, he was in some elite combat unit, right? That’s pretty bad-ass. More so, I think, than the Winter Soldier. And since Bucky is both, that makes you the ultimate bad-ass.”  
  
“Lena-”  
  
“And it’s a good thing too because otherwise we would have been toast. Shall we go eat our ice cream?” Bucky nods, offering me his arm like usual.   
  
I wish he thought more of himself, could see himself as I do, but I can understand why he doesn’t think he’s worth jack crap. He’s been sleeping better, the nightmares not as bad anymore, but they’re still there. He still has every single victim on his mind. Sometimes when we are relaxing he gets this dark look on his face, his eyes going back to the suffering shade of icy blue. Its times like those that I use every ounce of my strength to pull him back into the good world he made it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	25. Chapter 25

That night I am woken up to burning pain in my lungs. My eyes snap open to see Bucky over me, both hands around my neck. Every instinct in my body says fight, adrenaline already pumping through my veins.  
  
“Bu-cky-” I choke out, reaching up to touch his face. He’s saying something in Russian maybe, definitely not English, his eyes completely glazed over and hard as ice. My body starts to jerk, fighting uncontrollably to get oxygen. I try and say his name again but I can’t, there’s no way...  
  
Black creeps around the edges of my vision, darkening the world around me slowly. My hands jolt as my body jerks but I manage to keep them on his face, gently holding him. I wipe the tears away from his eyes even as mine start to close.  
  
He must have let go because I wake up, seemingly seconds later, gasping and coughing. While they each might be helpful on their own, when both happen at the same time they are slightly less than productive.  
  
Bucky is panting over me, eyes looking more hurt than they had before and ten times angrier, although this time the anger is directed at himself. He starts to fall back, to run away but I reach up and take his face between my shaking hands again, smiling gently up at my Bucky.

As I catch my breath I pull him closer. Bucky’s head rests against my sternum as his body collapses on mine, his hands gripping fistfuls of the quilt at my sides. My hands brushing through his hair slowly while we both calm down.  
  
“It’s okay, Bucky...” I say when I can speak again but he shakes his head, angry tears starting to soak my t-shirt. “Yes, it is. You stopped, I’m fine, I forgive you. Everything is going to be okay, but I need you to stay here, alright? You can’t leave me...”  
  
“I don’t deserve you...” I shake my head firmly, refusing to believe one word of that. He deserves a lot more than me... “I don’t mean to hurt you, I swear I don’t. I don’t Lena, I really don’t. You have to believe me.” Bucky whimpers and this time I nod.  
  
“I know that, Bucky, I know. You know I love you, right?”  
  
A hesitant nod.  
  
“You know that, right Bucky?” I repeat, not content with a halfhearted agreement.  
  
He nods decisively this time.  
  
“You know that I forgive you?”  
  
“But-”  
  
“I forgive you, Bucky. Okay?”  
  
A nod accompanied by a muffled and watery sob. My heart clenches as I continue to drag my fingers through his sweaty hair. After a few moments I keep going, not done for tonight.  
  
“Now, I need you to forgive yourself. Can you do that for me?” I keep my voice infinitely gentle, continuing to trail my hands slowly through his hair.  
  
He shakes his head vehemently.  
  
“I don’t deserve that kind of forgiveness, not after everything that’s happened. You don’t understand Lena, you don’t know what I’ve done.” I take a deep breath and chomp down on my lower lip for a quick second.  
  
“So tell me-”  
  
**“NO!!”** He shouts, absolutely frantic. Bucky leans up, staring at me with wide and frightened eyes. “I would _**never** _ do that to you! Then you’d know, you’d be able to see what everyone else does… a monster, a weapon. You’d definitely hate me! You’d leave, I don’t want you to leave, I need you!” He’s not thinking straight anymore, he’s tired and scared, looking every part a frighten child. Bucky keeps talking, his voice too high and tight, unhinged and uneven. As he goes on he starts hyperventilating, just adding to the stress his body is desperately trying to contain. “Then you’d have nightmares, you’d see the blood running down the streets from the piles of bodies. You’d see the innocent people that I killed, the families that I ruined. You’d hear their screams, see the terror in their eyes as they died. You’d-”  
  
“Bucky-”  
  
“No, I can’t- I can’t! You’re all I have...” He whispers, face crumpling into tears again.  
  
“Listen to me, Bucky.” I reach up and once again cradle his face in my hands. “I could never hate you. I could never leave you, not for one second. I think...” I pause, trying to carefully choose my words. “I think it would be good if you told me, told someone... Keeping it all inside, dwelling on it all by yourself, it isn’t good for you. I won’t hate you, I won’t get frightened and run away. I promise.”  
  
“You can’t promise that, you don’t know the awful things I’ve done...”  
  
“I **can** promise that. Do you want to know why?” Bucky pauses for a moment before nodding. “Because I know it wasn’t you doing it, I know you’re a good man. And I know that I love you more than **anything** in the whole world. Nothing is ever going to change that.”  
  
“Lena...” Bucky’s voice shakes and I nod, smiling gently.  
  
“Please tell me, Bucky. Please let me help...” With a strangled sigh he rests his head back on my chest and once again collapses to cover me. After a deep breath he slowly starts to tell me each and every mission he went on, voice solemn and soft.  
  
I bite my lip hard to keep the sobs in, letting the tears fall silently down my cheeks, working hard to keep my breathing steady. Not because I’m afraid or angry, but because it is so damn heart breaking.

He’d killed innocent and guilty people alike, all under the orders of Hydra. But what broke my heart most was that Bucky remembered all the details. What emotion filled the victim’s eyes, their last words, what they smelled like, what they had been doing beforehand, whether or not they cried out for help, whether or not they fought back, how Winter Soldier killed each and every one down to the specifics like which ribs he shot or stabbed them through... That’s what tortures him in his dreams, the innocent people the Winter Soldier killed, the families that creature took loved ones from, the lives of great men and women that Hydra ended far too early.  
  
Bucky is sobbing by the end of it, his body shaking violently as he tells me of the kids in a family he had to kill because they saw what he did to their parents. Somewhere in the middle of his confessions his arms had wrapped around me, squeezing me painfully tight. When he’s done I take as deep breath as I can before leaning forwards, my lips brushing his sweaty forehead.  
  
“I forgive you, Bucky.” My voice is softer than a whisper and he chokes out a broken thank you. I rest my head back on my pillow and close my eyes, ready for some sleep. “Go to sleep Bucky, I’ll see you in the morning.”

~~~~~

I wake up as early as usual although not in the same place I remember crawling into last night. My eyes are sore as I open them and widen when I see Lena’s peaceful face inches from my own. Why am I way over here? What...?  
  
_She knows. You told her. You ruined everything, just like you always do._  
  
I told her what? Everything about last night is a bit hazy. We ate dinner after training, we got ice cream and were stopped by some gang of idiots on the way home, after more teasing about my sweet tooth we had both gone to bed. My eyes are drawn to the red marks on Lena’s neck, looking remarkably like hand prints.  
  
Realization hits me like a truck.  
  
Again.

I tried to kill her again.

Last night I came to as she was passing out, her neck held in the vice like grip of my hands. I tried to run, I didn’t trust myself around her, I never should have trusted myself but she stopped me from leaving. So many times I’ve woken up like this, me choking her, me holding a knife to her throat, me with my arm pulled back ready to smash her face in. And Lena did the same thing last night that she does every damn time.

She fucking smiled.  
  
And then... Fuck, then I told her, I told her everything. Oh God, what have I done?  
  
I gently roll off of her as I try and control my hyperventilation, landing silently on the floor before stumbling out to the fire escape and firmly shutting the door.  
  
_You ruined it, you ruined her. Now she has to suffer with the knowledge of what you’ve done._  
  
**“FUCK!”** My roaring voice echoes off the other buildings as I slam my normal fist into the metal railing. I ignore the pain as well as the bent railing. With a wordless shout I hit the bar a few more times.

I could kill myself for doing this to her, I could. I ruined the one good thing I had, I tarnished her. As if I hadn’t brought enough suffering into the world in my life, I had to give her nightmares as well as bruises.  
  
How could I do this? I might as well have thrown her out the door! She’s leaving me now, there’s no way for her to do anything else. No one could handle living with me after knowing all that. She’s made it this long because she didn’t know the details, she could fool herself into thinking I wasn’t that bad. Now she fucking knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what kind of a monster I am.  
  
_You lost her, you were always going to lose her. You lose everything. Your mind, your will, your humanity. You lost your family and friends, you lost Steve and now you lost Lena._  
  
A tiny voice in the back of my mind is reminding me that she promised not to run, she promised she loved me. I want to believe that voice, I want it to be true. If she promised then-  
  
_A promise like that, a promise that forgiving and kind, it doesn’t count when it’s made to a killer like you._  
  
That’s true of course. I can’t seriously hold her to a promise she made without knowing who I really was, what I had really done. Why did I have to open my damn mouth?! I had been doing so well with keeping it hidden, keeping it all inside so she’d never have to deal with it! What the fuck Barnes!?  
  
Once I’ve gotten the violent anger out of my system I open the door, glancing at where Lena is still sleeping on the couch. With a heavy sigh I sit at the table and look at my hands, the hands the fucking ruined everything again. I sit and I wait.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay you guys, here's the next chapter. Sorry that its short-ish and kinda filler-y but there were some loose ends that I wanted to tie up but that alone was not nearly enough for a whole chapter.
> 
> But with any luck the next chapter should be the start of the Civil War section!! If you haven't seen it first of all, why not? Secondly, go see it... it's good. But yeah, I've been working hard on it so hopefully I don't disappoint on the next chapters.

I wake up late in the morning. My eyes are sore, the weight of Bucky no longer there as I sit up. After I rub the sleep from my eyes I glance around the room, smiling when I see him sitting at the table. His arms are resting outstretched before him as he looks down at his hands thoughtfully. 

“Are you hungry?” Bucky’s head snaps over to me so fast his hair fans out, his blue eyes bright with fear. “Yes? No?”

“I... I, um... You-”

“I’m certainly hungry.”

“You’re not- after all that...”

“Oh no, I’m definitely hungry. I’m not much of anything else though, no. Did you eat already?”

“No, I... I didn’t...”

“You want some oatmeal?”

“...Yeah...” Bucky says with a sigh, his shoulders slumping. He mutter something about a last meal but I ignore it. This isn’t his last meal, not by a long shot. I smile as I walk around the couch before resting my hands on his shoulders and kissing his rough cheek. 

“Okie dokie, give me a few minutes.” With another sigh he nods, eyes wandering back to his hands. 

The oatmeal is off and cooking so I steal a peek at Bucky. He’s still just sitting there, still looking at his hands. I had a feeling he’d be a little darker after all that happened last night. The best thing to do, I think, would be to move on, act like normal. He’s expecting me to be shell-shocked, terrified, and hateful. Evidently when I promised last night that telling wasn’t going to change anything for me, he didn’t believe it. And, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting him to well and truly believe me. 

I’m gonna prove it though...

“Here you go.” I set a big bowl of oatmeal topped with berries in front of him with a glass of milk before going and dishing up my own. 

“Thank you, Lena.”

“No problem, 

“Um... about last night...”

“Did you sleep well? You didn’t get any of the blankets though, sorry. In my defense, you laid on top of me before I could snuggle them around you.”

“No- yeah, it was alright once I fell asleep. But... I mean, it was a lot to take in... I’d... I’d um, understand if you... um, wanted to... ah, l-l-leave.” The blue eyes stay downcast as he stutters, voice getting just a tad too tight as he goes on, his left hand clenched so hard around the spoon that’s it’s bent out of shape. I cover his hands with mine, ignoring the misshapen utensil and bruised knuckles. I now know what caused all the dents in the railing on the fire escape I saw as I cooked... I smile when he finally looks up.

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Well, I know that you... you promised you wouldn’t... But- but I can’t hold you to that, not after all I... all he... all we did...” I furrow my brows and he looks more worried than before at my change in expression.

“You most certainly will hold me to that promise. When I make a promise I intend to keep it. What’s the point of making them if I’m just going to break them or no one is going to hold me accountable?”

“It’s just that the circumstance’s when you made that promise-”

“I don’t plan on leaving, unless you want me gone?” His face pales and he frantically shakes his head. “Then it’s settled, I’m staying, you’re staying, everything is staying, we're all okay. Now eat before it gets cold.” I start to eat but Bucky doesn’t move a muscle, watching me with a strange look in his eyes. “What?”

“You’re amazing, you know that?” I grin over at him and lean across the table, quickly kissing the tip of his nose.

"You’re pretty amazing yourself.” Bucky finally smiles, just a tiny tug upwards but it’s enough for now. “But you really should start eating, it’s not going to be as good lukewarm.” I toss him a new spoon when I stand to get the brown sugar.

The rest of the breakfast is eaten in silence, both of us content to eat quietly. He helps with the dishes, standing close enough so his arm was always brushing mine. I have a feeling that we are going to spend most of the day cuddling and unwinding, and I’m so okay with that. He needs some time to cool down and accept that I know about his past with Hydra and I, well, I just like snuggling. 

As our snuggle-and-cuddle day went on I noticed the bruising around my neck began to show itself, the red starting to shift to purple. I’m debating whether or not I should try and cover it up with a scarf or something. Bucky wouldn’t have to see it then but he’s not stupid, he’d know exactly why I was wearing a scarf inside. I suppose I’ll just leave it as is and try not to draw attention to it.

After what is probably our third black and white film he turns to the side, a smile on his face, about to tell me something funny he remembered the other day. But just like I had thought, his smile falters when his eyes lock on my neck.

“What were you saying about Steve?” I ask, leaning down so he was looking at my eyes and not my neck. He reaches up slowly with his warm hand and matches his fingers over the marks.

“I’m sorry-”

“You said that already, sweetie, and I forgave you. Now, about Steve-” Before I can finish he hauls me into his arms, hugging my tightly for a solid minute before continuing his story about Steve and what he thought fondue meant. 

~~~~~

“Hey Lena?”

“Hmm?” I mumble, my face pressed into his hip as we lay in his bed. Well, I’m lying down, he’s sitting up doing something with his knives. 

“Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if I never broke into your garage?”

“No, not really. I imagine I’d still be at the clinic, trudging through each day like the last. Go to work, come home, Netflix something, sleep and go back to work. I don’t think you understand just how boring my life was before. The only things I ever did were with Jake, and most of the time if they were in public, like a club or anything, I had to be bribed or blackmailed into it.”

“But you never had dreamed of a house or a family or anything? Move up in your job?”

“No, I guess I didn’t...” Jeez, how did Jake ever put up with me and my boring self? “I was just... kinda apathetic about everything after I stopped singing and all. I mean, I’ve never been good at making friends or socializing and all that. I just stuck to side lines and went through the motions... What about you? Ever think what would be different if they never got you?” Bucky pauses for a moments, his body going absolutely motionless.

“Probably would have gone back home with Steve. He would’ve married Peggy, I would have... I guess I’m not sure what I would have done. When I was over there, I don’t think I gave much thought to what I’d do when it was over. There were some times I thought the war was never going to end.”

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t mean to dig up any unpleasantness.”

“No, it’s alright, doll. Just kinda feels like someone else’s life that I’m remembering. It’s a strange feeling.”

“Was there a reason you asked about what I would be doing?”

“Just curious.”

“Bucky...” I murmur, looking up at him. He’s lying.

“I... I had a dream. You had a nice house, with a front yard and a tree. I saw you walk out the front door with some guy, kids running around your legs. Looked like you belonged there is all. So I was just wondering if you had all that planned out and I ruined it...” I can hear the jealous undertones when he talks about the guy and I suppress my smile. As if I’d ever have anyone else other than the man right next to me.

“Nope. You definitely made everything better. This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. Hands down, nothing even comes close. Are you happy?” A tiny smile pulls at his mouth and he nods, tracing his cold fingers across my cheek before sliding them through my hair.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” He slides down, pressing his lips to mine in an instant. 

It’s not a hurried kiss, not frantic. It’s slow and soft, wonderful and warm. My fingers are tingling as I slide them over his shoulders and up his neck, earning a soft moan from Bucky when I gently tug on his hair. Shivers twist down my spine at the sound and I move that much closer. I flipping love kissing Bucky...

Several sweet kisses later he pulls back but tugs me against him, tucking me into his side like always. I smile into his shirt, snaking my arms around him as well. I wasn’t lying or exaggerating earlier. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. This is home, the only home I ever want. I don’t need a nice house or expensive car or a good job, I just need Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty. Long first chapter in the Civil War section, they're not all going to be this long but I wasn't quite sure where to split this one. Hopefully you all like it well enough.
> 
> On another note, my sister drew a picture of Lena (I rather like it) and I was wondering if any of you knew a way for me to put it up? I'm not the most technical person, I'm lucky I can work this site well enough to put chapters up.
> 
> Okay, enough talking. Enjoy. :)

The Avengers and Ultron made a flipping mess out of Sokovia. It’s almost been a year and the world is still reeling. Some people are angry about all the innocent people that died because the Avengers were there and I have to wonder what they thought was going to happen to everyone if the Avengers had let Ultron destroy the planet.

On the bright side, today is my birthday. Bucky is helping me make a plum cake. Something new, I thought, would be nice for a change of pace. Yesterday he helped me with the preparations for the big dinner we were having today so all I’d have to do is throw it together. I’m making chicken broccoli fettucine alfredo along with spicy bread sticks, three different dipping sauces for them, and zuppa toscana. Since I wanted the cake to be fresh I saved all the prep for that for today.

Bucky had just left to buy the plums, giving me time to get the dough ready. I think I hear the door open but since I’m hands deep in dough I just wait until Bucky gets over here.

“Did you get the plums? I’ve almost finished the dough-” I turn with a smile to Bucky.

It’s not Bucky, it’s **so** not Bucky.

My hands freeze in the dough, my eyes huge and locked onto the rather imposing form of Captain America all decked out in his stars and stripes outfit, the look completed with shield on his back. He’s looking at me with curious eyes.

“C-captain America...”

“You speak English?”

“... Yeah, I do...” I try and swallow past the lump in my throat but that’s easier said than done. “What-what are you d-doing h-here?” He moves forward and I hastily step back, snagging a rag and wiping my shaky hands clean. His eyes lock onto Bucky’s journal and he reaches for it. If I had any confidence in myself I’d stop him from grabbing it, after all, it’s just rude to read someone else’s journal after breaking into their house. But the man could probably literally punch me back to the U.S. so I stand back.

“Understood.” Who in the world is he talking to? I catch a movement out of the corner of my eyes and I turn to actually see Bucky this time. I’m not sure if I feel relief or more worry. Something bad is going on...

Bucky’s eyes stay locked on the back of our intruder, his body tense and ready for anything but he holds a hand out to me. I dash around the kitchen island to him, the captain turning when he sees me move. I huddle behind Bucky, my fists holding on tight to his jacket as I peek one eye around Bucky’s shoulder to look at the captain.

“Do you know me?” Captain America asks, a conflicted expression painting his face. Bucky pauses for a moment, picking what story he was going to tell. He sucks in a breath, tensing for a second before talking.

“You’re Steve, I read about you in a museum.” He nods to the pamphlet that was wedged into the pages of his journal. There’s another tense silence before a small sigh from Steve.

“I know you’re nervous, and you have plenty of reason to be.” I open my mouth to tell Steve that he’s wrong, that Bucky is good, but Bucky grabs my hand in his, keeping me quiet. “But you’re lying.”

“I wasn’t in Vienna, I don’t do that anymore.” Vienna? What happened in Vienna?

“Well, the people who think you did are coming here now and they’re not planning on taking you alive.” The blood drains from my face, freezing in my veins. They’re going to kill him? Bucky hears my gasp and tightens his grip again.

“That’s smart, good strategy.”

"Bucky, this is not the time to be praising their strategist, they are going to try and kill you! What if they succeed, what do I do without you?” I whisper to him, my voice angry and scared and worried and God knows how many other emotions.

“Buck...” Bucky gives Steve a tired look before turning to me.

“You stay back, get into the corner and stay low. Cover your ears and don’t interfere. When they’re gone, you try and run. Just like I taught you, just like when we were running from Hydra.” Bucky talks fast and I start to shake. This can’t be happening, this is my birthday, it’s supposed to be better than this!

“Bucky, I’m scared...” I push my way into his arms and he hugs me back tightly. For a moment, just a short moment, the tension drains from his body with a heavy sigh.

“I know you are and I’m sorry that I can’t stay here with you, doll, but...” He trails off with a sigh, unsure of what he could say to make it better so he settles for pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

“I love you, Bucky...” I whisper into his chest, hopefully quiet enough so that Steve doesn’t hear but from the sharp intake of breath off to the side I’m thinking he heard me anyways.

“I know that too, doll. And I love you just as much. Now go.” He lets me go and gently pushes me into the back corner of the room. I crouch down, tears already blurring my field of vision.

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight Buck...” Steve tries again but Bucky walks towards the entry way, his shoulders set, tugging off his gloves and staring at his metal hand. No, please no... Let this be a nightmare, let me wake up, please!

“It always ends in a fight.” His voice falters on the last word and my heart clenches.

“You pulled me from the river!” Did he? When? “Why?!” Bucky looks over at Steve with broken expression, his mouth making a line.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.” Then everything happens. Bucky and Captain America look to the windows as they get broken, bombs being thrown in. Captain America bashes his back with his shield, Bucky kicking the other over towards Steve. The captain thinks fast and covers it with his shield, giving Bucky a withering look.

Bucky grabs the mattress and shields me and him as another one goes off, then he sprints across the room and launches the table to block the doorway. People come through the windows and back door next, guns firing. I cover my ears and try not to scream.

“Buck, stop! You’re going to kill someone!” The captain grabs Bucky, only to have him slip from his grasp and slam him to the ground. The sound of wood being smashed echoes in the room and I peek farther around the debris to see Bucky’s fist through the floor and inch from Steve’s face.

“I’m not gonna kill anyone...” He pulls out a backpack and I have to wonder when he put that there. He tosses it out behind him before the gun fire starts again.

From what I manage to see, Captain America is trying to protect Bucky, while Bucky is literally just using him to help him escape. Pushing him at people and the like. I’d feel bad for Steve if everyone weren’t shooting at Bucky. His metal hand blocks more bullets being shot at him and he reaches for a cement block, smashing it into one of the guys before moving on. He takes one last look at me, pain evident in his eyes before smothering the emotion and heading out the door.

Once the fighting has left the stairwell I stand up. I look over at what had been my home. Everything is destroyed, the kitchen was in shambles, the dough spattered on the counter mixed with broken glass, the couch full of holes and covered in the settling dust. My grandma’s quilt is covered in debris and has several bullet holes.

_**Why?** _

Why couldn’t they leave us alone?

I grab the pictures out of the now smashed frame from our night at the festival, as they are the only things still relatively in one piece that I can still see. I carefully stick the pictures into a Ziploc bag, holding in the tears when I see how happy Bucky looked in them, and head for the back door. Men are still there and start yelling at me from a few floors below.

I can see the building next to this one, much lower, and on the roof I can see Bucky fighting someone in black. Then Captain America joins and some guy with wings shows up before they all go out of sight again.

Out of sight off the side of the building... He jumped! Off a tall building!! God, is he trying to give me a heart attack!?

My focus snaps back to where I am, the men holding guns aimed at me. I freeze, I’m sure looking the part of innocent shell shocked bystander but a few of the men that Bucky and Steve had taken out at the start were coming to, telling them that I was with the Winter Soldier.

They grab me and march me down the stairs and shove me into a car. The driver speeds off and I’m left in the back seat with at least four guns aimed at me. We get to an airport and I’m shuffled into a seat. The next two hours are spent trying not to vomit all over the guards with guns.

There’s a lot of fuss going on, and they put me to a different car after the flight, one with Steve, that guy with wings and the man in black who was fighting Bucky on the roof. They all scare the shit out of me. I still have pictures tucked safely away and I wrap in my arms tightly around myself and I look out the window. My mind goes a mile a minute as I think about where Bucky is and what’s happening to him.

“How long do you think you can keep him from me?” The man in black asks, his voice low and tinged with anger.

“He didn’t do it...” I whisper. “He was helping me get ready for today, cutting up chicken and broccoli, telling me about how he used to dance the nights away...” They all look at me, Steve looking at me like I was some kind of puzzle, the bird guy looking confused as to who I was, and the last man looking at me angrily.

“He killed my father with that bomb. He was there-”

“He wasn’t! He... He...” I start to hyperventilate, the adrenaline leaving my body finally. They’re gonna kill him, kill my Bucky. But he didn’t do anything!

“Calm down-” Steve starts but they stop suddenly and grab me from the car, yanking me into another. When we stop for good it’s at a rather large building and I get ushered in. When they finally let me go I see Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff among other people.

“Who this?” Mr. Stark asks as he walks up to me. I step back, my eyes wide with fear. The Avengers really did come for him...! Agents search me for weapons, again, before turning me back to face Mr. Stark. I’ve still got the pictures, they didn’t take those, didn’t even look at them...

“Lena Aurora Pella, 27 years old today. Reported missing two years ago by Jake Vask.” A female voice says from the man’s watch. Jake thought I went missing? God, I do miss him...

“Well, happy birthday! I’d throw you a party but with everything that’s going on even I think that would be in poor taste. So tinman kidnapped you and kept you for two years?” Tinman? Bucky? No, he didn’t kidnap me! I open my mouth to tell off the smug jerk but Captain America and the other guys are ushered into the room. I run over to him grabbing the hem of his shirt. I never got to ask...!

“Where’s Bu-” He cuts me off with a sharp look and I stop, realizing that if I well and truly connect myself I’m going to prison and I won’t be any help to Bucky there, if he’s even still alive... “Is he dead?” My voice shakes and the captain quickly shakes his head before walking over to Mr. Stark.

I wrap my arms tight around myself, trying to calm down. Bucky’s still alive, maybe I can convince them that he’s innocent, that he’s not the bad guy. I get lost in my mind until I hear someone say Bucky’s full name. I walk over to where Steve and the others are looking at a screen.

Oh no...

My chest tightens and I’m not sure I can breathe. I reach a hand out and it lands on Captain America’s back. Without thinking I grab onto a fistful of the fabric and try to stay upright. He glance at me curiously but then quickly looks back to the screen. Bucky is locked up in a ridiculously secure cage like an animal, his face deadpan as a man starts to question him.

“My name is Bucky.” His voice is back to rough and low. The voice that said he was so not happy and trying really hard to not snap. I listen to the interview and start to cry as quietly as I can, why can’t they just leave him alone? He wasn’t causing any trouble... I mop up the tears with my dirty sleeves, trying not to let the others see.

“Let him go, he didn’t do anything... He didn’t...” I whimper, more to myself than anything but Steve sighs in response, turning and giving me a sympathetic glance. “Don’t take him from me...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really rather hard to start but when I finally got going it was actually pretty easy to write. I'm pretty proud of it... :) 
> 
> Anywho, thanks to all the readers and to all the people still leaving lovely comments and kudos. :D

I should have seen this coming. It was bound to happen eventually… but a guy can dream, can’t he? I suppose I’m not exactly a normal guy, I guess I don’t get to dream... Either way I got lost in the happy hazy, spending more time with Lena and less out on missions. More time wandering the old section of town and playing at the park, less listening to the whispers of what’s happening in the shadows and silencing the ones pertaining to me.

At the slightest movement of my hand, an electric shock fires through the containment cell, my eyes snapping shut momentarily in order to keep silent. It’s quite the cage, I’ll give them that... Fucking annoying though.

Out of the corner of my eye I see what may be a flash of familiar long blonde hair. God I hope not... Please let Lena have gotten away. Realistically speaking she probably didn’t. If I got caught then there’s a slim chance she got away. But like I said, a guy can dream.

_They are going to hurt her. You can’t protect her, you could never protect her._

Shut up, they aren’t Hydra, they aren’t like that. Steve is there, he’s better than that... He knows what she means to me, at least a little bit. He’ll keep her safe, he’s a good guy, a hero.

_You are underestimating what these people are willing to do to get a monster like you to crack, to break. They’d kill her if they have to. Steve’ll tell them what she means to you and they’ll use it against you._

A wave of emotion crashes over me at the thought of Lena being killed. Rage, sorrow, guilt, **pain** flood my senses for a moment.

No! She’ll be fine, she... she might not even be here. Lena might be safe somewhere...

Steve, his friend and the cat guy step out of a car and I turn away to face ahead, sighing, another jolt of electricity pulsing painfully through my body. My fancy cage on wheels is moved away, down corridors and elevators then more corridors before settling me in a mostly empty, very secure looking cement room, a table and a person in front of me.

Some man in glasses stands there, hands clasped behind his back as he watches me. The box is plugged back in, the lights shining brightly and the shock pulsing once again. I suck in a slow, deep breath and meet the curious eyes behind the glasses.

He talks, asks me my name, what I’ve done, how I feel and so on. He keeps calling me James, it’s kinda bugging me. I’m not him, I’m not the good guy. I’m the leftovers of him, I’m the pieced together shards after he had be broken again and again and again.

“My name is Bucky.” I mutter, daring him with my eyes to call me James again. He raises an eyebrow and nods, eyes once again flickering to the screen on the table before him. He’s been doing that a lot... 

"Tell me, Bucky, you’ve seen a great deal, haven’t you?” I resist the urge to roll my eyes. If they are going to interrogate me or whatever this is supposed to be they could at least send someone who’s going to have a chance to get something from me.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“You feel that if you open your mouth the horrors might never stop.” I don’t have to open my mouth, they are always playing in my head, always reminding me of what I truly am. This man has no idea what I’ve done, what I’ve been subjected to. “That’s alright.” His tone changes ever so slightly when his eyes once again flash to the screen. “We only have to talk about one.”

What does he-

The light’s cut out, the room going dark apart from the flashing red light. I casually glance around, fairly sure that this isn’t typical. The shocks have stopped, I could break out of here now...

“What the hell is this?” I turn back to the man whose whole expression has changed.

“Why don’t we discuss your home? Not Romania, certainly not Brooklyn. No, I mean your **real** home.” He reaches for his bag and pulls something out, slowly holding it up for me to see. Even in the flickering hazard lights I can make out the cover of a terribly familiar red book, the star on the cover forever burned into my mind and etched on my arm.

I swallow hard, a feeling of dread settling in my gut. How did he get it? Why is he here with it? How did he get past everyone? Shit! I can’t lose it, I can’t let myself be controlled again. Lena might be here, Steve’s here, innocent people are here! I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t want to be a puppet!

“Желание.”

The word slices through my mind, cutting away at everything I have gained. It’s gonna happen, fuck, they’re gonna get me, hurt me, use me... _**again...**_

“...no...” My breaths come in short gasps, my head banging against the back of the seat. I shut my eyes, trying to fight, to focus. I start to shake, begging, pleading, demanding that he stop... but he’s not going to listen...

“Ржавый.”

Focus Barnes! Fight! Don’t give in, don’t let them take you away! You made a good home, you made a good life, don’t let them take it!

_You can’t fight it. You could never fight it._

Lena!

Focus on Lena, don’t let her go.

“Cемнадцать.”

Blue eyes. Dark blue eyes full of love and trust and hope. They damn near sparkle when she smiles, glinting when she teases me. Happy, gentle, kind eyes that I would do anything to keep tears and pain from. Loving eyes that have saved me time and again when I wake up with nightmares.

“Рассвет.”

I scream, pulling against the restrains, my body jerking in pain- agony- as my mind gets wiped again, as they pull me out and stuff **him** back in.

Long blonde hair framing the most adorable, the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. A bright, glittering smile, soft pink lips I could kiss all day. The small dimple in her right cheek that you can only see if she’s laughing.

Don’t let her go, don’t let them take her...

“Печь.”

Another blow to the mind, forcing more of me out and more of him in. A cold, hard, calculating mindset working its way into me, demanding to be in control. My metal arms breaks the steel bands keeping me prisoner, working to free the rest of me, to stop this man before it’s too late.

A tiny little body, so fragile in comparison to me, so delicate, fitting perfectly in my arms. A little ball of warmth tucked into my side as we watch movies. Soft, graceful hands trailing through my hair, stroking my cheeks, smoothing over my back, tracing the metal plates of my arm, calming me down, keeping me sane.

“девять.”

 **NO!** No, no, no, no... She’s fading, everything is fading!

I punch the glass, again and again. It has to break, I have to stop him. I don’t want to lose Lena, I don’t want to hurt good people, **_I don’t want to forget again!_**

“добросердечный.”

I can’t see the house any more, I can’t picture the room in my mind. Lena is fading out, blurring into the darkness as he pushes his way in, destroying all the goodness in his path. On the outside I’m beating the glass, screaming and shouting bloody murder. On the inside I’m shaking, I’m begging, I’m crying as I fall apart. I’m losing her...

**Focus!**

I can hear Lena’s laugh, her giggle when I tickle her sides. I can hear the content sigh she makes in her sleep when I pull her closer, the cute little moan she makes when she wakes up in the morning and stretches.

“Возвращение на родину.”

The glass, _the fucking glass!_ It just won’t break! It’s taking too long, he’s talking too fast...

No, no, no, no, no, no...

I can just barely make out the sound of her singing, humming quietly to herself. The soft notes ringing through my mind only to be swallowed up by the harsh Russian words then torn apart like everything else.

“один.”

So damn close, almost through the glass... A little more- fuck!- just a little more!! Please, _please...!_

I’m fighting for something, to remember something.

What is it?

What am I losing?

I can’t see anything, there’s nothing but cold darkness around me.

Who’s saying my name?

That voice, I know it, don’t I?

Soft and gentle and loving...

I know that voice.

Do I?

I don’t think so...

I... I can’t remember...

_**Everything is too dark!** _

“грузовой вагон.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah... Poor Bucky :( 
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TADA~! Okay, a new chapter might not be that exciting but I'm going to keep it anyways. :)
> 
> To be honest I'm not sure how far to take the Civil section. Obviously there is still quite a deal to cover... I suppose like most things to do with my story I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
> 
> Anywho, hope you all enjoy. A big thank you to the people still leaving lovely comments, I love hearing from you guys. Also thank you all for the kudos, makes me feel like I'm doing an okay job with all this. :D

“Hey! What- what’s going on? **Hey!!** ” I frantically pull at the captain’s sleeve, wiping the last of my tears on my own. He looks just as confused and worried as I do at the suddenly black screen in the dark room. “What are you doing to him?!”

“Sub level five, east wing.” The blonde lady says, Captain America and his friend take off sprinting.

What the hell is happening?!

After a short moment of hesitation I dash off after them. They’re faster than me, a lot faster, but I catch glimpses of them turning the corners as I sprint, the adrenaline already running through my veins. Every worst case scenario is playing through my mind, all the different way they could permanently take Bucky away from me.

I can’t even tell you where we are anymore, there have been far too many twists and turns, too many stairs and corridors that all look the same. My adrenaline fueled muscles are starting to protest, and to make things even better, I have well and truly lost sight of the guys.

When I reach the end of the current corridor I stop, leaning against the wall for a moment, trying to catch my breath. I’m never going to find them or Bucky in this maze... They’re going to hurt him or kill him and I’ll be sitting here being **fucking useless!!** I slam my fist against the wall, ignoring the biting pain. Angry tears escape from the gathering pools in my eyes only to be hastily scrubbed away.

I have to try, I can’t just sit here and let this happen. He would go through hell and back to get to me, I certainly won’t do any less. A deep breath later I am off running again, listening carefully for any sound echoing through the halls. At the sound of gunshots my heart beats faster, my legs work harder. Only a few short seconds later do the shots stop, leaving me once again stranded in this maze.

“Well, they were coming form over there-ish...” I pant breathlessly to myself, eyes flashing between the two different halls I could choose. With a grimace I duck down the hall to the right, making the next corner as fast as I could.

Not even a step later do I barrel into a solid body. My disorientation at the sudden stop is only amplified as I get spun and shoved into the wall by an iron grip. When my eyes finally cooperate I can see the metal hand crushing my neck.

“Bucky!?” The spark of hope is extinguished not even seconds later when I meet his glazed over and cold eyes.

Oh God...

He’s not Bucky.

He’s the Winter Soldier.

They got to him, they put his mind through the blender again...!

I desperately try and choke out his name again, try to fight. But it hurts too much; my neck, my lungs, every muscle in my body, my heart... they all hurt so bad. He must have been so scared when they did this to him again after being free for so long, so angry that he couldn’t stop it. And I couldn’t do anything to save him. He’s saved me so many times, from all kinds of things, but when he needed me most I couldn’t do anything...

So now I do the only thing I can do.

I smile.

A dim flicker lights in his eyes, just a tiny spark in the hard blue.

He drops me, my body collapsing in a coughing heap at his feet. Above me he is staring at his hand in confusion, eyes flickering to me and back. My Bucky’s in there, he’s fighting...

With a growl he grabs a fist full of my shirt and yanks me up, slamming me back into the wall. At least this time he’s gripping my shoulders and not my neck...

“I can’t hurt you...!” He hisses violently, face just inches away from my own, the fury in his eyes causing my breath to lodge in my already sore throat. Bucky may be fighting but it doesn’t mean he’s got the Soldier beat... “I need you, why?” The next phrase morphs from a hiss into a snarl, his tone confused, pissed off, and no small part disgusted. I’ll try not to take that to heart...

“Because-” I’m cut off by frantic shouting echoing down the many corridors. He growls low in his throat, pulling back but keeping his grip on me. Without further ado he pulls me along at his brisk pace, effortlessly making his way through the various corridors.

We end up back on the ground level, the Soldier dispatching everyone we met on the way there easily with just his metal arm. He shoves me off to the side, snarling at me to stay as he turns at takes out a group of four of five guys. At any other time I would have given an indignant huff at being talked to like a dog, but under the circumstances I think I’ll just listen.

Tables and chairs are getting destroyed left and right, not that the Soldier cares. A flash of movement draws my gaze, my eyes landing on Mr. Stark as he peeks out from around a corner.

“Bucky, look-”

Once again I’m cut off, Mr. Stark’s glove thing making a painful sound ring through the air. As if that wasn’t enough it also shines a blinding flash of light for just a moment, stunning the Soldier for an equally short amount of time. A few punches later and Mr. Stark is collapsed on the ground.

The blonde from earlier tries her luck next, lasting about as long as Mr. Stark. I wince as she’s smashed through a table, he’s really not holding anything back. He’s different in that regard from Bucky, well that among other things. Every attack is meant to seriously injure or kill, no movement is wasted. Even when Bucky’s angry he’ll hold back if he’s just facing drunks or some other untrained idiot. But the Soldier is treating everyone like an equal threat.

Ms. Romanoff goes after him not even seconds after the other woman is through the table. She’s closer to his level than the other two but she’s still a long ways off. Soon he’s got her pinned to the table, hand enclosing her throat. Just as I’m about to intervene the man from earlier, the one who thinks that Bucky killed his father, knocks the Soldier away.

They fight, the man keeping up with the Soldiers attacks and successfully making his own. I timidly follow after, watching as they fight on the stairs and unsuccessfully holding in my yelp as Bucky is kicked over the railing.

His cold eyes snap to me, his hand reaching out and clamping down onto my wrist. With that we are off and running. Well, I’m more stumbling as I try and keep pace with the super soldier while he holds my arms awkwardly.

“Where are we going?”

“Helicopter.” He mutters, slamming people into the walls as we go. I’m tempted to ask more, to try and talk him down but when I open my mouth again he glares at me. It snaps shut in an instant.

Sure enough on the roof there is a helicopter, not that I was doubting the Soldier. He opens the door and pushes me in instead of throwing me, trying, I think, to be gentle. One look at all the straps and I know I’m never getting in them all. He starts flipping switches and pushing buttons, the blades above us starting to spin faster and faster. My hands are in a death grip on my knees, absolutely hating flying, but hating the fact that I don’t even have a seat belt even more. 

The helicopter lurches to the side and I cry out, one hand slamming against the window the other landing on the Soldier’s arm. He shoots me a glare before switching to watch Steve as he literally holds the helicopter in place. How strong is that guy?! Bucky growls, slamming the joysticks in the other direction, trying to squish Steve. I scream again, my stomach just about ready to empty all over the place.

Everything is calm for a moment before he smashes through the window with his metal arm, choking the captain. I reach out a hand to touch him but think better of it.

“Stop-” Before I can even finish my sentence we’re moving again, this time over the edge. My eye go wide and I scream, a very real and very terrified scream. The Soldier let’s go of Steve, eyes flashing over to me. He yanks me from my seat, pulling me into his chest. His normal hand braces my neck as his metal hand splays over my head, protecting me from any bumps and flying debris.

The feeling of falling is the absolute worst. My stomach has long since dropped to my toes, my heart beating in my throat. But as much as falling sucks, the jolt when we hit the water might almost be worse. Bucky’s head cracks against the glass of the helicopter window, knocking him out. I scream his name in the water, thoughtlessly wasting my oxygen before snapping my mouth shut and pushing him out of the broken aircraft.

Steve grabs him, pulling him up as I quickly paddle to the surface, my lungs desperate for air. Coughing echoes over the rippling water as I try and expel the foreign substance from my lungs, simultaneously trying to swim to where Captain America is dragging an unconscious Bucky away.

“Leave him alone!” I scream, my voice hoarse, the coughs and pants making it sound way less angry and threatening than I had hoped for.

“I’m not going to hurt him, he’s my friend.”

“This is all your guys’ fault! He was fine, he was happy!! Do you hear me? **He was happy!** He didn’t do anything but you ruined it, ruined everything... Why can’t you people leave him alone!?” Captain America opens his mouth to say something but just shakes his head and continues to drag Bucky away. “Where are you taking him?” I demand as I stumble after him.

“We’ve got to get out of here before they find us, I need to know what happened in that cell. You need to get out of here before you get hurt.”

“Fat chance, Captain America, I’m not letting Bucky out of my sight.” I glare up at the man who frowns right back at me. He shakes his head again and keeps walking, letting me tag along for now.

“You can call me Steve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said not all the chapters were going to be as long as that first one but evidently I'm bad at dividing them up, so here you go! Another long-ish one. :)

We meet up with the man from earlier and he looks at me like he can’t believe I’m there after all that’s happened.

“Who the hell is this, anyways?” He asks and Steve shrugs, getting Bucky into the backseat of an old car.

“Lena Pella.”

“And you’re here because...?”

“Because Bucky needs me. And so help me God, if you hurt him any more I’ll make you regret it.” I glare up at the man, and he raises an eyebrow skeptically. My frown deepens and I move quickly, just like Bucky taught me, jamming my fist into his gut.

“What the hell?!” He sputters out and I cross my arms over my chest, raising an eyebrow back at him. Steve sighs, a small smile on his face.

“You did kinda ask for that, Sam.” Sam grumbles but moves on, not trying to retaliate. I wiggle my way into the back with Bucky and sigh. We ride in silence for the most part, I spend most of the time trying to keep Bucky upright and not let him slam his head into anything else.

I don’t know where we end up but eventually Steve turns off the road and drives up to some building, hopefully an abandon one. With working tap would be nice, I’ve gotta clean Bucky up. It’s been a while since I’ve had to do that now that I think about it...

We all get out of the tiny car that visibly shifts when we all stand. I guess two super soldiers, a normal guy and a very tired tiny woman weigh enough to make the poor car dip significantly.

They take Bucky inside and I follow close behind, making sure they don’t mess him up any more. They set him down before moving his metal arm up and into a machine thing.

“What are you-” The sound of the machine coming to life cuts me off and they move it down until it’s clamped down on his metal arm. “What are you doing?! Stop it!”

“He might not hurt you when he’s the Winter Soldier but the rest of us aren’t so lucky. I need to know he’s the real Bucky before letting him go.” My mouth hangs open as he talks, his words not registering in my head.

“Besides, it’s a metal arm, it’s not like it’ll hurt him.” Sam says like I’m an idiot and forgot that.

“He can feel pressure, you moron! How do you think he uses a gun without squishing it to pieces when he pulls the trigger? And it’s his arm, it’s firmly connected to the rest of his body. If he’s still the Winter Soldier or the programming has been broken when he wakes up, he’s going to try and get free in a hurry, because he’s going to be confused and scared. He’s going to tear it off on accident. That will most definitely hurt!” This gives them pause but they just shrug.

“It’s not tight enough to damage the arm, just enough to have him stay put. It’ll be fine.” Steve say but his eyes flash to the arm. He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than anything.

I shake my head and move forward, towards where Bucky is sitting unconscious. Steve grabs my elbow and I hold in the fear and nausea, resisting the urge to turn and punch him. I still don’t like other people touching my elbows... Gil’s sneering face flashes behind my eyes and my heart beats that much harder.

“You need to stay back and out of sight.”

“Why the heck would I do that?”

“Like I said, I need to know which Bucky I’m talking to and I need to know what that psychologist wanted from him so desperately that he had to bomb the UN dressed as Bucky. It’s not a request. Either you go behind the wall voluntarily and wait or I’ll restrain you.” I grumble, about to tell Steve what for, but a soft moan from Bucky stops me short. “You’re choice.” I sigh and run around the corner and press my back tight against the wall.

Bucky groans as he wakes up, Steve and Sam silent as they wait.

“... Steve...” Bucky lets out a soft huff and another groan.

“Which Bucky am I talking to?” The real one you idiot, can’t you hear it in his voice?

“You’re mom’s name was Sarah. ...You used to wear newspapers in your shoes.” He says with a tired chuckle and I smile. I guess that little memory wasn’t irrelevant after all.

“Can’t read that in a museum.”

“Just like that we’re supposed to be cool?” Sam say incredulously and I frown. I’m so close to stepping out and punching him again but Bucky’s voice stops me.

“What did I do?” He mutters with a sigh, guilt and worry starting to tinge the edges of his voice.

“Enough.” Was all Steve said and I’m grateful that he didn’t go into detail.

“Oh God, I knew this would happen. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there, all he had to do was say the Goddamn words... Lena, where-” My weight shifts from one leg to the other and back. I want so badly to run out and give him a hug, a smile, patch him up. Hurry up, Steve!

“Who was he?”

“Steve, tell me where Lena is!”

“She’s fine. Who was the fake doctor?”

“I don’t know.”

“People are dead. The bombing, the setup, the doctor did all that just to get ten minutes with you. I need you to do better than ‘I don’t know’.” Bucky pauses for a moment and I can picture his face in my mind as he tries to dig through his memories.

“He wanted to know about Siberia, where I was kept. He wanted to know exactly where.” A whisper soft whimper leaves my throat when he says kept. He shouldn’t have been kept anywhere! Those monsters ought to be- be...!

I can’t even finish the furious thought. I can’t think of something bad enough for them to go through as punishment for doing what they did to Bucky, to anyone. I’m not usually a violent person, in fact, I avoid confrontations most of the time. I don’t like see other’s, even bad guys, in pain or killed because I know that they have people in their lives who love them, who might not know about the bad stuff they do. But the Hydra monsters that did this to another human being... They’re in a class all their own and I hope they **_suffer._**

“Why would he need to know that?”

“Cause I’m not the only Winter Soldier.” My blood runs cold. They did this to other people? What-? I drop to my knees, hands covering my mouth in an attempt to stay silent.

How could they?

What was so wrong, so evil, so broken within them that allowed them to treat other humans like this, like puppets and weapons and **things?** How could such people come to exist? I can’t understand, can’t wrap my head around such a concept...

“Who are they?”

“Their most elite death squad.” If I weren’t so shocked right now I’d make a crack about that name. Death squad, how original... “More kills than anyone in Hydra history, and that was before the serum.”

“They all turn out like you?” Sam asks and I snap back to reality.

“Worse.”

“The doctor, could he control them?” If he couldn’t we wouldn’t be here, now would we Steve? God, I need some sleep. I’m getting snarky...

“Enough.”

“He said he wanted to see an empire fall.”

“With these guys he could do it. They speak thirty languages, they can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize. They can take a whole country down in one night and you’d never see them coming.” Today is just going from bad to worse, for Pete’s sake! Can’t we catch a break?!

The sound of the machine moving again pulls me to my feet and I am nearly bouncing as I wait for Steve to say it’s alright for me to come out. After all, he got what he said he needed.

“You can-” I don’t bother waiting for him to finish. I race around the corner and straight to Bucky, my knees scraping on the floor when I reach him. My arms wrap around his waist and I bury my head in his shoulder. The smell of river water, sweat and blood don’t exactly make a nice combination but I hardly care.

“Bucky!”

“Lena? What are you...? Never mind, I don’t care. Get up here.” He pulls me up into his lap and hugs me back. I move my arms to around his neck and sigh. “Thank God you’re safe...!” He exclaims quietly into my neck, holding me tight against his chest.  "I was so worried.  I tried to fight it, I swear I did!  But I couldn't do it...  Ah fuck, I hurt you again!"  He must see the starts of the bruising on my neck.  Bucky start's to pull back, unwrapping his arms from around me.  "I'm so sorry-"

“Shut up and hold me!"  I mutter, pushing my way back and holding onto fistfuls of his shirt.  "How dare you do this to me, Bucky?!” I say, a small sob mixed with a sad chuckle somehow making it’s way out of my closed off throat. “It’s my birthday, it’s supposed to be better than this. You not allowed to get framed and shot at and arrested and brain washed on my birthday. Do you know how worried **I** was?”

“What do you want me to say, doll?” Bucky asks gently, breath fanning out over my neck before he starts kissing it with a soft passion. His hands are pressing and sliding against every inch of me he can reach, making sure I’m all there and safe.

“I don’t know, how about ‘I’m sorry I took ten years of your Goddamn life, Lena! It won’t happen again!’? That would be a nice start...” My voice cracks and I stop talking, focusing on not having a mental breakdown again now that he’s somewhat safe at the moment. Bucky’s answering soft laugh washes over me and takes some of the pent up tension from my muscles.

“I’m sorry I took ten years of your Goddamn life, Lena. It won’t happen again... probably...” I laugh through my tears and pull back to look him in the eyes.

“You added to it...”

“I know, doll. But in my previous line of work and with my history, people will always be coming for me. Hopefully not this successfully each time.” My eyes slide to the side of his head where blood is drying and frown. I dab at it with the edge of my sleeve and Bucky winces.

“Don’t do that.”

“Bucky, you’ve got to get it cleaned-”

“No, I meant don’t do that with your shirt. You’re going to ruin it.” I glance down at what had been my favorite long sleeve blouse. It was a light violet color, with silver patterns swirling over it. Now it’s covered in dirt, river water, some cuts from were glass from the helicopter sliced me with splotches of blood to match.

“I don’t think it’s going to get any worse, Bucky. And I don’t have a whole lot of options at this point.”

“True, I suppose. And I liked this one...” I raise an eyebrow and smile, waiting for an explanation. “You looked really good in it and it brought out the blue in your eyes. You usually can’t tell they’re blue, but when you wore this shirt the color seemed to stand out more.”

“Thanks.” I kiss his cheek before standing up. “Come on, there has to be a sink or something around here.” I tug him after me, and when I find a sink I smile. I poke a finger though one of the holes and pull on the fabric, ripping it off. Once I rinse it off I turn to Bucky and start to clean the various cuts and scrapes.

“Come on, guys. We’ve got a lot to do and not that much time to do it.” I sigh, take Bucky’s hand, and walk over to Steve.

“What’s on the agenda?”

“Well, we’ve got to get cleaned up. Get some new clothes, some food, maybe try and take naps in the car while we drive. All of us could use the rest.”

“We won’t be able to just stroll in and get what we need, everyone is looking for us.”

“No, everyone is looking for Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. No one is looking for her.” All eyes move to me and I shrink back behind Bucky. I don’t like attention...

“I’m not dragging Lena into all this.” Bucky’s voice is firm, his hand tight around my own. “We’re dropping her off at a hotel or something.”

“But I can help if you need it, Bucky. You really could do with some clean clothes.” I wrinkle my nose and he sighs, a soft smile aimed down at me.

“It’s going to be dangerous-”

“But I’ve got you. You’ll keep me safe.” I nod up at him, my eyes full of trust.

“How you got a girl like that is beyond me...” Sam mutters as he opens the car door. “Shotgun.”

“We need a shotgun?” Bucky asks and Sam starts laughing, which really just pisses Bucky off.

“No, calling shotgun means he calls sitting in the front seat, the passenger seat. It means you’ve got to sit in back with me.” Bucky lets out a defeated sigh before motioning for me to get in first. It’s a tight fit back here, especially since to two men in front of us aren’t exactly small, there’s that much less room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* Like I said, I'm bad at dividing these things. Maybe all the chapters in this section will be long... Oh well! :)

After ten minutes in the car I demand that the windows be opened. It smells awful in here. Sweat and blood and old car and river water and wet socks. I nearly climb over Steve’s seat to stick my head out the window when it starts to crack open.

“A shower, add that to list. Put it at the top.” They chuckle like I’m not dead serious. “No, really. Find a dang truck stop or something. I’ll get you guy’s clothes but you all have to go wash up.”

“Yes, mother.”

“I don’t remember have such reckless and stinky kids.” I retort with a sharp look at the three men.

“Truck stop it is, but we’ve got to make one quick stop first.” I grumble but it’s not like there’s anything I can do to change Steve’s schedule. After ten more minutes we slow to a stop under an overpass behind another car. “I’ll be right back.”

Steve steps out and the blonde woman from before, who attacked Bucky, gets out of her car too, both of them going to the trunk.

“Can you move you seat up?” Bucky asks, all of us growing a little warm in the now stopped tiny car. Sam doesn’t even turn around to answer.

“No.” Okay, this is not going well!

“Here, switch with me Bucky. You can kinda sit sideways then and stretch out your legs a little.” I manage to twist myself so I’m balanced over him, trying hard to make sure I don’t knee or elbow him as I move. We are both in the middle of the seat and Bucky stops moving for a moment. I look up from my hand as I place it on the seat behind his head to look at his eyes.

“Why did you stop...” I trail off, a blush rising to my cheeks. A playful smile dances across his face as he glances at my chest, which is right in his face, then at my eyes, both his eyebrows raised high. “Sorry!” I fall to the other side, trying to stop my heart racing.

“I didn’t mind much...” His whisper in my ear as he leans over, voice low and husky, tinged with something I’m much too embarrassed to even think about. I shake my head and bite my lip.

“Like there’s so much to be impressed with...” I mutter and his smile only grows.

“I think you’re perfect.” The smile that tugs at my mouth is involuntary and even my biting teeth can’t stop it. Instead I look out the window at the suddenly very fascinating cement wall. When I hear a quite chuckle from both Sam and Bucky I turn to see Steve kissing the woman. Bucky’s got a proud grin on his face, nodding almost imperceptibly, and I can’t help but join in and grin. When Steve sees us he rolls his eyes and grabs the equipment from the trunk.

“Not a word, guys.” Steve mutters, cheeks faintly pink as he slides back into our tiny car. I giggle and rest my head on the headrest. Sleep is the one thing I want most right now but I know I’m not going to get it. 

“You’d sleep better if you closed your eyes, doll.” I shake my head, turning it to the side to smile at him.

“I can’t sleep in cars, never could. My dad was a crazy driver. Most of the time I was the one with eyes on the road, he was preoccupied with looking in the rear view mirror to see if we were being followed. I can’t even count the number of times I was late for school or doctor’s appointments because we were being ‘followed’ and he had to lose them. I’ll sleep when this is over.”

“Lena, it’ll be a while until it’s over. You already didn’t get much sleep last night, we watched too many movies... Sorry about that. In hindsight we should have stopped after two.”

“But it was fun. Even if you don’t like Lord of the Rings... That’s still so sad...” I grin at him and he rolls his eyes. “Then again, I’m not a huge fan of the black and white movies you love, so I guess we’re even.” 

“Here’s the truck stop, guys.” I turn to look out the window and nod.

“You guys all are what, large?”

“We don’t really need clothes, we’ve got our suits-” Bucky cuts Steve off before he can finish.

“Give us a moment to clean up, we’ll go with you to pick stuff out. I don’t want you wandering around this place alone.” Bucky says, looking over the sketchy building with a lot of uneasy feelings flickering across his face. 

“We haven’t got that much time, Bucky. I’ll start to look, you can join when you’re done. I promise not to get kidnapped.” Bucky frowns as we climb out.

“That’s not funny.”

“Okay, just go. You still stink.” I walk into the store section of the building, grabbing myself some loose shorts, and a t-shirt. I head to the men’s section and pull out some plain shirts. They’re only a few options as far as pants go. Bucky should probably just keep the ones he has, I don’t think he wants some tight bedazzled jeans... 

Someone says something behind me and I jump, bumping into the shelf. A man is there, dirty and smelling heavily of cigarette smoke and gasoline. I cough as he steps closer, cornering me and contaminating the air around me with his stench. He keeps talking in whatever language that is, lips pulling back in a sneer. When he reaches for my shoulder a hand clamps down on his arm. He turns to see the guys standing there looking threatening. In an instant the man is back peddling and yelling what I assume are curses at us.

“Here try this jacket on.” I toss a black jacket I found into Bucky’s arms, ignoring the I-told-you-so look in his eyes. 

“I don’t need a jacket.”

“Yes you do, you’re going to Siberia. It’s cold there, wise guy.”

“Is it really? I always confuse Siberia with Liberia, my bad.” He replies with a grin. It’s a little small so I grab one size up before turning to the others.

“You guys need anything else? I know you’ve got your spangled spandex outfits and all...” Bucky snorts loudly, turning his face away to hide his smile.

“No, let’s go before we draw more attention.” I nod, tossing the clothes on the counter along with some of the money I keep tucked in my shoes. It’s a bit damp but that hardly matter. I dash off with my clothes to get changed and wash up before running out to the car and sliding in.

“What’s next?” 

“Um... You guys hungry?” As if on cue Bucky’s stomach growls loudly, a sentiment that is quickly echoed by Sam’s stomach.

“That’s a yes, in case you missed it.” Steve smiles at me in the rear view mirror, thanking me for my very helpful translations. “Pull over Steve and switch with me.”

“What?”

“I’ll drive through the drive thru. We don’t need you being recognized.”

“You can drive?”

“Yes, Steve. This is 2016, almost everyone can drive.”

“Right, I keep forgetting. Cars weren’t that readily available way back when, you know. Not everyone used to drive everywhere...”

“I know, Gramps. Pull over.” He pulls a look of mock hurt and the rest of us just laugh.

“You know, Buck, if I’m Gramps then so are you. You were born earlier than I was.”

“Yeah, but you got back into the word before I did. Now you’re the one who’s older, Gramps.” 

Steve grumbles good-naturedly as he pulls off to the side of the road. I get behind the wheel, laughing as Steve tries to twist and bend himself until he’s sort of sitting next to Bucky.

“Fast food sound good? It’s that or a gas station. And I vote no for that, you don’t need food poisoning right before a fight but if you really want it...”

“Fast food is fine, I just need food.” They all agree with Steve and I pull in, ignoring the comments on my careful driving.

“You could have made that.” Sam says and I glare at him out of the corner of my eye.

“Shut up or I’m not getting you any food. Alright, what do you guys want?” They all pause to look out the window at the menu, all of them silent as they think. “Hi, um... There’s going to be a lot ordered, if you could just give us a moment.”

“Take your time.” A voice says from the speaker in heavily accented English. I’m just grateful it’s English at all...

“Bacon cheese burger.”

“How many, Bucky?”

“Five.”

“Five?!”

“I’m hungry! I didn’t get any breakfast, you were finishing up the pancakes when I left to get plums...”

“Water okay to drink?”

“Yeah, that’s good.”

“Steve?”

“Um, the roast beef sandwich.”

“How many?”

“Three.”

“What’s your excuse?”

“I’m just really hungry.” I roll my eyes hard enough to hear.

“Water for you too?”

“Yes, please.”

“Sam?”

“A crispy chicken sandwich, large fry, water. No ice.”

“Fries?” Both the boys in the back perk up, looking at me with big eyes in the rear view mirror. I stifle my chuckle and turn to the screen again. 

“Okay, can I get five bacon cheeseburgers, all with lettuce and tomato, three roast beef sandwiches, a large crispy chicken sandwich meal with a large water, no ice. Then I need two large fries, two more large water with no ice, another chicken sandwich and a chocolate shake. That should be everything... Hopefully...” It takes the poor kid a moment to get everything punched in before he rattles off a big number and tells me to drive forward. All the guys turn their heads away from the drive thru window as I pay and wait for the many glasses to be passed in along with several bags. 

Once I stop in the small parking lot Steve and I switch places again. After that it’s all a mess trying to make sure everyone gets their food. We sit in silence as everyone eats, Bucky scarfing through the first burger in seconds.

“You need to slow down or you’re going to be sick.”

“Steve is almost done already!” He accuses with a full mouth, making it hard to understand him. I look to the front and sure enough Steve is well into his second sandwich.

“Steve!”

“I’m hungry!” He whines with a mouth full like Bucky. I heave a sigh. 

“Earth’s mightiest hero’s, everyone...” I murmur, grinning at the look Steve gives me before ignoring them as I start to eat my own sandwich. It’s not bad, and it certainly isn’t my favorite place to eat, but it could be worse.

“You cooking is better, Lena. Much better.”

“You never eat my food that fast.” I mutter with a playful smile as Steve start to drive again.

“That’s cause you have to savor it.”

“Sure, sure...”

“Really, doll, I mean it.”

“I believe you.” I say, kissing his cheek. I swipe a few fries from his stash and from the look Bucky gives me you’d think I’d killed a puppy. “Sharing is caring.” I tease, dipping the fries into the shake.

“What are you doing?” He scrunches up his nose, I so want to take a picture!

“It’s good, try it. It’s the perfect combination of salty and sweet, hot and cold. Go on.” He tentatively dips one in, looking at it skeptically before popping into his mouth. Bucky chews for a moment before freezing, eyes going wide. Bucky grabs more fires and goes to dip them before stopping and looking at me, waiting for permission. “Go ahead.” I laugh as I hold out the cup. 

Bucky blows through the fires in no time flat, taking half of my shake with then, not that I mind. He’s happy again, distracted for a moment from everything that’s been going wrong today. When he’s done I rest my head on his shoulder and he rests his head on mine. In moments I can hear his breathing even out as he falls asleep. 

Steve looks at us in the mirror and he smiles. I half grin back, not really sure what I’m supposed to do in this situation. Are Steve and I friends now? I don’t know but God almighty I’m flipping tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha! A normal length chapter, good job me! :D
> 
> Thanks for everyone who's still reading my little story and thanks to all the new readers. Also, thank you for the kudos, comments and the like. They always make my day. :)

Steve and Sam talk with people on the phone, getting everything ready for the upcoming fight. I guess since their team is split up they need to being in some more people. Makes sense...

“We’re here.” Bucky’s head pops up with a sigh and I join in. I don’t want to let him go and do this, even though I know he has to.

We part next to a big white van and start to pile out, people climbing out of the other car too. Bucky and I stay on the other side of our car watching the exchange. Scott, I think that’s what they said his name was, is totally fanboying all over Steve.

“Look, I know you know a lot of super people, so thinks of thanking of me.” I smoother the giggle into Bucky’s back.

“Got everything, Bucky?”

“Yeah, just one more thing I need to fix.” He slips on the jacket before grabbing the left sleeve and tearing it off.

“Why did you do that?”

“Looks cooler.” He smiles down at me, waggling his eyebrows and I almost fall over laughing. Bucky is such a dork...!

“That’s true, I suppose. But you ruined a perfectly good jacket. I guess I should be happy you don’t do that with all your clothes. I can’t be seen walking the streets with such a ridiculously dressed man.” I tease, eyes bright with happiness.

A voice over head stops my laughter and Bucky sighs.

“They’re evacuating the airport.” He turns to say to everyone and fear suddenly grips my chest tight with ice fingers.

Everyone stars moving, getting changed into their outfits and talking, making a game plan. I just stand back and watch, not really able to help with anything.

“You gotta get out of here.”

“Wait, Bucky, I-”

“Let’s go!” Steve says, voice hard with determination. Bucky gives me one last smile before running off with Sam. In an instant I’m left alone with my thoughts.

Wait!

I never got to tell Bucky I loved him or say goodbye! If I never see him again, the last thing I’ll have told him was that he dressed funny! I can’t accept that...

But they’re already fighting, I bet. I doubt I could stop them long enough... But I have to try, right?

I’m so not thinking straight right now, I should go, I should leave and trust that I’ll see him again...

Oh well!

I sneak into the air field where I can hear the sounds of fighting. Crap, what if I’m too late and Bucky and Steve are gone!? I run like I’ve never run before, the adrenaline kicking in when I see the two sides lining up opposite each other. Come on, Lena! Just a bit more!! I skid to a stop in-between them, holding my hands up to each side.

 **“WAIT!!!”** I scream as loud as I can and everyone stops moving. Each side is about twenty feet from me and everyone is silent for a moment.

“Lena?!” Bucky’s voice calls out but I can’t look at him. I drop forward and rest my hands on my knees. My lungs are burning, every muscle in my body is telling me to just lie down and pass out... “Put down your fucking guns.” Bucky says but no one listens. **“She’s a civilian, put your Goddamn guns down!”** He roars this time and the weapons on both sides lower a tiny bit.

“I’ve... I’ve got you give you... normal guys props. Everyone else can fly... or is a... super soldier… but you guys just have to... have to run everywhere... You should get a medal... or something… This is hard...” I pant out, giving Black Widow, the guy with the bow, and Scott a thumbs up.

“I hate to interrupt but, are you going to say anything... relevant? We’re kind of in the middle of a big conflict of interests fight... Deciding our fates and all that jazz.” I turn to look at Iron Man and those on his side. It’s him, the Iron Man wannabe, a red guy floating in the back with a shiny gold cape, some skinny kid in a red suit, Black Widow, and the cat guy.

I’m about to say something very nasty to him but Bucky’s voice stop me short.

“Lena!” I glare for one more second at the robotic suit before turning to Bucky.

“Bucky…!” And all the talking and whispering going on in the background stops. I can take a guess as to why. It’s pretty obvious how I feel about him, it’s written all over my face, in how my body relaxes when I see him in one piece, in how I say his name. He takes a step towards me only to have Mr. Stark and the others raise their weapons. He shoots them a dirty look before holding out his hand for me.

“Come here...” I dash across the twenty feet of concrete, ignoring the pain, and throw myself into his arms. He holds me tight only a moment before pulling back to talk to me. “What in the hell are you doing here? You’re supposed to be going somewhere safe!”

“Bucky! I never got to tell you goodbye or that I love you! If I never saw you again the last thing I would have said was insulting you’re clothes and I couldn’t just let that happen-”

“So you put yourself in the middle of all this? Are you crazy?!” Maybe a little, but in my defense it’s been a long and stressful day. You can hardly blame me for being slightly unstable.

“No, but I just couldn’t-” Stark’s loud talking on the other side of the line pulls me from my frantic talking. Can he not just be quiet for five seconds?! I reach down, not thinking about what I was really doing, and grab my shoe. I lob it at his head and everyone falls silent, shocked at what I just did.

“Did you... Did you just throw a shoe at me?” I can’t tell if he’s smiling or not but it sounds like it.

“Can you shut up for a second? I’m trying to tell Bucky something!” Bucky tries to turn me around, pull me behind him for protection but I ignore him.

“A **shoe**. You threw a shoe at Iron Man so you could talk?”

“Yes.”

“Are you crazy?” Echoing what Bucky had said earlier isn’t very nice, we already went over that... and by we I mean me and it was in my head so I guess no one else heard my answer... God, I need some sleep!

“No- maybe... Look, I just haven’t gotten much of any sleep in the past forty-eight hours, my birthday was ruined, and there is more than a little adrenaline pumping through my veins right now. Not to mention you all are trying to kill Bucky, that doesn’t exactly put me at ease or make me like you.” God, something’s snapped. I need to stop running my mouth... I really need sleep!

“He killed my father.” I’m starting to think that’s all that guy can say.

“No he didn’t, stop saying that!”

“Then why did he run?”

“Is that an honest question? Are you fucking serious? How about we break into **your** house and dig through all your private stuff? How about after that we send swat teams to flash mob **your** stairwell and try to shoot you to pieces? Then, **just because the day is fucked up enough as it is** , let’s get some guy in a cat suit to whisper about how’s he’s going to kill you as he attacks with weird claws and chases you across roofs. What the hell would you have done? Stood there and get shot? Get ripped to shreds so you could prove your innocence?” Bucky is really trying to hold me back now but dang I’m pissed. How dumb is this guy?!

He doesn’t answer me and Bucky eventually manages to get me behind him, looking down at me with a worried expression and holding my shoulders tight until I calm down. After a few deep breaths I realize what I said and the blood drains from my face. Bucky nods, silently agreeing with my sudden change in attitude, like I finally had the right reaction.

“That was impressive Lena, thank you, but you can stop. I’ve got to go and fight now. You need to run, and maybe stay out of the dangerous area’s this time?” He gives me a strained smile, running a hand through my hair and I sigh.

“Bucky, I love you, you know that right?”

“Of course I do, doll.”

“So you be careful, okay?”

“I’m always careful.” I give him a look and he chuckles. “I’ll actually be careful this time.”

“Promise me you’ll come back...” I can’t manage more than a whisper, my throat closing around the words. Bucky gives me a sad smile that says he can’t make that promise. I hadn’t really expected him to.

Bucky would never make a promise that he would not or could not keep. This is one the ones that he might not be able to keep, as much as he would like to… He kisses my cheek and turns back around to face the other team.

"Steve...” The captain turns to look at me out of the corner of his eyes. “Keep him safe.” He gives a short nod and I start running again.

I’m going to be so tired by the end of today...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two normal length chapters in a row? Dang, I'm on a roll. :)
> 
> Okay, so I have been updating every other day but this weekend I'm going camping so I won't be able to update on Saturday like I should. I'll be putting the next chapter up on Sunday and then start the whole every other day thing again from there. Sorry, but there is going to be no internet in the woods. :)
> 
> I can't believe this has 2000-some-odd hits, I really can't. So thank you all, really, for reading my little story and for being so nice about it.  
> :D

A crappy hotel room is about all I can get with the left over shoe money. I plop on the bed and start to worry, not like I wasn’t worrying before, but now I can focus all my attention on every single thing that could go wrong. After a few deep breaths I call room service to get some food as I try and relax.

Bucky can kick ass, he’ll be fine, he’ll be okay. He’s got Steve there too, and all those other people. He’ll be fine...

The food tastes like dirt and once it hits my stomach I throw up, much too stressed to try and digest food. I toss around on the bed, trying to sleep but that doesn’t work either. So I settle for pacing the room.

“It’ll be fine” becomes my mantra and I pass out still repeating it.

~~~~~

“Miss Pella, you need to wake up and come with me.” Someone pulls me from my sleep and I open my eyes to see King T’Challa, a.k.a. the guy who asked the really dumb question at the airport, standing above me. I kick myself away from him and end up sprawled on the floor. “Your friends want to see you. Come with me.”

“My friends?” I ask warily.

“Bucky and Steve.” In an instant I am on my feet. We are practically running to his jet which somehow landed on the roof. It opens up and I can see Bucky there, laying on the floor, looking like shit again.

“Bucky!” I cry out as I run towards him, crashing onto my knees next to him.

“Lena?” He croaks. I grab his remaining hand and try not to cry.

“You lost your arm! What happened to being careful for me? Where’s the first aid kit?” T’Challa says something and Steve hands me a box, not looking much better off than Bucky. “Steve, sit down before you fall down.

“I lost the metal one and not the real one; that counts as being careful.” I sigh with a tired smile and flick him gently on the forehead. “Isn’t she great, Steve?” Bucky tries to laugh but it gets stuck in his throat.

“She’s a keeper...” Steve replies and a blush stains my cheeks even as I try and remain focused. I get Bucky out of his jacket to see lots of darkening bruises. I whimper, biting my lip as I hold in the tears.

Why can’t people just leave him alone?

Once I’ve cleaned Bucky up and he’s swallowed some pain killers I move on to Steve. He’s not in any better shape, but he at least still has both his arms...

When I’m done I fall back on the floor of the jet. God, I’m so tired... Bucky has been going in and out of consciousness, muttering every now and then. Steve has somehow managed to stay awake and watches me closely.

“Thank you for being there to help him all this time.”

“My pleasure, although he doesn’t remember much of the time before we went on the run...”

“Why did you help him? The first time, that is.”

“Because I couldn’t let him die alone and afraid.” Steve’s face soften into a smile.

“I’m glad he’s found someone he can trust.”

“What happened?” I nod to where Bucky should have a metal arm.

“Tony met us at the base, he was on our side, believed that Bucky was innocent of the bombing. But then that fake psychologist showed him an old video of Bucky- the Winter Soldier- killing his parents.” My eyes go wide for a second before they slide close. “Tony lost it and we fought.”

“Thank you, Steve. For bringing him back.” The captain nods and I sigh, lying down next to Bucky. The thrum of the jet puts me to sleep in no time at all.

~~~~~

I wake up to the bouncing of someone walking and carrying me. My eyes open a crack and I can see Steve above me. They slide shut again, still too tired to really focus.

“Make sure I’m near Bucky.” I tell the captain and I can hear him agree. People are talking around me, mostly in a language I don’t know. When I feel a bed under me I open my eyes again, looking around. Bucky is lying on the bed next to me, telling Steve something. Steve is the only one not currently in a bed and I frown, sitting up and making my way off the bed. I stumble over to him, grab his wrist and pull him over to the bed.

“Lena, what are you doing-” I give Steve a tiny push and he falls back on the bed. I nod, impressed with myself that I was able to move him at all.

“Lay down.” A stern expression is what I’m going for but I have the feeling l look more like a sleepy kid.

“Lena, it’s fine, you’re tired-”

“And you’re hurt. Lay. The fuck. Down.” Ah jeez, now I’m swearing.

“You better listen, Steve. She almost never swears...” I lean against Bucky’s bed, working hard at staying up right. Doctors come in and start to take care of the boys, doing a much better job than I ever could. When that happens I get ushered to a chair outside the room. I don’t want to leave Bucky but they’re busy in there.

“You must be tired, if you would like I could show you to your room.” I look up to King T’Challa but shake my head.

“With all due respect, I’d rather stay here close to Bucky.” The man nods, taking a seat near me. “I’m sorry about what I said before, I was, am, really tired. If you don’t mind my asking, why are you helping him? I thought you wanted to kill him...?”

“It is alright, I myself was blinded by vengeance. He is just another victim, much like my father. This way I can save one of them.”

“Thank you.” He nods and we both fall silent. After a few hours the doctor’s leave and I’m allowed back in. Bucky looks better, patched up and in clean clothes.

“It’s better for everyone if I go back under Steve. But there’s a few things I want to do first.” Back under? His eyes land on me and he breaks into a smile. When I get close enough he uses his arm and pulls me closer. I press close but I try not to hurt him. He ignore my attempts and pulls me up onto the bed, sitting me in his lap.

“I’ll give you two some time alone.” Steve walks off with a grin, closing the door behind him. The second the door clicks Bucky covers my mouth with his.

“Bucky, I don’t want to hurt you...”

“You could never hurt me.” He murmurs back, rolling us over so he’s above me, looking down like he’s won the lottery. When I start to tear up his expression softens. Bucky lays down next to me and I curl into him, sobbing my eyes out.

“I was so worried they were going to kill you! I can’t lose you, Bucky. I can’t... Please don’t make me lose you... please...”

“I’m sorry doll, you have no idea how sorry I am. But I’m safe now, I’m okay. They aren’t going to get me, no one is going to. Shh... It’s okay Lena...” He continues to murmur soft nothings to me until the tears run dry and the shaking stops.

“I love you Bucky... I love you...” I keep repeating it, the few words seeming to be the only phrase I could speak. My brain is so fuzzy, everything fading out as I am hugged tighter against his chest.

One persistent thought is still burning bright in my mind even as I start to pass out.

I don’t want to see him frozen again...

~~~~~

Once Lena’s cried all her tears she passes out, her fists in a death grip on my shirt. God, she looks so worn out. Her face is pale, her hair in a messy ponytail with loose strands going off in every direction. Dark bags outline her eyes, the frown seeming to be permanently etched into her brow.

I can’t really blame her though, I’m not exactly looking good myself. It’s been a really long couple of days, so much has changed. I don’t think we can ever go back to how we were, I doubt they are going to let Lena and I just drop off the map to live our life in peace.

After much work and no small amount of clever maneuvering I manage to get Lena in a semi comfortable position laying down next to me. I almost fell out of the bed three times in the process but I’ve done it. It’s so much harder to do things with just the one arm...

I glance down at where the metal arm used to be and frown. I’ve got mixed feeling about it being gone.

On the one hand, that part of Hydra is mostly gone from me. That weapon has been removed, I’m a tiny bit closer to being a normal-ish person. On the other hand, I used that hand to keep Lena and I safe, it had morphed from a weapon of Hydra into a shield for the both of us. Lena had never been afraid of it like I had when I first started to remember, she would often trace over the plates distractedly, completely at ease with it resting around her shoulders.

Well, that and I’m a total klutz without it...

_You’re going to leave her. You promised you wouldn’t but you’re going to. You’ll break her heart._

I don’t have any other choice! I can’t risk this whole thing happening again. It was a miracle that Lena didn’t get hurt this time around, that Steve and everyone else made it out alive. I won’t let it happen again. Since I can’t trust my own Goddamn mind, I have to go back under. She’ll understand... **please** let her understand. If there was any other way I’d take it, I don’t want to leave her. But there’s not, there’s not...

“I love you too, Lena.” I press a kiss to her forehead before sliding down in bed next to her, trying not to think about her crying face as the glass between us will freeze...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it's a shorter chapter (...sue me... -_-) and I didn't have much time for editing. Sorry again for waiting an extra day, but if it's any consolation, the weather is well and truly out to get me. Every time we go camping we get flooded, this years torrential down pour was no exception. I'll be back to posting every other day (unless some emergency comes up). 
> 
> Thanks for everyone leaving comments and kudos, and for everyone sticking with my story. Every time I check back and see that more people have read it, I get the stupidest grin on my face. :D

I wake up in the morning with sore eyes from all the crying yesterday but oh so happy to be snuggled in Bucky’s mismatched arms... well, I guess it's just arm now. Arm and part of a metal shoulder. I don’t know how long he’s been awake for but he’s watching me as I open my eyes.

"Good morning, my Lena.” The sleep in his voice gives me shivers.

“Hey.” I smile as I lean up, kissing his cheek.

“A guy could get used to this.” Bucky chuckles and pulls me up onto his chest to kiss me in earnest. 

“So could a girl.” I mumble back, my face red again. I move to kiss the side of his neck and sigh. “But, a girls got to eat too, so...” Bucky and I share a laugh, both completely happy with everything in our lives. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty hungry too. But I desperately need a shower, why don’t you go get started and I’ll join you shortly in the kitchen?” With a nod I start to pull away, only to be tugged back onto his chest. “One more kiss...” He whispers against my lips and one heated kiss soon melted into another and another.

“B-Bucky, we-we h-have to eat...” I push back on his shoulders, trying not to think about the missing arm and he grumbles. 

“Fine...” I’m released and stand on shaky legs, walking slowly out of our room and towards the kitchen area the King T’Challa had shown us yesterday. 

I try and stay positive as I cook, thinking negatively and worrying won’t do me any good but... I just can’t help it. Bucky’s going to go back into cryogenic sleep, that has to be what he meant by ‘go under’. I want to convince him otherwise, and I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could, but this is what he wants. He doesn’t want to be a risk to anyone anymore. So I’m going to have to let him go.

“Stop thinking about it!” I whisper shout at myself, quickly wiping away the tears. With a vengeance I start to mix the ingredients together in a large mixing bowl, pancakes being on the menu for breakfast. After my hand starts to hurt I slow down, feeling slightly better. I get the eggs ready next, just some fast scrambled eggs for a side, nothing fancy.

Without warning I’m spun around and warm lips crash into mine. The sudden passion Bucky is kissing me with takes my breath away, his roaming hand making me shiver. Somehow I end up on the counter, Bucky between my thighs as his fingers tug at the strings of the spare apron I am wearing.

“What brought all that on?” I murmur as he kisses my neck. With a soft growl he nibbles down on my weak spot, causing my hands to jerk in his hair.

“You look damn good in an apron.” 

“All that from and apron? Oh Bucky, there are much more sexy types of clothes to get that kind of reaction, what kind of sheltered life have you been living? An apron, especially when it’s worn over rumpled clothes, is not that appealing.”

“Says you.” He growls, biting down harder on the spot.

“Says most everyone.”

“Seeing my girl cooking me food in an apron is one of the best sights I’ve ever laid eyes on. I’m gonna buy you one...” Bucky mumbles at the end, probably more as a reminder to himself and I can’t help but giggle. Of all the things to turn Bucky on...

“Okay, whatever you say. Now let me down or you won’t be eating anything for breakfast.” 

~~~~~

“You’re going to do it, aren’t you?” I ask quietly over breakfast and Bucky freezes for a moment. He’s been unusually quiet since the whole thing with the apron. 

“... Yes...” I nod, holding back the tears. He’s looked so happy these past years, so peaceful, I don’t want to see him frozen again. “Lena, I-”

“You don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I understand...”

“It won’t be forever, doll. I just... I don’t want to risk what happened with the whole thing with the accords and shit happening again.” I nod, setting down my fork, unable to eat anymore.

“I know. I know...” My vision blurs as I keep my eyes locked on the scrambles eggs. 

“Lena...” He moves around the table and pulls me into a tight embrace. The tears spill over but I manage to bite back the sobs. “God, I love you so much. It hurts to leave but it would hurt so much worse to know that I lost it and hurt you or Steve again.” I nod, I understand, I truly do. I have to let go of him for a while, but he’ll come back. He always comes back, like Steve’s silly shield...

I am stuck to his side the entire rest of the day, memorizing how he looks when he smiles or when he teases me. Taking to heart the sound of his voice calling me doll, the sound of him whispering how much he loves me. And when the time comes, I hold my head up high.

Bucky sits on a table as the doctors and scientists get him ready for the cryogenic sleep. Steve walks in, looking better than the last time I saw him but still battered.

“You really sure about this?”

“I can’t trust my own mind, so until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I think going back under is the best thing... for everybody.” Bucky smiles up at Steve and the captain nods. “Take care of my Lena for me, will you? Don’t let her get into too much trouble.” I roll my eyes, trying to force out a laugh. 

“Because I’m the one who gets into trouble...” Bucky shrugs with a teasing smile and leans in to take one more kiss. 

“Of course I will.” Steve answers, looking serious. Bucky thanks him before getting into the cryogenic pod thing. I grab Steve’s hand, squeezing it as hard as I can just to keep the soft smile on my face and the tears from my eyes. I’m going to smile for him as he goes under and when he comes out I’m going to be smiling too. When it’s shut there is a loud hissing sound and I watch as ice covers the glass, distorting my view of Bucky. 

Then I break down. My throat is closed so tight it hurts, tears quickly gathering in my eyes and spilling over. I suck in a fast breath, trying not to make a sound as my lips quiver. I want nothing more than to shout and scream, just wordless expressions to get some of these feeling out of my chest, but I can't do that, not here... My arms wrap painfully tight around my stomach, as if that would help me keep it all in. I don't dare try and take another breath, knowing that if I do it'll all come out... but I don't think I can keep this up... 

God, it hurts!

I gasp in a breath and the spell is shattered. Loud, broken, choked off sobs die on my lips as I continue to try and hold them in, my legs shaking as they threaten to give out from under me. Steve holds me up, keeps me from collapsing in on myself and moves me over to the side of the room, away from all the peering eyes. 

“He’ll be back, Lena.” I nod. “Come on, let’s get you back to your room.” He leads the way and when I get there I fall on the bed and cry myself to sleep. 

I never wanted to see him frozen again...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm trying to write Scott... Feel free to give me pointers, I'm not entirely sure how I should do it. :/

King T’Challa lets me stay here, so I can be near Bucky, as well as the other Avengers as they are now on the run from the government. But I guess that means they’re not Avengers anymore... What are they then?

I spend my days either wandering aimlessly around the compound or sitting with Bucky thinking about anything and everything. It’s on such a day that Steve comes in looking worried... again...

“Lena, it’s not healthy to sit in here all day. I know you want to be near him, but you’ve got to get out some more. Come on, I’m going to the gym. Bucky said he tried to train you, why don’t you show me what you’ve got.” I don’t really want to go but I know he’s not going to leave me alone. 

It’s not like I’m depressed or anything... okay, maybe I’m a bit depressed, but it’s nothing serious. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Bucky was all I had, with him gone I’m left with nothing but my thoughts. Steve’s tries to get me to do stuff with him and his team, and I’ve finally gotten everyone’s names down, but it still feels weird being with people. 

There’s Wanda Maximoff, some girl with magical powers or something. Sam Wilson, the guy with the wings. Scott Lang, a guy who’s got a suit that can make him really tiny or really big. 

They all seem nice enough, Scott’s pretty funny, I think I like him the best, and Wanda’s not bad but she’s always kinda quiet and I’m not sure how to talk to her. Sam doesn’t like me much, I think it’s because he doesn’t like Bucky, but he’s never mean or anything...

Sam and Scott are already at the gym and they say hello when we walk in. I take off my jacket, which is actually Bucky’s, and roll my shoulders, trying to get into the mindset for exercise. 

Steve turns to me and tells me to start. He’s taller than Bucky and he’s really careful to not hurt me or let me hurt myself. Bucky was different. He wouldn’t hurt me, and if I was going to break something or seriously hurt myself then he would stop me, but if it was something small, twisting my ankle and overextending my arm he would let me go, wanting me to know my boundaries. Steve is impressed and he calls Scott over to spar with me.

He jokes around as we go, trying to cheer me up, and by the fifth joke he’s got me cracking smiles for what feels like the first time in a long time. Scott looks proud of himself and forgets to block and I end up driving my fist into his shoulder. He falls back and I fall over laughing.

“I beat an Avenger...!” I giggle, enjoying the look pure shock from Scott. He joins in my laughter, being a good sport about it. 

“Maybe you should join our ranks.” But I shake my head with a smile.

“I can’t do much.”

“Can you use a gun?” Steve asks and I nod. He pulls me over to the other side of the gym where there is a shooting range of sorts. He hands me a pistol and I take aim and fire five rounds. Scott’s followed us over and when they see that I hit the target on all shots he’s super sure that I should join. “Bucky teach you how to fight with a knife?”

“Yeah, he tried but I’m pretty bad with a knife. I can do this.” I take out Bucky’s knife from where I wear it on the back of my belt, that way if I need it I just reach behind me. Bucky said that would probably be the easiest place for me to keep the knife he gave me before he went under again. I show them the twirl’s he taught me and they both laugh, impressed. “I can’t really fight with it though. Bucky is much better than I am, it just wasn’t for me. I bet I could intimidate some drunks with this though.”

“Yeah, we’ve seen how good he is with a knife up close and personal.” Sam says as he walks past and I shrink back within my shell. Sam doesn’t like Bucky at all. Not that I can really blame him, Bucky was forced to attack them and kinda ruined their car from what is sounded like...

“Hey, Lena, want to go grab a bite to eat?” Scott asks, a bright smile on his face. Do I look like I want to eat...?

“Um… I think I should-”

“Cool, let’s go!” He pulls me out, snagging my jacket for before walking out. I put on the jacket, and push up the sleeves to my elbows. It’s ginormous on me, I could fit maybe three of me in here, but it makes me feel better wearing it.

Scott grabs us some food from the fridge before guiding me to a table and asking what I did before all this. I explain about my parents, my singing and then the switch to medical coding. I don’t know why I tell him it all, he is just easy to talk to. 

“I just, I don’t belong here. I wanna go back home with Bucky, not that there is really a home to go back to, but I want to have the feeling that I belong somewhere back. I never really had that at home with my family, I only found it when I was helping and staying with Bucky. Now I’m here without him and I... I just want it back.” I finish pathetically and frown at my plate

“I get that feeling, wanting to go back home.” I look up at him and wait for the rest of it. “I’ve got a daughter, can’t really see her anymore... Her step-dad’s kinda a cop so if he saw me now I’d be arrested... again.”

“Do they know about joining the Avengers?”

“Yeah, at least they had known about the suit, and I suppose now they know about the Avenging business. But I’ll see her again one day. And you’ll see Bucky. Now, what do you say we grab something sweet and I’ll show you how to shrink stuff and you can teach me a knife trick?”

“Okay, sounds good.” I let a tiny grin break through. 

“You wanna see a picture of Cassie?” I nod and he pulls a well-worn picture out of his wallet, holding it out to me.

“What is she holding?” It looks like a serial killer rabbit...!

“The ugliest rabbit I could find. She loves it a ton.” We both laugh and he takes the picture back, looking at it fondly before putting it back. “Let’s go.” Back in the training room he hands me some disks. 

“Okay, red shrinks and blue grows. Now it’s time for the important question. What should we use them on?” I think for a moment before heading back to the kitchen and grabbing one of the chocolate chip cookies I had made the day before. 

“Make this bigger!” Scott laughs at my excitement. He sets it down on the far table. With a flick of the wrist the disk goes flying across the room and hits the cookie. A second later there is a giant cookie sitting there. I clap my hands, giggling and run across the room. “Take a picture, please Scott? Bucky will be so jealous!”

“No problem.” He takes my phone and snaps a few pictures in front cookie. Scott and I then spend the next hour shrinking and growing all sorts of random household items. After that I try and teach Scott one of the many flips tricks that Bucky had taught me over the days back at the safe house. Scott is much worse than I was when I started, and since I’m not as good as Bucky I can’t stop him from hurting himself.

“You guys having fun in here?” Steve asks form where he’s leaning against the door jam. I turn and grin at him, pointing excitedly to my monstrous dessert.

“And now Scott can flip a knife without slicing off any fingers.” Scott takes the knife and flips it halfway before it goes tumbling to the floor. “Well, he can almost flip a knife.” 

“I’m better at fighting and shit when it counts, I swear...” Steve smiles, glad, I think, that I’m finally out and about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	36. Chapter 36

“You want to cook tonight Scott?” The man in question grimaces and scratches the back of his head.

“Only if you want charcoal with a side of burnt water.”

“I do... Want to cook that is, I wouldn’t mind cooking.” I speak up and Steve is smiling again.

“Well then, we’ll leave dinner up to you.” I nod and wander over to the kitchen. I haven’t really cooked a meal since Bucky went back under, there wasn’t much need. I mostly cooked for him because God know what he would have eaten otherwise. I’ve made small things since, cookies for Steve, and some waffles for Scott when he was sick a week ago, but beyond that I just... haven’t done it, I haven’t done much... 

I pull out a big pot and start to make vegetable beef soup. After a few minutes I start to sing, not liking the silence. Quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone. One song melts into another and before I know it the soup is off and cooking. I hop up on the counter and watch it. 

Bucky would be mad at me for just moping around like this... I’ll try and do better. Still, I’m shy naturally so people skills aren’t exactly my forte but I’ll try. Steve and the others have been going on secret little missions lately, picking up where the other Avengers aren’t sent. And that’s cool, I mean, I’m not entirely sure where I stand on the Accords and all that, but as long as they keep saving the day it doesn’t matter much to me personally. 

When the soup is finished I leave it simmering on the stove as I go and look for everyone. Scott’s first, still practicing the flip and still not quite mastering it. Wanda is next, sitting and looking out a window like she’s in some sad music video. Steve is already heading towards the kitchen, claiming he could smell the food from wherever he was. I nervously bite my lip as I head off to find Sam. He’s working on his little jet-pack-bird-friend-thing in his room and when I knock he looks up slightly annoyed.

“I um... I cooked dinner. Just s-some soup, nothing fancy. If you-you want to eat... um... it’s, ah, it’s in the kitchen...” After stuttering and stumbling my way through that I turn and race back to the kitchen, my face on fire. Steve is dishing it up when I get back, several soup bowls set out on the counter. 

“Thanks for cooking, Lena. Dinner hasn’t smelled this good in a long time.” The second the words are out of Steve’s mouth he regrets them. Wanda pretends to glare at Steve, little red sparks flaring around her hands. “You’re cooking is good, Wanda, it’s just nice to have something we grew up on is all.” Steve says with a smile 

“Well, thank you and you’re welcome I guess.” I snag a small bowl for myself before hopping back onto the counter to eat.

“Aren’t you coming to the table?” Scott asks, a spoon in his mouth making it a bit hard to understand.

“Aren’t you guys going to have your nightly meeting thing? I don’t want to get in the way...”

“Nah, you won’t be in the way. Come on.” Scott nods to the chair next to his and I hesitantly walk over. When Sam joins us they start to talk about missions and all kinds of stuff. I zone out most of it, not really caring. The soup’s a bit off. Nothing I think they would notice, but I don’t think there’s enough spices.

“Thanks for dinner, Lena.” Steve says as he stands and everyone echoes the sentiment. I nod, mutter a “you’re welcome” before going back to thinking about nothing. Enough, Lena! Go do something! I stand and start pacing. Wanda had agreed to do the dishes tonight so I don’t have to worry about it, not that I really mind doing them.

“Hey, Steve?” I ask when I find him reading some book in the lounge. He looks up, more than a little surprised that I sought him out. He needs to work on his poker face in times like these... “Can you teach me to dance?”

“Um... I’m sure you know better than I would on how to dance these days.”

“No, the dances from back when you and Bucky were from. That way I can surprise him when he wakes up. He did like dancing, right?”

“Oh yeah, he loved dancing. I’m just not sure I’m the best to teach you though. Back then I was a skinny guy who never actually got to dance.”

“Oh, sorry-”

“But I’ll try, and what I don’t know I’m sure we can look up on the Google.” I hold in the smirk from how he put ‘the’ in front of Google, just like Bucky.

“Are you sure, I don’t want to be trouble...”

“It’ll be fun. Come on.” He slides his book mark into place and stands from the reclining chair. Once we find a suitable spot to practice he tries to show me some of the moves. When that doesn’t work we grab a tablet and look up some videos on the YouTube, as Steve calls it, when the Google doesn’t give us many useful options. 

That become my nightly routine when Steve’s here. It’s a good way for me to stay active as well as not think to pessimistically about Bucky. When he’s not here I try and practice by myself but it’s not the same. I usually end up sitting on the floor and humming. 

Frick, I really need a hobby. The dancing is okay as long as Steve is here and well. Recently that’s not really been happening. The missions either end in him being too worn out or sporting an injury of some sort.

I frown at myself in the reflection of the dark marble floor. I’ve noticed something recently in my ponderings. I’m pretty much useless around here. Even when it comes to Bucky, there are many people who could do what I do, many who could probably do it better. I’m just a rather pathetic excuse for a human, Bucky’s better at living than I am and he’s been in and out of cryogenic sleep for the past seventy years!

Shut up, Lena. Bucky would be so mad if he heard you say that! Do. Something. You. Idiot. I stand, pulling out my knife and starting to twirl it. After I’m comfortable with it I start to practice like Bucky had taught me. I’m not too bad in practice but as soon as I think about fighting someone, hurting someone, I falter. I can slice the air in front of me easily, almost gracefully, but when I imagine a person there I fail, the knife falling from my grip or twisting in the wrong direction and slicing into me.

“Some people just aren’t meant for fighting, you know.” I let out a shrill scream, having been concentrating so hard on the air before me that I never heard anyone walk in. Ms. Romanoff is standing there with her hands up. I cover my heart, not bothering to pick up the knife from where I dropped it.

“Sorry...” I mutter when I can talk and she shakes her head.

“No, I’m sorry. I forget there are some here who are just normal people.”

“Did you say something earlier?”

“Just that some people aren’t meant for fighting.”

“But I have to be able to... Bucky’s from a world where there’s lots of fighting. If I was better I could have helped him, he never would have gone to the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre. But I couldn’t, I was entirely useless. I don’t want to be useless, Ms. Romanoff. I-”

“I can promise you that you are far from useless. I’ve seen the Winter Soldier in action, he’s a ruthless machine, killing targets for Hydra effortlessly, the perfect weapon. The man who woke up from that shouldn’t have been able to live a normal life without any incidents. If he was anything like Steve told us, than that was, is, almost impossibly hard. The good man he had been before Hydra had to live with the memories of what he had been forced to do. But there he was living peacefully, with a tiny little civilian woman no less. You helped a broken man find some peace. I’m sure you got bruised and battered in doing so, but you stayed anyways. For people like us it’s important to have some kind of peace in our lives, a place where we can relax, otherwise the job will kill us. So you, Lena, are far from useless.”

“But I can’t fight, can’t protect-”

“Then let him. Let us. We’re not exactly a typical team but we are there for each other, there’s not usually a civil war between us. For most of us this as close as we’ve got to family. You take care of the home and let us take care of the ass-kicking. Sound good, Lena?” I look up into her smiling eyes for a few moments before nodding. “Good, now, was there any food left? I’m starving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the next chapter. A tad short but I didn't feel like starting something new at the very end and then cut it off.
> 
> Another thing, with college starting back up it might take me a while to respond to your comments and such, but I do try to respond to all of them. I really do like hearing from you guys, be that through the comments or when you just leave a kudos. You guys have been so nice. :)

People with guns and knives strapped to their bodies drag Bucky in, his legs trailing behind him. His normally bright eyes are dark and hazy, half-lidded as he tries to breathe deep and get his bearings. They slam him into that horrible chair, the metal bands locking in place around his arms.

With the sound of hissing and zapping the machine surrounds the left side of his face. He screams, body jerking as they erase him. Sweat drips down his face, makes his dark hair stick to his skin. The metal arm fights against the binds, making the sound of bending metal echo in the room and mixing with his cries.

“Stop it!” I yell, trying to move forward, to get that thing off of him. But I can’t move, my body won’t listen. When it finally stops, when the machine moves away from his face, Bucky just sits there panting and grimacing as he tries to cope with the overwhelming pain.

My body moves then, lunging forwards and over to his. I frantically trail my hands over his sweaty skin, his bleary eyes not focusing on me as I push the hair from his face. Tears drip from my eyes onto his chest as I talk, as I desperately start to yell, anything to get him to look at me and not through me.

A man with a dark mask on says something in a different language and Bucky’s eyes snap over to him. The man nods to me and in an instant Bucky’s metal arm knocks me back, sending me crashing to the ground. The wind is knocked out of my chest in one great huff and as I frantically try to breathe again adrenaline starts to course through my veins. But before I can move, before I can even suck in a full breath Bucky is above me, choking me. His knees grind my hands into the ground, preventing me from reaching for him.

“Bucky-!” I say, using the last of my air and I can see a flash of recognition in his eyes, I can see him fight against the orders the man gave. He lets go and I start choking as I try and breathe again. The shock in his expression melts into rage as he turns around to the man who was giving the orders. With a roar he launches himself at the man. A single shot echoes in the room and everything freezes.

Bucky stops moving, falling onto his back looking confused. His hand reaches for his chest where blood is oozing out. I dive forward, trying to catch him as he falls but I’m too slow, it feeling like I’m moving through cold molasses. His eyes flicker in distress to me, his hand reaching out for my shoulder.

“Le... na...” Bucky’s says, but it’s not really his voice. It’s too rough, too weak, the gurgling sound as he tries to breathe through blood warping it even farther.

“No, no, no, no...! Bucky! Please, everything is going to be okay. You can’t die, you can’t. You can’t leave me here all alone. Please don’t leave me alone...” Even as I beg he starts to slip away.

_**No.** _

I try and stop the bleeding, try and talk to him through frantic tears but it doesn’t help, nothing helps. The light starts to fade from his blue eyes and everything inside me is breaking.

“NO!!!” I scream, suddenly sitting up in bed, panting and covered in sweat.

“Lena?!” Scott says from the door and I turn to look at him, eyes wide as the image of Bucky dead sticks in my mind. I dash to get up from the bed, my tangled legs in the blankets making me fall to the floor. With frantic muttering I stand and push past Scott, racing down the hallways to where Bucky is, where he should be, where he’s alive, he has to be. I have to see, to see that he’s okay, that he’s not gone...!

The room lights flicker on when I enter, everything in place like it’s supposed to be. All the machines are working and Bucky is lying there with a calm expression beneath the frosty glass. I fall to my knees, trembling hands pressing into the cold glass as I try and relax.

“Lena...” This time it’s Steve who says my name. His hand touches my shoulder but I shake him off. I don’t want Steve, I want Bucky! I want my Bucky... “Come on, honey...” He crouches down next to me and pulls me into his arms. Steve stands, carrying me effortlessly like Bucky used to. I turn my face into his shoulder and sob.

“Please, I-I just want Bucky back, Steve. I d-don’t wa-want him to be frozen anymore. I don’t want h-him to hurt. Give him back, _please give him back..._ ”

“He’s coming back, Lena, you know he is. He’d never leave you for good. You just got to give everyone some time to figure out how to help him, then he’s all yours. Just a little longer, honey, you just have to be strong for a little while longer.” His hand rubs my back gently as he talks in an equally gentle voice.

I yawn as the sobs die down, my eyes tired from crying and my throat scratching from all the yelling. Steve just holds me, waiting for me to completely calm down before walking me back to my room and tucking me in.

~~~~~

Opening my eyes in the morning is a chore in and of itself and once they are open I just stare at the ceiling with dead eyes and a dark expression.

I can see Bucky lying on the ground, a hole in his chest and his blood oozing out into a puddle on the floor beneath him. The image is crystal clear in my head, all of it is.

I can feel as his grip on my shoulder loosens, the strength seeping out of his body with all the blood.

I can hear his voice as he tries to say my name, raspy and quiet.

I can hear the sound of his wet coughing as he tries to get the blood out of his damaged lungs echoing around the dark room.

Stop it, he’s fine. He’s safe.

Bucky is alive... more or less…

Steve’s right, I just have to wait patiently. They are working as hard as they can to find a way to help him. He’ll be out in no time, they’ve got all sorts of smart people working on it. And when he finally steps out of that awful pod then I’ll never have to see him go back in. He’ll be better for good.

Bucky will be better and happy and **safe**.

“Lena?” Scott’s unusually timid voice, muffled by the door, pulls me out of my daze.

“Yeah?” My own voice is rough from the screaming.

“I’ve... I’ve got some breakfast for you. Don’t worry, I didn’t make it. Steve did, I swear. We um... We were thinking you could use some time off of cooking duty. Can I come in?”

“Sure, sorry for the trouble.” Scott smiles when he opens the door, not an unusual thing for him to do, he smiles a lot. But much like his timid and unsure voice earlier there is a hesitance in his eyes and I feel bad for being the cause of that. “I’m better now, I won’t start crying-” I cut myself off with a sharp gasp when Scott places the tray on my lap.

It’s oatmeal, almost identical to what Bucky used to make me when I was feeling under the weather. Tears fill my eyes even as I angrily try and keep them from forming. Scott doesn't need to deal with this too, you already freaked him out last night. Get a grip, Lena!

“Do you not like oatmeal?! Oh God, I’m so sorry!!” He tries to take the tray but I hold it down, pressing the wood of the tray painfully into my thigh. Maybe the physical pain will distract me from awful emotions trying to crush my chest.

“No, it’s... It’s fine. I love oatmeal. Bucky used to... used to make it for me too. I’m sorry for crying so much.” Scott looks more than a little unsure but leaves the tray where it is.

“I am going to try and use Skype to talk with Cassie today. Would you like to meet her?” His typical smile is back in full force and I manage a small one of my own.

“I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's another long chapter. I wasn't sure how long I should keep Bucky under for so, because there are several scene's that I want to still write, he's back. Also, I'm completely bull-crapping how to fix the trigger words, so I'm sorry if it's not believable or whatever.

Ms. Romanoff, or Nat as she has me call her, seems to have taken it upon herself to keep me busy, joining Steve in his efforts. Before I know it the months pass. I even venture outside of this compound once in a while.

Nat’s coming with me today on such an outing, grabbing some ingredients for dinner tonight. I’m making a turkey dinner for an early Thanksgiving as the team will be out on a mission for the actual day. I’ve got a huge turkey on the menu along with: mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, fresh rolls, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, glazed carrots, two different kinds of cranberries, pumpkin and apple pie, and homemade apple cider. Our arms are laden with what seem like endless bags as we get back, both of us laughing at how ridiculous we look.

There’s another jet in the landing bay but I don’t pay it any mind as we walk to the kitchen. I set the bags down and rub at the grooves they left on my skin. I start unloading when I hear one of the other staff say something about Bucky. I freeze and try to listen as they walk away. When I hear the word ‘awake’ I drop the bag of potatoes and run off.

“I’ll put the stuff away, don’t worry!” Nat calls after me but I hardly hear her.

Bucky’s waking up? Why? Is something wrong? They didn’t say they were close... something has to be wrong! I sprint down the familiar twists and turns, my flats making a pitter-pattering sound echo down the halls. I make the last turn and at the end of the hall I can see a familiar figure stepping out of the cryogenic pod. My heart leaps and I run that much faster.

“Bucky!” I yell out, still a fair ways down the hall but he turns to the sound. Once I’m close enough I can see that he looks dazed, not surprising, but he catches me easily when I throw myself at him, even with just the one arm. I chant his name, my face buried in his shoulder as I cling to him like a monkey.

“It’s okay, Lena, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Shh...” He calms me down, the sound of his beating heart enough to make tears well up. He turns slightly and I can feel his body stiffen, going from relaxed to rigid in seconds flat. I immediately let go and turn around. No one is going to make him feel unsafe right after he woke up! No one-

My anger fizzles out when I see Mr. Stark standing there with Vision. The rage is quickly replaced with gut wrenching fear. My body moves on reflex and I stand between Bucky and Mr. Stark, as if I could do something to stop him.

“Relax, kid, I’m not here to hurt anyone.” He rolls his eyes but I don’t move a muscle. Bucky is the one who moves me away, his arm pulling me off to the side. My eyes flash to his face and he looks upset, guilty, and so very tired.

“Tony, I’m sorry. I know that I-”

“Buck, it wasn’t-”

“No, Steve! Let me do this...” I bite my lips and slide a hand up his back, settling it between his shoulders. He needs to say this, needs to do this for himself and for Mr. Stark. He can’t say it to any of the other victims, this is one of the only chances he’s going to get. “I’m sorry. I know that I hurt you, that I hurt so many people. Yes, I was under Hydra’s control but I still did it. I know that I don’t have any right to be forgiven, that I’ve done too much to even hope for that. I just want you to know that I’m sorry about your parents, I’m sorry you had to pay the price...” His voice is heavy with guilt, shaking ever so slightly as he talks. The room is silent, no one daring to make a single sound.

“Yeah, I’m not big on emotional settings so let’s just move on, Tinman. I already cooled down, thought about everything. I forgive you, let’s get this show on the road.” Mr. Stark says this so easily, the words Bucky never thought he’d hear anyone say, well, apart from Steve and I. 

_I forgive you._

Bucky stands there, frozen in place. He can’t believe what he just heard, I know he can’t. He said it himself just then and he’s been saying it for the two years in Romania. Bucky doesn’t believe that he can be forgiven for the atrocities that Hydra used him to cause. But here is Mr. Stark, forgiving him, setting him free from at least some of the guilt.

He can’t seem to manage any words at the moment so I step forward and give Mr. Stark a grateful smile.

“Thank you.” He nods and turns to start setting something up. “Why is he awake now, Steve? I mean, other than for talking with Mr. Stark.”

“Tony made some memory devise, something about barfing… I don’t know there were a lot of technical words involved but it, along with Wanda’s powers, should help take away what Hydra put in him.” Steve seems ecstatic about the current situation and I can’t help but smile in return.

“Alright guys, ready to give this a try?” Bucky nods and everybody moves to get everything ready. Vision heads off to find Wanda, she really likes him from what I’ve heard. I think they’d be cute together... Bucky turns to focus on me completely as everything gets set up.

“I missed you, Bucky...” A regretful smile twists his lips, a sad spark in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, doll. But if all goes well, it’ll never have to happen again. Now, can I get a kiss?”

“There are others-”

“Kiss, now.” He pulls me in close and I sigh. It’s so nice to hear his voice again. I raise my eyebrow at his demand and he grins. “Please, doll, don’t make me beg.” I grin back and step onto my tippy toes. I give him a light kiss, not wanting to go too far in front of everyone, but his arm locks around me and he kisses me long and hard. When he let’s go I’m left breathless and blushing. I wobble off to the side, getting several smiles as I do so.

I sit back and watch as Mr. Stark and Wanda begin to do whatever they planned out. It starts off okay but eventually Bucky starts to struggle. Wanda is going to find all the memories, bring them to light, and then let Mr. Stark’s invention do its thing.

“You... You gotta calm him down... I can’t... Can’t help if he keeps moving... Do something!” Wanda bites out, looking like she was in just as much pain. I jump forward. Bucky thrashes against the straps and I take his hand, leaning close to his ear. Steve puts on some soft big band music and I start to talk to Bucky.

“Everything is going to be fine, Bucky. You can relax, you’re safe here. Everything’s okay.” I keep talking until he calms and then I just settle for holding his hand. After what feels like forever, and no small amount of pain on Wanda’s side, she stops, sliding into a chair next to Bucky with Vision’s help.

“What happened? You were screaming...” Wanda’s breathing settles as Vision trails off, worry evident in every line on his face.

“He’s had so much pain to deal with, Vis. So much...” Steve and I work to get the straps off Bucky so he can wake up normally.

When Bucky wakes up and everything they start the second phase of fixing him. Mr. Stark had been setting up a room like thing, with sensors everywhere, that Bucky was going to be in. From what I gather he’s going to be reliving his memories and moving on, accepting or changing or something. I don’t know, Mr. Stark uses a lot of big words that even with my vast vocabulary I can’t decipher.

After what feels like forever Bucky steps- stumbles- out of the room. Steve and I catch him, helping him to a chair.

“How do you feel?” I ask timidly.

“I... Lighter? I can... I can remember more now, more of the good times. How...?” Bucky eyes drift off for a second, remembering, before focusing back on us and shaking his head. “Thank you.” He says earnestly. Vision comes up next, his expression unreadable.

“Sargent Barnes, if you would-”

“Bucky.” He cut’s the man off quickly.

“Bucky, if you would come this way we are ready to fix your arm.”

“Okay...?”

“I’m sorry for breaking the last one, but in my defense you kinda deserved it.” Mr. Stark says and I let a small smile through.

They get to work on attaching his new arm and I sit behind him, leaning my back against Bucky’s. I relax completely for the first time since he went back under. Both the men are quiet as the arm gets worked on until Bucky jerks away.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” He yells at me suddenly, making me jump and almost fall to the floor. Bucky turns away from Mr. Stark, new arm not completely working yet and it sort of just hangs there. It’d be funny if Bucky weren’t angry at me about something.

“What’s-”

“I told you I was a killer and you said ‘Yeah, okay. Let’s go.’ and let me into your house?! You gave me hot chocolate?! Did you have a fucking death wish?” Oh, he remembers that now...

“No, but you needed a shower and some sleep. I was just-”

“I could have killed you!”

"You didn’t the first time-”

“I couldn’t even move that night!”

“But you didn’t in the morning…” I try and defend my actions. Bucky shakes his head, looking stunned. “Out of curiosity, what did you think I had done when I said I helped you?”

“Not that! Jesus, we need to work on your self-preservation skills. 1. Don’t let people who admitted they’ve killed people into your house for hot chocolate. 2. Don’t offer pizza to someone who’s got you pinned to the wall and could snap your neck. 3. Don't even **think** about giving them the keys to your place. Really, what the hell?” I shrug and he turns back around, muttering about it still. Everyone else in the room is watching the exchange with smiles and I blush. I don’t like being the center of attention.

The arm gets put on without any more hitches, his silence interrupted periodically with another point of self-preservation I need to work on... he’s up to fifteen... Mr. Stark starts with the fine tuning but Bucky’s gasp stops him and draws my attention. His eyes are wide as he looks at his arm.

“I-I can feel... Really feel...” Bucky whispers.

“Yeah, I’ve been working on some new technology. This arm contains tons tiny plates that will send the information up to your nerves where the signal will be sent like any normal stimulation. Along with pressure and texture you should, to some degree, be able to feel hot and cold. There is also an internal switch for when you’re in a fight and don’t wanna feel the bullets hitting your arm. And, with the generous donation from King T’Challa, made out of Vibranium.” I’m not sure Bucky heard everything Mr. Stark said, he’s too preoccupied with his arm. It looks almost exactly like the other one. It’s still got the red star, the plates still slide and readjust when he moves.

After all the tweaks are done, the tests all turn out good and an invitation to go stay at the Avengers Tower, they can’t stay at the base, they’d get arrested, Mr. Stark and Vision are on their way home. I rush after them, leaving Bucky’s side for a moment.

“Mr. Stark!”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.” I say earnestly and he pulls a cocky smiles. “And I’m sorry for throwing a shoe at you, I usually don’t do stuff like that...”

“Don’t worry about it, kid.” They turn to leave and I sprint back to Bucky, having been separated long enough.  The past five months have been hard, but it'll be better now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sudden lack of stress (which can be a tad stressful in and of itself) is finally going to get to Lena, she going to crack a little. *dun* *dun* *dun*
> 
> Anywho, thanks for everyone leaving comments and such, and for the people sticking with this story. I know I say that a lot but I really do mean it.

“Bucky, I’m making an early thanksgiving meal for tonight. Would you like to join me?” I ask and he nods, giving Steve a smile before walking out with me. He takes my hand in his metal one and stares at it as we walk. “Is it weird?”

“Yeah, it’s just... I haven’t felt in my left arm, really felt, since I was Sargent Barnes. With my old arm I could tell if I was holding something, tell that something was there but that’s the extent of it. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to have that back, to be able to feel how soft your hand is, the smoothness of your skin, how warm it feels...” I nod and when we get to the kitchen I find Nat already peeling the potatoes with the help of Scott.

“Thanks you guys. Bucky, can you start cutting up the carrots and sweet potatoes?”

“Sure, doll.” After a quick hello to the others he heads over to an empty section of counter to begin. Scott and Nat both give me big smiles behind his back and I grin back. I’m so happy he’s back...

With the added help of Nat and Bucky, Scott only helping when there was no actual cooking involved, the dinner was ready right on time despite my distraction. We invited King T’Challa, whether or not he comes is anyone’s guess. Sam is... slightly less than pleased to see Bucky sitting at the table when he showed up with Steve. But beyond that, everyone is happy.

As we start to pass the food I take a moment to look around the table. I haven’t had a thanksgiving like this ever. My parents had never been one for the holidays and after they died there was no one to celebrate it with, Jake always made the long trek back to his home town. I can see why people like it though. Having everyone in one place, happy and safe, is a blessing.

“Can you pass the salt, Sam?” Bucky asks as everyone finishes dishing up their food. Sam looks at Bucky and then passes the salt in the exact opposite direction of Bucky. I can see Bucky’s eye twitch, but he holds in the rest of his annoyance rather well.

“Um... Bucky, can you pass the gravy please?” I quickly ask, trying to get Bucky’s mind off Sam. He reaches across the table and takes the gravy boat, kissing my cheek as he hands it to me.

“Sure thing, doll.” I thank him, trying to ignore both the blush and the various knowing glances from around the table. Everything settles down as people start to eat, too preoccupied with stuffing their faces to say much. When we’ve had our fill of dinner I head to the kitchen and bring in the pies and apple cider.

“You really went all out today.” Scott says as he finishes the last of the potatoes on his plate to make room for dessert.

“Well, this is Thanksgiving. I figured it should be a big thing. And I like cooking. Besides, with Nat’s, Bucky’s and your help it was easy.” I say to my plate, not sure who I am supposed to look at when I say that. God I need to work on my group social interaction skills.

Once the pie is served and the apple cider has been poured things quiet down again. There are a few compliments given through full mouths and I smile. I’m glad everyone likes it.

“Thank you, Lena, for one of the best Thanksgiving’s I’ve ever had.” Bucky says as he takes his dishes to the kitchen, coming back with Tupperware for the left overs. Everyone else repeats the sentiments and I blush darker shade of red than the cranberries.

“We’ve got the dishes, it’s the least we can do.” Steve says, gently pushing me away from the soapy sink. I try to protest but Bucky is already pulling me back. He walks us over to one of the smaller lounge areas and pulls me down to the couch, tucking me into his chest.

“Have I told you I missed you yet?” I ask quietly, my voice muffled by his chest.

“Once or twice. I certainly don’t mind hearing it. You do okay while I was gone?” I shrug, not really wanting to admit that I was pretty bad at living without him.

“Steve and Nat tried their very hardest to keep me from moping about. And you’ve got to see this picture Scott took of me, you’re going to be so jealous.”

“Then I should go thank them all, for taking care of you when I couldn’t.”

“Yeah, maybe later though... For now you should just stay here and hold me.”

“I don’t know, Lena. That sounds too hard... I’d better go start to train or something.” He makes to stand but I cover his mouth with mine before he gets too far.

“It’s not very nice to tease me, you know.”

“But it is fun...” He pulls me back for another searing kiss, his hands wandering under my shirt and over my back.

“Someone... could... see us… Bucky, listen!” The man keeps cutting off my words with little kisses. And as much as I would love to kiss him all the live long day, I don’t want to be a show for someone else.

...Great now I’m thinking about what I had been trying so hard to avoid, trying very hard not to be jealous of Wanda. She got to see everything about Bucky, she knows everything about his past, about who he was before Hydra... crap, even Steve knows more about Bucky than I do...

“What are you thinking about, because it’s definitely not me... You’d be blushing more if you were.” Bucky pulls away from my neck and looks straight into my eyes.

“N-nothing... Come on, let’s go back to the room-” I try to stand but Bucky holds me captive, arms locking in place around me.

“What were you thinking?”

“I already said nothing, let me go...” I turn away from him, sure he would be able to tell just what I was thinking. And it’s stupid because Wanda’s the one of the people who made it so he doesn’t have to go under again, I should be grateful... And I am, I really am, it’s just now I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know who Bucky was. And it shouldn’t matter, I know that, but it still eats away at me.

He grasps my chin, his metal arm still keeping me close and turns my face to look at him. Bucky’s gaze is intense, blue eyes unwavering as they search mine. Then a small smile grows on his face.

“You’re jealous.”

“I am not!” I squirm away and start walking to the room.

“Of who?” I can hear how happy he is and that only makes me grumpier.

“No one.” I bite out.

“Steve?” My shoulders tense, I’ve never been good at hiding things. “And... Wanda?” I pick up my pace and I can hear Bucky chuckle. “Because... you think they know more about me...?”

“How in the flipping flip did you figure all that out from looking at me?!” I spin on him and glare. He’s got a smug grin on his face.

“It was just a guess, but now you’ve told me.” I grumble and start walking again. “Lena, they don’t know more than you-” Something snaps in me and I turn around to glare at him, eyes quickly filling with tears. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to fight! I got him back, why can’t I just be happy?!  
  
"Yes, they do Bucky! Steve knew you way back when, you were best friends! He could tell all sorts of stories about you two, tell them for days. And now Wanda’s seen everything, so what I knew since you woke up, that Steve didn’t know, is known by her! I’ve got nothing about you that’s mine! And it’s probably best that way because I’m sure I’d just ruin it somehow, I can’t do much after all. All I can do is cook food and clean up, but I can’t be a spy or a soldier or a hero. Fuck, I can’t even be a housewife because there is no house and you’ll be gone all the time on missions and getting hurt and going to all sorts of new places. And that’s fine, you’re a good guy so of course you’re going to go save the world. It’s just that I’m nothing. While you were back under I realized I had nothing. Not a damn thing! You were all I had since I left home, not that I had too terribly much there either. But with you gone, Steve and Nat had to practically drag me out of the shadows to do something because I wouldn’t, couldn’t. That pisses me off so much because you deserve someone who isn’t a total loser and doesn’t mope around like a child but I can’t seem to do anything else. I’ve always been insignificant but I wanted to try so hard to be somebody for you. But then it hit me, anyone could wake you up from your nightmares, anyone could tell you it’s okay, anyone could cook the food, I’m nothing special. I’m still insignificant-” Bucky grabs my shoulder and pushes them roughly against the wall, ripping me from my rant. My eyes flash to his and he is VERY not pleased.

“ **No one** is going to talk about **my girl** like that, not even herself.” I look to the side, not wanting to meet his gaze. “Look at me, Lena.” Bucky’s voice is stern and when I refuse he releases one shoulder to grab my chin, pulling my gaze back. I look up at him, trying to glare but the tears and trembling lips don’t really help make the point that I’m trying to be angry. “You are **not** insignificant, **not** a loser. You can do so much, you know so much more than any other person-”

“That’s not true-!”

“Be quiet and listen.” He cuts me off with a glare. “Yeah, Steve knew me when we were kids and before all the shit happened. But guess what, I’m not that guy anymore, no matter how much he or I wish that I were. And yeah, Wanda’s seen it all, but all she’s only seen is what I’ve seen, what I’ve done. She doesn’t know what you know. She doesn’t know how I look when I see a new kind of treat that you made. She doesn’t know how to wake me up and make me calm down when I have a nightmare. She doesn’t know how to make me feel better when I’ve been thinking too much about stupid shit. She doesn’t know what it’s like to try and love someone who constantly fucks up everything no matter how much he tries to change. _She doesn’t know how to make Nutella pancakes._ ” He whispers the last part with a small smile even as tears fall down my face. “You do. You know all about **me**. Not Sargent James Barnes of the 107th from Brooklyn. Not the Winter Soldier. You know **everything** about Bucky, the poor guy who’d be very lost if it weren’t for one impressive, tiny woman with absolutely no sense of self preservation. I don’t want you to talk about yourself like you’re somehow less than everyone else. You’re being self-depreciating when there is no cause to be. I love you, Lena, because you are you. No one else can replace you, can do what you do. Alright?” His tone softens over his rant, still stern but not angry any more. When a choked off sob echoes in the hallway he pulls me into his arms, stroking my hair.

“I’m sorry!” I wail into his chest and he opens the door to our room, walking us in so as not to disturb the others.

“I know, doll. I forgive you.” I try to talk more, apologize more but I can’t manage to mutter a single word through the sobs. Bucky sits us down on the edge of the bed, not talking just holding me. I start to yawn in between sniffles and Bucky leans us back, tucking a blanket around us. “Go to sleep, Lena. I’ll see you in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	40. Chapter 40

Bucky is once again awake before me in the morning, watching me carefully, waiting for me to burst into tears again I suppose.

“I’m sorry, Bucky. I know I cry too much-” A metal finger covers my lips, stopping me from saying anything else.

“No more apologizing for stuff like that. I already forgave you.”

“But-”

“No but’s.” 

“Bucky-” He kisses me, pushing me back into the mattress. His hands explore under my shirt, tracing patterns across my skin before pulling back with a smile when I sigh. “I love you, Bucky...” I murmur breathlessly.

“That’s more like it. Now, how about some breakfast?”

“Breakfast sounds good...” Bucky pauses to take a look down at me before shakes his head.

“Clothes first, then breakfast.” With a tiny giggle I get up and get changed. Steve and Scott are already drinking coffee when we get to the kitchen, talking about something but both stop and greet us when we get close.

“Hey, Scott made some pancakes like you showed him how. We... We did try them, they weren’t that good... or very edible... To be honest, I think they were glowing radioactively.”

“Is that your subtle hint that you want my Lena to cook for you?” Scott and Steve both look desperately at me with huge eyes.

“Please!” They say in unison and I smile, pretending to think about it. They are just about to get on their hands and knees to beg when I say yes.

“Come on, Lena. You could have gotten them to do all sorts of stuff for you. That’s such a wasted opportunity...”

“Be nice, Bucky, or you’re going to have to beg for you food too.” His eyes narrow as he pulls me in close.

“You wouldn’t dare.” I smile up at him, quickly kissing his cheek before wiggling out of his reach and into the kitchen. I glance up at the guys once the food is cooking and sigh. Bucky looks more tense than he had been before, unsure of how to act in front of Steve and Scott. I’m just glad he’s talking, at least contributing a little, in other people’s conversations. It’ll be a while before he’s as comfortable around Steve and the rest of them as he is around me. A small, horrible part of me wishes that he never gets that comfortable because I don’t want him not to need me... I shove the thought down, scolding myself for even thinking it.

“Alright, here you fella’s go.” I bring over three heaping plates of food. There’s omelets, bacon, French toast, fresh fruit, and breakfast potatoes. They beam up at me and dig in, all talking brought to a halt as they stuff their faces.

I perch on Bucky’s lap, taking a few bites of his food. His metal arm comes up and wraps around me the second I sit, his thumb distractedly stroking over my hip. When all of them are done the conversation turns to Mr. Stark’s invitation of going to live at the Avengers Tower. 

Steve seems happy that Mr. Stark, Tony, has forgiven Bucky for what the Winter Soldier did to his parents. And he’s all for heading back, most of the buzz around them and the Accords having died down. Scott seems pretty positive about it too, that way he’ll be a little closer to his daughter. She’ll still be in San Francisco but at least he’d on the same continent as her, maybe she could come and visit. Bucky is silent, lost in thought. He rests his head on my shoulder as he thinks, his body in that motionless state he’s so good at.

“Buck?” When happy Steve turns to look at him, his sigh is almost too quiet to hear.  
“I... I don’t belong there, Steve. I’m not an Avenger, a good guy. I’m a-” I cut him off with an elbow in the gut, not hard enough to hurt, just enough to get him to stop. “Lena, as much as I appreciate how you think of me, I’ve still done awful things.”

“You haven’t. The Winter Soldier did, Hydra did.”

“Lena-” 

“She’s right, Buck.” Steve agrees with me, even Scott is nodding in agreement. Bucky sighs loudly this time, a long drawn out huff of air.

“Alright, I may not be a monster, according to you, but that doesn’t mean I’m a good guy or worthy to be an Avenger.”

“You saved me a whole bunch of times. From drunks, and punks, and crazy people, and Hydra, and Swat teams. That’s pretty good, right?” Steve and Scott nod and once again Bucky sighs.

“Lena, there’s a difference in saving you and other people. I love you, you’re all I had after I woke up, all I could depend on being there. Of course I’d save you-”

“What about that girl who was going to be raped in the alley when we were out getting a midnight snack that one time? You saved her.”

“That’s-”

“Or the kid at the park who got stuck in the tree and couldn’t get down? You saved him.” I twist myself until I’m straddling his waist and looking him dead in the face. My arms snake around his neck as I keep on listing just a fraction of all the good he’s done.

“Lena, those don’t-”

“Or that three legged dog that those punks we’re kicking around? He was saved too.”

“A dog isn’t-”

“Or the old lady who was getting mugged? She certainly felt saved, she thanked you for ten minutes straight.”

“It wasn’t-”

“Or when I was being a total klutz and knocked over the tray of cupcakes. You caught them just in time and saved those.”

“That is so not-”

“And I’m sure you saved Steve at least once when you fought Mr. Stark.” Steve nods

“That’s Steve, he’s-”

“And you saved you’re good arm, got the metal one blown off instead. By the way, that doesn’t really count as careful.” Steve and Scott try and muffle their laughter. 

“For fuck’s sake, Lena! Those are just thing’s anyone would do. They don’t make me good!” He growls, brows furrowed and eyes dark. 

“Really, anyone would do those things? There were other people who saw the girl about to be raped but no one stepped in to stop it, only you did. The same with the old lady getting mugged and the dog getting beat. There were other adults at the park who could have gotten the kid down, people I’m sure who knew the kid, but they just stood there, not paying attention or blowing off his crying as him trying to get attention. You were the one who stepped in and calmed the boy down, you were the one who caught him when he let go, you were the one he clung to for an hour after the fact. You, not anyone else. If all that- and that’s just the beginning of a lengthy list- doesn’t prove that you’re a good man than I don’t know what will.” Bucky is chewing the inside of his lip like he does when he’s thinking sometimes, eyes searching mine. I can see the hope there, the wish to believe what I said.

“Seriously, how in the hell did you get a girl like that?” Sam asks as he walks in, shaking his head. “For crying out loud, man...” He gets himself a plate of food before joining us at the table. Bucky slowly shakes his head with yet another sigh.

“I don’t know...”

“Yes, you do.” I kiss his cheek and grin. “So, Mr. Good-Guy, answer Steve’s question.” I lean in and snuggle my head into his shoulder, his cheek pressing into my hair.

“... Alright...” 

“Sam, you coming back to the Avenger’s Tower?” 

“Yeah, I need Tony to look at Redwing, I think there’s something wrong with the tracker but I can’t fix it.”

“Natasha?”

“Sure, but I think I’m going to stop by Clint’s place for a while first.”

“Wanda?” 

“Yeah, I’ll go. I want to see Vision... I mean, see everyone again.” I suppress the smile at her attempt to recover. 

“Alright then, let’s pack up. We’ll head out tomorrow.” The conversations turn to lighter subjects, bouncing from what types of music are the best to who could win at Mario Cart. Bucky stands, easily taking me with, and we head back to our room. I keep my arms around his neck and legs around his waist the whole way back, immensely enjoying how easily he can just carry me around.

“Thank you, Lena.” He murmurs as he kiss me gently. “I think you do more saving than I do...”

“No, I definitely don’t. No one’s afraid of a tiny blonde woman. And I would have gotten squished if I had tried to catch that kid.”

“You save me, though, all the damn time. And since I, evidently, save everyone else, you get some of the credit.”

“I don’t think it works like that.” My voice starts to get shaky as he kisses my ear and his hands start squeezing every curve. His low chuckle gives me shivers.

“Well, I do, so you’re just going to have to deal with it, doll.” We fall back onto the bed, a tangle of arms and legs. In seconds I’m a trembling mess at the mercy of his roaming hands and kisses. 

“We-we’re supposed t-to be packing, B-Bucky...”

“It can wait.” It’s certainly going to have to wait because neither of us are going to be able to do much for quite a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a longer chapter again. Too tired to feel guilty. :)
> 
> Hope you all enjoy.

“Are you sure we have to fly? Can’t we like... take a boat or something? Or swim? Swimming would be better... good exercise...” I still hate flying, anywhere on any kind of flying machine. A Quinjet is waiting for us and our small amounts of luggage and just the sight of it makes my insides shift uncomfortably. 

“Come on, doll. It’s perfectly safe.” Bucky tug’s me along but I dig my heels in, my stomach already threatening to empty out onto him. 

“But, but anything could go wrong. And if it does then we might explode, or fall from the sky, or burn to death, or suffocate, or the explosion will set us on fire as we fall from the sky suffocating because there is no oxygen in the upper atmosphere!” I say in one breath, Bucky looking slightly impressed but mostly concerned.

“You think I’d let all that happen to you?”

“No, you wouldn’t let it, but you can’t control everything.”

“Lena, look at me.” My eyes meet his and he gently takes my face in his large hands. I cover them with my own and try to steady my breathing. “Nothing is going to go wrong. And if it does, I’ll keep you safe, no matter what.” Bucky says seriously. 

“Alright...” I mutter reluctantly, bending under his intense gaze. “But swimming would be great exercise. You could probably make it too, being a super soldier and all... I could ride on your back, like you were a turtle.” The man rolls his eyes and continues to tug me towards the plane. 

I’m the only one sitting down and buckled in, everyone else just walking around and hanging out as we take off and fly to the Avengers Tower. Bucky, upon request, helped me get all the various straps in place, even defending me when the others started to tease me about it. 

Everyone was pretty happy about regrouping, I think they missed each other even if they don’t want to admit it. We land for a moment to drop off Nat at Clint’s place before we keep going. I had thought that eventually I would calm down as we flew, but that wasn’t the case. Every bump, every wiggle, every movement of the jet brought about a new wave of fear and nausea. I’m so sick by the time we reach the tower that everyone is rather worried about my health, every trace of teasing gone. 

Bucky gently unstraps me from the seat, wincing at the marks my nails had left on the edge of it, and picks me up. I hang on as tight as I can but I’m so worn out.

“Welcome back.” Mr. Stark greets us with a big smile and bright eyes. He goes on and on about all the new things as well as where everyone will be staying. Steve, Sam, Bucky, and I will all be sharing one floor. Vision, Wanda, and Nat when she returned would be sharing another. Clint and Rhodey had rooms set up for them should they ever have to stay away from home, Thor as well Bruce in the same position should they ever choose to visit. 

“Bucky... need to sleep... please...”

“What’s wrong with Itsy-Bitsy?”

“Lena.” Bucky corrects but Mr. Stark just shrugs. “She doesn’t like flying, had a tough time on the way here. If you’ll excuse us.” Mr. Stark points us to the elevator and we head off, Bucky being very careful not to bounce.

The elevator is almost too much for me. The feeling in my stomach flipping from the plane going up and down suddenly resurfacing. My knuckles are white as I grip Bucky’s shirt like my life depends on it. 

“Okay, Lena, almost there. I’m so proud of you for flying, you did so well.” Bucky’s soft voice sooths me as he starts walking again, hopefully avoiding any more elevators. 

“Don’t wanna fly again...” I slur out, not enough energy to open my eyes or form proper sentences, everything is spent on holding onto Bucky and not vomiting.

“Alright, baby doll...”

“That’s nice too...”

“Hmm?”

“Baby doll...” Bucky’s arms tighten around me in response. 

“Yeah?” I nod into his chest and I can feel rather than hear his chuckle. “You like doll, and baby doll, and being my best girl. Probably would like darlin’ and sweetheart too.” I nod again. “I’m glad you like all those because I love calling you them. You know what else I love calling you? Lena. That’s a pretty name. I ever told you that?” I shake my head, not remembering a time when he has but my brain is so befuddled right now I’m having a hard time remembering where we are. “Well, that’s a shame.” He continues to talk softly as he walks, the sound of his voice rumbling under my ear putting me to sleep.

~~~~~

When I wake up in a big bed all by myself I start to freak out. This room doesn’t look familiar, doesn’t smell familiar, doesn’t feel familiar.  
Where’s Bucky? I roll over, looking around the large room for him. It’s completely dark in here but my body says it should be the middle of the day.  
Where am I?

The soft click of a door shutting draws my attention and my eyes flicker over to the sound, squinting as I try and see. 

“Lena, you awake?” A familiar voice whispers and the tension instantly melts away. 

Bucky.

“Yeah...”

“You can sleep some more, you had a rough day.” A quick nod is given but when I remember that he probably can’t see me I mumble a soft yes. When I start to think about it my entire body begins to feel heavy again, not recovered from whatever had gotten me into this state.

“Stay here, please?”

“Anything for you, doll.” The large bed dips, the soft mattress easily giving under Bucky’s weight. Two arms, comfortingly mismatched, pull me into a warm chest where I relax. “I’ll be here the whole time, don’t worry.” He whispers as I drift off again, too tired to do more than smile at his words.

~~~~~

“Come on, doll. Time to wake up. Tony want’s to show us around before he goes on a mission with Vision.” Bucky murmurs softly in my ear, his hands trailing through my hair leisurely. With a tiny moan I arch my back, trying to stretch out my body. I smile up at Bucky when I finally get my eyes open, his bright blues eyes looking down intensely. “Don’t do that in front of anyone else.” I just roll my eyes and sit up.

“Because there are so many other people I see first thing in the morning.” 

“I’m just saying...”

“Okay, Bucky, whatever you say.” I lean over and steal a quick kiss before sliding out of bed and stretching some more. I remember now, the plane ride, the tower, the sickness. I’ve decided I’m just not good at making first impressions, Mr. Stark probably thinks I’m pathetic. 

In the bathroom I quickly drag a brush through my hair, not really bothering to try and look put together. I won’t be fooling anyone, they saw me sicker than sick yesterday... I can’t find my toothbrush, which really bugs me, I know I packed it... I didn’t have much else to pack...

“You coming, Lena?”

“Yeah...” A deep frown is etched into my face and I sigh, settling for just using the mouth wash on the counter. I slide my eyes shut before popping them open and smiling as bright as I can manage. Let’s go meet people and wander around a huge building where I really don’t belong! Yay!

Tony is waiting with Scott and Steve, who I think is mainly coming along because Bucky is going. They all smile when they see us, Tony giving an exasperated sigh.

“I thought you guys were never coming. Be honest, it took Heavy Metal there a while to fix his hair, didn’t it.” Mr. Stark says with a teasing grin and Bucky rolls his eyes, his hand tightening ever so slightly around my own. “Itsy-Bitsy, you look better.” I pause for a second. Itsy-Bitsy? That’s my nickname here? Am I really that tiny?

“Thanks...” He nods before turning on his heal and starting the tour. First we go through our floor, where the group kitchen is along with the dining room and living room, Mr. Stark explaining that it’s a pretty similar set up on all the living floors. Then we are shown the stairs that’ll lead down to the training room as well as the ones that lead up to the others floors. We already know where the elevators are, or at least Bucky does.

When a female voice speaks from somewhere above and around us, informing Mr. Stark it’s time to leave, he heads off, leaving the four of us standing in the training room. There is a moment of awkward silence before Steve turns to Bucky with a smile.

“Wanna do some training?” Bucky hesitates for only a moment before nodding. The looks that passes over Steve’s face couldn’t be any happier if he tried. We head back, Steve and Bucky needing to change. Scott says he’ll sit with me and watch them, not much else for him to do.

The door clicks shut behind us and Bucky stands there, looking at the ground thoughtfully. I let him think for a bit before stepping closer and running a hand up his new arm.

“Something the matter?” With a heavy sigh Bucky shakes his head. “Yeah, that totally convinced me that nothing’s wrong...” Out of the corner of his eye he glances at me, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“It’s just... it’s been more than seventy years since I trained with Steve. I’m not the same, not in the least. I just, I keep getting all these reminders that I’m not James Buchanan Barnes, that I’m not the kid Steve grew up with. I remember him, I try and be him for Steve and everyone else because that’s what they expect, what they want. But it feels... wrong...”

“Bucky, how many times have I told you that you don’t have to be him again? Hmm?” I step in front of him, placing a hand on each rough cheek and looking straight into his brilliantly blue eyes. Seriously, I could look at them all day... “You’re not the same man as you were before Hydra got their claws in you. That was bound to happen, they tend to breakdown anything good. I don’t care if Steve wants Sargent James Barnes. Who the crap is he to decide who you should to be? If Steve decides that he doesn’t want you here because you’re not his James then that’s his loss, he can just piss off. And if he ever tells you that you need to be more like the old Bucky, that he doesn’t want the current Bucky that pulled through the absolute hell he was subjected to, I will personally kick his ass for you. I mean, I wouldn’t succeed, he’d probably punch me through the wall, but I totally do it for you, sweetie.” The grin that’s plastered to my face is childish but it does the trick, Bucky smiles back.

“Please don’t try and kick his ass. I don’t want you hurt unnecessarily.”

“It wouldn’t be unnecessary if he treats you like that.”

“You’re one in a million, Lena.”

“I doubt that, but thank you. Now go get changed fast or there will be more rumors going around about how long it takes you to get ready.” Bucky rolls his eyes and dashes off, already stripping off his clothes.

I was serious when I said I’d kick Steve’s ass if he said anything of the sort to Bucky. I don’t care if he would beat me to a pulp in seconds flat, I’m not going to let him get away with crap like that. Not that I think he will, Steve was pretty nice during the time we spent in Wakanda. I don’t think he’s expecting Bucky to go back to his old self completely, I think he’s just happy that Bucky’s alive and in one piece. The fact that Bucky can remember some stuff from the past is just an added bonus.

But if that view ever changes then shits going to go down.

“Come on, slow poke! Is the old age kicking in? Achy joints? Forgetfulness?” I holler, giggling when Bucky pokes his head around the corner to glare at me. “Any day now...” With a low growl he makes a mad dash around the corner, scooping me up before I can get behind the closet door. Bucky tosses me over a shoulders like a sack of potatoes, growling the whole time.

“Old age, huh?” He tosses me onto the bed, my small frame bouncing a few times before he settles over me, his larger body boxing me in. “We’ll see who’s got the achy joints by the end of this.” Bucky’s wolfish grin alone makes me shiver, the heat in his eyes seeping into every corner of my body.

“Bucky, wait! You’ve- you’ve gotta go train with Steve! Remember?” I hold my hands up, smiling and blushing all at once. Bucky’s eyes narrow as he sighs, moving back reluctantly.

“Fine, tonight then.” Butterflies fill my stomach, and I’m seriously wondering if I shouldn’t have teased him. One of these days I’m going to learn... or maybe not. It’s more fun to tease him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	42. Chapter 42

Steve and Scott are waiting for us in the training room, talking quietly amongst themselves, until we walk in. Once again the smile on Steve’s face is bright and happy, beyond thrilled that his friend is here with him. They both head over to the mats while Scott and I take a seat off to the side.

“Did you get a hold of your ex-wife about Cassie?”

“Yeah, they’re gonna visit in a few days. I can’t wait! I’ve got another present, this time it’s a freaky looking teddy bear.”

“I don’t want to see it, it’ll give me nightmares.” Scott laughs as I shudder, remembering the rabbit from the photo he showed me. When Steve and Bucky start we both stop talking, watching in awe.

Saying they are fast is an understatement.

I just keep getting surprised when I see Bucky fight. When he trained with me I thought he was fast, and he was, but it was nothing to how fast he was when he fought drunks in the alley who would make a move on me back in Romania. Which is nothing compared to how fast he’s moving now. And Steve is easily keeping pace, both of them having been enhanced.

They are pretty equally matched, Steve is a little quicker but Bucky is a little stronger. Bucky’s also got his metal arm which is an advantage. They exchange blows and blocks easily, both of them starting to sweat but neither of them backing down.

“Jeez, I wish I could fight like that.” Scott says from next to me. I shake my head.

“You’re pretty cool, Scott. You can shrink and grow and stuff. That’s awesome.”

“But do you see them? It’s insane! I like to think I’m pretty quick but damn, not when I see them.”

“They both went through a lot to get here though, most of it not a pleasant journey...” Scott nods, both of us going back to watch them.

After five more minutes of sparing they take a break, both of them drenched in sweat but smiling through panting breaths. They chug water, talking when they could get the words out. I pull out a hair tie from my pocket and wave it in the air after calling out to Bucky.

“You want it?” He nods and I stand up to walk over, carefully watching where I was going so I didn’t trip over the mats. Bucky plops onto the ground, his back to me, and waits for me to fix his hair. “You can totally do this by yourself Bucky.” He shrugs and continues to wait. I pull it back like usual, before heading back towards Scott.

They start up again but this time I try and predict their moves. I’m pretty darn bad at it but I still try. The problem is that I can predict their moves if I had time to think, but by the time I see what they are doing and make a counter move in my head they are already three moves past it.

The long sparing session finally ends with Bucky pinning Steve to the floor. Once they both relax Bucky holds out a hand to help Steve up from the mats. They share a smile, Bucky looking more relaxed around Steve than he ever had before.

“I think it’s time for lunch.” Steve says as the both of them walk over to Scott and I.

“Yeah, I haven’t even done anything and I’m hungry. Seriously, you super soldiers are just crazy...” Steve and Bucky smile at Scott’s comments and I chuckle along with them.

“You guys are going to take a shower first. I’m not sitting next to any super sweat super soldiers for lunch.” There is a glint in Bucky’s eyes and I immediately start backing away. “Bucky... What are you planning?” His smile grows and he stalk towards me. “You seriously need to take a shower, don’t even think-!” He dives forward, easily catching me in his arms. **“BUCKY!!** ” His name comes out as a squeal, my body trying to pull away from him. “Gross, you’re all sweaty. You’re getting my sweaty! Let go!” He laughs, rubbing his face into my neck.

“It’s not so bad.” He chuckles, joining the other two men who are already laughing hard at the scene before them.

By some miracle I manage to squirm out of his grip and I take off running. I can hear Bucky behind me along with the yell from Scott not to take too long. The super sweaty super soldier isn’t even really trying to catch me, he could easily outrun me after all. He just wants to enjoy the chase.

“Lena, you’re not going to get away from me.” He calls out in a singsong voice and I run that much faster. I take a quick duck and slide into the elevator just as it closes. I can just see Bucky rounding the corner as the doors shut. I sigh, leaning against the wall. When someone clears their throat quietly I turn to see Wanda there.

“Hey, sorry... Bucky... chasing me... sweaty...” I pant out, making hand motions that really probably just confused her more. She smiles.

“You are good for him.”

“Um... Thanks...?” Wanda nods again before looking forwards. She gets out on her floor, wishing that I would have a good rest of the day, before I push the button for my floor. I should get there before Bucky, there are quite a few flights of stairs between here and where I left him. The elevator dings and the doors slide open, revealing Bucky. He’s standing there waiting patiently, arms crossed over his chest as he grins.

“You’re too predictable, doll.” He moves in as I move back, my body pressing into the wall. When the doors shut and the elevator starts moving again he pushes a button, making the lights dim to almost off and the movement of the elevator stop. “Too easy to trap...” Bucky purr’s as he closes in on me, his blue eyes full of heated emotion.

His lips meet mine in a frenzy, the kisses hot and overwhelming, my body trembling against his and he lifts me up. Bucky’s hips pin me to the wall, his hands exploring under my top, the hot and the cold fingers moving in synchrony quickly make me forget the reason I was running in the first place. The world could end right now and neither of us would notice, would care. All that mattered was the man kissing the life out of me.

“Bucky, we have to...” I try and think rationally, trying to remember what we had to do. It was something important but God, his lips kissing and biting and sucking on my neck make it very hard to do anything but whimper and moan.

“Lena, my Lena... All mine...” Bucky’s sandpapery voice whispers against my skin and a shudder tears through me, my head falling back and banging against the wall almost painfully. He keeps murmuring, his human hand trailing up and cupping my head so I wouldn’t hurt myself.

“Need to... lunch... Bucky...” His response is to hum, a sigh mixed in. After a few more kisses he releases me, starting the elevator again. When it reaches our floor again Bucky gently tugs me out of the elevator and over to our room.

If that was a preview for what’s going to happen tonight, I am most definitely going to be sore in the morning...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short-ish chapter you guys. It's just that school is starting back up and my college schedule is making me want to pull my hair out.
> 
> You guys really are the best. :)

To no one’s surprise I am so very sore in the morning, in places I didn’t know you could be sore in. Bucky is still asleep when I wake up and, after a persistent dull pain burns through my muscles at movement, I manage to roll over and face him. His hair is messy, most of it behind his head but a few errant strands hang in his face, moving when he would breathe in and out. 

My eyes fall to his lips and I softly shake my head. Really, more kissable lips could never be found on this planet. My cheeks start to flush pink when I think about all that those lips had done last night. 

Good freaking lord, stop thinking about that!

“What’re ya thinkin’ about doll?” His voice, rougher than normal and rumbling in his chest, draws my eyes up to his. The blue eyes I meet are half lidded and warm, watching me closely as those lips pull up into a wicked grin. I swallow past the lump in my throat and take a steadying breath.

“That I need a shower.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hm.” His arms snake around me and pull me close, lips ghosting over my forehead. 

“You were turning that lovely shade of pink because you need a shower? I find that hard to believe... You should know better than to lie to me, baby doll.” 

“Well... I do need a shower, that’s not a lie.”

“But that’s not what you were thinking about before...” Bucky kisses my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

“Bucky, we really can’t do anything else, I’m too sore. I’m sorry I teased you about your age that time, you’re not a day over 21. No achy joints, no loss of memory, nothing.” I whine, trying to moving away. With a soft chuckle Bucky rolls off the bed and scoops me into his arm, being infinitely gentle. 

“Let’s go get cleaned up, doll.” Once in the bathroom he starts the bath, filling the tub with hot water and bubbles. “I didn’t hurt you or anything, right?” I can hear the worry in his voice as he settles me into the tub.

"No, nothing like that. You just proved your point rather well, Mr. Barnes. I’ll be just fine tomorrow. Today I’m just going to chill in bed because I don’t think I can walk.” Bucky sighs and I turn my head to the side and grin, my cheeks already starting to heat up. “It was a nice night, though.” After a moment Bucky snickers and kisses my ear.

“Only nice? I obviously didn’t try hard enough...” More blood rushes to my face as I gulp.

“It was a wonderful, amazing, mind blowing, earth shattering, time stopping, phenomenal night.” I hastily correct and Bucky laughs again.

“That’s more like it. Come on doll, pass me the shampoo.” Bucky slides in behind me and starts to wash my hair. The amazing feeling of someone washing my hair coupled with the hot water surrounding me pulls the achiness from my body.

“I should get you to baby me more often...” The words float out on a content sigh, resting in the steamy air around us.

“Just say the word, sweetheart. I don’t mind taking care of you one bit.” I hum in pure bliss when his hands slip to my shoulders and start to rub the sore muscles. “I want to always take care of you...” He pauses for a moment before I feel him nod. “I’m going to marry you.” 

My heart stops as those words sit in the air. 

“You... You want to marry me?” I whisper, craning my neck so I could see him. The answering smile actually makes me whimper.

“Any guy would love to marry you, Lena. But too bad for them I’m going to beat them to it.” It’s not a question, not a choice. The only place to go from here is there. We both know that. We don’t need some fancy ceremony with tons of people and flowers and stuff. We just need each other forever.

Oh God, I’m going to be married...

I’d be lying if I said I never dreamed about it. I just was never sure he wanted that too. Things were pretty darn perfect as they were, why bother changing anything. But now... jeez, I’m going to be smiling all day.

After a slow kiss he starts to massage my shoulders again. Once I’m completely turned into jelly I just lean back against his chest as he washes his own hair. I could sleep here...

“Hey Bucky?” 

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.” I murmur, twisting myself so I can curl into him. 

“My pleasure, doll.” I can’t move when he stand, picking me up and stepping out of the glorious water. I try to, I really do, but I just feel so good right now that it would take an explosion to get me out of my blissed out state.

Once we’re dried off and he pulls one over his shirts over my head he carries me back to the bed, joining me seconds later. Bucky snuggles me close, face pressed into my damp hair. 

“You hungry?”

“A little, but I’d rather just lay here with you.” He smiles, hugging me that much tighter.

“Me too.”

So our entire day is spent in bed, just relaxing in each other’s presence. Our time is only momentarily interrupted when Bucky got up to get us snacks.

~~~~~

It’s been two months here and everything is finally settled into a state of semi-normalcy. Our wedding was small and private, only a handful of people there. We went out for a nice dinner with everyone, not wanting to have a whole party, and that night was perfect. Everything is perfect.

Bucky will go on the occasional secret mission with Steve and the others, being careful to stay out of the public eye. He’ll come back and we’ll just hang out for a time before he goes on another. He’s starting to relax a bit more around the others but not when they are all there at once. One or two non-Lena and non-Steve people at a time is his limit.

“Itsy-Bitsy! Are you making something for breakfast?” Mr. Stark’s voice yells through the PA system. I smile when Bucky corrects him under his breath for the umpteenth time. 

“Yes, I am, Mr. Stark.” I say in a normal voice, knowing he could hear me. 

“Great! We’re all coming down, hope you made a lot.” I look down at the two omelets and sigh. Bucky is about to say something but instead he just stays silent and helps me start to grab ingredients for a grand breakfast. When a booming voice I don’t recognize echoes down the hall I turn and look at the approaching group. 

Mr. Stark is there, joking with Clint about something, both of them laughing hard, almost to the point of falling over. Nat is behind them, standing close to a timid looking man with dark hair and glasses. Behind them Vision is walking arm in arm with Wanda and talking to Thor. My eyes widen and I almost drop the mixing bowl full of batter. That’s Thor from flipping Norse mythology walking in, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. A god is going to be eating my cooking. A young man comes rushing in too, excitedly asking about Bucky’s arm, putting my poor husband on the spot. Sam is the last to trail in, rubbing the last of some sleep from his eyes as he calls out to Scott.

“That’s so cool, dude. Really! I was um, was talking to Mr. Stark earlier, about your arm, the new one. He said you could feel with it now. Can you?” 

“Um, who are you kid?” Bucky asks, his body tight with tension as he leans slightly away from the boy. I put the bowl on the counter as I stir and press my free hand against his back, rubbing slow gentle circles against his tense muscles.

“Oh! I’m Peter. Peter Parker. We met earlier, when I was fighting you. Sorry about that, by the way. I’m Spider-Man.” I peek out the corner of my eyes and see Bucky raise an eyebrow and I smother my snicker. He look barely over 16, man is not the word I would use to describe him. 

“Right, the kid with that webbing stuff.” 

“Yeah, that’s me.” Bucky tries very hard to get out of the conversation but Peter is just too excited to take a hint. 

“Peter, come here for a sec.” Mr. Stark calls, sitting on the couch in the living room. Peter dashes off, looking more than happy to be included in the group.

“What’s Tony thinking? That kid look barely old enough to drive...” I shrug and pass him the fruit and a knife.

“Cut those up for me, please?”

“How small?”

“Bite size, it’s going to be a fruit salad. And I’m making pancakes, French toast, bacon, sausage, breakfast potatoes, omelets, fried onions and peppers, and some cinnamon rolls. I’m sorry Bucky, our little breakfast seems to have been hijacked.” He shakes his head, looking down at me with a proud smile before kissing my cheek.

“You’re too nice to them.”

“No, I don’t think so. I’m living off of you guys and your world saving, the least I can do is cook for everyone once in a while.” 

“Hmm, no, still too nice. But that’s just who you are, isn’t it? You’ve got the biggest heart here.” I shrug, trying to force the blush to leave my cheeks. “And you’re the prettiest.” He whispers low in my ear before turning and starting to slice the fruit.

God, he just likes making me blush!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this got past 3000 hits... maybe that's not a lot when compared to other stories but I literally thought that maybe 15 people were going to read this story and that was all. 
> 
> Thanks, as always, for being so wonderful in the comments and for reading this story, for sticking with it. :D

I buzz around the kitchen, making sure everything is cooking correctly. Bucky helps me get everything on big plates to put on the table, feeling infinitely more comfortable here with me than socializing with everyone else.

“Okay, um, everybody.” I say, standing at the edge of the kitchen. I really need to talk louder but then everyone is going to look at me... It’s okay, Lena, you can do this. Don’t think of them as super heroes and gods, they are just normal people... who live in a huge tower and save the world on an almost daily basis... They aren’t going to bite you, just raise your voice and tell them it’s time to eat... You can-

“Guys, it’s time to eat.” Bucky’s suddenly loud voice cuts me off and makes me jump. Everyone stands up at once, plopping down into seats around the large table, thankfully Bucky had put in the leaf to extend it, otherwise not everyone would have fit.

We bring over all the dishes before sitting down near Nat and the man I am suspecting to be Bruce Banner. After making sure everyone had food I dish up my own, sticking with some berries, bacon, and a pancake.

“Thanks, Itsy-Bitsy.” Mr. Stark says after eating half of his plate.

“Yes, thank you tiny woman.” Thor booms and I smile at them both, muttering a soft you’re welcome. Bucky nudges my shoulder with a proud smiles lighting up his face. He is constantly eating, slowly chewing every bite to avoid talking with a very excited Peter.

“Hey,” Nat taps on my shoulder and I turn to look at her. “This is Bruce.” She leans back and motions to the man with glasses. He leans forward just a bit, holding his hand out.

“I’m Bruce, I mean... well, you learned that just now from Natasha... um...”

“I’m Lena Barnes.”

“Barnes?”

“Yeah, Barnes. I’m married to Bucky.” My dear, tense husband leans over and shakes Bruce’s outstretched hand.

“Bucky Barnes? Steve’s old friend? Wow, um... wow...” Bucky manages an awkward smile through a mouthful waffle as he nods.

The bubble of noise stays at a constant level, Thor’s voice standing out among the rest. I finish my plate, only eating half of the pancake, there are too many people here for me to really relax, especially since I don’t know them well. I slide my chair closer to Bucky and lean against his shoulder, the metal hand instantly moving and resting on my leg.

When the food has all vanished from the table Mr. Stark start laying out the details for a mission they are going on. He’s fudging on the accords, bringing in Steve and the others in on it. From what I’ve heard it’s going to be tough, not just a normal storm-the-base-and-stop-the-bad-guys.

“Alright, F.R.I.D.A.Y, can you show them the pictures?” From God knows where a camera drops down and starts to project against the wall. It’s a huge complex, lots of building surrounded by walls and barbed wires. Tons of people marching around, lots of guns and stuff. Just looking at the still picture is making me nervous. I don’t want Bucky going in there...! “We’re gonna need everyone to bring their A-game for this. This isn’t some small time Hydra base we’re taking down this time. This is beyond them and their flimsy attempts to reform. The tough part comes in the fact that we need to transfer over the data from their servers. It’s too encrypted and there’s too much to just take a flash drive and copy over the files. I’m going to have to send it out, make something that can handle sending that much as well something that can pick it up and store it safely. We’ve got three weeks. Train and plan and all that shit.” He makes it sound like it’ll be a breeze, like preparing for something like this is just a walk in a park.

The team takes it all in stride, making plans to train and spar with each other as well as making times to work out the planning and such. I look at the picture on the wall one last time before standing up with shaky legs and starting to clear the table. The plates clink together softly as I carry them, my hands in no better position than my legs.

“Hey,” Bucky says softly, taking the dishes from me and setting them on the counter. “Are you okay?” I nod, not looking at him as I head back to the table to grab more dishes. Everyone is either too busy talking or too polite to stare as my hands continue to shake with the dishes.

As I walk back I think about all the things that could go wrong, all the things that could take Bucky and all my new friends away from me, all the ways they could end up hurt. Once the second trip of dishes are set down Bucky whisks me off to the side, trapping me against the wall with his arms.

“Lena...” He whisper and I finally meet his gaze, tears already blurring the image of him.

“You’re going to be okay.” My voice wavers as I talk, my hands raising to take a hold of the front of his shirt.

“Of course I’m going to be okay.”

“Everyone else will be okay too.”

“Yes, they will.”

“They’ll keep you safe, watch your back, right?”

“Yeah. And I’ll watch theirs.” I nod stuffing my anxiety back down into my chest. With a deep breath I lean forwards and quickly hug Bucky. His returning hug is warm and wonderful, he’s a really good hugger...

“Help me with the dishes?”

“Anything for you.” We head back in and everyone suddenly turns back to each other, like they hadn’t been listening to us. A blush rises to my cheeks but I just keep working. With Bucky’s help, and Bruce when he joins us, we are done in no time at all. “Alright, doll, I’m going to go spar with the others. I’ll see you tonight?” I nod, giving him a quick kiss before watching him run over to Steve.

“You guys, um... You guys are a good pair.” Bruce says, startling me. “Sorry...”

“No, it’s alright. Aren’t you going with everyone else?”

“I don’t... don’t really train...” Oh, right... God, I look like a jerk now!

“I’m sorry, I forgot-”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Do you think you could show me where my room is, or at least what floor it’s on? This place has changed since the last time I was here.”

“Sure, this way.” We keep up a pleasant stream of meaningless chitchat as we walk, talking about the weather, the layout of the building, favorite’s foods and such, both of us staying away from any sort of heavy topics. “It’s this one I think.”

“Thank you very much, Mrs. Barnes.”

“Just Lena is fine. Unless you want to call me Mrs. Barnes, or whatever. I mean, I guess you probably don’t have preference for what to call people but you know, if you do, it’s fine. I just... Have a nice day.” I dash off, my face burning as I scream at myself.

What was that?! That was **painful** it was so embarrassing! Ugh, now he’s gonna think you're some idiot who can only cook, maybe not even that. What if they didn’t like the food and were just being nice?  
Shut up, you know that’s not true, Lena. Stop being dumb and go do something useful.

I wander for a bit, lost without anything that needs to be done and no one to talk with. The YouTube, as Bucky calls it every time no matter how I correct him, seems like as good a thing to do as any to waste time on. I grab my laptop and plop down in one of the big comfy chairs in the living room, the plush cushions swallowing up my tiny frame.

Music videos is what I start out watching, mostly the lyric versions. My mind relaxes as I listen, the beats and melodies helping me forget about what’s going to happen in a few weeks. Then the auto-play somehow ends up with me watching some comedy group. After two of their video’s I’m nearly falling out of the chair laughing.

I don’t know how many more video’s I watch but when I look up again Bucky, Steve and Thor are all watching me with big smiles as the sky darkens outside the window. The embarrassment from being watched didn’t even dampen my mood.

“Hi fella’s! How was training?” I move and sit up, setting my laptop on the armrest. With bright eyes I look up at the men, waiting for an answer.

“Your wife is very beautiful, Bucky.” Thor’s loud voice echoes, maybe it’ll always be like that. Hopefully I get used to it...

“Don’t I know it...”

“Training was good, Lena. How was your day?”

“Oh, good, I guess. I was watching YouTube, there was this one comedy group that was really great. I think I watched all of the videos, I’ll have to show you a couple of them some time. Are you guy’s hungry?”

“Well, we were thinking that we would go out. Tony was thinking a relaxing night out would be good. Plus you cooked breakfast so he thought he’d give you a break.” Steve explains as he and Thor sit on the nearby couch, Bucky choosing to sit next to me on the free armrest.

“Oh, okay. That sounds like fun. Right, Bucky?” His hand, which had been trailing through my hair leisurely, stops and tangles up into a fist.

“Y-yeah...” I lean to the side, resting my shoulder against his thigh and give him a sympathetic smile.

“Then you shall both be joining us?” Thor asks, excitement evident in his voice and his eyes bright.

“You don’t have to, Buck.” Steve reminds his friend with a gentle smile.

“We’ll go.” Bucky nods and I nod along with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	45. Chapter 45

“Let’s go guys! We’re leaving in fifteen!” Mr. Stark’s voice says from the speakers and we all head off to get ready.

“Hey, you sure you wanna go? I don’t mind cooking something for the both of us?”

“It’s fine, doll. I just... I don’t want anyone to suddenly recognize me and put everyone else at rick because of it. To you people I might be an okay guy, but the world still sees a monster, which they rightly should...”

“Bucky...” I wrap my arms around him from behind, pressing my face into his back. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Lena.”

“You’re not a monster.” He doesn’t say anything back for a long moment.

“...I was...”

“No, the Winter Soldier was, Hydra was, Bucky Barnes was never a monster, ever. So please don’t say that you are...”

“I’m sorry, doll.” He turns around in my arms and hugs me close. “Alright, enough moping. Let’s get ready for this long night out.” I nod and we both head off to find clothes.

When I look in my closet I’m a little distressed. Knowing Mr. Stark it’s probably going to be some fancy pants place. A place where skinny jeans and plaid tops don’t cut it. Bucky’s in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door. Nat is there with a wicked smile. She grabs my wrist and tugs me out.

“Tell your husband you’ll be back.”

“Wha-”

“Come on!”

“I’ll be right back Bucky!” Nat drags me out of my room, up the stairs, and straight into her room. “Nat, what’re you doing?”

“You know you don’t have any clothes to wear for dinner. So, I’ll help you out. I’ve got some stuff for just such an occasion.” She rushes to the closet, swishing past all kind of dresses before snagging one and handing it out to me.

It’s strapless with a sweetheart neckline, the bodice of the black dress covered in a swirling pattern of what looks like peacock feathers, complete with sparkling blue little gems and shiny green and gold thread. Where the top is more form fitting, below the wait the fabric flows out in several light layers, the front of the dress being shorter than the back. I take it in for a moment before shaking my head vigorously.

“I-I-I... This is... You can’t... It’s won’t... I-” Nat shushes me and pushes be towards the bathroom to change while she herself slipped into her dress. Not wanting to upset Nat and knowing that I don’t have any other choices I slip into the dress, more than a little shocked that it fit me. Nat has way more curves than I do. Did she get it just for me?

“Come on, we still have to do something with your hair.” Nat is sufficiently pleased with how the dress fits, and I don’t know what she does but my long hair is falling in soft waves, framing my face perfectly.

“How did you-” I’m cut off when she smears some lip gloss on before stepping around me and quickly doing her own hair and makeup. Nat’s a miracle worker, she has to be. I’ve never looked this good.

“Come on, strut you stuff, Mrs. Barnes. We’ve gotta show the boys what we can do.”

“Nat, I’ve never strut, I don’t have stuff to strut. There’s a reason I don’t wear dresses and the like. I don’t look good, the boys at school were never impressed. I went to a dance once, I tried to at least. They called me ugly and I ran home. I know I’m not cut out for girly stuff.” I keep rambling as she pulls me through the halls. “And it’s alright, I don’t mind. Maybe I’ll just tell them I’m not feeling well. Nat, please,” The fear, the feeling of heart stopping anxiety settles in my gut and I feel so very sick, telling them I am wouldn’t even be a lie. “I don’t want them to look down on me again, Nat. I’m not like you, I’m not naturally stunning in any outfit.”

“I’ve gotta disagree with you there, doll.” The familiar voice and endearment pull me from my downward spiral and I look up at Bucky. He’s wearing a dark suit, a gray shirt under the jacket, the look completed with a tie and dress shoes. His hair is pulled back and God he looks so darn good, my knees are literally shaking just looking at him. “You are absolutely stunning. Thanks, Natasha.” Even as Bucky thanks the smiling spy his eyes never leave me.

“I don’t... dresses... they’re...”

“Come here, sweetheart.” Bucky’s open arms look so darn appealing that I can’t not run to them. The warm hug and familiar scent of him smooths over my frazzled nerves. “I almost don’t want to let you go when you look this good. I don’t need other guys thinking they can have you.”

“Let’s head out, guys!” Mr. Stark shouts from down the hall and we all head for the elevators. Bucky holds me close to his side the whole time, his hand never stopping it’s soothing motion of tracing over my hip.

~~~~~

Mr. Stark thought a head for once and had the whole back room of a restaurant reserved, well away from most of the public eye. The waiter seemed perfectly at ease with the huge group of super people sitting at his table, taking orders smoothly.

You know it’s a fancy and expensive place when they don’t put how much the food costs on the menu. Also when you can’t pronounce most of the items on said menu. When the nicely dressed man walks over to where Bucky and I are sitting we both just blanch, neither of us comfortable. Nat, bless her soul, orders some wine for us and the waiter moves on with a quick nod.

“T-thanks, Nat...” She nods before turning to Bruce and laughing at something he said. Everyone looks happy, talking with one another about God knows what as Bucky and I sit there wishing that we would have stayed home. I find his metal hand under the table and frantically grab it. When we both smile uncomfortably at each other we break down into giggles.

“I don’t know what any of this is, doll.” He whispers and I nod.

“Me either, and I thought I was pretty good with food. I thought I had a pretty good number of different dishes but this makes me feel like my cooking is the dollar menu at McDonalds...”

“That’s a bunch of bull. Everyone knows home cooked meals are better than any fancy restaurant.”

“Wait until after you taste theirs before you say that, Mr. Barnes, you might change your mind.”

“No, Mrs. Barnes, I don’t think I will.” He murmur’s low in his chest, kissing my cheek with a happy grin. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. I never knew I’d like being called by my married name so much when I finally got married. My homework in middle and high school was never covered in my name and the last name of a crush, it just never suited me, I didn’t care about it. But now, now I couldn’t be happier to be called Mrs. Barnes all the live long day.

When the wine comes out I make a promise to myself to only have two glasses, I make sure that Bucky will stop me after that. I don’t want to get drunk here of all places, in front of everyone... As the meal progresses I can feel myself getting tipsier and tipsier. I start talking with the others, making sure to pull Bucky into the conversations, trying my best to get him to feel more at ease. By the end of the meal he’s talking with the others easily, his shoulders not half as tense as they had been when we got here.

They let us out the back door when we finally decide it’s time to head back to the tower. Bucky helps me walk because even with the two glasses wine, and a few sips of Bucky’s, I’m having trouble walking straight. We are almost to the car when an angry woman comes storming up to Bucky and I, pushing past everyone else.

“ **You!** How dare you show your face, you monster! **How dare you!** You think you’re safe with you precious Captain looking out for you, you think that they aren’t going to find you and put you where you belong? You’re a villain, you’re just as bad as that Loki who brought the alien army.” Bucky shrinks back, his face going shifting from happy and relaxed to guilty and broken, his eyes drifting off to another time. Everyone starts to move, trying to get between Bucky and this woman, but I beat them to it, rage burning through my veins.

“Shut you Goddamn mouth! How dare **you**. I’m only going to say this once so you had better pay attention, you ignorant piece of shit. A villain is someone who’s malicious and gives everything to ruining good, to wickedness, using others to further their gain. A victim is someone who is deceived by other’s dishonesty, someone who is used. Loki is a villain masquerading as a victim, Bucky was a victim forced to play the villain. Don’t you dare come here and talk to him like he doesn’t fight his demons every time he opens his eyes in the morning, like he doesn’t wake up at night from awful nightmares of what the Winter Soldier was forced to do. **You can just fuck off.** ” I get up in her face, glaring as I practically snarl at her.

Everyone behind me in silent for a moment before Mr. Stark and Steve step forward and Bucky tugs me back. He hugs me desperately and I hug back, quickly forgetting about the woman.

“The kid’s right, you need to open your mind. If I can forgive the man then sure you can let go of whatever the hell brought this on. Now if you’ll excuse us.” We all get into the giant limo thing, Bucky keeping me pressed tight to his chest the rest of the drive.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you angry, Lena.” Nat says looking at me in awe.

“No kidding, Itsy-Bitsy can be scary. Who knew? Remind me not to get on your bad side...”

“She kinda reminds me of Steve. Threaten Bucky and you’ve got at least two people who will lose it and fight you ‘til you repent.” Nat leans into Bruce, smiling smugly at Steve and I. I roll my eyes and lean into Bucky more.

“She was being stupid. No body’s going to talk to Bucky like that for no reason out of the blue. Screw her...”

“It doesn’t help that’s Lena’s a bit drunk right now.” Bucky says with half a smile.

“I am not...!”

“Okay, doll, whatever you say...”

“Yeah, whatever I say... What did I say?” This gets a chuckle from everyone and I laugh too, confused as to what I’m laughing at but doing it anyways.

At some point during the drive back I fall asleep, waking up only to the sound of the elevator dinging. I’m cradled against Bucky’s chest, warm and comfortable.

“Come on, doll. We’ve got to get you out of that dress and into PJ’s before you can go to sleep.” He rumbles. I sigh when I have to stand on my own and the heat from his body leaves me.

I fumble with the zipper on the back until Bucky’s steady fingers push my clumsy ones aside and slide the metal tab down. With a quick step I get out of it, tossing it over the back of a chair. My arms are held above my head as Bucky slide one of his shirts over my head. A goofy smile is plastered to my face, loving the fact that I’m swimming in the large shirt, and he chuckles, kissing the tip of my nose.

“You’re too adorable, baby doll.” I giggle some more before Bucky gently turns me around and nudges me towards the bed. After an unceremonious flop onto the mattress I crawl under the covers, drifting off as I wait for Bucky.

“G’night Bucky...”

“Good night, Lena.” He whispers, pressing his body closer behind me and sliding an arm over my waist.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty guys, stuffs about to happen!! ...Well, not exactly right this very second, but soon, I swear. :)

Those three weeks pass in a blur much to my dismay, only two days left to prepare. As it gets closer I can physically see the tension building up inside me. I sleep less, my worrying brain not relaxing no matter how much I try. I get startled by every unexpected sound, by every person who comes in when I’m not looking. Bucky and the others, they try to reassure me, tell that it’ll be easy, in and out. But I hear them talk as they walk away from meals, I hear about their plans and backup plans should anything bad happen. If it were so easy they wouldn’t be bringing in everyone and their cousin in to fight.

Tonight is no exception. Bucky is out late with Steve and Thor training or planning or God knows what. I lay in bed, so very tired but not ready to sleep. If I don’t I know Bucky’s going to be upset. My eyes slide shut and I take a deep breath, holding it for a few second before letting it go slowly. Everything is going to be okay, everyone will be fine, Bucky will come back just peachy.

Go to sleep, Lena...

~~~~~

“Lena! Wake up!” My body flies up from the bed, sitting with my back as straight as a board, panting as I desperately fight the urge to run. Adrenaline is pumping through my veins, my heart beating a mile a minute.

What...?

I frantically look around the dark, my body shaking as I come up from that God awful nightmare.

Where’s Bucky?!

He’s- He’s-

I need him.

Where-?

“Bucky...?” My voice is tiny and broken, shaky and breathless. Strong arms wrap around me and it breaks the flood gates, tears pour down my face. “Bucky...! They- you- it- not-” I stutter but Bucky just holds me, hands stroking my back and hair.

“Shh... It’s okay, Lena. I’m right here, I’ll take care of you... I’ve got you doll, shh...” I can hear the worry in his voice and feel it in the way he rocks me just a tad too fast. I try and calm down, knowing that he’s here, that he’s fine but I can’t get the images out of my mind. They flash back every time I close my eyes, stabbing me in the chest each time.

“You... You we’re sitting back at the Hydra base, when they took me. You had- had just gotten back from a mission... You were so broken, you kept repeating that you knew him, knew the man on the bridge, knew Steve... You kept holding onto it and it made you fight back a little, broke through all the programing that they put in your head. You were half naked and your arm was hurt but they just kept all those guys around you with gun, so many guns... But you didn’t break free, you didn’t even think of it. You just sat there, still bound by the protocol they made you follow but it was breaking, Bucky, it was. I could see it in your eyes. **You** were breaking and it hurt because you didn’t know what to do with the new memories in your head, with the sound of James Buchanan Barnes’ voice screaming at you to fight, to hold on. And you did fight, you looked so pissed, trying so hard to hold on even as they pushed you back down. You were going to hold on, you were going to remember, you had to. And as the machine started to lower you started to hyperventilate, knowing it was going to hurt like hell, but you didn’t fight to get free, you couldn’t, all you could do was fight to remember. And they just kept hurting you until you were a blank slate again. You were screaming so loud, so loud... Bucky, so loud...” Through sobs I explain what I had dreamed. I could remember every single second of that day, seeing him from where I was strapped down, crying for him, screaming at the men to leave him alone through the gag.

“Oh, Lena...” His voice breaks and he hugs the life out of me. “I’m sorry you had to see that, have to remember that... so sorry...”

“You were hurting and no one helped you... I don’t want you hurting... don’t like it...”

“Shh... Don’t think about it anymore Lena, I’m right here. I’m here and I’m not hurting, not anymore. Look at me, baby doll.” I glance at his face through tired, tear filled eyes. Bucky cups my cheeks and rests his forehead against mine. “I’m right here, Lena, and they are **_NEVER_** getting me back, they are **_NEVER_** going to take me from you.” I nod wearily, moving and pressing my face into the crook of his neck.

“Never...” I murmur, nodding to myself again.

“Never.” Bucky repeats with a conviction that could move mountains.

~~~~~

Bucky stays with me in the morning, skipping training with Nat and Clint. I just hold on tight, tighter than I’ve ever held onto anything. Once again I’m going to have to let him go, let him go and save the day, but so help me God I don’t want to.

“Mr. and Mrs. Barnes, Mr. Stark is requesting for your presence in the meeting room.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. says from above us and we both rise with tired sighs. We walk hand in hand down the halls and up the stairs, taking the long way around.

“Took you long enough.” Mr. Stark says with a slightly irritated sigh. “We need to talk.”

“About?” Mr. Stark doesn’t answer, actually, he’s starting to look a bit nervous. “Well?”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, can you get Cap too?”

“Of course.” We wait, Mr. Stark’s eyes flitting nervously between us and the door. When Steve comes in, he visibly relaxes before taking a deep breath.

“I need Lena to come on the mission.” He blurts out, looking behind us at the window. We are both frozen for a moment, letting what he said sink in.

**“WHAT?!”** Bucky is the first to talk- well, shout- and I can now see why Mr. Stark wanted Steve here.

“I need Lena to come on the mission.” Mr. Stark repeats, fidgeting under the angry gaze of my husband.

“No, I heard that. I’m asking **what the fuck are you thinking?** ”

“Remember how I said we would need the data to be transfer through a special device? Well, I made it, but it’s rather fragile so I can’t fly with it on the outside of the Quinjet. It’ll need to be put out after we land, but I don’t want to risk it being hit by any stray bullets so it should be released after the fighting has already begun. Every other person I would trust to do it will be fighting, so I need Lena.”

“No.”

“Look, I don’t like it anymore than-”

“I said, no. Lena is not going anywhere near that base. Ever.”

“Barnes, we need her-”

**“NO!”** Bucky shouts back at Mr. Stark, his arm in a death grip around my shoulders.

“Buck, just-” Steve steps in, holding his hands up to Bucky, standing in front of Mr. Stark so he’s blocked from view.

“Don’t even start with me, Steve. You seriously want me to put my Lena, **my wife** , out in the middle of that mess? You think I’m going to have her anywhere near where she could get hurt, **killed?** Fuck that, you’re all out of your damn minds.”

“She won’t be in the middle of it! She’ll be safe in the Quinjet.” Mr. Stark says angrily.

“It’s a jet, Tony. It’s not indestructible, not against what we’ve seen that those guys have, it’s not safe. She’s-”

“They’ll be so busy with us they won’t think twice about the jet!” Mr. Stark fires back.

“If it’s so safe, find someone else! Anyone! They just have to push a button, right?” Bucky is seething now, and I’m actually a little worried about what he might do just to keep me here and safe.

“This is too important to have just anyone! I want someone I can trust there, someone who’s not going to flinch or pass out when things get ugly for us. Itsy-Bitsy has certainly had to put up with ugly...” He gives Bucky a pointed look which in turn gives Bucky pause.

“There must be other people you trust, Tony.”

“Everyone else is going to be fighting, Cap. As much as I’d like to keep civilians out of this, we need her.”

“You don’t get to-” Bucky’s anger has resurfaced with a vengeance and he leans forwards to shout in Mr. Starks face but I tug on his arm, pulling him up short.

“Stop fighting.” I mutter, my voice soft. “Please, stop...” Everyone turns to me. Mr. Stark looks hopeful, Steve looks torn between side, and Bucky... Bucky looks like I’m about to rip his heart out... “I’ll do it, so long as Mr. Stark puts some extra measures on the Quinjet just in case. If I can help have things run more smoothly, help get the job done faster then I can’t say no...” Bucky’s face crumples, loss and anger and worry and many more emotions flickering across it before he turns and storms out of the room. I watch him as he goes, my chest tightening so painfully I actually wince.

“Deal.” Mr. Stark head of that second to work on some stuff for the Quinjet. I’m left there with Steve and I plop into a nearby chair, resting my head on the table.

“Did I do the right thing, Steve? Should I have said no? I just want the mission to be done, for everyone to be safe... Is that bad?” Steve sighs, sitting next to me.

“I- I don’t know, Lena. Buck will come around, just give him some time. He just wants you safe. You’re the most important person to him, he doesn’t want you hurt...”

“I don’t want him hurt either, that’s why I said yes. The sooner this stupid mission is done the sooner he’s back home, safe and sound.”

“Just give him some time.” I nod, heaving a giant sigh into the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter, but stuffs going down and I don't want to rush. Squishing it all into one chapter would be a waste. 
> 
> Thanks for all the recent lovely comments, you guys are the best! :)

I spend the day cooking away my anxiety, not that it’s working. I’ve made enough food to feed an army or two. There are three pasta dishes, two casseroles, cheesy ham and potato soup, steak shish kebabs, four different vegetable side dishes, three pies, a cake, a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies, and homemade ice cream in four different flavors. After the last of the ice cream is made I venture off to find Bucky.

After much searching I find him in the extra training room beating the absolute crap out of a punching bag. Sweat is pouring down his body, his shirt clinging to his chest, hair damp and sticking to his face.

“B-Bucky...?” At the sound of his name he slams his metal fist straight through the punching bag, the sand or whatever spilling out onto the floor. Bucky pulls his hand free after a moment but just stands there, facing away from me, panting as he calms down.

“Why did you say yes?” His voice is rough, like he had been yelling this whole time... I swallow past the lump and step forward slowly.

“Because I want you back home as fast as possible, as safe as possible.”

“What about what I want? Does that not matter?”

“Of course it matters, I just-”

“Then why are you going?”

“Bucky, I can-”

“Why?” He repeats and I can see that this is not going anywhere. He’s still angry, still hurting. He’s just going to fight...

“I love you.”

“That’s not a reason. Why?”

“I love you, Bucky.”

“Don’t test me, damn it, **why?** ”

“I love you a lot.

**“Why?!”**

“More than anything.”

“Damn it all to hell and back, I love you too! So why!? Why are you going?!” He spins around, angry tears spilling over, his hands squeezing my shoulders and pushing me back into the wall. “Why can’t you stay here where it’s safe?”

“So I can watch your back, even if it’s from the jet. **I** want to keep **you** safe, in any way I can. If that means coming with you on a dangerous mission and helping make sure it goes quickly and smoothly, then so be it.”

“Please just stay here... I won’t survive if I lose you, I won’t...” The whispered plea rips into my heart but I just shake my head.

“You won’t lose me, you’ll never lose me.”

“But if I do-”

“You can’t think like that Bucky...”

“But-”

“Bucky...” His body curls around mine, his face pressing into my neck and I wrap my arms around him in return.

“Don’t die...”

“Same goes for you...” Our talking is done after that, we just stand there peacefully. Eventually we slide down the wall, our legs growing tired. I curl up into a ball, Bucky surrounding me again with his arms, his breathing finally evening out. “If you’re hungry I made enough food for everyone and them some... Lots of sweet treats...” My singsong voice does the trick and Bucky chuckles.

“After a shower.”

“Oh, I totally agree. You definitely need a shower.” Bucky growls, nipping at my neck before letting me go. The mood lightens between us as we walk back. Well, I say walk but I managed to convince Bucky to give me a piggyback ride for most of the trip.

~~~~~

Once we had showered and eaten Bucky takes me to the planning room with the other’s to go over the plan one more time. There are more people in here than I imagined, several non-super hero’s mixing into the group. Old S.H.I.E.L.D. agents I suppose, they really are bringing everyone they can...

Most of what they are saying goes over my head, I don’t know all this strategy lingo and crap. It’s going to be hard, that’s what I’ve gotten so far. I’ll be on a com with the others and when Mr. Stark gives the signal I’ll raise the satellite thingy. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous and I didn’t even have one of the hard jobs like breaking into the fortress.

The meeting finishes and Mr. Stark takes me off to the dreaded Quinjet to show me how it’ll all work. He’s very nice while explaining it all, using nice simple terms that little ole me can understand. Bucky is waiting for me by the door back into the Tower, looking unhappy again but not saying anything.

“You’re taking this with you.” Bucky hands me a pistol when we get back to the room. I nod, shifting it in my hands and getting used to the feel of holding a gun again. “And the knife.” I nod again. He’s pacing and I sigh.

“Come on, Bucky. Let’s get some sleep, we’ve got to be up nice and early in the morning.”

Neither of us fall asleep quickly, both of us tossing and turning as we think about tomorrow. Bucky does manage to fall into a restless sleep before I do, and when I’m sure he’s out I sit up, moving closer and stroking his face gently.

Everything is going to be fine has been my mantra these past weeks but tonight it is the only thought echoing in my mind.

Everything is going to be fine.

~~~~~

The call in the morning pulls me from my sleep, if you can call it that. I’m still leaning against the headboard, Bucky's head resting on my thighs, my fingers tangled in his hair. My back is protesting as I get up from the bed and I glare briefly out the window that’s still dark. Why can’t we do this at a more reasonable time?

Bucky gets dressed in black tactical gear, different from what he used to wear, not as tight and restrictive, no mask or goggles. I, for lack of a bigger wardrobe, slip on some black pants and a dark t-shirt. I have the knife in its sheath behind me, the pistol in a thigh holster.

Seeing everyone congregate in the hanger where there are four regular jets and one Quinjets waiting is shocking. Everyone is suited up, with weapons and everything ready for the fight. Grim and determined expression fill the room and I take a deep breath.

This is really happening.

Oh dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

Mr. Stark, Peter, Steve, Nat, Bruce, Bucky and I all get into the Quinjet, the roll of nausea makes me seriously reconsider Bucky’s wish of having me stay here. But before I can change my mind we are off and flying, Bucky strapping me in and gently talking to me the whole time.

I’m grateful when we land, my gratitude short lived as I soon remembered why we were landing. Mr. Stark hands me a com, handing them to everybody else as well, before heading out. Bucky hugs me fiercely as everyone walks off, already breathing heavy.

“I’ll be back soon.”

“Okie dokie, I’ll be waiting.” With a low groan he pulls me into an equally fierce kiss, my face redder than red when I hear the snickers from everyone else.

“I love you.”

“I love you to, now go kick some ass so we can go home.” I smile and push him towards the door. I wave goodbye as Mr. Stark locks up the jet, putting up the extra measures to make sure I was as safe as could be. With a shaky sigh I plop down into a chair and wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all should know this wasn't easy to write, what with my struggle writing conflict and such... But here it is...

I know the exact moment when the fighting begins because I can hear the sound of gun shots and yelling faintly through the coms. Along with that comes the swearing. Some Russian from Nat, plenty of colorful words from Bucky, to which Steve says “language.” Everyone gets a kick out of that, evidently he had said that before...

“Now you guys know why I said it was an old habit.” Steve defends his actions as I can hear his bashing that shield into enemies. From inside the jet I can hear the roar of the Hulk as he smashes through buildings.

The downside to hearing everything is that you can hear **_every_ ** groan and hiss when someone gets hurt, you could hear **_every_ ** bitten out expletive as they try and work through the pain. My eyes aren’t focused on all the technical mumbo-jumbo in front of me, I’m picturing what everyone could be facing.

“Watch what you’re doing Bird-Brain. That guy almost fell on me!” Bucky growls, Bird-Brain emphasized by the sound of punching.

“Quit you’re whining Gramps.”

“You son of a-”

“Bucky!” Steve cuts him off, which only makes Bucky growl again.

“Stupid bird...” He mutters and you can hear Nat’s answering laughter.

“Now, now, boys. Do I have to separate you?”

“Do I have to separate you?” Bucky repeats, badly mimicking Nat’s tone of voice. And for just a short moment everything falls silent. Clint and Mr. Stark are the first to laugh, quickly followed by the rest of the team.

“This is the most I’ve heard Tinman say and it’s hilarious!” Mr. Stark is probably falling out of the sky somewhere he’s laughing so hard. “Was he always like this back in your time, Capsicle?”

“You don’t now the half of it.”

I so badly want to say something, to laugh, but I just keep holding my breath. They don’t need a distraction with this many lives hanging in the balance. But I am so glad that Bucky is opening up more with the others, even if it’s just occasionally teasing them. He deserves friends, good friends who will be there for him.

“You senior citizens ever going to get here?” The impatient teasing tone in Mr. Stark’s voice makes me smile.

“You have to give them time, Stark. They don’t move like they used to.”

“We just can’t get a break...”

“Don’t I know it, Steve-”

“What the hell is that?!” Clint’s loud voice drowns out everything else, my blood running cold at the surprised in his voice. What is it? What’s there? They know what they’re up against, they did so much recon. What didn’t they know? Are they going to be okay?!

An icy hand is clenching my heart in a tight fist, my blood is rushing through my veins but my hands feel numb. All I can do is sit here and listen to them as they shout out weak points and strategies. It sounds like a robot or something... I don’t know, they’re too focused to give me blueprints, not that I blame them. They should focus, I just wish I knew...!

The sound of the jet door opening pulls me from my mind and I spin in the chair, standing up on shaky legs, hand on my gun. Before I can even get the pistol out, there are two shots fired into me. Somehow I hold in the screams, knowing that it’ll distract Bucky and the others, knowing that he’ll drop everything to come get me.

And really, let’s be honest. I’ve had worse.

“Wow, Stark really did just leave one tiny girl here to guard their precious ship, just like they said. Are you even old enough to drive?” The man says with a thick Italian accent, a snarky smile twisting his thin lips. He steps onto the walk way, followed by a dark looking woman. As I fall back, the pain too much to stay upright, I pull out the gun and fire two shots of my own, each hitting their mark and hopefully killing the intruders.

When I hit the floor a tiny moan escapes despite my best efforts. My left hand claws into the cushion of the pilot’s seat, my right hand slamming the pistol repeatedly into the floor of the jet.

**GOD IT FUCKING HURTS!!!**

On the other end of the coms I can hears as everyone starts to fight harder, yelling out to each other with how far they are and how many enemies are around them. They work as a team, all of them, attacking the whole fortress with an unstoppable force. They really are impressive.

“Alright, Itsy-Bitsy, you’re up.” Mr. Stark says and I take a deep breath before trying to move, to roll over. “Now, Lena.” Tears streak down my face, the excruciating pain giving me flashback to Gil’s sneer and when Hydra had Bucky and I. “Lena?”

“I’ve... got it...” I pant out, trying to keep my voice normal. I’m on my stomach now, crawling forwards so I can reach the console. I’ve just gotta hit the switch and move the dial. Just a little more, Lena, just a little more!

“Lena, what’s the matter?” Bucky’s asks in a winded voice. “Lena- Look out Steve!”

“Nothing... Focus, Bucky...”

“Lena, I need it up now!”

“Just a second!” I’m so close, my hand sliding against the glass panel, my fingers slippery with my own blood. I knock the switch up and drag my fingers over the dial but it doesn’t spin. After sucking in a fast breath through clenched teeth I try and stretch my arm out to the dial again.

“Not so fast.” My ankle is grabbed, the person weakly pulling me back, just enough so I couldn’t reach. I roll over as fast as I can to see the woman from earlier, blood still oozing from her chest. “You won’t ruin this...”

With new found energy at the thought of being killed here and now, when I’m- when we are so close to finishing, I kick her shoulder. Now, it’s not impressive, not strong, but in her weakened state it’s enough to make her go tumbling.

“Lena!”

The gun is back in my grasp, the weight familiar as I aim at the woman’s head.

But I can’t...

I can’t pull the trigger.

The last time I was surprised, I didn’t have time to think. Now... I can’t just kill someone, even a bad guy. Not when they are so close that I’d have to watch the life drain from them. I can’t...!

“We’re gonna kill every last one of you.” She snarls, eyes filled with hate, every word coated in it.

“LENA!!”

The thunderous noise from the gun seems so much louder in this small space.

The pistol falls from my grip, my hands shaking so badly it scares me.

I killed her.

Shot her in the _head_.

Oh God...

I swallow the feeling that I can’t describe and roll back over, sliding my hand up the glass until I feel the dial. Again my slippery fingers fail. Come on, damn it, just work! I drag my hand across the dial one last time as I feel the life seeping out of me, this time it moves as evident by the soft clicking sounds.

The sound of the satellite thing moving into place on top of the jet fills the small space and I fall back to the ground, everything going hazy. It doesn’t hurt so much anymore, everything is numb, going cold. The mission is going well, everyone is getting the job done despite the wounds they are sustaining. When they say Nat got shot you can hear the Hulk roar. When they start to indicate that they are just cleaning up the last of the enemies I finally open my mouth.

“...Bucky...”

“Lena? What-”

“I love you... a lot...” My blood has long since started pooling under me, soaking my hair and clothes, my fingers dipped in the warm puddles.

“ **LENA?** Who’s closest?! What happened? Doll? Answer me, _please!_ Lena!!” Bucky frantic voice fills the coms, and I really wish I could see those brilliant blue eyes again but I’m so sleepy...

“I’m on my way.” Peter says, the sound of whooshing air accompanying his voice.

“Lena, just wait for me, I’m coming...!” The sound of light footsteps on the floor of the jet draws my eyes and my head falls to the side so I can see. Peter is there, his red suit has a couple of holes in it, looking more beaten up than it had before.

“...Oh God...” He whispers, tearing off his mask and rushing close. He fumbles with the first aid kit before pressing something against my abdomen.

“What is it?!”

“Get here fast.” Is all Peter says back to Bucky and I can hear his soft whimper at the tone of Peter’s voice. I wince as Peter presses harder.

“That... hurts...”

“I’m sorry... but I’ve... you’re... oh God...” He looks like he’s starting to hyperventilate but the picture is quickly growing dark, the boy being swallowed by a soft darkness. The next sound I hear is heavy boots stomping over to me with alarming speed.

“Lena, oh God no... No, no, no! Please, no... Look at me doll, please.”

“Bucky...” His name is spoken on a soft sigh. “Where are you, I can’t see you...” My eyes are open, I think they’re open, but I can’t seem to see anything.

“I’m right here, right next to you. See? I’ll fix you up, you’ll be fine.” Something warm and cold touch my cheeks and I smile, at least I try to, maybe I don’t, I don’t know anymore...

“I’m sorry... I think- I think it’s too late...” I whisper, not having enough energy to do anything more.

“ ** _No!_** Don’t say that! Everything is going to... going to be okay... _please_...”

“I’m scared...”

“Shh... It’s okay, don’t be scared. I’m right here, baby doll, right here.” Bucky’s voice is tight, raspy. The hot and cold sensations start to fade, even as they move over my cheeks.

“I... I… lo-” I choke off, running out of everything. The will to live, the energy to talk, oxygen to breathe...

“I love you too, Lena, so damn much. So very, _very_ much.”

I nod, maybe, and relax, slipping into the darkness that’s been wrapping its fingers around me slowly since I was shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that happened... 
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	49. Chapter 49

**_“Someone get back here and fly this fucking jet!!”_ ** I roar, pressing on Lena’s wounds. She unconscious for now, her heart still just barely beating. It won’t be for very much longer at this rate. I can’t lose her, I can’t...!

_You already did. She’s dead. Look at all the blood._

No! She has a pulse still-

_That hardly counts as a pulse. She’s dead, you let her die._

Shut up!!

Peter is sitting in the corner, eyes far away. If it weren’t my Lena dying on the floor I’d ask him if he was okay. He’s usually so animated and talkative, but now he’s starting to hyperventilate. There’s got to be a story behind that.

Steve and Tony show up first, and in seconds the jet is in the air speeding back to the Tower. Some doctor lady, from what Steve is telling me, is waiting there with something that might save Lena. She was brought over just in case something like this happened.

The others try to talk to me, Steve’s calming down the poor kid, but I stay focused on Lena, my Lena. She should never have come, she should have stayed back. I’ve seen her like this in some of my nightmares, I **never** wanted to see it become a reality.

Her skin is ashy white, the blood smears standing out all the more. The crimson liquid had pooled under her, soaking her blonde hair, giving it a strange new color, one I don’t like at all. She had time to tell me- tell anyone! - she was shot, but she didn’t. She didn’t want to distract us. She knew what was riding on this mission and she deemed herself less important.

“It’s not true, you are more important than anything in the world.” I whisper, my flesh hand constantly feeling for a pulse as my metal hand kept pressure on the wound.

_You always end up hurting her. Have you ever once kept her safe? What kind of husband are you?_

A bad one! I know that better than anyone... I shouldn’t have let her come, I should have protected her, I should have known something was wrong but I didn’t. And that’s my fault, I get that. So just shut the fuck up.

By the time we land she so close to gone, her pulse barely fluttering under my fingertips, her breath just about gone. They rush her out, some woman talking fast as they take my Lena away. The mob of people shove me out of the way, leaving me standing on the quickly empting jet next to a pool of her blood.

The rage hits me like a fucking train.

“How did this happen?!” I yell at Tony, grabbing a fitful of his shirt and slamming him up against the wall. “You said- **you said** they couldn’t get in, that she’d be **_safe_**! What the fuck happened, Tony?!”

“Cal-”

“If you tell me to calm down, Steve, so help me God I will punch you through a wall. That’s **my wife** they’re taking away! That’s her blood spilled out on the floor! I’m not going to be _**fucking** _ calm!”

“They shouldn’t have gotten in...” Tony whispers, his brow furrowed like he’s solving some complex math problem.

“You’re Goddamn right they shouldn’t have gotten in!!”

“No, they shouldn’t have been able to open the fucking doors and walk in, Tinman! I couldn’t have hacked my way into it, I had five different AI’s changing the codes, this wasn’t just some cheep ass system. It should have seen someone approaching that it didn’t recognize and shot on sight. The only way they could have done it was if they had someone on the inside...”

I drop Tony when he shoves me away, racing off to his base of operation. Steve and I follow in quick pursuit, a quick glance to the side showing that I still couldn’t weasel my way into the room to be with my wife.  
“Here! Someone altered the codes... Oh, this is good, clever little bastard.” Tony mutters, his eyes scanning the screen as numbers and letters fly by.

“Who gives a shit if it’s fucking clever?! Tell me who it was, I’m going to kill them myself...”

“Buck, please just think about it, you’ll only regret it later.”

“No, I really won’t, Steve.” My voice is stone cold and brutally honest. I could kill whoever this is and sleep just fine at night. They hurt Lena, they crossed a line they should have thought about twice before dancing over.

“I’ve got this, Barnes, go take care of your wife.” Tony says and I growl.

“This guy-”

“You can get you’re punches in later. Lena needs you.” I’m torn between ripping the man apart who did this and being next to Lena. Eventually the later wins and I go running off. As I sprint back to where the doctor lady was taking Lena the rest of the team gets back.

“Hey, where’s Lena-?” Scott asks but I don’t even stop, I just point ahead of me. He and Peter follow after me, everyone else heading off to get fixed up for less serious injuries. I skid to a stop just as Lena is lowered into some kind of machine.

“What are you doing?” I wince, my fists clenching at the sound of the machine working. The electrical zapping sound it’s making sounds a lot like what they used to wipe me with.

“You must be-”

“What. Are. You. Doing.” I waste no time, my hard eyes locked onto the woman.

“We are fixing the damaged tissues. She’ll need a blood transfusion and hopefully she’ll be okay.”

“Hopefully?” That doesn’t sound very medical... or concrete...

“Well, there is only so much I can do. She has to have the will to live, to come back.” I nod with a sigh and move closer, looking at Lena through the glass. “Mr. Lang, how good that you’re here. I was wondering if you would donate some blood for Lena. You both have a fairly rare type, it’s very fortunate that you both match.” My wide eyes flash to the man. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t tie him down and take his blood if he refused.

“Oh man, of course. Anything I can do, she’s my friend.” Relief floods through me when he agrees and my eyes flash back to Lena.

“Perfect, right this way.” They walk off and I step closer, resting a hand on the cover of the machine that is starting to look an awful lot like a casket...

“Mr. Barnes,” Vision says from behind me, his soft British accent adding to the smooth tones of his voice. I never know how to act around this man, I mean, more than anyone else. They tried to explain how he came to be, with the whole Ultron fiasco and the magical stone in his head, but he’s just so... different. I have problems being around normal people, how the hell am I supposed to act around some nearly all-powerful being? “You need not worry, Dr. Cho is the best in her field. If anyone can save your wife, she can.”

“Um... thanks, I guess.”

“Oh, you’re welcome.” His strange blue eyes drift off as he looks at the machine. “I was made in a machine just like this...” His soft voice is now barely above a whisper. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?! “I was to be Ultron’s new self, a perfect body for him to use as a weapon against humanity. Even now I wonder if some part of him is still hiding away in me, waiting for me to drop my guard...” Now that I can relate to, being a weapon, being afraid of your own reflection and what it might be hiding.

“It sucks, thinking about what you might do if you lose the fight, the people you’d end up hurting. It’s worse when it actually happens, when you wake up and you’re choking the life out of the one person you can’t live without...” I cringe, thinking of all the times I woke up to that very scene. Lena beneath me, smiling at me as her shaky hands stroking over my cheeks or my arms, trying to calm me down. She never thought of herself first, always making sure I was okay, that I was safe before fixing herself up. She never blamed me, never got angry... sometimes I wish she would have.

“Yes, I suppose you would understand this feeling better than most. How do you deal with it? With the thought that you might end it all for your friends.”

“I’m not sure, if you ever figure it out be sure to share it with me... All I know is that it helps if you’ve got someone who stays with you, who insists that you’re not a monster no matter what you do. If I didn’t have Lena, I wouldn’t be here. I would have lost it, the clashing memories, the dissonance between how the Winter Soldier was made to think and how James Buchanan Barnes thought. She kept me sane, kept me in one piece. I can’t... I can’t lose her.” My voice cracks, barely above a whisper as I mutter the last phrase.

Vision rests a hand on my shoulder before walking out, leaving me with the machine. With a deep sigh I drag a chair over, the sound of it scraping along the floor a welcome interruption from the sound of the machine working, and sit down.

All the fatigue from the fight, from the stress of knowing that Lena was nearby during it all, from finding her nearly dead, all of it washes over my shoulders at once. I slump forward, resting my head in my hands. 

“Please come back, Lena. Please, I need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys, I hope you'll forgive me for my sad attempt to look like I know anything about technology. It's bad and I know that, but oh well. Whats done is done. :)

“She should be out any second now. We’ll give her the blood and then we wait, see if her body takes it and if she’ll wake up. We’ll have done all we can.” Dr. Cho says from behind me and my head snaps up. I had been drifting in and out, torturing myself with all the ways I could have done something different, how I could have saved her from this.

“Thank you.” She smiles, nodding as she looks over a monitor. The soft hissing sound makes me tense again. God, so much of this thing sounds like Hydra... Get a grip, Barnes, it’s just a noise, plenty of things make that sound. I’m once again pushed off to the side as they move Lena onto a stretcher.

I follow behind the group of people, trying to keep Lena in sight but it’s hard with all the white lab coats between us. Once in a hospital bed they start the transfusion. Scott comes in moments later, looking a little pale with a bandage around his elbow. I stand, my mouth hanging open as I try to find the words to thank him.

“It’s fine man, don’t worry about it. She’s my friend after all. Plus, without her, who’s going to cook for us? You certainly don’t want me to.” He says with a smile, patting my shoulder with a nod before we both turn to look at Lena. “Stark said they got the bastard who’s responsible for this. I’ll watch over her if you want to go.” Just the thought of the person who did this makes my blood run hot.

“Thanks.” I make my way between everyone and kiss Lena’s forehead, whispering that I love her before storming off to find the shithead who’s going to fucking pay for doing this. “F.R.I.D.A.Y, where?”

“Holding cells, should I tell them that you are coming?”

“Tell them to leave.” I bite out, already making plans for what I was going to do.

Steve and Tony meet me by the elevator when I get down to the holding cells, trying to talk me out of going in there. I walk past them, not even sparing them a glance. The cell block is dark, and being in the basement it also looked a bit dingy. I effortlessly blend with the shadows at the edges of the room, my footsteps silent as I stalk around the man standing in the middle of the block.

I can’t say I know who this is, maybe I’ve seen him around before, but it hardly matters right now.

He done fucked up.

I sneak up behind him, the man completely unaware of my presence until I growl, grabbing his arm, twisting it, and shoving him into the cement wall.

“What the hell-?!” The words die on his lips when he sees my livid face inches away from his. He swallows hard, his whole body shaking in my grasp. “Y-y-you can’t sc-scare m-me-me!”

“Oh, can’t I?” My voice is smooth and calculating, slicing through the air.

“I kn-know a-all about you-you’re techniques-” My dark chuckles cuts him off. I spin him around my face inches from his. A smile draws my lips up but I am far from happy. There is anger burning in my eyes, an intense hatred flooding my body as my metal hand closing around his throat slowly.

He thinks he has an idea of what I’ve done, of the things I can do to a person to get them to talk. Well, he’s in for a surprise.

“You’ve read my files, have you?” He frantically nods. “Well, that’s the funny thing about Hydra. Sometimes they send you on missions and ‘forget’ to make reports. You have **no idea** of what I can do, what I have done. But you will, oh yes, because you crossed a line. You hurt someone of mine, the one person that is just about the only thing I hold close. You should have through twice before you crossed me. Now you get to see first had at how good I am at making people talk, although in your case it’ll mostly be screaming.”

~~~~~

“You feel like talking yet? Or are you just going to scream until you die? It’d be easier if you talked but it’s not like I need you to. I have other ways to get information.” My voice is calm and detached as I watch the man writhe on the floor howling in agony. He just barely nods and I let go of his twisted arm.

“Staci, it-it-it w-was her idea! She just dragged me along, n-ne-need someone to find the back door, someone who could exploit the gaping holes in Starks system. He-he’s so arrogant, thinking he’s the only genius. It was easy!” He spits out.

“Explain.” Tony barks out from the door, seemingly unaffected with the scene in front of him.

The man on the floor, Dale or something, just laughs. My frown deepens and I send a well-placed kick to his ribs, feeling them crack from the force. The laughter switches to coughs and gasps, all traces of superiority gone.

“You don’t bother to look at the people under you, even if they show promise. You keep yourself on a pedestal. The great Tony Stark. Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. You aren’t that special, there are plenty of people just as smart as you, some even smarter. But you assume no one could ever beat you, you over looked so much. Getting in the backdoor was ridiculously easy, after that I just had to hack one of your AI, set it working against the others. While they were at odds your firewall was ten times more venerable, a teenager with a five year old laptop could write better codes. Once I was in I just had to add a few more faces to the recognition software. You were so sure no one could hack it that you didn’t even bother double checking it before you went on the mission.” Through his entire rant Tony just watches with narrow eyes and clenched fists.

“Doesn’t sound like it was Staci’s idea.”

“She found the buyers, it wasn’t hard when all their info was just left out on tables after meetings. You all are so careless! Some hero’s. When she heard it was going to be your wife in there it sealed the deal. She thought her death would bring you all down a peg.”

They knew it would be Lena in there, it wasn’t just an accident...

My teeth grind together, my fists clenched as I try to stop myself from killing the traitor right this second. I was thinking of going relatively easy on them because they didn’t know who was going to be hurt, they just wanted to foil the plan. But they knew who would be hurt and that made them work harder.

Without another word Tony stalks back out of the room, leaving me to my methods. I’m not anywhere near done with him.

~~~~~

I leave the man alive, not without sustaining several serious injuries and definitely not without spilling all his secrets to me first. The most important of which being the name of his partner in all of this. Some woman, Staci or something, but F.R.I.D.A.Y. tells me where she is. She thinks she’s in the clear, that we don’t know about her, that we won’t find out...

“Excuse me, are you Miss Staci?” I ask when I see her, my voice like silk. She turns and smiles, still acting like she wasn’t one of the people who put my Lena in the hospital.

“Yes, I am indeed. Did you need something, Bucky?” In my head I snarl at her, how dare she say my name like we’re friends, like she didn’t rip my heart out and toss it into a fire.

“Yeah, Tony said you could help me with this flat computer thingy. He’s a bit busy with the after mission reports and stuff.” I fake an embarrassed smile as I hold up the bit of technology, my other hand rubbing the back of my neck to keep it from snapping out and breaking this bitch’s neck.

“...Flat computer? Oh, the tablet, yes of course.” She walks closer, flipping her black hair with a flirtatious smile. “What did you need?” She stand too close, much too close, but I bite back the urge to shove her away.

“Well, I was just wondering how you watched videos on it. Tony said you could...”

“Okay, do you know if the video is already on here?” She leans over to looks at the tablet in my hands, resting a hand on my shoulder, her fingers tracing patterns. Just wait, Barnes, you can’t give it away yet. Just wait, don’t rip off her arm...

“He said it was.” I say with another smile and shrug. She smiles back, her eyes trailing over my face. Again I hold in the urge to shove her back, although this time I’m thinking out the window might be a nice place to shove her...

“Alright, then you just... do... this...” She trails off as she starts tapping the screen, her fingers landing on the only video on there. The video of her partner whimpering out her name, giving her up as I stand over him, several broken bones into the process. “What-?” Her voice trembles, face paling and hands starting to shake.

“Gee, isn’t it convenient how technology works these days? These fancy new camera pick up on just about everything, don’t they? That was you he was talking about, wasn’t it, Staci? It didn’t take long for him to break, not long at all. How long do you think you’ll last?” My voice is no longer light and cheery, it’s dark, matching my expression as she tries to back away, only to be caught in my grasp seconds later.

“You- You-”

“Oh no, not me, you. **You** sold information, **you** put the code in, **you** are the one responsible for putting my wife in the hospital.”

“I didn’t know-”

_“You did, don’t lie."_ I hiss, my face inches from hers. "Maybe you should have thought about what you were really doing and who it would affect before fucking with the one person on this team who could- **would** \- kill you if you messed with the person they love more than anything. Now you have to deal with me and, oddly enough, I’m not in a very good mood. I may not be the Winter Soldier anymore but I can remember **everything** from when I was. Are you ready? Better hope that money was worth it...” I drag her off to the cell block where her partner is still laying in a mess on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the kinda short chapter. School is being school, just gotta love all the professors and they're complete lack of teaching abilities. Don't get me wrong, some professors are great. It just seems like this semester I got the bad ones. Oh joy... :/

Steve and Tony make me leave after an hour with the two traitors, Steve is looking a little sick, Tony looks unsurprised. Steve walks with me back to where Lena is, the walk is silent, my usually talkative friend at a loss for words.

“I’m not James Barnes from Brooklyn anymore, Steve.”

“I-I know, you don’t have to be. I just, I wasn’t expecting... that...” I shrug, really not feeling any remorse or disgust at what I had done. They deserved everything they got.

“I’m not going to regret what I did, Steve. I’m not going to apologize.” He nods and we continue to walk in silence for a few more halls.

“I don’t need you to be the old Buck. You know that, right? You’re you, not matter what form that takes. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t make me happy when you remember something from the old days or when you say something the same way as you used to but you don’t have to go back. You’re good the way you are, you don’t need to conform to any idea that you have to be anyone else.” Hearing him say those words, say them and mean them, it feels like a huge weight has been taken from my shoulders.

“Thank you, Steve.” He claps me on the shoulder and nods with the happy go lucky smile that he always used to wear when we would get into trouble as kids. I remember that smile... He doesn’t wear it as often these days...

The happy feeling of remembering something good is chased out of my body when I see Lena lying on the hospital beds with IV’s and oxygen tubes. For a moment my feet stop working and I just stare at her, my heart breaking all over again. 

“They are doing all they can, Buck.” 

“I... I know, Steve.” Scott is sitting next to her, holding her hand and talking about his daughter. He nods to us when we walk in, finishing his story before talking to us.

“They said she might do better if we talk to her, that she might be able to hear us.”

“Thank you, Scott.”

“You guys get everything taken care of?” He looks at Steve who pale’s again as he thinks back to what he saw me do.

“Yeah, we did.” I say, my own face darkening for a moment before I sigh and sit on the other side on Lena, leaving Scott his chair.

“Good. I’ll be right back, I’m going to grab some food. You guys want anything? Lena went to town cooking yesterday. On second thought I’ll bring enough for all of us, we’ll feel better after eating.” He heads off, humming something.

“He’s a good guy.” I say to Steve who just nods.

“Yeah, he is. Wasn’t quite sure what to think when we first met him but he’s pretty great.” I think back to everything that went down after the Vienna bombing. Scott had been fanboying over Steve when he met them, Lena had gotten a kick out of him. On the phone Tony had given me, she set the background to the picture of herself smiling next to the giant cookie, courtesy of Scott and his fancy-science suit. 

I take her hand, running my thumb over her knuckles, noticing that it was just a bit too cold. Steve brings in another chair and sits near me, watching me closely before switching at watching Lena. 

“I’m really glad that you found her, that you had someone to help when you first woke up.” He says earnestly. “I wasn’t sure how you were going to deal with all the new memories, I wasn’t really positive on my outlook. When we couldn’t find you during those two years I thought you must have gotten killed or captured again...”

“I’m glad I’ve got her too. I got her to Romania but I was sure she’d leave after she was away from the governments and the agencies. But she stayed, for some unfathomable reason. She stayed and dealt with me and my demons. You’ve gotten to know her but you haven’t seen her in action. She’s amazing, my Lena, got a bigger heart than maybe even you Steve.”

“I’m wounded, take it back.” Steve says with a smile, holding a hand to his chest. I chuckle but shake my head. 

“Have you heard her sing?” Steve shakes his head and I sigh, shaking my own. “You haven’t heard music until you’ve heard her sing, Steve. She doesn’t do it often, she’s got her reasons, but damn she’s good.” 

“Alright, guys, food for everybody.” Scott’s got a plateful of pasta with some sort of broccoli salad. Steve get’s a plate full of steaks shish kebabs, mostly the steak but some of the mushrooms and peppers too. I get a plate with some of Lena’s tatter tot casserole and then a slice of pie, a piece of chocolate cake, two cookies, a cupcake and a small dish of ice cream. I can’t help the loud laugh, Steve looking jealous over my obviously better plate.

“You know me so well, Scott...”

“Lena used to go on and on about your sweet tooth. When she’d make sweet treats, while you were in the cryogenic sleep thing, she’d always wonder if you’d like it. She’d ask all kinds of questions and I just sat there munching on the food. It was good, I wasn’t sure what else she wanted. I’m not a good judge on if there’s too much vanilla or cinnamon or whatever. If it’s edible I’ll probably like it. She’d roll her eyes every time I told her that.”

“I see she’s telling my secrets. Oh wait, except I don’t have a sweet tooth...” I mutter even as I eat one of the cookies in a single bite.

“Whatever lets you sleep at night, Buck.” Steve rolls his eyes as he digs into his food. We all share a laugh and eat. Scott was right, I do feel a bit better after eating. 

Scott and Steve leave after we all share a handful of stories, many of them ending with us laughing at our own stupidity. Some of the things Scott has done, oh man, it’s hard to believe that he ended up as some serious badass Avenger.

~~~~~

My eyes flutter open, everything before me hazy and annoyingly bright. 

I turn my head to the side, everything throbbing with a persistent ache, and I see Bucky looking like absolute crap in a nearby chair, his flesh hand holding mine. His eyes are glazed over as he stares at the tiled floor. 

The oxygen tube feels weird, I want to get it off... 

The needles jammed in my arm too, don’t want them. 

Where am I?

What’s going on?

I try and sit up, try and get my eyes to cooperate but they don’t want to. All I see are the needles now, the flipping needles... I don’t want them...!

“Wh-where am I?” I mutter, voice hoarse and raspy, and at the sound Bucky snaps to attention, jumping up from his chair and leaning close. “What-?” The beeping of my heart starts to increase as I start to freak out, the sound filling the otherwise silent room.

“Lena! Shh, everything alright. You’re on the medical floor. Shh, lay back down, doll. It’s alright.” He gently pushes me back down and I don’t have the energy to fight. Then it all comes back to me, the mission, getting shot, dying...

“I’m sorry, oh God I’m so sorry...! I didn’t- didn’t mean to...!” Tears fill my droopy eyes, my face crumpling at the thought of what I must have put everyone through.

“No, no, shh... It’s okay, sweetheart, everything’s okay. Go back to sleep.” Bucky shakes his head, a loving smile on tired his face, his hand gently stroking my cheek as my eyes start to close. “It’s all going to be alright, just sleep...” He keeps murmuring in that low voice of his, the soft tones and gentle whispers sliding me back into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	52. Chapter 52

The next time I open my eyes the oxygen tube and needles are gone, thank God. Bucky is sleeping this time around, albeit not very soundly and he looks about as comfortable as he does when we go out into public.

“He hasn’t left you side once. Well, scratch that, there was a small problem to take care of but that lasted an hour or two. And he couldn’t have been with you anyways, they were getting you ready for the cradle.” Steve whispers from next to me and I turn to the side.

“I’m sorry...” He shakes his head, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“No, we should be the sorry ones. There was a mole, two of them, and because of what they did you were put in harm’s way, you almost died...”

“When can I leave here? I don’t like hospitals... or needles...”

“Didn’t you work in a hospital?”

“No, I worked in a clinic. In the basement on a computer. And this is why. Doctor’s freak me out, I never liked them. Don’t know why. Jake said I had white coat syndrome, I just said I didn’t like them. But he’s right, he usually was.”

“Well, thanks to Dr. Cho and the cradle you are pretty much healed. Scott gave blood for a transfusion so I imagine you can go back to your own room soon.” I nod, happy with the good news, not that you could tell from looking at me. God, I’m just so tired...

“Is he doing okay, Steve?” I look over at Bucky and frown. He’s too pale, his face drawn tight, dark circles under his eyes. I don’t know when his last shower was but he could use another, maybe shave a little.

“He’s doing better since you woke up. When it first happened, he kind of... Well, he lost it. Especially when we found there were moles who sold the information and slipped code into Tony’s protection thingy. That’s how they got in and shot you. Bucky... he... he got the information from them, got some of his anger- rage- out too.”

God, I’m such a scum bag...

“Hey, Steve? Can you move me over?” He shrugs and very carefully slides me to the edge of the bed nearest him. “Bucky...” I say softly, trying to wake him up as gently as I can. His head raises slowly, his bleary eyes searching around the room for a moment before landing on me.

“...Lena...?”

“Come here, sweetie.” I pat my bed with a small smile and he listens, crawling in next to me. His bleary eyes are half lidded, his face so worn out and tired. “You need to sleep properly.” I slip my hand behind his head and tug him closer until his face is pressed into the crook of my neck, his arms wrapping around me. I mouth thank you to Steve, not risking waking Bucky up. He nods with a gentle smile.

Steve leaves us, turning down the lights and shutting the door on his way out. For a while I stay awake, thinking about what Bucky must have gone through, what I put him through. Once my self-hatred time is up I settle back against the pillows and shut my eyes, focusing on the sound of Bucky’s even breathing.

~~~~~

Bucky is still next to me, talking with someone quietly. He’s sitting up, my head resting in his lap as he brushes his fingers through my hair slowly.

“I’m not leaving her, Steve. I’m not.” He murmurs, Steve’s response too quiet for me to hear. “If it was Peggy or Sharon or whoever you’re with these day, if this happened to them, would you leave? She’s woken up twice. The first time she was so freaked out and so sorry that she passed out shortly thereafter. The second time I was too tired to comprehend that she was conscious. I’m not missing it a third time. She was always there for me when I woke up from the nightmares and when I came out of the cryogenic sleep, I’m going to be here for her. I don’t care what kind of mission it is.”

“Captain Rogers, it’s time to leave.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. says from the ceiling and Bucky hisses out for the AI to quiet down. She apologizes in a quieter tone and repeats that Steve has to go.

“I’ll see you when you get back.” Bucky says, a long sigh from Steve to follow. Once to door closes I peek open my eyes and look up at Bucky.

“I’m not causing trouble, am I?” The chuckle that echoes through the silent room is tired, worm out and just a bit too tight.

“No, doll, Steve just wants me to get out some now that you’re going to be okay. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good, all things considered. You?”

“Well, I’ve been better, but I’m certainly doing better now that your eyes are open.” His fingers skim across my face, tracing invisible patterns. His half smile crumbles into guilt, his eyes growing dark. “I’m so sorry, Lena. I shouldn’t have-”

“Stop it. It’s not your fault Bucky. I chose to go on the mission. I chose not to tell anyone when I got hurt. You did nothing wrong.”

“I should have made you stay home, I should have kept you safe. That’s what a husband does, he keeps his wife safe and I didn’t.”

“I’m alive, aren’t I?”

“You just barely made it Lena, you were dancing on the edge. I thought... I thought I was going to lose you at any second. There was nothing I could do but sit there and feel your faint fluttering pulse get weaker and weaker. No more missions for you.”

“Okay, I don’t like being an Avenger anyways. Way to much stress.”

“Lena!” The shrill cry of a child confuses both Bucky and I, the two of us looking at the door to see Scott and Cassie with his ex-wife and her husband. She runs over, looking worriedly at me and the machines around me.

“Cassie, when did you get here, honey?” She climbs onto my bed without waiting for permission, plopping down near my legs. She and I had gotten along quite well when she visited the past couple of times, to the point where she would occasionally ask her dad how I was doing before saying hi to him. She was just messing with him but it worked every time.

“Dad said you were hurt so I made you a card. And some cookies, but...” She trails off but Scott quickly fills me in.

“She ate them all on the way here.” I sit up, leaning against Bucky for support because I still feel about as strong as a wet noodle. We all share a laugh at the expense of the child who rolls her eyes at her father.

“That’s alright, at least someone enjoyed them. I don’t know if the mean ole doctor’s would let me eat cookie yet anyways.”

“You’re better now?”

“Yep, just tired.” She doesn’t believe me, it written all over her face, so she turns to Bucky and asks him instead.

“Lena’s gonna be just fine, don’t worry. I’ll make sure she sleeps and doesn’t eat any treats. That way when you visit next she’ll be better.” Bucky says with a serious face to the kid, who nods back, equally serious. We visit for a bit more, all of us gushing over the card which was really well done for a kid. She’s good with those crayons. When they leave I turn to Bucky and pout.

“No sweets?”

“Nope. No spicy food either.” He shakes his head, completely unaffected by my pout and puppy dog eyes.

“I’ll fight you for them.” I change tactics, trying to look tough and serious but it just doesn’t work.

“I’m strong.” I say with mock indignation. “I could fight, like, ten sleepy kittens. Maybe even eleven.” It works, Bucky laughs, really laughs, and I grin. He’s been too serious, and it’s understandable but he needs to relax a little.

“Because you’ve got the strength for that. You can barely sit up, Mrs. Barnes.”

“I’m shaking in my boots. I’ll tell you what, when you can get up and walk, you can have the candies over on the table there.” He points to the table across the room with a dish of half eaten chocolates.

“Can’t I have just one? Please?” I change tactics yet again, leaning up and kissing his cheek and whispering in his ear. I grin when he shivers, feeling triumphant.

“That’s cheating, doll...”

“All’s fair in love and food.”

“I don’t think you quoted that correctly.”

“Maybe it was a little different, but not much. Same basic principle.” We both laugh before he pulls out a Jolly Rancher from his pocket.

“I was thinking about giving this to you, since it’s my last one, but now you’re not playing fair. I think I’ll just eat it myself.” He unwraps the candy but before he can pop it in his mouth my hand flies out and steals it, hastily stuffing it into my own mouth before smiling at my shocked husband.

“Thanks, sweetie.” He grumbles, shaking his head with the hint of a smile in his eyes. We relax back into the bed, content for the moment to let time slip by us. In no time flat we are both falling asleep, neither of us having fully recovered from what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, small announcement. I'm going to be taking a few days off from writing and posting chapters so I can focus on school. I'll be posting the next chapter on Saturday and then go back to my normal schedule. This is kind of a short chapter, but I didn't want to start another section only to cut it off in the middle.
> 
> I realized I hadn't said thank you in a while, so thank you all again. For reading, for the comments, for the kudos, for all of it. You guys are great! :)

Bucky and I are allowed to head back to our room when Dr. Cho finishes all the final checkups. I lean heavily on Bucky the whole way back, not that he minds. As we get into the elevator some of the team come back from their mission, whatever it had been it must have been easy if they are back already.

“Tiny one!” Thor booms, stomping up to us and pulling me into a bear hug. He’s really touchy-feely, and I can’t say I mind it because he gives great hugs. I’m just worried that one of these days Bucky is going to get too jealous and challenged the God to a fight. “You are alright now?”

“Yes, Thor, I am. I’m sorry for everything.”

“You need not apologize, tiny one! Although the food has not been the same without you. Indeed, many on this team cannot cook. I am glad you are well again!” He drops me back down to the ground and Bucky is quick to tuck me into his side again. 

“Nice to see you up again, Itsy-Bitsy.” Mr. Stark says and I smile. “Thought Tinman there was going to go ballistic waiting for you to wake up.” Bucky just rolls his eyes.

“Thank you, it’s nice to be up again. Bucky didn’t cause too much trouble, did he?” At my teasing Bucky growls, arm tightening. We share a laugh before Mr. Stark and the others all go to change and give their reports. 

"Just as soon as you’re better, I’m going to get you back for that.” 

“That’s fair. Come on, I’m tired. You’ll stay, right?”

“Doll, the end of the world wouldn’t even get me to move.”

~~~~~

After two weeks everything is back to normal. I’m completely better, everyone is back to their normal daily routine. Bruce is staying for the time being, Thor staying for a while too. A new little addition to our days is that I make breakfast for everyone most every day. I don’t mind, its fun for me. I get them to help out sometimes, and I try out lots of dishes, always taking requests. Thor’s requests are the hardest to make because, well, I don’t have Asgardian food here to make it with. So we use substitutions and occasionally the dishes turn out semi-decent. 

Today is Bucky’s day and I’m making about fifteen different kinds of oatmeal along with the usually breakfast dishes. We got through a lot of bacon and eggs here at the Tower.

Everyone stumbles in, taking their seats and drinking to coffee or tea or hot chocolate, they all have their preferences. Scott is the last to the table, slumping into his chair before almost nodding off into his plate.

“Coffee, Scott.” I hand him his large mug, filled with fresh coffee and some sugar.

“You’re the best, Lena...” He mumbles as he accepts the mug, holding like it was some precious artifact and not just a cup of coffee. 

“So, Laura and I were thinking we could have like a Barbeque at the farm with everyone. Take a break and escape the city for a while. She’s dying to meet you, Lena. She wants to be assured that you exist and I’m not just making up stories. She’s not sure anyone else is crazy enough to marry an Avenger.” Clint says over his cup of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. 

“Oh, I can’t wait to see the kids again.” Nat says, already excited. I always forget that Clint has a wife and kids. He’s goes back home frequently but he also goes on lots of missions and is here in the mornings.

“I’d love to meet her, Clint.” He nods, everyone else agreeing with the idea. The date was set, the end of this week and when everyone went their separate ways after the meal I sat in the kitchen and began to stress. 

“Do I bring something to share? More than one dish? There are going to be a lot of us there, I shouldn’t expect her to cook enough for all of them, she’s a mother too, she’s got kids to take care of. Maybe I’ll make a few big dishes... Or maybe that’d be rude. What if I do that and she thinks that I think that she can’t cook well and that’s why I brought so much food? I don’t want to be rude, it’s Clint’s wife! Oh God, I should have just kept my mouth shut. I’ll make two dishes, just normal. Maybe everyone else will bring their own... But what if they don’t and we get there and she didn’t make enough, I don’t want to make her feel bad! Ugh, social gatherings are the worst! I’ll make three- no I’ll ask Nat what I should do. She knows Laura... She’ll tell me what to do... Oh, what if she doesn’t know either? What if she thinks I’m dumb for asking?” I keep ranting to myself under my breath as I pace the kitchen before stopping in front of the counter and glaring at it like it’s the things that causing all these problems. “And what kind do I bring? Hot, cold, sweet, savory, main dish, side dish, dessert, healthy, heart attack on a plate? All of them? No, no that’d be too many.” I’m tapping out a frantic beat on the counter with my fingers, my nails clicking against the marble. 

“Okay, doll, I need you to take a deep breath for me.”

“God, I’ve really lost it! I’m hearing Bucky’s voice now... Oh, they are all going to think I’m crazy...” 

“Sweetheart, I’m right here. No one thinks you’re crazy.” I spin and sure enough Bucky is there, grinning as he leans against the wall. 

“Bucky, what do I do? How many- What type- I just-”

“Lena, breathe in before you pass out.” He saunters over, taking my face between his hands. Once I’ve calmed down he smiles, asking F.R.I.D.A.Y. to put on some swing music. “Come and dance with me.” He pulls me out of the kitchen and pushes the dining table out of the way, giving us plenty of room on the wood floors. “Steve says you and he were learning.”

“I’m not that good, Bucky. I did try and learn when you were under, I wanted to surprise you with it but... I’m not good...”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” He pulls me close and when the music start we start to dance. It’s fast and has a completely different feel to it than when I danced with Steve. 

Its breath taking, the feeling of being weightless as Bucky spins and twists us to the beat, a bright smile lighting up his face and half the room. From one song to the next, Bucky effortlessly shifts between them, fast and slow, happy and sad. Soon I don’t even know why I was freaking out before, I don’t even care. The only thing that matters is the smile on our faces as we twirl around.

“Oh God, this looks like fun. Clint, come on!” Nat says some the hall and soon from the corner of my eye I can see Clint and Nat dancing too. Thor, Steve and Scott all watch from the side lines, smiling at the carefree atmosphere.

“Wanda, would you care to dance?” Vision’s voice breaks through the music next. They join in next but Bucky is by far the best dancer out of all of us. He makes it look so effortless, as easy as breathing. 

“You dance good, doll.” Bucky says as the music slowly to a stop, panting slightly but looking completely at ease and happy. The smile on my face is just as happy as I push my way into his arms and hug him tight.

“We should dance more often...”

“Yeah, we should.” He agrees, nuzzling the top of my head. “Hey, Clint, Lena wants to know if she should cook something for the picnic thing.” 

“Oh, here, I’ll give you Laura’s number. You two can plan out the food.” He whips out his phone, quickly texting me the number before heading off with Nat and Thor to play on the Wii. 

“Thank you, Bucky.”

“No problem. Can’t have my wife freaking out on me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I do believe that I can see the end of this story in sight, maybe... hopefully. As much as I love these two I don't think I can write their story forever. Here's to hoping I can finish this right when the time comes. Sorry if this next chapter seems kind of abrupt, I was trying so hard to write the get together with Clint's family but it just wasn't coming so I moved on.

It’s been a little over a year since that big mission and my almost death. I thought that times couldn’t get better than the two years I spent with Bucky in Romania. I was wrong. This is better. I get my time with Bucky, I get to see him happy with other people than just me, have violent nightmares less and less. I get to have a whole bunch of goofball friends, superhero’s who are so dorky sometimes you have to wonder.

Every day is something new. Playing Twister was an adventure, the dancing game on the Kinect thing was even more so. Steve and Bucky’s faces were priceless at what dancing has turned into.

Christmas was an absolute blast, everyone getting everyone something, a steering wheel given from Bucky to Sam, Sam in turn getting Bucky God-awful ugly magnets to stick to his arm. Tony having made everyone some sort of fancy computer, it can do all sorts of nifty things. Thor brought us stuff back from Asgard, Nat gave everyone a gun. Clint sent us homemade Christmas tree ornaments of all shapes and sizes. Wanda and Vision both got us interesting little trinkets from across the world. Steve drew us all portraits, which were amazing. Bruce had been secretly taking pictures of all our best moments and had one of those digital frames full of pictures for each of us. Scott got everyone their own miniature tank keychain with a little button thingy on it so, if we ever need a tank, we have one. He refused to tell us where he got the tanks from. I got ugly Christmas sweaters for everyone and made them all wear them for a picture.

We really are like some big weird family, full of flaws but they only make us stronger. I feel like I have a purpose beyond helping Bucky. I get to put together a little home time for all the superheroes. What had been our separate floors at the start had at some point melded into one big house.

Today Tony, Vision, and Thor are on a mission, something about mountains and how it’ll be easier if the people going could fly. The rest of us are just hanging out as always. Nat and Wanda are having a spa day, Steve, Bucky, and Sam are out on a run, Bruce is in the lab doing God know what, Scott’s planning a birthday party for Cassie. I’m in our room, trying to figure out where to hang up all the new pictures I’ve added to our collection. Our walls are covered in them, the one in the center and most obvious was the one Bucky had given me for my birthday. It’s still my favorite...

Other than picture organizing I don’t have anything else planned for the day. I’ve been so tired this past week, which doesn’t make sense, Bucky and I both have been sleeping wonderfully. Add that to the headaches and I just don’t feel like interacting with people.

With a tired flop I land on the bed, bouncing a few times before curling up into a tiny ball. It’s such a nice day out, why must it be today that I feel like crap?

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, can you scan me? Tell me why I feel so bad? If not I can go to the doctors or something, maybe Bruce can help...”

“Of course, Mrs. Barnes.” I’m not sure if I should stand or something so I simply roll over and lay flat so she can scan me or whatever. “Mrs. Barnes, it appears that you are pregnant.”

For several moments I lay in bed, blinking at the ceiling, not comprehending the AI’s words.

“Mrs. Barnes, are you well? I said-”

“I- I’m pregnant?”

“Yes.”

“You– you’re sure?” My voice shakes, so many emotions swirling around my already upset body that I’m not sure I could stand up and walk if I needed.

“Yes.”

“Oh God...” I start hyperventilating.

Oh my good Lord, I’m going to have a baby.

I’m going to be a mom.

Bucky’s going to be a dad.

**OH GOD!!!!!**

“D-d-don’t- don’t- don’t tell anyone, F.R.I.D.A.Y. No one. Okay? I want to tell them that I’m... I’m... Holy shit, I’m...”

“Pregnant.”

“Yes, **that.”**

“Very well, I won’t tell anyone. Is there anything else you need?”

“No, thank you.” I’m left alone, I mean, I was all alone before but I just feel like I’m not alone when I’m talking with any of the many AI that Tony has. I know that F.R.I.D.A.Y. is still watching everything but...

Holy frick fracking mother of pearl, _**I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!**_

I’ve got to tell Bucky.

Should I tell everyone else?

No, Bucky first, and then we’ll wait and see how it all goes.

I manage to stumble to my feet, unable to stay laying down still any longer. I pace, quick short steps on the soft carpet. When’s he coming back from his run? Soon? Please be soon...  Okay, calm down, Lena. Take a deep breath. That’s good, keep breathing, relax. Everything is okay, better than okay. You’re going to be a mom, have a family. You and Bucky...

I can’t help the goofy smile at the thought of Bucky being a dad. He’s good with kids, at least he’s good with Cassie and all the Barton kids. He’s going to make a great dad...

On my phone as I pace I start to look up what I should and shouldn’t do while pregnant. I know the basics, no drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. But there’s more, I’m sure there is. When I hear Sam loudly complaining about the super soldiers I freeze. I dash to the door, standing several feet away.

Bucky walks in, not even looking that sweaty. When he sees me he smiles, his eyes bright and happy, all I can do is stand there and stare at him.

“Hey, doll, how was home?”

My eyes are wide as I stare, my mouth open but I can’t seem to say the words. Just spit it out, Lena, you’re going to worry him. Just two words, I’m pregnant. Say it.

“Lena? Is something wrong?” The light dims from his eyes, his brow lowering. In some part of my brain I realize I’m starting to hyperventilate but I still just stand there trying to speak.

Bucky steps closer but before he can pull me into a hug my hands fly up and cover my abdomen. His eyes follow my hands, staring at them thoroughly confused. Then his eyes start to widen, flashing back up to mine, back to my hands and then my eyes again.

“I-I-I’m-” I stutter, my arms wrapping tighter around where there is a baby growing.

“You’re-” I nod frantically, his hands clasping my shoulders tightly. That’s when he freezes, his eyes much too wide and far away. When he doesn’t move or say anything I start to worry. Oh my God, we never even talked about this. What if he doesn’t want kids?!

“Y-you don’t want a kid?” I whisper, my face crumpling, tears quickly filling my eyes. At that he looks even more scared, his eyes flashing back to reality.

“No- _I mean yes_ , I- I do! I want one, I’ve always wanted one. I just... I didn’t think I could... After everything they did to me, I just assumed that... But you’re- you’re-”

“Pregnant, Mr. Barnes.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. supplies from above us. Both of us laugh for a moment, nodding to the AI. Why are we having such a hard time saying it?

“I’m going to be a dad...” I nod, the tears spilling over only to be mopped up by Bucky. “You’re going to be a mom...” Again I nod, now Bucky joining in on the crying. “We’re going to have a baby, our baby...” I just keep nodding, a happy sob breaking free. With desperate need I hug Bucky, his arms tight around me as well. And for the longest time we just stand there crying into each other.

“Shall I inform everyone else?”

**“NO!”** We both shout.

“We’ll tell then later on in the pregnancy. Just in case something happens or F.R.I.D.A.Y. is wrong.” Bucky nods as he talks, his voice a tad too fast.

“I’m not wrong.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. sounds a more that a bit affronted that we would even think that she could be wrong.

“Still...” I trail off, completely agreeing with Bucky. His hands slide down to my abdomen, which is still as flat as ever. Then he starts laughing, a well and truly happy laugh from deep in his chest. His hands grip my waist and he spins me around.

“I want to scream it as loud as I can but then everyone would hear...” He admits when he calms down, both of us sitting on the bed snuggling. “We’re going to have a baby!” He whispers excitedly in my ear. A loud knock at the door pulls us from our bliss and Bucky stands up to answer it.

“We still up for running Tony’s new course?” Steve asks.

“Oh, yeah, sure. Give me a second.”

“You’re in a good mood...”

“Am I? Just glad to see my wife. When you get married you’ll understand too, punk.” Bucky jokes with Steve who just laughs and shakes his head.

“Hello, Lena.”

“Hi Steve. How was the run?”

“Good. We passed Sam so many times we lost count.”

“I’m sure he’s just a happy camper now isn’t he?”

“Oh yeah, he took it like a champ. No complaining at all, never Sam.” Bucky gets changed quickly, giving me a quick hard kiss and an ecstatic smile before heading off with Steve.

I don’t things could get any better right now if I tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, please don't hate me. :/
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos you guys have been leaving, it's hard for me to believe that it's got 200. :)

It’s been two months and one-ish weeks since we learned that I was pregnant. A few more weeks and we’re going to tell everyone. Bucky and I have been abnormally happy, big surprise there, and everyone has noticed but have just sort of let it go. I’m even starting to show a teeny tiny bit, not that anyone besides me or Bucky would even look close enough to notice.

We’ve been very careful with what I eat and everything, what I do around the Tower and such. All in all, my life isn’t that much different. We go to a doctor in secret, F.R.I.D.A.Y. found us one without notifying Mr. Stark or anyone. We’ve decided we don’t want to know the gender or anything, to just let it happen. We do have picture stashed away of the ultra sounds.

We’re not only having a baby, we’re having twins. Two babies...! The second the doctor person told us we both just sat there and cried. He thought we were upset but we couldn’t be any happier.  
Most nights Bucky and I talk about where they are going to sleep and who’s going to be the godparents, obviously Steve is going to be the godfather but I don’t really know who the godmother will be. I don’t really know any girls other than Nat and Wanda. I’m leaning towards Nat to be honest.

The other big thing we talk about is names. His top picks are Ann and Rose for girls, William and Henry for boys. My favorites are Chloe and Sophie for girls, Phillip and Liam for boys. To be honest I like the sound of all the names we’ve picked. Just spending time talking about it and dreaming about the babies is fun. God, we both are so exited...

Bucky, Steve, Wanda and Sam all went out on a mission late last night. They should be getting back any minute now. I found some adorable little onesies online today, I really want to show him. I wait in the hanger, the jet flying in slowly before landing. The sun is just beginning to rise, the sky a pretty pink color.

The door thingy opens and they all step out looking really worn out. Steve and Bucky also look really wet. I walk up quickly, smiling at all of them. Bucky’s answering smile is tired, his eyes dark. Something must not have gone well... Without a word he pulls me into his arms, his face pressing into my neck, his wet hair tickling me.

“Why are you and Steve so wet? You guy go swimming after the mission?”

“They jumped from the plane without a parachute into the ocean-”

“Wait-!” Both Bucky and Steve say, trying to stop Wanda from telling me the absolute stupidity my husband and his dear friend had done.

_**“What?”**_ I push back on Bucky’s shoulders. At least he has the audacity to look me in the eyes apologetically, Steve is just looking guilty at the floor.

“It was perfectly safe... Honest, doll, we weren’t gonna to get hurt. And we didn’t.”

“James Buchanan Barnes and Steven Grant Rogers! You idiots! You both know better, especially you Bucky. What are w- am I going to do if one day you pull a stunt like that but it doesn’t go well and you end up dead? Hmm?! What then?” They both blanch when I yell their full names. Tears are quickly filling my eyes. I hate how easily I cry these days! Bucky is trying to hug me but I push him away and run off.

“Lena!” He calls after me but I keep running, getting on the elevator and heading straight to Scott’s room. I storm in, and he looks up from his Skype call with Cassie. I flop into the giant plush chair he bought when he first got here, letting him finish his call without any more interruptions.

“What’s up, Lena? You alright?”

“They- they jumped without a parachute! I- I- I need him, I need them...!” I sob, knowing that I’m over reacting but I just can’t help it.

“They do it all the time-” At that I sob all the louder. “Right, sorry, sorry!” He rubs my back, waiting for me to calm down before talking again. “Lena, I know you aren’t going to like the sound of this, but that’s just what they do. We all could get hurt and not come home, that’s just part of the job.”

“But it’s an unnecessary risk! They could do their job just as well with a parachute...”

“That may be true, but you’ve gotta trust that they know what they’re doing.”

“But-”

“Do you trust Bucky?” I nod, sniffling none too delicately. “There you go. You know he’s good at what he does and you know that he loves you more than anything. He’ll always come back for you.” I nod again, giving Scott a big hug. “Now, why don’t you go out there to your husband before he breaks my door.”

“Thank you, Scott.” He smiles and nudges me towards the exit. I open the door and a very apologetic Bucky looks down at me.

“I’m sorry, doll. Me and Steve both are real sorry...”

“I forgive you guys...” Bucky swings me into his arms and I wrap my own around his neck, hiding my face in his shoulder. “But I need you to be careful, Bucky. We need you.” I whisper, curling in on myself a little.

“I will be, I swear.” He nods and I nod back.

“I had some stuff I wanted to show you but I’m really tired.”

“You can show me later, darlin’. Let’s get some rest.”

Once we're in bed and snuggly warm we fall asleep in no time at all. I'm pressed close into his side, his hand resting over my slowly growing abdomen. We both feel better by the time we wake up for dinner which Mr. Stark ordered in. Steve is very apologetic over dinner, and when I tell him I forgive him he visibly relaxes. Although that relaxation lasts only a moment until I threaten him, making sure he knows exactly what I'll do to them if this happens again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	56. Chapter 56

The next day Wanda is acting really weird. She hardly ate any of the special meal I made at her request, she hardly looked at anyone, not even Vision. She must be having a hard time with something and I wish I could help but I’ve never been all that close to her. We talk every now and again but it’s nothing significant.

I ignore it, making something a bit more relaxed for lunch. I haven’t seen Bucky in a while, he said he’d be here to help me make the bread, he likes the smell of it as it bakes, but that was thirty minutes ago. Once everything is off and cooking I start to look for him. He doesn’t usually miss things like this, I wonder what happened...

When I round the corner into the study room Mr. Stark made, full of all sorts of book and things, I see Wanda and Bucky just standing there, not talking. As I close in I see Wanda’s hands are raised near Bucky’s temples, the red energy glowing faintly. What is she doing?! Her eyes are glazed over, as if she was seeing through everything.

“Bucky? Wanda? What are you doing?” At my voice they don’t move, not even turning my way. What is she doing to Bucky?! “Hey! What-” At my shout Bucky spins, his eyes completely glazed over likes Wanda’s. His lips pull back into a snarl and he stalks towards me, growling loudly. He’s not Bucky, but he’s not the Winter Soldier either, that monster has a different look to him than this one.

What the hell did Wanda do?!

I step back, my eyes flickering between them.

“Wanda, what-” When I start to talk Bucky lunges for me. I dodge, turn tail and sprint out of there. What’s going on?!

I can hear the sound of his heavy boots as he chases me, growling like and animal as he does. I’m so damn scared right now! As I turn the corners of the halls I pull out my phone, screaming at it to dial Mr. Stark.

“Itsy-Bitsy, what is it? I’m-”

“Something’s wrong with Bucky. Wanda did something. Chasing me, not happy.” At my frantic tone Mr. Stark stops talking, saying something to F.R.I.D.A.Y. before cursing. “Tony?!” I whimper, my voice cracking, I think that’s the first time I’ve called him by his name.

“Okay, Lena. I’m going to give you directions and you are going to follow them. F.R.I.D.A.Y, get me a suit! Alright, two left’s and the straight until you reach the end of the hallway.”

“Where-?”

“The cage Banner built for himself. It should be able to handle Tinman.” I nod, my heart racing as adrenaline pumps through my veins. He’s getting closer, the only advantage I have is that I know where I’m going. I don’t stumble into walls because I’m running too fast without clear directions like he is. “Okay, now take a right, up the stairs and another right.” I nod and keep running, ignoring the burning pain in my lungs and in my muscles.

“Lena, what’s going on?!” Steve’s voice says through the coms. I’d try to talk but I just can’t manage that and run at the same time. “Lena?!”

“She can’t talk and run for her life at the same time, she’s just a normal person. She getting tired. You’re almost there, Itsy-Bitsy. So close. Just keep going. You’re doing really well.” Tony keeps encouraging me as I run, my pace already slowing with fatigue. “So you’re going to run in, wait for Tinman to join you and then you are going to jump up, high as you can. I’ll grab you and fly you out the top.” I nod again, that’s all I can do...

It’s hard to miss the door to the cage thingy. It’s surrounded in thick glass and what I assume is Vibranium. When I stop in the center I can see the Iron Man suit hovering above me just out of sight. I turn just in time to see the animalistic Bucky storm in, snarling at me as he pants. He dives for me and I jump as high as I can, Tony grabbing my hands and pulling me out before Bucky can grab me.

He flies us away, the opening sealing shut. I’m panting so hard, my entire body’s trembling, screaming at me for what I just did. Tony says something, maybe it’s to me, maybe it’s to FRIDAY, I don’t know, it gets lost under the sound of my frantic gasps and my heart pounding.

“Lena, you’re safe, everything is okay.” It take a while for us to get into the building again, having to go the roundabout way because of some new construction. By the time we land inside at the cage again I’m seething. Tony puts me down and I’m instantly running at Wanda.

**“What the fuck did you do?!”** I scream, my voice hoarse. I’m about to grab her when Vision steps in the way, looking down at me with maybe a slight bit of anger.

“She did nothing.” He says but I snarl at him, I literally snarl. I didn’t know I could make that sound...

“She did, I saw her. She did this to him! **Move!!** ” I bang my hands on his chest, trying to dive around him to grab the woman who hurt my husband. They thought Bucky was bad when he was angry? They haven’t seen angry, I’ll give him a run for his damn money.

“I don’t... I can’t remember... I wouldn’t...” She mumbles out, wringing her hands and looking broken and confused but I couldn’t fucking care less. That’s my husband in there, the father of the kids growing inside me, and I need him, they need him!

“You did, you fucking piece of shit! How dare you mess with his head! What did you do?!” My hands are killing me, my attacks on the very solid Vision not getting me anywhere.

“Lena, calm down, now!” Steve says, voice as stern as it is loud. He wraps his hands around my upper arms, pulling me away from the red man and the woman he was blocking me from.

“Put me down, Steve! She did this, I saw her!”

“Enough, Lena! She wouldn’t do that!”

“But she fucking did!! Aren’t you listening to me?! **I saw her!** ” A loud bang on the glass draws all our attention and we turn to see Bucky, or whatever he’s been turned into, banging on the glass for all he’s worth, snarling and growling like an enraged animal. Eventually when he sees it’s not going to do anything he stops, settling for stalking around the circular cage, his eyes glowing with anger.

“Something must have triggered him, something we missed. The Winter Soldier-”

“That’s not the fucking Winter Soldier, Steve, look at him. He’s gone. Bucky, the Soldier, everything. He’s just acting on instincts now, and he’s damn pissed.” I bite out, glaring at Wanda.

“You don’t-”

“The hell I don’t! You know that the Soldier wouldn’t hurt me, couldn’t. And neither could Bucky. This isn’t them, she did something, ripped it all out or shoved something in, I don’t know. But she did something, Steve!” He’s still holding me tight despite my struggling.

“Until we’ve got proof I need you to calm down Lena.”

“Proof? **Proof?!** So I’m lying now? Why in the fucking hell would I lie about this Steve?!”

“Lena, please! We need to sort things out.” He drops me on the edge of the group, the Avengers, my friends, _Bucky’s friends_. Everyone is here, all of them armed and ready to go, ready to beat Bucky down without a second thought if need be. They start talking, excluding me even though it’s my damn husband locked in that cage right now.

Tears well up, angry, livid, **furious** tears.

Fine, if they won’t help him, I’ll do it myself!

I stomp over to the door, using the code I heard Tony tell Steve earlier, Steve must have opened it in the first place. The door hisses as it opens, the sound drawing the attention of the man inside. He had settled for staring at the two way glass panel that everyone is behind.

“Lena!” Steve yells but I close the door, smashing the panel with my phone. Red lights flash outside of the little window on the door, signaling that something was very wrong. They weren’t getting in here.

I drop the smashed technology and turn to the man seething at me from across the cage. My Bucky is in there somewhere, he has to be. He wouldn’t just give up and let someone fuck with his mind again, not after everything he’s been through.

I’ll find him or fucking die trying.

I take a few tentative steps towards him, my hands raised up in a non-threatening manner. Not that it helps. The second I take the third step he lunges at me, hands grabbing my shoulders in a painfully tight grasp and slamming my back into the glass.

With great effort I keep myself from screaming out of pain or fear. I hold it all in and bite my lip. His harsh eyes stare at me, his lips still pulled back into a snarl.

After a deep breath I start to talk as slowly, as quietly, as soothingly as I can in my current situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks- as always- for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, everything. It makes me happy that people like my story. :)

“Get it open, Tony!” Steve yells, his heart racing. He doesn’t know what to do anymore and this had to be one of the few times he’s ever felt that way.

“I can’t, Cap! It’s in lock down mode. It knows something’s wrong, assumes the Hulk is in there and no one is getting in!” Tony yells back, his hands typing frantically as he tries to override the program he made to be unable to be overridden. “Fuck! We weren’t done, we never got the speakers installed. We can’t hear a thing she’s saying and we can’t talk to her. She even smashed her phone. Damn it, Lena!”

“I can read her lips.” Clint pushes to the front, leaning close to the glass and focusing on the small woman pinned to the wall by that monster.

~~~~~

“Your name is Bucky. Bucky Barnes.” I start, my voice shaking. To be honest I don’t even know if he can understand me right now, but I’ve got to try...

“You’re married to me, Lena.” He just keep growling, pressing me harder into the glass, his grip cutting off the blood flow to my hands, metal fingers biting harshly into my skin.

“You’re a good man, you save people.” Still nothing, not even a flicker of recognition.

~~~~~

“You lived with me in Romania for two years.” Clint mutters, repeating what Lena says. The room around him is silent apart from the sound of Tony working. All eyes are locked on the pair behind the impenetrable glass. “You like sweets, you eat ice cream for dinner sometimes.”

~~~~~

“You taught me how to take care of myself in a fight, not that it does me much good.” I say with a nervous laugh. Obviously it’s not doing me any good, just look at my current situation...

“You love dancing, you’re the best dancer I’ve ever seen.” I think back over the dance in the dining room, the first time he had danced with me. We had gone dancing, on a date once. It was amazing, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.

~~~~~

“You think jumping out of planes without a parachute is okay if you’re over the ocean.” Clint keeps talking and Steve just feels worse and worse with every single facet of his friend’s life that Lena is sharing. He can’t lose them, either of them. “You think that it’s funny to tease me about my height.” Everyone has moved close to Clint as he goes on, his voice soft. They’re all huddled around the man, leaning on one another, ears trained on his voice, eyes locked on the woman inside the cage.

“Tony, please, _anything_...”

“I’m trying, Cap.”

~~~~~

“You tease Steve because he thought that fondue meant sex.” I still get a kick out of that one. The night Bucky had first told me I had fallen off the couch laughing so hard.

“You took me to a festival and we got a ton of pictures taken, you still carry a strip of them around with you.” The ones where he’s trying to turn me red by kissing, pinching and biting whatever he could. It worked, by the last photo I am brighter than a tomato.

~~~~~

“Fondue? Really Steve?” Tony asks with a tight laugh. Steve smiles despite the situation. Leave it to Bucky to remember that...

“You saved me when I was kidnapped and tortured.” This got everyone attention. They had never heard that story, never any mention of it. They all tucked that piece of information away for later, if she ever got out of there they would make a point to ask her. “You love black and white movies and somehow hate Lord of the Rings.” Clint voice shifts from soft and slightly nervous to appalled in no time flat. How could anyone hate Lord of the Rings?

~~~~~

“You would do anything to protect your friends, your team. Even if you don’t show it.” I keep going, having long since lost feeling in my hands. I think his grip is letting up a bit, I think I see a flicker of something in his harsh blue eyes... but that just might be my imagination.

“You like it when I kiss your metal hand because you can feel it now. It makes you feel like it’s no longer a weapon to be used.” His grip does lessen this time, a tiny bit of blood reaching my fingers. There is some flicker of recognition in his eyes. It’s small and I don’t know what it means, but it’s there.

~~~~~

“You secretly can’t tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.” Tony actually stops at that one, looking in at the people in the cage with horror.

“That gets fixed the second this is all over. That’s a crime.” He shakes his head. He must have explained the differences hundreds of times, made both him and Steve sit through marathons of them both.

“You love to play with Tony’s robots when no one is looking, especially Dum-E.”

~~~~~

“You’re glad Steve found Sam even through you two don’t get along the best. You’re glad he found another friend to stick by him and his stubborn punk ass.” I know that Bucky and Sam don’t get along the greatest but Bucky would give his life to protect anyone on the team, Sam included- Sam especially-because he knows that Steve needs him.

“And you what else you are? You’re going to be a...”

~~~~~

Clint’s heart stop when he sees the last words. Moments later it kicks into high gear, beating a mile a minute. He turns to frantically look at Tony who’s still trying to get the door open.

“Now Tony, you get in there now. I don’t care if you have to blow the thing wide open. You get in there and we get her out!”

“What the hell, Barton!? What do you think I’ve been doing-?”

**“NOW!!”**

“Clint, what did she say? Why are you so keen on-”

Clint turns and gives Steve a looks that cuts him off. He storms towards the door and tries to pull it open

“Clint?” Nat asks this time and he spins, angry and worried for the small woman who trapped herself in there.

“She’s pregnant.” He whispers but everyone heard the words. Every single person in the room freezes, not even breathing as those two words sink in.

“...Fuck.” Steve mutters as he dives for the door, trying to pry it open with his bare hands. **“Fuck!”**

~~~~~

“… dad. We’re having twins. You love them so much already and they haven’t even been born.” At that word I can see another flicker in his eyes, a light to the hard icy blue. He lets go now, looking down at my abdomen. He moves his hands towards the ever so slight bump but my instincts kick in and my arms cover it first.

His eyes, no longer angry but no less unfamiliar flash up to mine. His brow is still lowered, he still doesn’t look happy, but I don’t think right now he’s going to hurt me. I reluctantly move my arms away, more afraid now than I have been all day. Those are my children, **mine,** I don’t want them hurt, not ever, not by anyone.

With surprisingly gentle movements his hands come to rest on the tiny bump, the large hands easily spanning my abdomen and over to my waist like they always do. His eyes narrow as he looks down and then back at me. I slowly cover his hands with mine, ignoring the growing growl.

“You’re kids are in there, growing more and more each day.” I whisper. “And I know you wouldn’t hurt them, not ever.” He grunts this time, low in his throat but it’s a different from earlier. I think he's agreeing with me. Any other day, under any other circumstances, I'd laugh at having to translate Bucky's grunts. But today, all I can do is shake my head and keep trying to get through to him.

The sound of the door being forcibly pulled open instantly puts this new side of Bucky on edge again. He moves in front of me, arms out as if to shield me. Another low growl is forming deep in his chest, and he’s shifting his weight to the balls of his feet, ready for anything.

“Let her go, Buck.” Steve says, walking in first with his shield up.

“Get out, Steve. I’ve got this.”

“Lena, you’re pregnant! You shouldn’t be in here with it. Think about your kids!” Steve bites out, glaring at me from above the shiny shield.

“ _It?!_ This is my husband- you’re best friend!- or at least he was before Wanda got involved. And don’t you dare bring my kids up, Steve. They need their father and you weren’t doing anything to get him back, you weren’t listening to me. So I’ll get him back on my own.” I try my best not to yell, and I don’t, my voice just gets a tad bit loud... Alright, so I’m yelling!  Big deal!  I think it’s understandable in this situation.

Steve takes another step but Bucky damn near roars at him, a wordless shout of pure anger and a warning of what will happen if he keeps coming closer. The way Bucky holds himself, the tenseness that’s strung out through his entire body, it kind of reminds me of a cat waiting to pounce. Like a spring coiled up and just waiting to be released.

“Lena, it’s not safe-”

“It’s never safe. Especially when your teammates do fucked up things to your head!” I don’t know where Wanda is but I hope she’s listening. Vision phases in through the wall of people now, looking angry as hell.

“She did not do anything!” He insists, moving for me. But Bucky is having none of that. He moves like lightning, the tension snapping, and hits the foolishly unsuspecting Vision with his metal arm, knocking the man back behind Steve.

Everyone freezes because no one has ever been able to move Vision besides Wanda when she used her powers on the stone in his forehead. Bucky resumes his place in front of me, the tension recoiling.

“Get out, Steve. All off you. Go do something useful like find out what she did. You’re not being any help here.” I feel bad, I don’t want to be angry at all of them. They are just concerned for me. But they don’t believe me that Wanda did something. They are just going to piss off this Bucky and someone is going to get hurt.

They leave, all but Steve who plops down in the doorway at watches our every move. When everything has stilled again, I slowly- so very slowly- touch Bucky’s back. He glances over his shoulder at me and I give him a tiny smile. He relaxes somewhat, turning half the way to face me.

With more slow movements I slide my back down the glass and sit on the floor, patting the spot in front of me with another smile. He narrows his eyes, glaring again at Steve before sitting down.

“Can you understand me?” I ask, slowly taking his hand and resting it over our kids. He shifts his eyes down to look at our hands before looking back up at softly grunting.

He really is like an animal, all instincts, but somehow I’m getting through to him, at least a little. My Bucky is in there fighting, I know it. I pat the ground closer to me, wanting him to move. His eyes flash back to Steve but I shake my head.

“Steve won’t do anything. Please come closer...” With a small sigh he moves, reluctantly removing his hand. When he’s mostly next to me I lean against his shoulder, my eyes siding shut. “I’m so damn tired, let me rest for a second.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	58. Chapter 58

That second quickly stretched into something longer, my eyes sliding shut of their own accord and I must have really fallen asleep. When I wake up I’m on my side, my head resting on his thigh, my face pressed into his hip. One of his hands is resting atop my head, hesitantly sliding his fingers over the hair beneath it.

“Her name is Lena, big guy. Can you say that?” Steve’s voice echoes slightly in the empty cage. Bucky makes no move to talk, not even to show that he heard or understood Steve. “She’d be happy if you could say it.”

“...Mine...” He mutters with a soft rumble, his voice raspy from all the growling and yelling. Steve chuckles.

“Yeah, she’s all yours.” Bucky’s body moves as he nods in agreement. After a long pause in their conversation I decide it’s time for me to wake up. I arch my back, stretching out, and roll over with a soft moan. I’m so sore...! My lips pull up into a smile when I look up at Bucky.

“Mine.” He says more confidently, although no less rough. He presses his hand against the side of my neck, his thumb stroking along my jaw.

“Yep, yours. And you’re mine.” My hand raises to his cheek and I trace my thumb along the bones just under the skin. He looks confused at that but tilts his head ever so slightly into my hand. “Come on, I’m starving.” More confusion and an upset growl when I stand. He quickly joins me, eyes once again flashing warily to Steve.

“Come on, man. We we’re talking- well, I talked and you listened, but still- for two hours we got along fine and I still get that look?” Steve stands with a forced smile and walks out first. I take the new Bucky’s hand and lead him out. When we step out I can see Wanda out of the corner of my eyes but I bite back the anger for now.

“Um, Lena... Are you- are you sure we should be letting it- him- out to wander? I mean, what if he loses it again? I- I just think-”

“It’ll be fine, Bruce, thank you.” Everyone’s eyes follow us as we walk slowly to the stairs. I’m not going to risk getting Bucky into an elevator...

“So, when were you going to tell us?” Nat asks as she and Clint join us in the stairwell.

“In a week or two. We’re having twins!” I say with an excited smile down at the two of them. Clint just shakes his head in wonder.

“You’re going to look like a blimp.”

“Clint!” Nat punches his shoulder but he just laughs.

“He’s right, though...” I look down at my abdomen and I can already picture how big I’m going to get. With a deep frown I sigh. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that it doesn’t make me nervous. I don’t want Bucky to think I look fat or ugly, I mean, I know he won’t, because he’s the best husband ever, but the feeling is still there... If I ever get my Bucky back that is...

I stumble while I’m distracted, my foot catching on the edge of the carpet and Bucky’s arms quickly surround me, holding me tight against him.

“Thanks...” He released me but keeps one arm around my waist from then on. Nat and Clint keep talking cheerily, about names and how they are going to spoil them. When we reach the kitchen on our floor we are laughing at the thought of Thor babysitting.

“I’m going to heat up some leftovers. You guys all okay with that?” Clint and I both nod, Bucky glancing around the room to make sure no one’s going to jump out and attack us.

“Come on, let’s go sit on the couch.” He again follows silently, sitting down like I motioned for him to. I move to sit next to him but he grabs my wrist and pulls me down into his lap. I shrug and curl into him, resting my head over his heart. He buries his face in my hair, content for the moment.

“Here you cuddle-bugs go.” Nat says suddenly from behind us and Bucky jumps up, me still tight in his arms, glaring at the spy. She freezes, plates still in hand. “Sorry, didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Just brought over the food.” Bucky waits until she sets the plates down and walks away before letting me down.

“Come on, let’s eat.” After a bit more coaxing I get him to sit again. “Oh, here. You don’t like green peppers. I’ll trade you.” I take the peppers from his plate and give him some of my sautéed mushrooms instead.

He eats in a hurry, at least that hasn’t changed. Although I haven’t seen him inhale food like this since he was in my garage...

“Lena, bring him over to Banner’s lab.” Tony says over and poor Bucky tenses up again, looking for the source of the voice, only getting more distressed when he can’t find it. I smooth my hand over his back, gently running it up until my finger are tangled in his hair, gently massaging his neck.

“Come on, Bucky.” My fingers slip down to thread with his own and we walk off, once again taking the stairs. I talk as we go, just trying to keep him calm. I have a feeling that there are going to be quite a few people in Bruce’s lab. My Bucky, although he had been getting better with groups of people, still preferred a few. This Bucky certainly isn’t going to enjoy having everyone there...

Wanda is there and the anger resurfaces. Although this time both she and Vision look guilty. Did they finally listen? Tony is about to walk over to us but Bruce holds him back, nodding to the way Bucky has tensed up again, ready to snap anyone’s neck.

“We combed through the security video and it does look like Wanda did something although she can’t remember what or why. We’re thinking someone used her to get to Bucky or maybe all of us.”

“I’m so sorry-” The woman who started all this steps hastily forward to apologize, reaching foolishly for my hand. Bucky snarls, yanking me behind him and stopping Wanda in her tracks.

“Alright, everyone calm down...” Steve mutters, moving between Bucky and the frozen Wanda. Vision pulls her back slowly.

“We need you to get him to sit and let Wanda look-” Tony start but this time I’m to one to cut him off.

_“What?”_

“You may not like it but she’s all we’ve got. It’s gotta be her.”

“ **NO!** She did this to begin with, you want me to let her dig around in his head more?!” At my own loud and angry voice Bucky starts shifting his weight, glaring at the man I was yelling at.

“Lena, Wanda wouldn’t do something like that, you know that. Someone must be using her. Either way we need to get Buck back.”

“No!” I hold one of Bucky’s arm close to me with both arms, glaring at anyone who tried to touch him.

“It’s not your choice to make.”

“The hell it isn’t. I’m his **wife!** ”

“It’s his choice, Lena.” Steve says with a stern expression. “Buck, look at me.” He does, looking at Steve with angry but curious eyes. “You want your Lena, right?” He points to me. “Yours?”

Bucky nods.

“Steve-”

“Then you need to come here and let us help you.” His voice is hard, no room for argument, cutting me off without a glance in my direction.

“Mine?” Bucky’s raspy voice asks quietly, and Steve nods quickly. I’m shaking, already crying. Don’t let her do this, Bucky. Please, don’t. I can’t have you getting any worse...! I’m begging in my head, screaming at him to stop. I try and convey the feelings through my eyes when he glances down at me but it doesn’t work because he slowly nods again.

“Okay, I need you to come and sit down.” Bucky detangles himself from me and slowly walks over, growling at anyone who gets too close. Tony hits a button, restraints snapping into place and I yelp. Just like Hydra, they’re exactly like that. Bucky is trembling now, fear shining brightly in his eyes that stay locked on me.

I cover my mouth to stop from screaming at them. Wanda walks over to him, a sad glance at me first, before her eyes flash red and her powers spark around her hands, the energy quickly vanishing in Bucky’s head. I turn away when Bucky’s eyes close, running out the door and straight into Scott who was waiting.

“I’m going to lose him, Scott... I just know it...” I sob, clutching his shirt in tight fists.

“Come on, Lena, shh... it’s going to be okay. Come on, let’s go sit.” He pulls me along, helping me to the couch before just letting me sob out incoherent sentences until I pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you all go! Another chapter! Yay!! This has been killing me, you guys. I'll write something, hate it, delete it, rewrite it, and still hate it. Hopefully things will smooth out... :/
> 
> Thanks, as per usual, for all the lovely comments you guys leave. The kudos and everything else too. You all are great! :D

I wake up curled into the couch, a blanket tucked around me. The second get my brain working I jump up, running back to Bruce’s lab. I can hear talking, even laughing. What...?

“Lena, just wait a-” Bruce tries to stop me but I push back, so much hope in my chest that it physically hurts. Bucky is awake, sitting up in a bed laughing with Steve who’s sitting next to him.

“Bucky?” Steve spins so fast it’d be funny if not for what Bucky said next.

“Who’re you?” Steve looks unable to do anything, to say anything. “Stevie, you know who this dame is?” He turns to his friend, Brooklyn accent in full swing as he smiles without a care in the world. His voice is off, his eyes are off... He’s not...

He’s not my Bucky.

From the sound of the conversation, the way he talks, how carefree he is, I guess he remembers himself and his past but forgot everything about the future. He seems more like how I thought he’d be growing up. Full of smiles and laughter, Steve’s best friend growing up. Not the man who was in the military, not the Fist of Hydra, not the broken man that woke up when Steve reminded him who he really was, not the pieced together man that loved me...

I feel so light headed, everything’s spinning out of control and I can only watch. My gaze flickers to his hand and his wedding band is gone, the one that Tony made special to stay on his metal hand. He’s talking to me but I can’t hear anything over the sound of my shattering heart. I take in a strangled breath, nothing more than a quick gasp.

“Hey, is she alright? Dame’s in the future really are odd...” Bucky laughs, so happy-go-lucky... I shove my hands into my pocket, trying so hard to stay in one piece even as every part of me is splintering off into **nothingness,** my entire reality is crashing down around me.

“Steve... I, um...” My voice is tight, it hardly sounds like me. Every fiber of my being wants to just scream. Yell at him to remember me, us, **everything.** “I’m... I’m really glad that he’s, ah, he’s awake now. I should... I should...” But at that moment words fail me. As I stare blankly at Steve I try and come up with what I should do. But I just can’t think of a single thing.

What should I do?

I know what I can’t do.

I can’t tell him about me, us, the kids.

I can’t break down in front of him.

I absolutely **can not** drag his mind through the darkness simply for the chance that he’ll remember something about me, not when he looks this carefree and happy.

And as of right now, I can’t seem to function.

I should...

I should probably... leave?

Should I?

No, I should stay, right?

I can’t... I just... What am I...

When it’s obvious that I can’t handle any part of this I turn around, sprinting out as the tears start to fall.

Bruce catches me and I look up at him for a moment, his gaze sympathetic and gentle, before I hide my face in his chest and take a hold of his shirt desperately.

“I can’t do this alone... I can’t raise two kids all by myself, Bruce. Bucky’s gone, my Bucky’s gone... How am I supposed to survive? I’ve lost everything!” I sob, my voice breathless as I try and explain to him although I’m sure he already knows.

“You’ve still got us, Lena. We’re here for you, and we’ll keep trying. I’m sure this is only temporary...” He tries to sound positive but it doesn’t quiet work. “Come on, let’s get you home...”

“I don’t have a home anymore, he’s gone...” I whisper, the weight of it hitting me again. This time I do pass out, everything getting swallowed up by an oppressive, inky darkness.

~~~~~

I don’t know how much time has passed since I ran, I don’t think I really care at this point. With a bleak expression I stare at the ceiling, numbly pondering over what’s happened.

Why did this happen?

What fucking God did I piss off to deserve this?

When I think about it, everything with Bucky, from that very first meeting has been like this.

A Goddamn roller coaster.

Just when things are going perfect something horribly wrong happens, the universe just can’t seem to let us be happy. Not small things like we got into a fight, big things, life changing things. Me getting kidnapped and tortured, the entire civil war with the Avengers, me almost dying.

And now this.

I’m pregnant with twins, we could not be any happier if we tried, so the universe, or God, or whatever the hell hates me with a passion lets this happens.

He’s...

He’s gone, isn’t he?

He’s not... my Bucky isn’t coming home...

Not now, not ever.

I quickly roll over, snatching the closest pillow and covering my face before wailing into it. The only time I stop is to suck in a quick breath every now and then.

Every piece of me is slowly going numb, accepting the fact that he’s gone a lot faster than my heart can. And I hate it. I want to fight it, but I suppose it’s better this way. Maybe I should just forget, there’s less pain if I just forget…

No!

I can’t forget, I’d have to forget my whole life, everything I got because of Bucky.

All my new friends.

All the things I’ve learned.

All the fantastic memories I’ve made.

I can’t just give those up.

I guess I just deal with it, somehow...

~~~~~

“What do you mean he wants to go out? Oh sure, Cap, just let the guy whose mind has been wiped wander the streets of New York, nothing could go wrong with that!” The sarcasm is dripping off every word Tony says, not doing anything to mask the anger and frustration they were all feeling.

Well, all except for Steve. They were all sure he’d feel bad later, but at the moment he was so shocked and thrilled to have his best friend back in one whole piece again he could do little but smile at the man.

The man at the center of all of this has his face pressed up against the windows, staring out in awe at the city sprawling out below him. A city he should have felt at home in but now, everything has changed. The buildings, the cars, the people, the language, everything. His senses are overloaded trying to take it all in.

“We need to focus right now. Something is still out there, whatever controlled Wanda is still a threat and we need to get rid of it before you go have a fucking picnic in central park with your best buddy.”

“Tony, that’s not fair. It’s not his-” Natasha tries to cut in, she’s been trying so hard to keep everyone as relaxed as possible, trying to avoid everyone breaking under the tension.

“I know!! It’s not his fault, it’s _**mine!**_ I should have slowed down and thought about the consequences, I should have taken more precautions, but I didn’t, okay? I didn’t do what I should have and now Lena’s lost her husband. I’ve taken away a father to two children who've done **nothing** to deserve this. **I** did this and I’ll be damned if I don’t do everything I can to fix it.” Tony finally snaps, his voice loud and cracking under the emotions. With one more glance at Bucky he turns around, snapping at F.R.I.D.A.Y. to get him a suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty then, starting with the next chapter I'll be writing in 3rd person, at least trying to. I'm not very good at it so you'll have to cut me some slack. :) Not sure how many I'll do like that, I suppose until I finish this little conflict.
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all need to keep in mind that I usually don't ever write in third person, so if this is crap it's only kinda my fault... :/
> 
> I suppose this is good practice for me though, so whatever.
> 
> Thanks for all the amazing comments, you guys. I really do love hearing from you. :D

There was nowhere Tony needed to go, no immediate situation that demand Iron Man, and it was still far too early to go chasing down suspects. He just needed a moment of silence, a moment to think, to pull himself together. What he had inadvertently caused was eating away at him.

“Those kids...” He muttered. The ever present AI knew better than to say anything in return. With an angry sigh he flies that much faster, heading to God knows where.

Growing up without a father there to guide him, love him, help him grow up to be a good man was something Tony knew a lot about, and it was something that he would never wish on anyone. Certainly not the kids of a friend, a part of the awkward family they had made out of the Avengers. But not only did he play a part in it, he damn near caused it all by himself.

I just didn’t want to lose the team again, he thought. The civil war with Steve had hurt him more than he let on, and when they finally came back it felt like a piece clicked back into place. He’d die before admitting it but it was true none the less.

“She’s never going to forgive me...” With that revelation he stopped flying all together, frozen in the air as the emotions crashed over him. “And she shouldn’t, I took everything. I made her into a single mom... _I_ did that, like a complete bastard, I took him away...” He slowly hovered to the ground, somewhere in Europe maybe, and when his feet hit the ground his body slumped under the weight of the guilt.

He’d done it again. Broken another relationship because he was too rash, too stubborn, too extreme, too... _him_. My parents, Pepper, Steve, Nat, so many people who I could have tried harder with. As he thought of the many people all their faces floated to the front of his mind. And now little Lena too.

Tony hadn’t been sure why he liked her so much after only meet a few short times. He certainly didn’t know what he liked about her right off the bat, he just knew that he hopefully found a friend. Maybe it was because she cared for someone so much even though that person was broken. Maybe it was because even though she’s timid, she’ll call anyone out if they threatened her friends. Maybe it was because in the middle of one of the hardest times in his life, when he had to fight his friends, the very people he has always been trying to protect, she made him laugh by throwing a shoe.

And for a split second when Tony heard Lena was pregnant, in the middle of the entire mess, he was happy, excited even. He was going to get to watch them grown up, spoil them, teach them about robotics and science. Tony had never really wanted kids, he was fairly certain he wouldn’t be a good father. He’d be too busy with a new suit or saving the day, not to mention he’d have to find a woman to put up with him long enough to have kids. But this way he could-

“Boss,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. interrupts Tony’s pondering and before he responds he takes a slow deep breath.

“Yeah?”

“You have to head back, Vision and Bruce found something on the footage from the last mission. You need to see this.”

After one more moment of peace and another very deep breath, he starts flying back to the Tower.

It’s time to get this show on the road.

~~~~~

Steve, after many hours to process the fact that his friend was well and truly back, was hit with what everyone felt the moment the words “who are you” were spoken. Now, the guilt wasn’t as strong a feeling as the other we’re experiencing, the happiness from having his friend back still outshone that, but it was there. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that in gaining one friend he had lost another.

While Clint and Nat tried to explain to Bucky how guns had changed Steve ventured off to find Lena. After she had run out of the room Bruce said she passed out. Surely she should be up by now, the captain thought as he climbed the stairs, it’s been hours.

For a moment he stood outside her door, contemplating if he should really be the one checking up on her. With some indecision still lingering in his thoughts he knocked softly on the wood. The indecision grew when no reply was made. Again he knocked and again only silence answered him.

“...Lena?” Steve’s voice was uncharacteristically timid, every part of him telling him he should leave and let someone else do this.

“Go away.” The words themselves didn’t surprise him, it was the tone. Not so much the anger as the determination, the strength in her voice. Steve wasn’t sure what he had been expecting but it certainly wasn’t that.

“I just want to-”

“Go. Away.”

“Lena, you’ve got to-” Suddenly the door was being yanked open and Steve was greeted with a sight that would probably haunt him ‘til the day he died.

Lena, little, timid, sweet Lena, was glaring up at him with so much hate in her eyes, so much _pain_ , that it took his breath away. Her hair was a mess, her clothes rumpled from sleeping, the room behind her was torn apart. Pictures were scattered on the floor of the dark room, broken glass everywhere.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I have to do, Steve!! I told you not to do it- **I told you!** \- but you did it anyways. He wasn’t in any sort of state to be giving consent for that kind of experiment, you knew that, you just didn’t give a damn. He was broken already, he wasn’t _really_ you’re Buck so why not let the witch dig around in his head? _You_ didn’t have anything to lose.”

“That’s not true. He was my friend-”

“If you were his friend you’d know how much it scared him to think it could all come back again if someone tried to get into his head again! If you really were his friend you wouldn’t have let people mess with his head again! _You didn’t even think twice about letting her do it._ ” Lena’s voice had gone from a deafening screech to an accusing whisper and Steve wasn’t sure which he thought was worse. “Now he’s gone, gone forever. I’ve got to raise kids by myself, Steve, do you understand that? What do I tell them about their dad? That he was taken away? That he was wiped from existence? What about their Uncle Steve, who caused their father to be destroyed without a hint of hesitation? What do I tell them?”

But Steve stayed silent. He didn’t have an answer, he doubted anyone did. The full weight of what he had caused finally was crushing him as it was the others.

“Answer me, Steve.”

He opened his mouth but still no words came.

“Answer me!” Lena flew forward and beat her hands on his chest. Not in a way that could possibly hurt the super soldier, physically anyways, but it certainly got her point across. **“Answer me, dammit!”** She screamed again and again, each time more broken than the last.

Steve just stood there, unsure of what he should do, unsure he could do anything at all. Slowly Lena’s screams gave way to sobs, her hands now gripping his shirt within tight fists.

“What am I supposed to do, Steve? I don’t know, I don’t... Please help me, I don’t know what to do...” Her whimpering tore at his heart and ever so slowly he lifted his arms to hug her. “He’s gone, what do I do? I need him, I can’t... I **_need_** him, Steve. What do I do without him? _Steve, please, what do I do?_ ”

Without a word Steve picked her up and carried her to the bed, stepping over all the broken glass and scattered pictures, remnants of a man that no longer existed.

“Sleep, Lena, just sleep for now.” He managed a tight whisper, his throat closing down around the words. She gave a tiny nod before her eyes slid shut, her breathing slowing to a steady rhythm. And for a long moment afterwards Steve sat there, silently watching over the woman his best friend had loved.

“Captain Rogers.” Vision spoke up from the doorway and slowly Steve turned to look at him. The synthesized man was still trying to get the hang of deciphering human emotions, especially recognizing them in other people’s expressions. That being said, the only words he could find to describe the look in Captain Rogers’ eyes were desolation and uncertainty. “We have found something on the footage from the previous mission. You should see it, I think it will give us a few answers.”

Steve nods and stands, casting one last glance down at the tiny woman.

What is Gods’ name was he going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I did the best I could with this. I'm still not 100% sure about it, but this is- I kid you not- the fifth time I've written these 1400 words. It's like I know what I want to happen but the words just refuse to be written... 
> 
> At any rate, here's the next chapter.

“Who was that dame talking just then?” Bucky asks, looking around the room for the source of the voice only to come up empty handed.

“Mr. Barnes, I am F.R.I.D.A.Y., Mr. Starks AI.”

“AI?”

“Artificial Intelligence. I’m a system on a computer.”

"So... you’re not real?”

“I am real.”

“Then where are you?” The AI was unsure how to answer this question. She could explain that she was a program that could be anywhere there is internet but she doubted he would understand. “Hang on, you said Stark? He used to be in the paper all the time. Real rich guy. He’s still alive?”

“No, I was talking about his son, Tony Stark. He runs the company and fills the role of Iron Man.”

“Iron Man?” Bucky wanders around the room, picking up this and that with his metal arm. He wasn’t used to it, and for the life of him he couldn’t remember how he lost his real arm, but it wasn’t so bad. I can feel stuff at least, I wonder how that works? He paid little attention to the F.R.I.D.A.Y. as she explained Iron Man, all his focus on his hand.

Everything in this future is weird, his arm, the people, the technology, how he couldn’t remember anything, and Steve. Steve took the cake for weird. That skinny punk was bigger than him now, Bucky almost hadn’t believed him when he said his name was Steve Rogers and that they were friends. But his eyes, those were the same. Determined, hopeful, a little more broken than he remembered but that was bound to happen after all these years. How were they both still alive?

He had so many question, on just about everything, and for the most part all these new friends of Steve’s answered them as best they could. But as soon as the conversation turned towards him and his past or Steve and his past the topic was changed. Now, if he wasn’t so distracted by everything he might get angry at being ignored but his head was spinning just trying to understand guns and disembodied voices that he doubted there was much room for anything else.

“Hey, Buck, I need to talk with the team about something, mind if I take a minute?”

“Nope, go right ahead, Stevie. I’m going to find where that voice is coming from.” Without waiting for a response from his friend he wandered off talking with F.R.I.DA.Y. like she was a child and they were playing hide and go seek.

Steve watched his friend wander off and he could help the smile. Lena’s Bucky had tried to be the guy Steve remembered, he really did, but in the end he couldn’t be that open, that free. Everything is so messed up right now... He ran a hand through his hair as he walked back, the ever moral man was still at odds with what he’d done. It’s only going to get worse, he thought, much worse before it gets better. It always seems to work that way...

Everyone was gathered in the meeting room, the different camera angles on all the different screens. The important clip itself was only a few seconds long, and if Steve was going to be honest, he didn’t think it was anything at all. It was weird, but... He just couldn’t think straight anymore. There’s too much going on right now.

The clip showed two men, one in a hoodie and the other in a long jacket. The man with the hoodie grabbed Wanda’s arm for a moment, looking at the ground the whole time while his friend said something. After that they both went along with all the other civilians they were evacuating from the premises. It was strange because the guys had to walk in the opposite direction as everyone leaving to get to Wanda but that was it. Lots of the locals grabbed them as they walked past, it wasn’t atypical for them to express their gratitude. Thank you’s were spoken when they reached out, that’s normal.

“Think, Wanda, what did he say?” Tony leans forward, hands resting flat on the table as his fingers tapped out a frantic beat.

“I don’t... It’s all a blur-” Before Wanda could even finish her sentence Tony spun around, frustration pouring off of him in waves.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., compile all the different angles. Get me a holographic model set up in the work shop. Clint! You’re coming with me and you’re going to read his lips.” Tony’s voice was harsh and loud, louder than usual and no one dared argue with him, well, almost no one.

“Stark, when was the last time you got any sleep?” Natasha stepped between him and the hallway, arms crossed over her chest in a defiant manner. Tony rolled his eyes and tried to side step the spy who just readjusted her stance and stayed in the way.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You’re no good to us asleep on your feet.” She reminded him.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead, Romanoff. We need to get this show on the road. Whatever is fucking with us is out there and they’re winning.”

“Tony.” They stared at each other for a long silent moment before he sighed.

“I’ll take a nap after this.” After one more moment she nodded and stepped off to the side. He and Clint lead the way to the workshop where the hologram was already being formatted by F.R.I.D.A.Y.

“Okay, boss, it’s ready. The footage is outdated compared to what I usually work with, so it’s not the best quality, but I enhanced what I could.”

“Roll it.”

The scene came to life before them and they all watched quietly as Clint moved towards where Wanda and the man were standing. Clint’s eyes were narrowed as he focused on the slightly distorted face before him. There was something off in the words he spoke.

“Again.”

The scene froze before resetting from the beginning. He watched it again and again but with each play through he was more and more confused. It wasn’t quite English, that’s for sure. But it wasn’t anything other language he had seen either.

“Well?”

“It’s... It’s not English. But... Okay, it’s English but it’s not. The sound would be similar, but it’s...” Clint sighed and rubbed his eyes, trying to figure out how to explain this to people who had no idea what he was talking about. “When you talk, your mouth makes specific shapes to create the different sounds, right? This guy, whatever he’s speaking, looks like English, the overall... shape of what he’s saying is similar. But the nuances are different. Whatever he’s speaking it isn’t quite English, the sounds would be just a little different, nothing, I’m sure, you guys could hear. Is this making any Goddamn sense to any of you?”

“What you’re saying is you can’t help us?”

“No- well, yeah, but I’m telling you it’s...” A sigh of frustration echoes through the room as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s like how Thor talks, kind of. He’s speaking English but it’s not... He’s speaking… what is it called again?”

“All-speak.”

“Yeah, that. So were hear English, and I can see it but it’s not quite English.”

“So this guys from Asgard? Damn it, Thor, what-”

“There are many who speak this that are not of Asgard.” Thor defends himself, looking angry that his friend would even think that his people would do something like this. Loki maybe, but his people would not. “What did he say?” The attention was shifted back to Clint who just shrugged.

“Something along the lines of ‘he’s coming for what you stole from him.’ That doesn’t give us a lot of answers.”

“So, wait, we’re more lost than we were before, aren’t we? Instead of just Earth we’ve got the entire damn universe to search through. Great, that just fan-fucking-tastic. F.R.I.D.A.Y., get me a name for either of the faces if you can. Search any other camera you can get at and tell me where these ass hats went.”

“Tony, you said-”

“I know what I said! I’m just going to check on Lena quick.”

“That might not... she’s having a... a hard time...” For a moment Tony just stared at Steve.

“You don’t say? God, I never would have guessed that.”

“No, I think she’s _really_ not-”

“And you just left her alone? I’ve got the emotional capabilities of a grumpy rock most of the time and even I know that someone should be with her. Jesus...” With that, Tony quickly walks out and everyone stands there listening to his footsteps as they get farther and farther away.

“What am I going to do with you guys?” Natasha shakes her head and sighs. “I’m going to have to knock him out if I want him to get any sleep, aren’t I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are just so fantastic. I always get this smile when I see that you guys actually like my story. 
> 
> Thanks for being such lovely people. :)

Truth be told, Tony was **NOT** ready for this confrontation. Nerves were not something he was accustom too and he certainly didn’t enjoy having them. For several quick moments he paced outside her door, what was he supposed to say anyways?  Hey, I pretty much just killed your husband, wanna talk about how much I’ve ruined your life?

“I’ll just improvise, I’m good at improvising.” He muttered under his breath as he knocked on the door. When there’s no reply he reaches for the doorknob, turning it slowly. His stomach drops at the sight before him. All her pictures were scattered on the floor, the pictures she treasured above almost any other possession. He could see the bloody smears on the wall from where the broken glass had cut her but she continued to tear the pictures down.

With wide eyes Tony glanced to the bed, well and truly worried for the tiny woman.

She sat there, smack dab in the middle of the large bed. The blankets and sheets were in disarray around her, not that it mattered. What matter was the woman staring forlornly at the only surviving picture. Tony remembered Lena showing it to him, excitement seeping into her words and her entire expression as she explained how she got the many strips of photo booth photos. The picture frame was held almost reverently in her hands and she absolutely refused to let him hold it.

Glass crunched under his shoes as he walked towards her and when he was close enough he could sit on the edge of the bed, she turned to meet his gaze.

“What am I supposed to do, Tony?” Lena asked, her voice that of a lost child. Her eyes, usually so happy and bright, were dark and hazy. I doubt she could tell me her own name she’s so far gone right now, he thought in shock. And Steve just left her in here like this?! All alone?! For fucks sake!

“I’m going to sit, that alright?” She looked confused but made no move to stop him. The bed dipped under his weight and Lena just continued to stare at him with those eyes.

 _“What do I do?”_ She whispered, tears dripping from her cheeks and onto the glass of the picture frame below her.

“I don’t know, Itsy, I don’t know.” A whimper echoed through the room and punched Tony in the chest. God, what had they **done?**

“He’s gone.”

“...Yeah.”

“He left me.”

 **“No!** He would never leave you, do you hear me Lena? You were **not** abandon. He was taken from you and... and I’m so sorry...” Tony’s voice cracked under the weight of the emotions racing through his body.

“I need him...”

“I know you do.” What happens next is not what Tony thought would happen at all. Lena mumbles something and then reaches for him. Not threateningly, not angrily, just desperately. She wraps her arms around his torso and sobs.

What in the hell was he supposed to fucking do?!

After a moment of hesitation he hugs her back, gently rubbing her back as she continues to sob. Tony’s not used to being the shoulder for people to cry on, usually he’s the reason they’re crying in the first place. Is this good enough? Do I do anything else? Should I try and talk or something? The frantic questions bounce around in his head as he tries not to have a panic attack.

“Oh thank God.” A voice says from the doorway and Tony turns carefully to see who it is without disturbing the broken woman in his arms. Scott is standing there with a glass of water and a bowl of what looks like soup.

“This is where you were? We couldn’t find you for the meeting so we just started without you.”

“Well, someone should have been here with her, especially after she flipped out on Steve. She slept for about an hour after that and when she woke up she just stared at the picture, asking what she was supposed to do. She wouldn’t look at me, she wouldn’t- couldn’t- answer any questions, she hardly even moved for almost two hours now.” Scott whispered to Tony as he walked closer and set the food on the night stand.

“Is she going to be...” Tony trailed off. What did he expect her to be after this? Alright? Good? Sane?

“I don’t know.” Scott shook his head as he watched Lena continue to cry. He wasn’t sure anything was going to be alright after all that had happened.

~~~~~  
  
“Stevie! You gotta come see this! Look!!” Bucky to Vision as he phases through various objects. The moment Bucky saw him do it he had pulled over the synthesized man and started handing him object to move though as Bucky watched in amazement. Vision had been entirely unsure what to do in this kind of situation so he just ended up going along with it. He answered all of the questions he could which, as it turns out, is not great many.

“Yeah, Visions pretty good at that.”

“Jeez, is anything the same as it was before?” The look of joy fades from his expressions as it hits him that most everything he knew was gone. His parents, his sisters, his other friends, all of it.

“Well, remember that pizza joint we- you- used to bring all your dates to? That’s still up and runnin’, Walt’s grandsons in charge of it now.”

“No kidding?”

“Yeah. Maybe once all of this settles down we could swing by.”

“Sure. Hey, that dame from earlier, where’d she run off to?” Steve tried to hold in the dread that reached in and started crushing his chest.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“No, the first one. Blonde, cute face, real tiny.”

“She um, wasn’t feeling well. Why?”

“Dunno, just curious I guess.”

“Captain Rogers, if I may have a word?” Vision spoke up from off to the side and Steve mutely nodded. Once Bucky was out of earshot Vision turned around and looked questioningly at Steve.

“Yeah?”

“Are we not going to tell Bucky about Lena?” Vision tilted his head slightly to the right like he always does when he’s curious. In truth, that had been the same question Steve had been asking himself for some time now.

“I don’t... I’m not sure that... I think it would be best if... if we... didn’t...” Steve winced as he said the last word. “It’s not fair to Buck to push a life on him that he never lived. I know that... I know that not telling him isn’t fair to Lena but trying to push his memories back in could cause a lot of problems. She... I...” Steve broke off, running a hand through his hair.

Okay yeah, he was being selfish, he knew that. But didn’t he deserve a chance to have his friend back after everything that they had gone through? After everything Steve sacrificed, why was it so bad to want his friend?

“While there is truth to that, I’m not entirely sure I agree. From what I’ve gathered the one in the fragile state of mind currently is Lena who, remember, is not only supporting herself but two children as well. Should we not at least try to see if he remembers anything?”

“No, it’s too risky.” Steve shook his head even as his heart told him otherwise. Vision raised his brows, eyes going wide as he heard Steve’s answer.

“The risks were much higher before, when you wanted answers as to what Wanda had done, but you went ahead none the less.”

“Look, I-”

“Only now he has the memories you are included in, the ones before any darkness was forced into his consciousness. I believe Bucky, this current Bucky, would wish to know if he was married and expecting kid’s, even if he could not remember the events leading up to them. He’s a good man, he would take responsibility.”

“That’s not your choice-”

“You are right. However, it is not your choice either. You should remember, Captain Rogers, that it is Bucky’s choice above all, perhaps Lena’s as well. But it is not ours, it never was. I think you forgot that.” Without waiting for a reply Vision walked off, content with having said his piece.

Steve was left dumbfounded.

Vision was right of course, he knew that. He just didn’t want to believe it.

“Captain Rogers, I’ve got a location for the two men. They were last seen heading into an abandon building several miles from the site of the mission. Should I assemble the team?”

“Yeah.”

The moral debating would have to wait, they had a job to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another conflicting chapter (a long one), but here you all are none the less. I've gotta say, it means a lot to have so many lovely people leaving comments, and I know I say that a lot but it's true. Every time my email sounds telling me someone else left a comment of a kudos or whatever, I get this silly grin on my face. I look absolutely mental when it happens in public but whatever. :)

Not long after F.R.I.D.A.Y. had given the message to Steve, she had informed the others. Steve’s mind was still preoccupied with what Vision had said but he was ready in just a few minutes. Bruce was staying behind, trying to find out more on their mystery men. Thor had already left to do some asking around on Asgard, and Scott was still watching over Lena. Tony had gotten a broom and cleaned up what he could from her room, at least he got all the glass off the floor, and he was more than ready for some answers. Wanda and Vision had agreed to watch over Bucky while they were out getting answers, much to Steve discomfort. Natasha, Clint, Steve, and Tony all hopped into a Quinjet and without further ado flew off to the abandon building.

“What the matter, Rogers? You’re unusually silent. No pep talk for this mission?” Nat teased but Steve just continued to frown at the floor. “Steve, it was a joke.” She forced a chuckle out which only added to the tense atmosphere.

“Anyone got a plan, or is it the kinda mission where we just kick down the door and start smashing people through walls?” Clint asks as he prepares his bow, the various arrows all ready to be fired should any number of different circumstances come to pass.

“The plan is to get some Goddamn answers.” Tony remarks curtly from the pilot’s seat.

“Well, yeah, but anything other than the obvious? Seriously, we’re just gonna kick in the door?” When no reply was given Clint just shrugged with a sigh. “Kick in the door it is then.”

Steve waited another moment before bring up the question he’d been wanting to ask since he saw Tony again. He knew that Lena was having a hard time, his little chat with her proved that point, but he didn’t think it was as serious as Vision was implying. She was strong after all, she’d been through a lot already... right?

“Tony, how was-”

_“Do **not** even go there, Cap.”_ Tony hissed out, his hands gripping the steering hard enough his knuckles turned white.

“I just-”

“I’m serious, Steve. Don’t. We’ve gotta focus on this mission and finishing it as quick as possible. Then, and only then, are you and I going to have a chat.” Steve complied and fell silent, albeit unhappily. Even so, he was shaken by Tony’s demeanor. He can’t remember the last time he was like this, well, he could but it wasn’t exactly a good time for anybody. I guess he was pretty much like this after he saw what the Winter Soldier did to his parents, the captain thought and that alone made his stomach sink. Everything is so messed up right now. The bitter thought just kept bouncing around in his head the more he thought about recent events.

The flight was silent apart from the sound of the engines, everyone understanding the severity of what had happened and what could easily happen if they weren’t careful. The Avengers were at odds again, nothing good ever happened when they were at odds.

~~~~~

The jet landed smoothly and once Tony was in one of his suits they all got off. A quick scan from F.R.I.D.A.Y. showed that the building was empty, no living people inside. Still, that meant little. They’ve dealt with more than enough missions to know that a scanner, even one of Tony’s, could be wrong.

Tony lead the group, Steve to his right, Natasha to his left, and Clint trailing behind him keeping his eyes on everything. And true to the “plan” Tony kicked the door in, repulsors raised and ready. With a short nod Steve and Natasha both went off in opposite directions to sweep the rest of the building. After they both reported back nothing out of the usual Tony lowered his mask and walked forwards.

“There’s really nothing?!” Tony’s harsh voice echoed back loudly and he clenched his fist to keep from punching a good sized hole in the nearest wall. But scan after scan revealed nothing. Empty beer cans, trash, some rats, but nothing that would give them any clue as to what the hell was going on.

Just when they thought all hope for any kind of answer was lost and they were ready to leave, a gray figure stepped out in front of Tony. He walks nonchalantly like he has all the time in the world and not a single care to worry about.

He, well, he certainly wasn’t human, Tony thought. The only way a human was ever going to be that slate metallic color was if they were deader than dead. And it wasn’t just the strange color, he **looked** like an alien. The general body structure was similar to a human; the creature was standing upright on two legs, had a torso, two arms, a neck and a head. It was the little things that spoke volumes as to what he really was.

The way his hips were far too narrow, the way his neck was a little too long, his three fingered hands, the odd arch in his remarkably thin legs that reminded Tony of a praying mantis. But his face, or eyes rather, were the most obvious. The creatures face was more square than rounded; the glassy, pitch black, almost bug like eyes much too wide set for a human. He didn’t seem to have a nose, just two small slits just over his thin lips behind which sat rows of sharp, needle like teeth.

Yep, Tony thought, definitely an alien.

Everyone raised their weapons and aimed at the being, but he just turned and smiled at them.

“I was wondering how long it would be before you came. I must admit, I thought it would be sooner.” His voice is smooth and light, whispering over the air between them. None of the Avengers present could pinpoint his accent, and that was saying something when someone like Natasha Romanoff was around. “The mighty defenders of this...” The creature paused for a moment, trying to think of an appropriate word to describe the Earth as he saw it. “pathetic rock you call a planet.”

“Avengers, actually. Kinda sorta our name, got a whole Tower with the logo plastered on the side and everything.” Tony speaks up first, seemingly as nonchalant as the alien. The creature merely smiles again, those unsettling eyes locking on to the man in the suit.

“Well, then I’m sad to say you won’t be needed for much longer. He won’t be leaving much left behind to be avenged.”

“Who?” This time it was Steve who spoke up, slowly walking closer to the alien with his shield raised between them.

“Ah, the moral compass of the group! I had hoped you’d be in the ones to show up. Must be hard being away from your dear friend.” Steve’s grip on his shield tightened at the mention of Bucky. “I take it you like the changes I made?” The creature tilted his head to the side, a vicious smile stretching across his face.

“I’m not going to ask again, who are you working for?” The creature has a good laugh over that much to the captain’s dismay.

“Work for?! No, I don’t work for him. I serve him, I **worship** him. And make no mistake, he is coming. You human rats have crossed him, taken- **stolen!** \- from him. You will suffer for it.” The creature’s expression, up until this point at any rate, had been very calm and relaxed. But it suddenly shifted to an expression of such fury and reverence when he talked of his idol that it unsettled the four Avengers.

Natasha smiled inside, maybe if she could keep him talking he would slip up, give them at least a name. The, shall we say passionate, type of people like this tend to forget what they should and shouldn’t say when they get on a tangent.

“What was the point of messing with Barnes? Didn’t really affect us much.” She lied coolly, relaxing her stance as she watched the creature carefully for his response. The creature just snickered, his neck twisting at an unnatural angle to turn and look at the spy, his black eyes sharp and full of malicious intent.

“Didn’t affect you much? You’re not a good liar for someone in your particular field. I’ve fractured the delicate balance within your _Avengers._ ” His airy voice twists the word, spitting it at them like venom. “I’ve got your leader second guessing his every move, afraid of hurting any more of his ‘friends’. The moral compass, the ‘good man’ turns out to be anything but when his friend can remember the old times but forgets his own wife and children. The winged friend of the good man will side with him regardless of any moral wrongdoing, blinded by the good man’s reputation, unable to make his own decisions. The witch does not trust her own self after being controlled and the thief tries to comfort her, care for her, all the while questioning the good man’s morals and intentions. The monster of a man is so fearful he doesn’t dare come here with you, after all, what should become of the city if he were to be controlled? The bug tends to the grieving wife, unable to leave her side even for a mission, all the while losing faith in his team for letting this happen to her. The bird wants nothing more than to go back to his family which you all keep dragging him away from. Your god has run off to his realm in search of answers he will not find. And you, dear little spider, keep trying to spin webs to hold everyone together. But you will fail, of that there is no question.”

They have no response to what the creature said, even Tony with his quick wit and biting sarcasm has no quip to throw back. The alien was right and that shook them all to their very core.

“Your towers will crumble, your feeble bonds of friendship will snap, you will be helpless before him. You should have stayed in the dark.” The creature chuckles wickedly as he speaks to the silent group of so called heroes.

“You son of a bitch!” Tony spits out at last, lunging forward to knock the creature into next week. But his fist phases through the creatures head and only served to further entertain it.

“Surely one who is as smart as you claim to be would know that a projection cannot be harmed physically. Thanos will have an easier time than I had suspected!!” The creature laughed harder when Tony punched a wall out of frustration.

“Kmris, it is time for the ritual.” A voice said from wherever the creature, Kmris, truly was. He nods and gives a mocking bow to the four beings he had just gleefully tormented.

“I’m sure we’ll meet again, Avengers.” Without another word the projection vanishes.

“Thanos. We’ve got a name at least.” Natasha said as she runs a hand through her hair but the words are lost on Tony as he seethes.

“Do you, Cap? Enjoy the changes he made to Barnes, that is?” He bites out as he turns to Steve.

“What... Now’s not the time-”

“Now is **exactly** the time, Rogers. Answer the question.”

“It’s not that easy-”

“Answer. The. Question.” Tony’s mask fell back into place, the sound of the metal hitting metal punctuating his sentence.

“... I’d be lying if I said I didn’t...” Steve mutters after a tense moment of silence, his shoulder drooping under the weight of guilt. Tony’s breath came out in one great huff; he had hoped beyond hope that Steve would say no, deny it.

“What about Lena, Steve?”

“She... I just...”

“Didn’t you see the glass on the floor? Why didn’t you clean it up, she was cutting herself on it as she tried to tear the pictures down. Why did you leave her like that? She’s breaking, Rogers!!”

“I-I know!”

**“Do you?!”**

“But if... if... if we try to put his memories back… you might break him...”

“You bastard!” Tony screamed, driving his fist into an unsuspecting Steve’s face. The punch sends him flying, tumbling into a pile of old crates. “She **IS** broken, no questions about it, no maybes. We did that, Steve! **We did.** She’s our _friend._ Or... or at least she’s mine.”

“I know!!” Steve cries back, raking his hands through his hair as he glares at the floor. “I know she is, but so is... It’s Buck... He’s all I have left from my home, Tony...”

“That’s enough, boys.” Natasha moves to stand between them.

“Nat-”

“Enough, Tony.” She says quietly, sending him a pleading look. With a grumble Tony turns and stalks out. “Steve, come on.” She holds a hand out for him which he hesitantly takes. “I know he’s you’re friend, but so was the other one. And the other one loved his wife and children fiercely. He wouldn’t want them to suffer like this, you know that. Somewhere deep down I know that you know. When we sort out this mess, when we’re sure it can’t happen again, we have to at least try and get his memories back. In the meantime, you have to think about what he’d want you to do. James Buchanan Barnes, whatever his memories may be, is a good man. He deserves to know if he’s got a wife and kids. Lena deserves to not go through this alone. You **know** this. You may not like it, and it’ll hurt to let him go, but keeping him hidden away in the dark isn’t fair, Steve. It isn’t right.” With that she walks off to the jet, Clint already sitting in the pilot’s seat ready to fly back to the tower since Tony had flown off.

After a great sigh from the captain he joins the other two, sitting quietly as they fly back, wondering just how he was going to tell his best friend that he not only was married but expecting twins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so that's was a thing. Um... when the alien guy gave his speech, I figured he wouldn't care enough to actually learn the Avengers names so I gave really vague kinda descriptions. You can ask me if one didn't make sense and I'll try and clear things up for you.
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are more typos than usual, you can thank lack of sleep...
> 
> Little nervous about how this chapter will be taken, I literally wrote this scene four different ways but I thought this one was the best. Enjoy! :)

“Lena, sweetheart, can you look at me?” Scott asks yet again as he sits on the edge of the bed. She had eaten maybe a bite of the soup, at least she drank the whole glass of water. “I know you’re hurting and you feel like you’re breaking, Lena, I know that. But you can’t just sit here wasting away, I can’t let you. You’ve got kids depending on you, sweetie, they need you to eat. Please, just a few more bites.”

She turns to look at him, _finally_ , and nods, opening her mouth just enough for a spoonful of reheated soup. After slowly chewing the noodles and carrots she opens again, tears still trailing down her cheeks.

“See, it’s not so bad. I may not be able to cook but I’m a pro at throwing shit in the microwave and hitting start. You ever do peep jousting as a kid? You take two marshmallow peeps, stick toothpicks in ‘em, and throw them right on into the microwave. Hit start and the first one to touch the other wins. My kinda sport.” Scott smiles at her and Lena, bless her soul, tried to smile back. It didn’t work the best but Scott felt like jumping up and screaming at the top of his lungs none the less.

“I... I like marshmallows...”

“Yeah, me too. Especially toasted ones. A nice campfire, melted chocolatey goodness, gooey marshmallows, warm graham crackers, ain’t nothing better.” Scott doesn’t make a big deal out of her saying anything other than “what am I supposed to do” and just keeps the conversation going. This is good, this is really good, he thought happily. He had been so worried, he still was, but this was a good sign. “We used to take this camping trip every summer when I was a kid, I spent the whole year looking forward to that one weekend. You ever go camping as a kid?”

“S-sometimes.”

“We should take a camping trip sometime, or at least go hiking. There are some amazing trails up in Vermont.”

“B-Bucky would’ve liked that.” She mutters with a broken smiles, her arms wrapping around her middle.

“I’m sure he would have.” Scott sighs, carefully pulling her closer to him. Lena leaned in, resting her head on his shoulder as she sniffled.

“I’m gonna miss him...”

“Me too, sweetie.”

“He was a good man.”

“Yeah, he was, wasn’t he? Not a huge fan of the Hobbit movies, but we can’t hold that against him.” Lena snorts out a laugh, nodding along with Scott’s point.

“Bucky thought it was silly. He did think the dragon was cool, though. Tony spent hours explaining how they made a dragon out of the actor.”

“Smaug was epic. Tony should get the actor to do the voice for one of his AI’s.”

“Can you imagine getting a wakeup call from Smaug? I think it’d scare the crap outta me the first few times.”

The two of them just sat there for the next hour or so discussing who should do AI voices, the best kinds of music, the likelihood of Hollywood making the Silmarillion into a movie, all the reasons Scott should never be allowed into the kitchen, anything that came to mind. And when Lena finally fell asleep, Scott tucked her in gently. Once she was out he finished cleaning up her room, piling up the pictures, taking the dirty dishes out to be washed.

Then he just sat down in a chair and waited. Hopefully they got some answers, he thought, we could really use some good news for a change.

~~~~~

“He deserves to know, Wanda.” Vision said in a calm tone even though he was feeling anything but as he thought about everything that had happened in just a few short days.

“Yeah, but how are we supposed to tell him? He doesn’t know us, doesn’t trust us, certainly won’t believe us. It has to be Steve but he won’t do it.” Wanda was frantically pacing back and forth as she talked. This is my fault, it really is. I was the one who was controlled, I was the one who dug around in his head. It was me that broke his mind, inadvertently reverting it back to before anything truly hurt him. She had hardly slept since the start of all of this, much to Visions dismay.

“I know.” Came Visions soft reply. Steve was probably the only one Bucky would listen to.

Bucky, who had been messing around in the kitchen, was now walking back to the two of them, hungry and unsure how to use all the nifty gadgets in the large kitchen. He paused when he overheard the two talking about Steve.

“Lena’s going to die at this rate Vision! His wife and unborn children, **our friend,** is going to die while we sit here helpless! What if he remembers and finds them dead? How do you think that’s going to go over? Steve needs to tell Bucky soon. Poor Lena...” Bucky’s heart stops in his chest as he connects the dots.

He has a wife.

He has children.

He can’t remember them.

Steve was never going to tell him?

No, that can’t be right. Stevie would tell me, he’s a good guy, my friend. But... he didn’t tell me. Why didn’t he tell me? A slow anger started to burn, growing hotter and hotter by the second.

Just as he was about to walk in on the two and demand some answers the elevator dinged, signaling the return of Steve and the others. Might as well get the answers from him, Bucky thought as he stomped over to the shiny doors. They slid open and Bucky immediately grabbed a very confused Steve and dragged him out.

“I’m married?!” Bucky ground out through clenched teeth. He could never remember being so angry, and he wasn’t sure he was comfortable with the feeling burning through his veins. “Steve, answer me!” His friend looked over at him with huge eyes.

How did he find out... Vision! Steve pulled out of his friends grip and raced to find the man he wanted so desperately to punch.

“You told him?!” He roared as he kicked the door in, startling the both of them. Vision immediately stood between Steve and Wanda, looking confused by the accusation.

“We did not tell him anything, Captain Rogers.”

“Well then how in the hell-”

“I overheard them, Steve. So I guess it’s true then. Hey, look at me!” Bucky turned Steve around to face his wrath. “I’m married Steve? She’s expecting? She’s _dying_ because she’s heartbroken and taking the kids with her? When were you going to tell me that, huh?”

“I- I- I didn’t want to force you-”

“My wife, Steve! You thought just because I couldn’t remember her that I’d just abandon her and my kids? You thought you’d have to **force** me to be there for her? If I married her, Steve, then I love her. I don’t care if I can’t remember it, I **know** it. I wouldn’t marry someone I didn’t love a hell of a lot. You've always known that, Steve, that's who I am”

“But you were different, I wasn’t sure-”

“No Steve!” Bucky cuts him off again, dragging him closer by the front of his shirt. “What’s the real reason you didn’t tell me? Don’t give me that bullshit about being different. People can change but some things always stay the same. I want the truth.” Suddenly Steve didn’t feel like Captain America anymore, he certainly didn’t feel like an Avenger, not even a man. He felt like the small kid from Brooklyn and he messed up big time.

“You **were** different, Buck. You weren’t quite you. I... I didn’t want to risk losing you again now that you were back.” He whispered, looking at the floor as he did.

“So you threw my wife, **my unborn children,** under the bus? Just so **you** could be happy?!” Then Bucky did the only thing he could think of.

He punched Steve.

**_“My wife is dying!!”_** Bucky screamed, his heart breaking even though he still couldn’t remember a single thing about her. But like he said, it didn’t matter. She was his and he should have been there the whole time to take care of her.

“You don’t even know her name!!” Steve shouted back just as angry even though he knew he had no right to be. He rubbed his jaw which had now been punched twice in a short span of time, knowing that he deserved both only made him more upset.

“So _tell_ me, Steve! All you ever had to do was tell me...” Bucky’s voice cracks as he speaks and he looks desperately at the man sprawled on the floor across the room. “Tell me what her name is, tell me what she looks like, tell me what I loved about her, what she loved about me. Tell me, Steve, because you’re right. I don’t remember her, not a single thing. But I want to, I _**need** _ to. Please, Steve...”

The captain took a shaky breath before moving to a chair at the table. He motioned for Bucky to do the same and when they were both seated Steve began to talk.

“I don’t know all of it, but I’ll tell you what I can. Her name is Lena...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best, really. I freaking love all the comments y'all have been leaving. Here's the next installment, hope it lives up to expectation, at least a little. :)

“I could speak Romanian?” Bucky asked in surprise as Steve talked, his brain starting to feel overloaded with information. To make matters worse, Steve had been sure to mention that what he was telling him was just the tip of the iceberg. Just how much more is there?

“You can- could- speak a lot of languages. Like I said, a lot’s happened. But it’s not the time for that, you need to focus on one part of you life at a time.” Bucky nodded and tried to force the curiosity about his past back down.

Before Steve could start again Scott walked in to grab a bag of marshmallows. His eyes narrowed when he saw Bucky sitting there like it was any other day at the office. Then he glared daggers at Steve who he was still pissed at. Steve, for his part, at least had the decency to look guilty and turned away.

“We were just telling him about Lena, Scott.”

“...What?!” Scott actually dropped the marshmallows in his surprise and when he looked closely at the captain he saw that he was telling the truth. “Well, damn. Um... I thought that you, ya know, weren’t going to.” Bucky felt the anger start to burn again as he thought about the fact he may have never known about Lena and the kids. God, Steve, what the hell?! The longer he thought the angrier he got. This new feeling- not anger but rage- and the intensity of it scared him more than a little.

“I overheard them talking about it.” Bucky bit out as he waved to where Vision and Wanda both sat. Every now and again they had little bits of information to add to Steve’s so as to give Bucky a more complete picture. Wanda did more of the contributing, Vision felt like he was there more as a safety measure in case Bucky got angry again. He liked Lena but he didn’t really know things that Steve or Wanda wouldn’t.

“Oh...” The one word hung in the air as Scott realized how tense the people before him really were. He must’ve been super pissed, Scott thought, looks like he punched Steve... good... Scott didn’t feel one bit guilty at the satisfaction of knowing that someone had finally punched the super soldier.

“You wanna add anything, Scott?” Steve asked quietly and after a moment Scott nodded.

“Wanda, you and Vision wanna go sit with Lena? She’s asleep still but I thought she might want some marshmallows because why the hell not, they’re delicious. Here.” He tosses the bag to the two who give each other a side long glance. They merely shrugged, took the sugary snack, and walked off.

“Why’d you ask him?” Everyone could hear the jealousy in Bucky’s voice as he realized that this man had been the one taking care of **his** wife. Scott just rolled his eyes and chuckled as he sat down next to Bucky.

“She’s a friend, family, so cool your jets big guy. She wouldn’t even look at another guy the way she looks at you, much less doing anything with him. Seriously, you mean the world to her.” Bucky nodded but he still didn’t like that another guy had been taking care of his girl, didn’t matter what their relationship was.

“Alright...” Scott sighed at the wary tone Bucky used. They hadn’t been great friends before all this happened, but he always knew that Bucky liked him. Bucky had appreciated the way Scott had looked out for Lena while he was under, he liked the fact that Lena had someone else to talk to about stuff. The fact that Scott saved Lena’s life when he gave his blood had permanently gotten Scott onto Bucky nice side, if you could call it that. Basically he was just a little less abrasive when they talked, but Scott appreciated it.

“Seriously, man, you might find it hard to believe, but we were friends... kinda. Alright, let’s see, you tell him about her fort making abilities?” Scott looked over at Steve who just shook his head, still not looking him in the eyes.

“Fort making abilities?”

“Yeah, she’s a pro. You and Lena used to make them when you guys got bored or she was in the mood. Ya know, put blankets and shit on table and chairs, a fort. You’d watch movies under there, used to have whole marathons right in the middle of the dining room. She’d only invite other people in if she was in a generous mood and you were alright with it. It’s a rare treat to be allowed into one of her forts.”

Bucky couldn’t help the grin that tugged at his lips. He was beyond relieved to hear that she wasn’t super serious. Steve had listed off facts; favorite foods, colors, and the like. He gave Bucky a basic descriptions of what she looked like but this, the precious information Scott was sharing, was what Bucky wanted to know. He wanted to know who she really was, what she was like, not a dry list of facts.

“Um, let’s see... She’s super ticklish and you guys would run throughout the entire tower when a tickle fight got started. Lena’s faster than you’d think but in the end you’d always catch her. For a while there she wanted a pet ferret, but you kept saying it was a cat-snake and that she should just get either one of those instead.”

“The hells a ferret?”

“Well... basically a cat-snake, but they're kinda cute. Google it.”

“Google?”

“Right, you haven’t gotten that far. Never mind, it’s not super important. She used to make every kind of sweet treat under the sun for you. Seriously, man, **every kind.** When you’d get hurt sparring with the others or something she’d try and act all cool and collected but then she’d come and complain to me about how you’re not being careful enough. Lena tried not to show it, but she really worried about you. I mean, you were a little reckless, especially with Steve, so it’s not like her worry wasn’t well founded.”

“It’s not like I made him-”

“Lena sings sometimes.” Scott cuts Steve off without a glance in his directions and keeps on talking. It’ll be a while before Scott’s not pissed and they both knew that. “She wanted to be a musician when she was young even though her dad was paranoid as hell and didn’t want her to make a living like that. But she was really good. When it came time for her first public performance Lena had her parents fly home from vacation for it. They never made it and she blames herself for it even though she knows better. That’s why she doesn’t sing much, every time she does she says it’s like she can feel the disapproving look her dad used to give her. But she liked to sing for you, she felt safe around you. No matter what happened she felt safe when you were there.” Scott’s voice softened as he trailed off.

Bucky could tell just from the look on Scotts face just how much Lena trusted him. Along with that came the thought that the trust she had might be broken after all that’s happened. The thought that she might not even want him anymore crashed through his mind and silenced everything else that was racing around. Here he was trying to learn so he could go back and be with her and she might not even want to see him again.

Scott was about to go on, trying to think of something to lighten the mood when he heard a commotion in the hall. They all turned to see Wanda, Vision, and Lena stumbling around the corner. Bucky quickly stood, eyes wide as he stared at the small blonde woman that he knew must be Lena.

Steve’s description certainly hadn’t done her justice...

No one dared say a single word as the two of them stared at each other. They all knew this could go one of two ways. The good way where they talked and came to an understanding, or the bad way where emotions went out of control and Lena ended more broken than before.

“...Bucky?” Lena whispered, her heart beating fast as she looked at the man she loved. He had shorter hair now, smooth cheeks, but it was still Bucky. Or at least that’s what she prayed for. Maybe he couldn’t remember her or their kids but maybe he’ll try. Maybe he’ll love me again... The hopeful little thought was quickly crushed under the morbid thoughts telling her he could never love her, they would never be husband and wife, her children would never know their father because he was **gone.**

Bucky softly cleared his throat and moved a few steps closer. When he was within arm’s reach of his wife he stopped, looking down into her dark eyes. Hope swelled in his chest when he saw the tiny flicker of hope in her eyes. They could make this work, right? It wouldn’t be easy, but it was possible, wasn’t it? Then the nerves hit him. What was he supposed to say? How do you apologize for forgetting your wife and children? No, relax, this is never going to go well if you freak out. Just talk to her, show her you’re going to try. You can do this, you have to do this. He chanted to himself again and again as the tense seconds ticked by, each one heavier than the last.

“Hi, Lena.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good place to end it, right? :)
> 
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated.


	66. Chapter 66

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short and, to be perfectly honest, I'm really not all that pleased with it. But, I can now say that I've put my blood, sweat, and tears into this story. I hurt my hands at work last night and typing physically freaking hurts, so the short length is not altogether my fault. Hard to polish it up when you're busy thinking about the pain. That's no excuse for the quality though, I don't know, it just feels off... :/
> 
> At any rate, hopefully the next one goes better.

Tony was once again flying aimlessly, muttering angrily as he did.

“Stupid Steve, stupid fucking alien, who the hell is Thanos anyways? Was that guy talking about Vision when he said thief? Vision is one of the best people I know, no way that he stole something from someone. He can lift Thor’s magical hammer and everything, he’s not a thief.”

His mind wandered when he thought about Vision, back to Ultron and everything that happened in the few day’s he was running amok. There were complicated feelings after Vision was born, woke up, whatever you wanted to call it. Tony saw that putting J.A.R.V.I.S. into the being in the cradle would basically be giving his best friend a body at last. The closest thing he had to family left was J.A.R.V.I.S., he could only imagine the things they could do if he had a body.

But something else happened.

The being that woke up wasn’t J.A.R.V.I.S., not really. And once the dust had settled in Sokovia, Tony realized that he has basically killed his best friend, his own family. He risked J.A.R.V.I.S. to try and give him a body and he lost him, the one person Tony had always known would be there for him no matter what. Nothing has quite been the same since then. F.R.I.D.A.Y. was great and everything- he, the great Tony Stark, had made her after all- she was good at what she did, but she wasn’t J.A.R.V.I.S. Accepting the fact that he was gone took Tony a long while to work through, and obviously he still hasn't managed the guilt of it all.

“The alien was right, I can’t protect my friends.” Tony scoffs at himself. Friends... Maybe he never really had any, maybe he was better off alone and that’s why bad shit always happened to the few people he cared about. “I ruin them, I kill them...” He landed and smashed the first rock he saw on whatever the hell mountain he was on. The stress of it all, the guilt, finally snapping him mind in two.

“Um, Tony? You alright?” Bruce’s voice said timidly over a line that F.R.I.D.A.Y. must have opened. His concerned face filled the bottom of the screen and Tony took a steadying breath.

“No, but who gives a fuck. You need something?”  
  
"Well, we’ve got a name for you.”

“What? Who is it?”

“The guy with your cloaked alien friend.” Right, there was another person there. Why there was another person there was beyond him, the freaky alien was powerful enough to make projections of himself where he damn well pleased. Power was not something this guy was lacking.

“Alright, hit me.”

“Terry Slater, 25 year’s old. Grew up in the system, ran away from his last foster parents house when he was 17. He pretty much fell off the grid until a few years ago. Right around the time Loki was making a mess of New York he started showing up in police reports. They think he’s connected to some questionable deaths in the area but without any physical proof they can’t do anything.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., I want you to hack into everything and find this guy. Once you’ve got that, I wanna know where he’s been.”

“Already on it, boss.”

“By the way Tony, there are plenty of people who care about your mental wellbeing. We’re your friends after all.” Tony sighed at the word as he began to fly back to the tower.

“I don’t do well with friends, Banner.”

“Cause the rest of us are just brilliant at it, you’re right.” The sarcasm of the statement was not lost on Tony. “You think Steve is better at having friends? You think that if the old Bucky comes back he’s going to want to have anything to do with Steve? How about Lena, you think she’s going to go back to being all buddy-buddy with him? We’re all a mess when it comes to normal human interaction, Tony. Stop being so hard on yourself.” Without giving Tony a chance to argue, Bruce ends the call and hopes that Tony will listen to what he said.

~~~~~

Bucky struggled for the next words to say, his hands were shaking and his palms were sweaty.

“Um, I can’t remember anything yet, but I’m learning. They were telling me about you and stuff. I’m going to try and, ah... try and make this better, I guess. I mean, I will make this right. Well, I mean, if you want-” He’s cut off when Lena jumps forwards and wraps her thin arms around him. Slowly, as if in a dream, he hugs her back. Bucky couldn’t help the soft sigh that escapes, she fits so damn perfect in his arms. “I will make this right, Lena. I swear.”

Scott watched the tender moment with a big grin on his face, his body finally relaxing.

“God, this is great isn’t it?!” He said loudly and everyone just sighed in response. “Always knew I liked you, man.” Scott patted Bucky's shoulder with a laugh, ignoring everyone’s sighs. Bucky, who couldn’t believe that this guy was just going to interrupt his moment with Lena, turned very slowly to look him in the eyes.

“Scott, you dork!” Lena said through watery laughter. “I’m having a _moment_ , you’re not supposed to interrupt the _moment_. God, have you never seen any of the movies? **No one** interrupts the moments, it’s just not done.”

“Oh... right... Sorry, pal. You um, get right back at that whole moment thing. I’m just gonna...” He awkwardly motions off to the side before hastily walking off, everyone else following suit.

“So, um, here! Sit.” Bucky moves back and pulls out a chair for his wife. This was going to take some getting used to, that was for sure, but he could do it. Lena started fiddling with a nearby apple, unsure of what she was supposed to say.

“What did they tell you?” She finally spoke up, looking at him with more than a little bit of hesitance as she did.

“Well, we talked about your forts. I’ve heard they’re impressive. And you’re ticklish. And you sing.” Bucky then spent the next ten minutes relaying everything Steve and Scott had shared with him.

“Did you, you know, wanna ask me anything?” Once again Lena fiddled with the apple but this time her hands were shaking.

“Did we pick out names for them yet?” Bucky eyes drifted to the small bump that was clearly visible with her tiny frame. When he finally looked back up at her eyes, dread slammed through his body. Tears were quickly filling her eyes and spilling over the edge. “What is it? Did I say something?! Does something hurt?!” She shook her head, causing more tears to fall as she tried to smile.

“You said _we..._ ” Bucky sighed, eternally grateful that he hadn’t done something to make her cry unhappy tears yet. That time would come because he was human after all. They might be married and all but he was bound to mess up, and so was she. They would fight and cry but they could work through it. Bucky believed most things worth having in life were hard to get and at least a little painful.

“Well, they’re my kids and you’re my wife. **We** are going to raise them. **We** are going to make this work. I can’t do it by myself- don’t even wanna try to do it by myself- so together is best, don’t you think?.” He took her hands in his and smiled as bright as he could. Lena nodded in response. When the tears kept coming Bucky moved closer and held her tight, enjoying the feeling of comforting her.  Scott didn't have to be there anymore, Bucky could now do this himself.  The jealousy grew when he thought of Scott being this close with Lena, but for the moment he shoved it down and focused on Lena as she tried to talk through the sobs.

“Okay, Bucky.” She muttered, trying her best to smile back at him. “We’ll make it work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. :)


	67. Chapter 67

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada!! Dialogue and stuff! More dialogue than I'm used to at least.
> 
> Anywho, enjoy! :)

“You got anything yet, F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” The AI paused for a moment while Tony stepped out of his suit before answering.

“Terry Slater was last seen entering an old abandon church at the edge of the city. Boss, over the past months 34 other individuals have entered that same building at night, none of them have come out.”

“What? What happened to them?”

“There are no cameras within the building. Facial recognition has matched 21 of the 34 people to missing person’s reports. There is no sign of bodies being moved out of the building from any of the camera angles I could find.”

“The hell’s he need 34 bodies for?” Tony muttered as he raked his brain for anything he could think of. Then something that he heard during his meeting with the alien popped into his mind. “Gimme the date for the last person that went in.”

“Yesterday, just before your encounter with the alien.”

“Get the team together.” Tony muttered as he walked towards Lena’s room. A ritual is what the person on the other end of the aliens projection said. Maybe they’re doing something to those people, involving them in a ritual of some kind. But what? Nothing good, I’m sure, but I’m sick of not having answers.

Tony’s thoughts were still flying as he walked up to Lena’s door. When no response came at his quiet knock he opened the door. His heart sank at the sight of the empty room before him. Something must have happened, where is she? What happened?! In his frantic state he failed to realize he could have asked the ever present AI what was going on but instead he ran to find the first person he could.

As Tony raced to the kitchen when the other common rooms turned up empty. Of all the times for people to disappear...! However, when he rounded the last corner he was brought up short at what he saw.

Lena was sitting there, perfectly conscious from the looks of it, and talking with Barnes. Just... talking. Not crying, not shouting, just having a normal conversation. What in the hell had happened after he flew away from the warehouse?!

“I um... I told him...” Steve said from behind Tony who turned slowly and with wide eyes stared at the man. The same wide eyes flashed to Vision as he joined them.

“I think it would be more appropriate to say that he accidentally found out and demanded an explanation from you.” Steve shrugged and sighed, looking over at his friend as he sat oblivious to their conversation, lost in his time with Lena. Tony saw the longing in his eyes, the wish to be there and talk with his old pal but Tony doubted Bucky would want that. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. says you’ve got something?”

“...Yeah...” Tony was still in shock, this was honestly the last thing that he expected to see when he got back. “Get everyone into the meeting room, I’ll be there in a bit, gonna talk to Lena for a sec.” Steve looked like he wanted to say something but he just nodded after a moment and walked off, casting one last forlorn glance at the pair chitchatting.

Vision gave Tony a small nod before following the captain. Tony took a deep breath before walking forwards. Bucky was the first to notice the man, his eyes guarded as he watch him come closer. Was he in on the plan to keep me in the dark? Bucky had been suspicious of just about everyone since he learned the truth, but overall it looked like the only one who wanted to keep Lena a secret was Steve. His hands tightened around Lena’s when she turned around and he studied her carefully to see her reaction.

“Tony.” She said with a small smile.

That was not what Tony had been expecting from her.

Yelling, swearing, maybe a punch or two.

Not a smile.

“...Itsy...” He said cautiously, eyes narrowing as he tried to figure out what was going on.

“He knows now.” Lena pointed to Bucky as if Tony wouldn’t know who she was talking about otherwise. “He can’t remember, but he’s trying...”

“Yeah.” What else was he supposed to say? He felt the need to apologize but before he could Lena stood up and walked closer. Bucky followed suit, standing close to Lena just like old times, and glared at Tony because he still didn’t know where the man stood when it came to Lena.

“Were you the one who got Steve to tell him?”

“I tried to get him to, but he didn’t wanna listen to me. I think Vision said something about Barnes accidently finding out and then asking Steve. Lena, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have-” But again Lena surprised him.

“I forgive you, Tony.” Lena muttered into his chest as she hugged him. “You didn’t mean to do it, you want to fix it.”

“ **Wait.** How can you just forgive me like that?! I ruined everything, Lena!” Tony tried to push her away but she held tight. “Seriously, it’s completely my fault-”

“I forgive you. Now you have to accept my forgiveness and move on Tony. That’s how these things work.”

“No, it’s not! You’re supposed to be mad and get you husband to punch me or something! Then you make me feel really guilty because I’m a complete bastard. Then I have to beg for forgiveness and after years and years of suffering with the guilt, you grudgingly forgive me but never send me Christmas cards. **That’s** how this works.”

“But you’re my friend, I wouldn’t do that to my friend.”

“I’m an awful friend, I-”

“You screwed up. Yeah, it fucking sucks, and yeah, I'm still pissed about it. But you’re sorry, aren’t you?” Tony nods reluctantly, he wasn’t done with his ‘I’m and asshole, hate me’ speech yet. “You regret doing it, yeah?” Again Tony nods. “You’re trying to fix it, right?” Another nod. “Then I forgive you, Tony.”

“But-”

“Do you want me to punch you?”

“ _Yes!_ I want you angry-” Lena throws the weakest, sorriest excuse for a punch and hits his shoulder lightly. “The hell was that?! Is that what you’re teaching her, Barnes?”

“There, now stop it.”

“You can’t expect me to-”

“Tony.” Lena snapped and glared up at the man. “You really wanna argue with an emotionally unstable pregnant woman?” Tony’s mouth snapped shut and he quickly shook his head. “Then be quiet, give me a hug, and go save the world again.” Tony silently nodded and hugged her before walking out with a bemused expression.

“Way to show up late to your own meeting, Stark.” Natasha said with a smile. “How’d it go-”

“Later, Nat. F.R.I.D.A.Y., tell them what you found.” Tony sat down and listened with the rest of them but he wasn’t really all there. She forgave me, just like that...

“What do you think, Stark?”

“Hmm?” Was all Tony could mutter as he focused back on the conversation. Natasha rolled her eyes as she sighed and repeated herself.

“We’re making plans to head out. Should we do it tonight or wait until tomorrow?”

“Any recent activity, F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“None, boss.”

“Let’s wait ‘til tomorrow then. We can rest up and get a plan together when we’re all thinking straight.”

They all went their separate ways after that, Natasha getting dragged away for some training before she could corner Tony and grill him about what happened. Bruce, on the other hand, had plenty of free time to go and talk.

“So?” He asked as he pushed his glasses back up into place from where they had slid down his nose. “How’d it go?”

“She forgave me, said I was her friend.” Bruce smiled at Tony’s stunned tone and expression, patting him on the shoulder as he did.

“Good.”

“She’s still my friend.”

“I never doubted it. You’ve been the one who’s been trying the hardest to fix everything, you and Scott were the ones keeping her together. Of course she was going to forgive you.”

“But I-” Bruce’s sigh cut him off. “Right, gotta accept it and move on.” Tony muttered as he ran a hand through his hair. “Think she’s going to forgive Steve that easily?” The question popped up and Tony felt a little guilty for hoping that she wouldn’t.

“That I’m not so sure about. She blames Steve a lot more than you, or even Wanda for that matter. I think in her mind Steve’s the one who took Bucky away when he told Bucky that if he wanted Lena he had to do as he said. Steve used the bond that Lena and Bucky shared to get Bucky to listen and I think that’s what really pisses her off, besides the fact that Bucky’s gone and all. Steve’s also the one who kept him in the dark about her. It’ll be a while, I think, before she can forgive. If she even can, that is.” Bruce’s voice grew soft as he explained the way he saw the whole mess.

“Yeah...” Tony couldn’t think of anything better to say in response. “Well, go get some rest of something. We’ve got some ass to kick tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins.

“Everyone get some sleep?” Tony asked, his voice much cheerier after yesterday’s turn of events. “Yes? No? Anything?” The team shared a collective sigh. They might have gotten some rest, but it was still ungodly early in the morning. 

Lena stood off to the side, awake only to send them off. Bucky, who had slept on the couch in their shared room, followed simply to make sure Lena was okay. He instinctively reached for her when Steve walked closer.

“I’ll see you later, Buck.” The captain murmured, looking hopefully at his friend. That hope was dashed to the ground when he saw the guarded look in his eyes. Then again, he’d rather have that than the look Lena was sending him. There was still a lot of anger there, a lot of mistrust, still so much pain, all of which he had caused. From what Steve had gathered from bits and pieces of what he heard from Bruce, Lena had forgiven Tony already. A selfish part of Steve had wished for the same thing.

Bucky nodded curtly, his arms curling around Lena’s shoulder as if to make the point again that she was his. Steve sighed, nodded, and walked back towards the others. He had expected that reaction. 

“Take care of her, Barnes.” Scott ordered as he hugged Lena, giving the man a teasing grin. He knew exactly how jealous he was making Bucky and he was thoroughly enjoying it. This would be the only time he could tease the man. When- if- he got his memories back Scott would never pull this kinda stunt unless he wanted to get punched through a wall or two. Scott only laughed harder when Bucky grunted in response.

“Alright, let’s go. I’ve got an alien to punch.” The team gave Lena and Bucky one last wave before filing onto the jet.

“They sure do care about you.” Bucky muttered as he watched them fly off into the distance. Lena just nodded, still feeling conflicted over everything that had happened. She was never going to forget, not for one second, but maybe in time she could forgive them like she forgave Tony. Maybe...

“You hungry? I can make something for breakfast.”

“Sure.”

“What do you want?” Bucky turned to look at Lena and smiled when their eyes met. 

“Anything’s fine, doll.” Lena started to blush and quickly turned away, hastily walking off in the direction of the kitchen, but Bucky stood there for a few more moments. 

That was adorable, he thought, whatever me I was before had pretty good taste. After stuffing his hands into his pockets, he followed after Lena, a smug grin tugging at his lips the whole way. This was going to be fun.

~~~~~

“James Buchanan Barnes, if you try and tickle me one more time I’m going to burn your food so bad you won’t be able to tell it’s eggs!” Bucky could barely hear Lena’s loud voice over his own laughter as he deftly dodged the spatula she was aimlessly swinging around. But for all her shouting she was wearing a bright smile and Bucky would do just about anything to keep it there. 

“Alright, alright! Mercy!” He held his hands up in front of himself to show his good intentions but Lena’s eyes narrowed as she looked at him. She knew better than to think he would surrender so easily. Bucky stood up tall, grinning like the Cheshire cat as he slowly moved closer.

“B-Bucky, you stay over there. I don’t want to hurt you, but if you jeopardize breakfast-” With quick movements Bucky wrapped his hand around the one hold the spatula and stepped closer.

“You wouldn’t really hit me with a spatula, would you?” He purred close to her ear and grinned triumphantly when he heard Lena’s gasp. “I just wanna see you laugh, doll. Is that so bad?” 

“I- I- I need to-to... Breakfast i-is g-going to burn...” A reluctant sigh echoed through the kitchen as Bucky pulled back, taking to memory- again he supposed- the sight of Lena blushing bright. As soon as she was free she turned and continued to cook, making sure to keep her back to Bucky. 

“I’ll let you off the hook this time, sweetheart, but only because the food’s on the line. Next time, though, you’re mine.” Bucky’s tone was lighthearted as he leaned against the counter, arms crossed over his chest and a happy-go-luck smile lighting up his face. 

Lena opened her mouth several times to say something in return but words failed her. All she could do was stare at the stove and try to force the blood from her heated face. 

~~~~~

“This time we’re making a plan, right? Last time was good and all but there’s a little more on the line this time.” Clint smiled as he spoke from the pilot’s seat, more than ready for this mess to be done with so he could go home. He loved being an Avengers and the awkward family they had created, but he love his real family more. 

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., how many ways in and out?”

“Three.”

“We split up, cover them all, and kick some ass once we get inside.” 

“This is why Steve usually calls it, you have the same plan for everything.” Natasha rubbed her eyes as she sighed, tactical plans were not Tony’s strong suit.

“Tony’s right, there’s not much else we can do on such short notice. Just be prepared you guys, we’re dealing with at least one alien who’s got enough tech to project himself miles away. We can only guess what kind of weapons he’s got.” 

“I was counting on you, Cap.” Clint muttered from the front with a teasing grin. He didn’t mind the storm in with guns blazing plan all that much, keeps everyone on their toes at least. “Alright, hope you all are ready ‘cause here we are.” Clint lands the jet in the deserted street and the all walk out, eyes trained on the old church. Tony quickly got into one of his suits before exiting the jet with the others.

The place was falling apart, overgrown plants and graffiti covering the walls. Bit of the bricks were starting to chip away, some whole columns knocked over. As if to add to the overall eerier feeling the church was giving off, everything was dead silent. The sound of the rubble crunching under their feet was the only thing to be heard.

Silently the group split up, each taking a different approach to the building. With his repulsors raised and ready for anything, Tony pushed the rotting door in, the creaking of the hinges amplified by the cavernous space within. 

“Why is it that abandon churches are so damn creepy?” Tony whispered more to himself than anything, but even that seemed to echo in the overwhelming silence. Just as he was about to focus on the dark room before him the lights snapped on, causing all the Avengers to freeze.

“Welcome!” Kmris called from the center of the room, arms spread wide as if greeting old friends but his smile was no less vicious than it was the last time he had spoken with the Avengers. “I was beginning to think you’d never show.” 

“What the hell-?” Everyone’s eye went wide at what they saw before them. 

Everyday people filled the room- old, young, men, women- and all stood unsettlingly still. The civilians all had glassy eyes, staring at nothing as the stood there, hardly even breathing. Each held what looked like a small button in their hands, what they were for the Avengers could only guess. There were the 34 people he had seen walk in, and many more besides that. There had to be at least 60 people total. How had F.R.I.D.A.Y. not seen this?!

Tony took a step forward only to be stopped by the laughter from the alien.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He chuckled and motion to the two people standing behind him. One was Terry Slater, the other was a woman. 

“Why shouldn’t I? Afraid you’re going to get your ass beat?”

“Why don’t you think about what those people are holding?” Terry spoke up, his voice shaky and unstable. 

Without waiting for more Tony turned to the closest civilian, a small girl no more than 6 years old, and scanned the device in her hand. It was a detonator, for what exactly he wasn’t sure. After a quick scan around, he realized they were all detonators.

“Alright, I give up. Tell me your evil plan, use a musical number if you have to.” Tony joked around but he didn’t dare take another step. 

“Always so lighthearted.” The alien’s disturbing eyes locked on Tony’s even behind his mask. “Your teammates must get so frustrated.”

“Enough. Get out of your suit, Iron Man.” Terry spat out, interrupting the alien who only sighed in mild irritation. 

“Um... no, I’m good.”

“Each one of those detonators are wired to set off a different bomb, bombs all over the city. Some at hospitals, schools, churches, government buildings, homes. In the blink of an eye, I can make any one of these people set theirs off.”

“Yeah, I’m sure the dazed civilians are just dying to follow your orders.”

“They don’t have a choice in the matter, just like your little witch didn’t have a choice in the matter. I’ve been collecting them for this very purpose, and with Krmis’s ritual I can keep them frozen in time, just waiting for me to jump inside. It takes a few days to set up the connection after I come into contact with them, but it’s well worth the time spent waiting. Maybe you can stop me in time, maybe not. You want to risk it? Unless you want little Cammie there to set her detonator off first, forcing a small child to kill hundreds of innocent people, get out of your suit.”

With no other options available Tony listened and slowly stepped out of the suit. 

This was not looking too good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	69. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, here ya go, next chapter. Hope y'all like it, I spent a great deal of time trying to write it so it fit with everything else. Here's to hoping. :)

“Get him here, F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Tony whispered, ensuring no one else could hear, as he stepped out of the suit. “I’ll stall for as long as I can, but get him here.”

The very next second F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice interrupted Lena and Bucky’s breakfast. Bucky was startled at the sudden voice from the general direction of the ceiling. He doubted he would ever get used to it...

“Mr. Barnes, Mr. Stark needs you at the church.” Lena’s blood runs cold, this hasn’t happened before. Why would they need Bucky, he’s not what he was, he can’t do what he used to.

“Um, why?” Bucky tilted his head back as far as he could to question the ceiling, feeling more than a little foolish. “Something wrong?”

“You’re going to need a sniper rifle.” Bucky jumped up, not sure if he was surprised or angry or just plain old confused. What in the hell was he gonna do with a snipper rifle?! He had never even used a gun before, especially none of these fancy future guns.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., what’s going on? Bucky... he’s not the same. He can’t...” Lena’s voice shook as she was forced to remember that her Bucky was gone.

“Everyone else is indisposed, they need him.”

“What do you mean, not the same? Could I use a gun before?”

Lena was unsure what she was supposed to do. Telling him his whole history would not only take time but it might just break him. He’s good right now, pure with clean hands, having never killed a man.

“Lena?” Bucky’s own voice was shaking. Just who was he before? How had he gotten all the scars that marred his skin? How had he lost his arm? How had he lived this long? He had been trying to focus on Lena, ignoring the questions about his past, but that seemed impossible now. “Hey, doll, what’s going on?”

“You could, use a gun that is. You were really good, you...” Lena trailed off, how am I supposed to say this?! I can’t break him, I just _can’t..._ He’s so happy, he deserves to be happy!

“Have I...” His voice faded out as he thought about it. If he could use a gun, a sniper rifle no less, he must have had to kill people. “What... I don’t remember... did I... was it...?” Bucky could say a single complete sentence, his mind racing as he tried to process this new information.

“Yes, but it was the bad guys.” For the moment, for the sake of his sanity, Lena was leaving out the time he spent in Hydra’s claws. “You’re a good man, you protect people.”

“I don’t think... I don’t think I can do that. Kill someone? I’ve never...” With clumsy movements he sits back down, eyes wide as he desperately tried to remember anything. “I can fight, I’ve always fought, but shooting them? **_Killing_** them?” Lena worried her lip as she watch Bucky struggle, the carefree tone of the morning seeming to be a distant memory.

“I’ll do it... you taught me how to shoot, so did my dad. Tell me where a gun and a car are F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Lena’s hands were shaking but her voice was surprisingly steady. She’d do it if it meant that Bucky could stay sane, she’d do anything for him.

**“What?!** No, you can’t! A woman shouldn’t... You can’t just... I can’t let you go and kill someone. You’re pregnant, you’re my wife, I can’t...” Bucky once again jumped to his feet, grabbing Lena’s shoulders tight and pulling her close so he could get his point across.

“They need help, I can help. It’s... it’s simple.”

“It’s not fucking simple, Lena! That’s a life you’re talking about, a human being, just like the two growing inside of you.”

“I know that, Bucky, believe me, I know! But they need help, Tony needs help, I can’t just abandon him after all he’s done for me, for us.” Lena’s fists clench around the front of his shirt as she stares intently into the almost familiar blue eyes.

“... Show me how to use the gun, you’re not going anywhere near whatever it is that they can’t take down.”

“Bucky, I can-”

“You’re not going, Lena! That’s it, no arguing. Give me the Goddamn gun.” Lena watched in horror as Bucky’s eyes hardened, as he forced the human part of himself deep down. Tear filled her eyes and the fearful anger rose to the surface.

“You can’t, you’ve got no idea how to shoot!”

“Then teach me.” Came Bucky’s hard reply and not moments later does F.R.I.D.A.Y. direct them to the shooting range and the guns.

Reluctantly Lena explained how the gun worked as fast as she could. Bucky nodded silently as he struggled with the weight of having to kill someone. This wasn’t how he saw today going. They got into position and after an unsuccessful attempt to calm down Bucky pulled the trigger.

“You missed.” The tone of Lena’s voice was almost glad which just made Bucky more upset. 

No way in **fucking hell** was he letting his wife go out in the middle of that mess and kill a man!! Not his wife, not fucking ever! A familiar anger started to burn in his chest, just like when he found out Steve had kept him in the dark about Lena, and it slowly started to consume every thought.

He can see Lena in his mind, broken and laying on the ground. There’s blood pooling under her, so much blood. She’s been shot, why the hell was she shot?! Who would shoot at her? Lena’s too pale, she’s not breathing... He could have saved her, he should have!

An unsettling thought started to push its way into his mind. Was what he saw a figment of his imagination, a thought of what might happen if he let her go, or was it a lost memory? Had Lena really been shot? Did he hold her in his arms as she faded?

**_You protect her or so help me God I will end you._ **

A voice from deep within Bucky’s forgotten memories snapped at him and fanned the flames of his rage. With a clenched jaw he focused back on the target and fired round after round into it. Lena fell silent as she watched Bucky shoot, she had seen that look in his eyes before, that was her Bucky.

After all the shots had been taken, Bucky took a moment and just stared at the target.

What _was_ that?

All of the sudden he just lost it and decimated the target.

What in the hell had he been before this?

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., tell me where I’m going.” He stood tall, trying to grow accustom to the weight of the gun in his hands.

“Bucky-”

“I’m going to do this, Lena. Obviously I’ve done it before. Just wait, doll, I’ll be back in no time.” He tried to smile down at his wife but it didn’t reach his eyes. Lena pushed her way into his arms, hugging him desperately.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t want you to-”

“Shh, sweetheart, everything’s going to be fine. Maybe... maybe doing this will help me remember...” Lena shook her head sadly. If this was what it took... how could she make him kill a man just so she could have her Bucky back? How selfish is that?!

“Mr. Barnes, you really need to leave now.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. said from the ceiling and if Lena didn’t know better, she’d say that the AI sounded almost worried. Bucky quickly kisses Lena before turning on his heels and walking off to a waiting car.

You can do this, you have to.

The voice from before floats to the front of his mind. It could have been his voice, the tone was lower, rougher, but maybe that’s who he used to be. Obviously who or whatever it was cared for Lena. There was so much he still wanted to know, needed to know.

The car drove itself, the future would never cease to amaze him, and in no time there was a large church growing larger on the horizon. F.R.I.D.A.Y. explained what he would need to do and who he had to aim at, **kill.** Bucky glanced at the gun next to him and sighed.

How did it come to this?

~~~~~

“You think you’re so much better than everyone, Stark, but you’re no better than the aliens from the incident. You broke the only home I’d ever known. It wasn’t much, just an old building, but we were safe there. All the runaways, we had a home at least for a night. And you **took** that!” Terry screamed, waving a gun in the air before shakily aiming at Tony.

Tony felt bed, he really did. This wasn’t the first of the stories he’d heard like this and it wouldn’t be the last. People die and that’s awful. Yeah they could use some oversight, but people were gonna die regardless. However, blaming the Avengers alone for every death was something Tony wasn’t alright with him. It’s not entirely their guilt to bear.

“Hang on, I need you to clarify something.” Natasha spoke up before Terry could start again. She waited until Kmris looked at her before continuing. “You said you were here to mess with us so your buddy Thanos could end us without much of a fight, that’s why you messed with Barnes. You wanted to break the trust between everyone.” The alien merely smiled as he listened. “But you’re just going to let this kid kill Tony, who you yourself said was our leader?”

“You’re right, that doesn’t quite make sense, does it?” Kmris’s voice is as airy as ever and almost... happy? What’s he playing at? Natasha kept running through everything she knew so far but nothing was adding up. Yeah, messing with Barnes was stressful and she doubted they could really go back to how they were before, but they could still kickass as a team. And he worships that Thanos guy, no way he’d let some human take the credit for killing any of the Avengers.

**_“Shut up!!”_** Terry screamed, his hand finally steady as he aimed at Tony’s head. Tony just stood there, having faith that F.R.I.D.A.Y. got Bucky to come. After all, there wasn’t much else to believe in at the moment. No one would risk going for Terry knowing that many innocent people were going to get killed if they didn’t kill him the very second they moved. The Avengers were good and they knew it, but they weren’t going to risk it after everything that had happened in recent years.

Kmris just watched the scene with a small smile, looking, Tony thought, like he was waiting for something. God, Tony wanted to punch that smirk off his face so bad.

Terry’s finger started to tighten on the trigger but before he could kill the man before him a window smashed and a bullet blew through his head. He falls, the woman next to him screaming as she tried to catch him. Kmris’s smile grew and he snapped his fingers. The civilians, who had just been standing there suddenly jerked to life but their eyes were no less unfocused.

“That pathetic human was partially right, these people were waiting for a command, but it wasn’t his. They are **my** puppets. They may not be very resilient or strong, but you can’t really fight your own people- some children even- at your full strength can you? With this many it will take you a while to deal with them all in a safe manner, and just on the off chance you can deal with them, more are on the way. You enjoy one of my parting gifts, I’ve got an errand to run before I can give you the second one.”

Natasha fired her guns without hesitation as Clint fired an arrow, but both flew through the alien much like Tony’s punch the day before. This was a projection, Kmris was somewhere else.

“You coward!” Tony spat as he got back into his suit, trying to deal with the people rushing at him as delicately as he could.

“Your little spider was right, I would **never** let a pathetic worm claim the honor- however slight it might be- that comes with taking your miserable head. I’ve merely come as a precursor. Let me ask you this, do you know what you all so desperately depend on no matter what happens on your meaningless missions? A home, someplace to go back to. You just saw what happens to people when their home gets taken. As if to make it easier for me, you’ve let someone take on the responsibilities of caring for that home, just one tiny person. You’re amnesiac assassin acted like I knew he would, he couldn’t let his wife pull the trigger. He took the job and left. _She’s all alone.”_

He said the last sentence in a singsong voice as his projection began to fade. Tony’s heart froze as his mind flashed to Lena. She was defenseless and pregnant to boot. No way she could hold off an alien freak! If they lost her- if Tony lost another friend- everything would fall apart for good. They managed to salvage the pieces after the last disaster, but this would be too much too soon. The Avengers wouldn’t be able to survive that. They need Lena, they need that little bit of normal in their completely abnormal lives.

“But not for long.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah... I kid you not, I just spent the last hour and a half editing and rewriting this. But here, this is the best I've got. :)

Kmris hadn’t expected things to go this well. Yes, the humans were pathetic and easy to fool but he had thought they were a bit better than this. He had several different contingencies on the off chance that not everything went according to plan.

“What fools...” He muttered as he effortlessly walked into their precious Tower. Their guards were dealt with without sparing a single glance. Lights were flashing as he calmly walked up the flights of stairs, the locked doors hardly even an obstacle to him.

“Mrs. Barnes, please go to the workshop. There is a-”

“No, I’d much rather you not.” Lena spun around fast, eyes going wide at the unfamiliar voice. Her heart stopped at the alien before her, his smile freezing her blood. “You must be Lena.”

~~~~~

Bucky just stayed where he was, frozen after having pulled the trigger.

I had to, he would have killed Tony. Lena would have been broken again if that happened. I had to... The shock of it all started to fade a lot sooner than he had expected. I suppose that thanks to whatever my previous line of work was.

Slowly he stood up tall again, dropping the gun. With a sigh he ran his hands through his hair.

“Mr. Barnes, you need to get back into the car, there are men coming-” F.R.I.D.A.Y. was cut off by the sound of the door to the roof being kicked open by men in tactical gear. Three men rushed Bucky and before he had time to think a fist was driven into his gut.

His adrenaline kicked in and the fight began.

They were better than he was used to. The last time he could remember the odds being this far against him was when he had to save little Steve after he picked a fight with some ass holes talking shit about the military.

Bucky was good at fighting, there was no arguing that fact. These guys were simply better. They moved faster than he thought possible and their glazed over eyes gave Bucky the creeps. One of Bucky’s hits would connect while two of theirs connected with him. Pain was exploding from every direction.

“Mr. Barnes, Kmris is going to try and kill Lena.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. said above the din of the fight and Bucky froze. Lena was all alone, that must have been his plan all along. She can’t beat him, she’ll die.

I should have stayed! She’s going to...

The image of Lena from before flashed before his eyes, joined by another image of her being suspended from the ceiling. Covered from head to toe in cuts and bruises. An angry giant of a man stands next to her, holding a knife to her throat.

Those are memories, they have to be.

I can’t win.

Lena’s going to die.

I just got her back and she’s going to be taken.

The babies...!

_**NO!** _

The voice from before echoes through Bucky’s thoughts and in a quick move he didn’t think himself capable of, two of the three men are shoved off the roof.

_**We’re not losing MY Lena! Get moving kid.** _

In another flash of movement the last man is tossed over the edge. Bucky swallowed hard and stared at his hands in a mixture of awe and horror. What had he been capable of before? He just killed three more people in the blink of an eye without a hint of remorse. He was a... One word came to mind and it frightened Bucky more than anything else that had happened today.

He was a _monster_ , and Lena had loved- loves!- him?!

**_Yeah, a monster. That’s what they made us. That’s right, kid, US. But Lena loves us anyways, she trusts us. I’ll be damned before I let that trust be misplaced. Now, move!_ **

They? Who’s they? Why did they make us into a monster? How did they make me into that? What did they make him do!?

“Kmris has Lena, Mr. Barnes!” F.R.I.D.A.Y. yells through the speakers. “I can’t keep him out-”

“Yes, my dear assassin, I’ve got your pregnant wife. Such a tiny thing. Say goodbye, keeper of the house.” The voice that interrupts F.R.I.D.A.Y. is filled with dark satisfaction that sent chills down Bucky’s spine.

A shout of absolute fury explodes from Bucky’s lost memories and before he can even react he’s lost consciousness.

**“Keep your hands off my wife!** Goddamn it kid, I told you to move.” Without a second thought Bucky jumps off the side of the building before sliding into the driver’s seat of the car.

“Bucky?!” Lena’s voice is raspy, the bastard’s choking her!

“Ah, well, I must admit I didn’t think you’d be making an appearance again.”

“Lena, I’ll be right there, doll.”

“You’re-!”

“Yeah, for now anyways.”

“I don’t appreciate being ignored.” Krmis hissed, the single sentence followed but a shrill scream.

Bucky’s blood boiled.

It’s been absolute hell.

He’s been watching everything, screaming and shouting for all he’s worth as everything fell apart but unable to actually do anything to stop it.

But not anymore, he was going to obliterate the monster who dared to hurt his wife, his Lena.

The buildings flew by as he raced through the city, growing more and more tense and furious with each scream that blasted through the speakers.

“As much as I do enjoy my time with you, I should get this show on the road.” Before Bucky could yell something back a gunshot sounded and the screaming stopped.

“...Lena...?” The car screeched to a halt and Bucky tore through the building, snagging one of many guns he had stashed around the tower. His heart was pounding, the only thing he could hear was the sound his feet made as they raced up the stairs. He skid around the last corner, gun raised, but he never got the chance to fire it.

“Come now,” The alien said cheerfully as Bucky was suddenly slammed into the wall, pinned there by some invisible force. “You didn’t think I’d kill her when you weren’t here to see it.” Bucky tried to bark out threats but he couldn’t even move his lips, all he could do was glare angrily at the alien. “No, I wouldn’t do that. I know what you fear most, little assassin. Your greatest fear is your dear wife slipping away while you watch helplessly from the sidelines, unable to save her like you should.”

Lena was levitating, hands desperately trying to grasp the unseen force choking her. Although as each second passed her struggling grew less and less. Her eyes fell on Bucky and for a short moment they looked at each other.

That’s my Bucky, she thought happily as her eyes started to close. She opened her mouth to speak but no air was able to escape the titan grip on her throat. After a moment to gather her thoughts as the world was fading around her she mouthed “goodbye” before her eyes closed.

Bucky fought, with everything he had he fought, but it wasn’t enough. All he could do was watch as Lena died with a smile on her face. No, no, no, no, please don’t take my Lena, not her, anything but her. Please! Bucky screamed as Lena stopped moving altogether, her arms falling to her side and the smile fading from her face.

So much had happened today, it's no surprise that this was the last straw. Bucky's mind was already in a fragile state from all the switching of consciousness that had happened these last few days. First he was himself, and then nothing, and then his younger self, then his normal self... But now, now he was just broken. This was too much for him. Bucky’s mind fell around him in shattered pieces as Lena's dead body hung suspended before him.

“Well, your wife’s dead, but wasn’t that a sweet smile-” Kmris spoke with such satisfaction, he had completed his mission, Thanos would surely be pleased. Before Bucky could even think about retribution Wanda burst into the room and cut off Kmris's gloating. In a flash of red energy from one hand the aliens neck was twisted around and as she clenched her other hand his body contorted into a mess. The sound of breaking bones was sickening but Bucky didn’t have time to care. He fell to the ground and desperately crawled to where Lena had landed.

“Open your eyes, doll, please just open your eyes. You can’t be dead, you can’t leave.”

“Lena, where-” Tony was next to come crashing through the door, falling silent when he was Bucky crying as he frantically rocked an all too still Lena in his arms. He sucked in a fast breath and tried to hold it in deep. He’d... he’d lost another friend...?

“No, no, no... It’s my fault, this is all my fault. You’re my wife, I’m supposed to protect you to keep you safe and I didn’t, I never could. I should have let you go in Romania but I wanted you so desperately, I wanted you a normal life with you, I’m sorry. Lena, please, I’m so sorry. Please open your eyes, I’m sorry...!” His hands were shaking badly but he couldn’t seem to find a pulse, she wasn’t breathing...!

“It appears as though he just knocked her out, boss, she’s still got a weak pulse. Any longer and she would be dead. I sent for doctors.” The words the AI spoke were lost on Bucky as he rocked her back and forth and he cried. Soon enough the doctors entered the room and tried to take Lena away. Bucky just held her limp body closer, screaming at the men trying to take her.

**“No!** You don’t understand! She’s mine, she trusts me, you can’t take her. _You can’t take her!!_ Stop it, go away, she’s safe with me, she’s s-supposed to be **_safe._** I’ll keep her safe, I promised I would... I... I... I _promised_... My Lena, I p-promised her.” Bucky sobbed as he looked down at her.

“Buck, Lena need to see the doctors so they can save her.” Steve carefully crouched down next to his friend, gently resting a hand on his shoulder. “You can stay with her but she needs to go.” After another tense moment Bucky relinquished her body to the men, clumsily standing to his feet to follow after.

“You save her.” Tony said in a serious tone as he grabbed one of the doctors before they walked out. “You bring her back...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little shorter than I'd like, but it's hard to write a longer rant without it just being a repeat of other rants. That being said here y'all go. I haven't said it in a couple chapter, so thanks. For reading, for the comments, kudos, and everything else. :) You guys are the best!

For the longest time Bucky sat there watching the doctors and nurses come and go. Lena looked almost peaceful as she lay there, the only thing that could point to the fact she was hurt was the darkening bruises around her neck. And, for once, Bucky wasn’t the one who put them there. They told him she should be okay, that everything was going to be just fine, but until he saw her eyes open he refused to believe anything. He wouldn’t start to hope if it had even the slightest chance to be taken away.

As he sat keeping watch, he held her hand, his thumb stroking absent mindedly over her knuckles. The rest of the team came in periodically to talk to him. But just like the doctors, Bucky ignored them, eyes locked on Lena’s face.

“Let me in, he’s still my-”

“Just let it go for now, Cap. Let him adjust-” Steve and Tony’s argument got louder and louder just outside the door. Bucky clenched his free fist and finally tore his eyes away from Lena.

“Will you all just shut the fuck up!!” He shouts as he stands, turning to glare at the men. Tony just rolls his eyes, throwing his hands in the air while Steve pales at the sight of Bucky’s anger.

“Buck-”

“Get away from me, Steve.” The voice that spoke the words changed, no longer yelling and volatile. It was dark and scarily resolute considering the circumstances the man had gone through. Steve preferred the first tone of voice, he knew how to deal with a shouting unstable Bucky. He’d never been on the receiving end of this calm anger, he never wanted to be. “Get. Out. Right. Now-”

“...Bucky?” Lena’s soft voice interrupted him and Bucky spun around, the fury he felt when he saw Steve pushed back down, saved away for another time. “Is it...?”

“Lena...” Bucky sighed, his knees hitting the floor as he collapsed. He repeated her name time and again as he rested his head on the edge of her bed. “It’s me, it’s me...”

“Was it because I made you kill someone? I- I didn’t w-wa-want to...! I swear I didn’t, Bucky...”

“No! Lena, doll, that’s not... It’s just... It was **not** because of that, I swear.”

Bucky quickly moves to sit next to her on the bed, wiping away the tears that had started to fall. Lena smiled as she continued to cry, nodding like a bobble head. Bucky pulled her up into his arms, stroking her hair softly as he tried to stop his body from shaking.

“I wasn’t about to trust your life in the hands of that kid. I finally broke through and I’m not going anywhere, I swear. You can’t scare me like that, Lena. I thought I really lost you that time.”

“I’m sorry, Bucky...”

“You don’t have to apologize, doll. It’s not your fault.”

“Okay. Hey Bucky?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m gonna... I'm gonna go back to sleep, okay? It’s been a while since I slept well.” As if to prove her point, a yawn punctuates her sentence. Bucky kissed the top of her head before laying her back down.

“Okay, I’ll be here when you wake up.” She nodded, eyes sliding shut. Bucky dropped one more kiss before standing up and quietly talking to Tony. “You and Scott stay with her. Steve!” Steve winced at the sound of his name being barked down the hall. He was more than a little temped to run but that would only delay the inevitable.

“Y-yeah?” Bucky motioned for him to follow, eyes hard as ice and just as cold.

This was gonna hurt...

Once they were far from the infirmary and in an area where they would cause the least amount of collateral damage, Bucky turned around without warning and drove his fist into Steve’s jaw. Steve went flying, barely getting to his feet in time to dodge the next attack.

**_“My wife!”_** Bucky screamed. _**“You weren’t ever going to tell the kid about her, you were gonna let her die!”**_

“I-”

“You what, Steve? You were looking out for me? You were **protecting** me?! I don’t need protecting, Steve, you know what I need? I need _Lena_ , not you, not friendship, not memories, just her.  And you were going to kill her!! You were supposed to protect them when I was gone, that’s what **friends** do! But Lena and my kids were as good as dead in your hands!” Bucky attacked relentlessly, not giving Steve a single moment to retaliate. Never had Steve seen Bucky like this, not back in the 40’s, not during the war, not as the Winter Soldier or any time since.

“You weren’t the same-”

“That doesn’t fucking matter, Steve! You **know** that she the most important thing in my life, _you know that!_ There will never be a version of me that doesn’t want and need her! I was stuck watching as she ran out the door when the kid didn’t recognize her. Trapped in a cage within my own Goddamn mind, all the while knowing she was falling apart but I couldn’t do anything about it. I watched as you completely disregarded her entire existence so you could have me back the way I was in the 40’s. How could you keep her from me!? I’m better with her, how can you not see that?!”

“You were good before, I wanted-”

_**“Shut up!”**_ Bucky’s fist connected yet again with Steve but this time he stayed hunched over in the corner, looking mournfully at his pissed off friend. “What you want is irrelevant when it comes to me and my memories Steve. What **_I_** want is what matters, and if I can’t make those decisions for myself then it’s what Lena wants and what she sees as the best option. You play _**no** _ role in that process, Steve. Maybe you did in the 40’s and during the war, hell maybe you even held a little sway after Lena and I got here. But not anymore, maybe never again.”

“I just wanted what was best for you...”

“No, Steve. You wanted what was best for **you**.”

“I’m sorry!” Steve shouted back, standing tall and waiting for the next hit. But none came, Bucky simply stood there and stared at him with a frigid expression.

“You should be.” Without another word Bucky walked back to where Lena was sleeping. When Bucky was out of sight Steve let out the breath he had been holding before slumping under the weight of the guilt.

“Well, that was something.” Natasha said, stepping out of the shadows

“I deserve it though, he’s completely right. I just... I was being selfish.”

“Come on, let’s go get those looked.” Natasha nodded to the various bruises he had sustained. Steve nodded as he stood up tall and walked with Natasha to the infirmary, his body protesting every inch of the way.  Steve didn't even bother turning to look into Lena's room as he walked past, knowing the only thing waiting would be an cold shoulder.

~~~~~

“Thank you, Scott, and you too Tony, for keeping her safe while I was... gone...”

“She’s our friend, what did you think we were going to do-” Scott started to say, only to be cut off with a sharp elbow to the side from Tony. When Tony had Scott’s attention he nodded to the hallway where Steve had just walked past them and Scott's eyes widened dramatically as it hit him. “Oh... right... Sorry, man. I guess not all friends... I mean, Steve was...  It's just...” Scott just trailed off before he dug his own grave.

“... Anyways, thanks again.” Bucky sighed, trying his best to forget about the whole thing with Steve before the anger boiled up again. He’d only end up punching Steve some more and potentially not being there when Lena woke up.

For now, he’d let Steve be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	72. Author's Note

Sorry that this isn't the next chapter you guys, I really am. But, that being said, I've been really sick these last few days and I just can not write/edit to save my life. I thought I was getting a little better yesterday morning but then it just came back and hit me like a freaking bus. I get sick all the time, but I haven't felt this bad since I was in the ER with pneumonia and strep throat a year ago... I really hope it's not that again... Anyways, I'm really sorry about the delay in the story. I'll try and put the next chapter up on Wednesday. Hope you all have a better couple days than I've had. :)


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm better, guys! Well, more or less. Wish I could say I got more done during my little break but... no, I slept a lot from the cold or whatever. Don't think I edited this one as much as I should have but I did give it a go. I apologize for any errors. Anywho, enough babbling on my part. Here's the next section, not sure how much farther I'm going to take them. I can see and ending for them but I don't wanna just shove that in your faces. Alternatively I don't really wanna write this story forever either. Meh, we'll figure it out.

“Heavy Metal, I get that you’re pissed and wanna go after Thanos, believe me when I say you’re not the only one. But he’s already coming to us. Why spend all the money and resources building spaceships to go **_try_ ** and find him when we’re going to have the home field advantage when he **_does_** get here?”

Bucky merely grumbled in the face of Tony’s logic. He was right, they should stay here and prepare. Thor had stayed for only a moment, long enough to get the name before heading back to his realm. They’ll just have to wait and see what he can dig up about this Thanos character.

“You and Itsy really need to get away for a while. Oh! I know of this great place over in Italy, they’ve got the best-”

“Yeah, I don’t think so. Here,” Scott steps in front of Tony pushes a map into Bucky hands. “It’s a nice little cabin, good trails to walk on if you feel like some fresh air, a lake for swimming, not too many neighbors to bother you.”

Bucky looked down at the folded up map where Scott had written down the path to get to this cabin, somewhere in Vermont it looked like. It took only a moment for Bucky to think it over, agreeing before Tony tried to push anything else on him. This was exactly what they needed, some time for just the two of them.

“This is great, thanks.” Bucky gave a small smile and awkward nod before heading back to where Lena was trying to nap. She’d been sleeping a lot lately, not that he expected anything different, recent event had taken their toll on her. On him. In fact, on just about everyone.

_“But Italy!”_ Tony whined with a grin, just trying to tease the man. Scott had the right idea, this was more they’re style. Bucky just shook his head and kept walking. Briefly his thoughts shifted towards Steve but just as fast as they came he pushed them down. Trying to stay calm while thinking about all that had happened was turning out to be a lot harder than he thought it would be.

“Doll, you still up?” He asked quietly as he opened the door, his steps as silent as the grave.

“Yeah, can’t sleep at all. How’s Tony?”

“He’s fine, said we should just wait for Thanos to come to us. I mean, he’s right, but I just wanna...” Bucky trails off as he sits next to Lena on the bed, resting against the headboard and happily snuggling with Lena as she wiggled closer.

“You and me both. I could punch that guy a time or two-”

“You’re not going anywhere near him.” Bucky voice dropped an octave and rumbled deep in his chest. Lena could hear the protectiveness saturating his tone and sighed.

She was impressed she was still allowed to walk on her own, he had been treating her like glass and not letting her out of his sight for more than a minute or two. Not that Lena wanted to be away from him for more than that long. She wasn’t mad or anything about that recent change, she just wanted to go back to how everything was before this. Before the icy atmosphere between Bucky and Steve, before the mistrust between herself and the captain, almost to before the civil war. But then she wouldn’t have her new friends, the people who helped her stay semi-sane when she lost Bucky. Lena couldn’t just let them go, she needed them now.

“I know, Bucky, I won’t actually punch him. I’d make for a terrible Avenger, remember the last mission I went on? I’d probably end up breaking my hand or something if I tried to punch him. I’ll leave the beat down of bad guys to you and the others.”

“...Sorry, I just-”

“Don’t apologize. It’s fine, I know you just wanna keep me safe, can’t be mad at you for that. I was just thinking that a lots happened, you know? I kinda wanna go back to when it was just the two of us living peacefully. Having movie marathons and ice cream sundaes for diner. Going to the festivals and the park.”

“Me too, doll.” Bucky kisses her temple, remembering all the good times they had had. “Hey, Scott had a great idea. Found us a cabin we could go and stay at for a while, just the two of us. I was gonna ask you if to go once you were back on your feet, but it might be good to just relax.”

“Really? It’d be like camping kind of...” Something in the back of Lena’s mind reminded her of a conversation she had with Scott about camping. Well, maybe she had that conversation, it’s kind of a blur.

“Yeah, without having to worry about a tent breaking or inflatable mattresses deflating. You wanna go?”

Lena nodded into his shoulder, eyes finally drifting shut. Bucky kissed the top of her head again before closing his own eyes. This would be good for them, he was sure of it.

~~~~~

“It’s amazing!” Lena dropped the one small bag that Bucky had let her carry in on the floor next to the door, taking in the small cabin in all of its perfection. It wasn’t super fancy or high tech, just a cozy little cabin for two.

Bucky stumbles into the room, the bags catching on the door and making him fall in a heap at his wife’s feet. Lena turns with a teasing smile and rests her hands on her hips.

“I told you that would happen if you tried to take it all in at once. I could have helped you.”

“I’m fine, Lena, just fine.” He says from the floor, lightheartedly glaring up at his wife. It’s worth it, he thought, if I can get her to smile. Once he was back on his feet, they walked farther into the cabin, setting the bags on the bed. “This **is** nice.” He took a minute to really look around and nodded, Scott had chosen well. This was far better than any fancy place that Tony would have set them up with.

“We can have s’mores every night.” Lena murmured in awe under her breath as she looked out the window and saw a fire pit. Bucky chuckled, pulling her in for a tight hug.

“We can do whatever the hell we want, doll. We don’t have to worry about anything, not the Avengers, not the world, not training, not missing memories, nothing. Just you and me, finally.”

“I’m glad you’re back, Bucky.” She whispered into his chest, voice shaking as she tried not to cry again. It felt like all she’d done recently was cry, sleep, and cry some more.

“Ain’t leaving you again, doll, I swear.”

~~~~~

“You just let them go?!” Steve shouted in disbelief. There was a huge threat on the way, granted they didn’t know when Thanos was getting there, but still! Buck and Lena shouldn’t just be off playing family in the woods.

“Chill, Capsicle, Barnes is with her and protective as hell. Nothing is going to hurt her, and he’s not going to let anything happen to himself. He couldn’t protect her if he did. Besides, aren’t you in World War Three with him?”

“Doesn’t mean I want him dead!” Everyone had picked up on the fact that Bucky and Steve were at odds and would continue to be for some time. It had... well, everyone would be lying if they said it didn’t affect the team dynamics at least a little.

“It’s not like they can’t call us if something goes wrong, Steve.” Scott walks up, covered in sweat from training.

“But-”

“Relax, they need this. Everything that happened took its toll on them, Lena especially. They need time to get back to normal- to recover- and I’m not going to let anyone get in the way of that.” Scott’s voice turned serious as he almost glared at Steve. “Leave them be, Steve, or he really will never forgive you.” With that Scott turned and marched to his room for a shower.

Steve just sighed, he’d pissed everyone off it seems.

“Can you at least tell me where-”

“Nope!” Scott yelled back at him as he continued to walk.

“You didn’t really expect him to give you the address, did you?” Tony pipes up with an almost sympathetic smile and a small shrug. He could only be so sympathetic with Steve after everything that had gone down.

“Not really, but it couldn’t hurt to ask.” Steve walked off, running a hand through his hair. He’d been trying to get back into Bucky and Lena’s good graces, but nothing seemed to work. Lena would at least acknowledge his existence- even if it was unhappily- when he tried to make amends, Bucky would completely ignore him. Probably because if he didn’t, Steve would get punched through a wall.

Natasha still tries to convince him that Bucky will come around sometime, they were friends after all. But Steve wasn’t so sure, he’d never seen Bucky like this with anyone. Maybe it was too late already, maybe that ship had sailed and it was never coming back no matter what Steve did. The thought haunted him as he changed directions and headed towards the gym. Maybe punching something would make him feel a bit better...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is a tad bit shorter than usual, but I'm trying to tie up lose ends and still let Lena and Bucky have a nice vacation of sorts. Anyways, thanks for the comments, kudos, and everything else. You guys have been great. :)

“Come on, Lena, it’ll be fun!” Bucky said from outside the room, already in swim trunks.

“I look stupid!”

“You always look stunning, doll, what are you talking about?”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“No it-”

“That time I ate an entire container of ice cream and then threw up for an hour?”

“...Touché... But you haven’t eaten any ice cream unless you’ve been holding out on me and keeping it for yourself. Come on, doll.”

“I look stupid in a swimming suit, it fine for you cause yours are basically just shorts. But I look dumb.” Lena whined, quickly huddling under the covers of the bed when Bucky opened the door and walked.

“I get to be the judge of that.” Lena just shook her head, clutching the blankets tighter. “Come on, let me see.”

“Go away, you can swim without me.”

“Now, where’s the fun in that?” He tugs on the blanket, but Lena holds fast. “Lena...” His tone softens as he sits next to her, pulling her and the mass of blankets into his lap. “I’m the only one who’s gonna see.”

“That’s not the problem.”

“What?” This confused him. If no one else was going to see, why was she so determined not to leave the room?

_“You’re_ going to see, that’s the problem. I’m getting fat...”

“It’s just a small bump, what’re you talking about? You can’t even see it if you wear a sweatshirt or something more lose.”

“A swimsuit isn’t lose.”

“Sweetheart, you’re not fat. Now, in a few months...” He trails off with a teasing smile, ignoring the elbow Lena jabs into his ribs. “You’re having twins, you’re not getting fat. If anything, it’s the kids, they’re getting fat, you are just carrying them. Come on, it’ll be no fun without you.”

Lena softly sighed, looking intently into Bucky’s eyes for any sign that he was lying. Although, if he was I doubt I could tell, she thought to herself. But he doesn’t lie to me, he always feels super guilty when he tries.

“Fine...” Bucky jumped up with a grin and gently set Lena back on her feet. “But I want a piggy back ride to the lake, I won’t be able to have them in a few months...” He just rolled his eyes, stuffing some towels and sunscreen into a bag.

“You gotta hold the bag then.”

“Fair enough.”

After Bucky slipped his shoes on, Lena hopped on his back, telling him to pick up the pace or they’d never get to swim. Without giving Lena any time to take the command back, Bucky started running down the trail, earning a shrill yelp from his wife.

“Slow down or I’m going to throw up on you!!” Bucky slowed to a stop, trying very hard not to fall over laughing. “You big dork!” She pulled out a folded towel from the bag and started to beat him with it, only making him laugh harder.

“You said go faster…”

“I didn’t mean it literally and you know it...”

“Alright, alright, I’ll be good.” Reluctantly Lena stuffs the towel back into the bag. True to his word Bucky starts walking nice and slow down the trail again. Once she’s sure it’s safe again, Lena rests her chin on his shoulder.

“If you try and throw me into the lake when we get there, you’re going to be eating stuffed peppers for the rest of your life.” She muttered, knowing that he hated peppers with a passion.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, doll.”

~~~~~

“So, what do you think?” Tony stood back and let everyone into the room, arms crossed over his chest in satisfaction at their stunned silence. They looked around in awe, smiles all every face.

“They are going to love this, Tony.” Scott was the first to speak up, still wandering around the nursery room that Tony had put together. The walls were colorfully painted, stenciled grass and flowers decorated the bottom sections just above the trim, butterflies dotted the walls here and there, a light blue sky with clouds filled the rest of the space. There were toys, and cribs, and changing tables, everything they could possible need all right here and waiting.

“Yeah? I was thinking it might be too much for Itsy, I know she doesn’t like to make a big deal out of stuff...”

“You did good.” Natasha smiled, but the pain in her eyes wasn’t completely hidden. She couldn’t ever have this rose colored world, not matter how badly she wished for it. They had taken it away from her, to make her a better spy, a better weapon, a better tool. Tony managed a sympathetic smile and patted her shoulder before letting Bruce awkwardly wrap an arm around her.

“Still gotta get some of those glow in the dark stars and shit. Also, I need to get-”

“What is this colorful room?” Thor’s booming voice echoed from the doorway, everyone spinning fast to look at him.

“Geez, you could at least stomp around so we know you’re there, how does a big guy like you **not** stomp?” Tony shook his head before smiling again and motioning to his handy work. “It’s a room for the babies. Pretty nice, right?”

Thor glanced around before shrugging. Tony’s smile fell, eyes narrowing as he stared at the god.

“...Just a shrug, that’s it? This is the best kids room ever designed and I just get a shrug for that?”

“Um... It is very nice looking!” The compliment just made Tony’s eye start to twitch, how could this man not see the greatness that was this room?! “Where is the tiny one?”

“She and Bucky are out on a little vacation, taking a break from Avenging and being our caretaker.” Scott answered as he dug through the different toys. “You know, I saw this great stuffed dog-”

“No one wants your nightmare dolls, Scott.” Sam interrupted him before he could finish, having seen enough of the toys he had gotten Cassie over the years.

“It was normal looking...” Scott muttered, resuming his dig, looking for God knows what.

“I thought the kitchen looked a bit bare.” Thor nodded, moving his large frame off to the side so Natasha could leave. “None of you can make food as good as she does.”

“Well sorry I’m not a master chef.” Tony threw his hands up in exasperation. “Why don’t you give it a try?”

“I do not know any of your Midgardian dishes, I know only of Asgardian food.”

“That a bunch of bull shit and you know it.” Tony muttered as he walked out with Scott in tow, no one was going to mess up the room before Itsy-Bitsy could see it. And, because he was leading the group, he missed the smirk that stretched across Thor’s face. “Before I forget, I need your hammer again, I wanna run a few more tests.”

“Of course. Would you like to try picking it up again?” Thor swung the hammer around with ease, a big grin tugging at his features when Tony grumbled no.

“Just give it to Vision...”

"Are you sure, who know's maybe you've become worthy."

"I will use my repulsors and blast you out the nearest window." Thor's booming laugh echoed throughout the Tower, Tony could help but smile too. The tension from before had, for the most part vanished. They were still expecting some alien guests, and Tony was sure there was going to be a big fight, but they would cross that bridge when they got there. No sense in freaking out about it. In all honesty, they probably all should have taken a small vacation. But Tony figured Steve would have a heart attack if he brought up the idea, he's still trying to get Lena and Bucky back.

Everyone needs this, Tony thought, a nice day just to unwind. No missions, no training, admittedly not as yummy food as they're used to. Steve had been absent from most of the movie nights, and games nights, also didn't join the little party they threw. That didn't stop Tony from trying to drag him into the fun. He might not still like Steve 100% after what he had done, but he couldn't stay mad at him forever. Steve was a part of this team and he needed to relax as much as anyone. He also needs to get over himself. Yeah, he messed up big time, broke a lot of trust, but Bucky hadn't killed him. Lena can sit next to him and not try to hit him.  He needs to apologize- really apologize, not just mutter I'm sorry- and then give them some alone time to accept it, because they will eventually.

There was still a chance for everyone to be a team again and for that Tony was eternally grateful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	75. Chapter 75

What was supposed to be a simple vacation has turned into something more. Bucky and I have just stayed at the cabin for almost three months now. We’ve had everyone over a handful of times for campfires and little get together, but we’ve yet to head back to the tower to stay. It’s nice to just be ourselves for a while, to not have to worry about saving the world or aliens.

The babies started to kick the other day, hard enough for Bucky to feel it. I thought he was going to cry. I’m... huge. And I’m only five months along! I can just imagine the blimp like size I will be when I’m at nine months with these two.

“Thor, don’t forget to grab the chocolate!” I remind the man walking away from the car. He turns on his heels and opens the door again, rummaging around until he finds the grocery bag with the s’mores goodies.

“I’ve got them, tiny one!” He bellows even though he’s only a few feet away. “Hello, children!” Thor bends over when he’s next to me, face right in front of my blimp like abdomen. “I hope all is well!” I’m not entirely sure he understands that he doesn’t need to scream a greeting at them every time he comes over, but it’s too cute to tell him to stop. A giggle escapes as I pat his head, telling him that the kids are fine as we walk into the cabin.

Bucky, Scott, Vision, Steve and Sam are all in the middle of an intense game of poker, Vision’s going to win again. He’s scarily good at poker.

Steve and Bucky have... well, they’ve kinda worked things out. Bucky doesn’t trust him, he’s still angry about what he did, but he can at least talk to Steve without throwing punches. Now, he doesn’t let Steve anywhere near me, not at the table, not around the campfire, me being in the same room as Steve put’s Bucky on edge. He knows it’s irrational and he’s being too overprotective, but he just can’t seem to help it.

I’ve kinda forgiven Steve... it’s hard to explain. I’ve forgiven him for wanting to keep Bucky the way he was in the 40’s, I’ve forgiven him for trying to keep Bucky away from me to keep him from any kind of mental break. I haven’t forgiven him for ignoring my wishes to keep Wanda out of his head, I haven’t forgiven him doing the one thing that scares Bucky the most.

Steve gives me an awkward attempt at a smile when I walk past, and I manage a small smile of my own. Scott quietly makes a teasing remark about my size to Sam, but I’m not deaf.

“Someone doesn’t want to eat, it seems.” I tell him as I put my hands on my hips, raising an eyebrow and waiting for a response.

“But it’s true-” In the blink of an eye I smack him with a dish towel from the counter, I’ve become quite impressive with one of these. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!!” In his attempt to dodge my attacks he drops his card, everyone at the table quickly leaned over to see them.

“I knew you were bluffing, you’ve gotta tell.” Bucky says with a smug grin, leaning back in his chair and waiting for Sam to go.

“I do not-”

“Yes, you do.” Everyone at the table cuts him off at once, all of them smiling at the man.

“...Really?”

“Yep, sucks to suck, Scott. Raise.” Bucky tosses more chips into the center of the table, and I do mean chips. Sour cream and onion flavored I’m pretty sure.

“Itsy, you call this a coffee machine!?” Tony yells from the kitchen and I can only sigh. Sometimes I think he’s just a little too spoiled.

“It makes coffee, right?”

“If you can even call this coffee!” Tony thrusts the mug of coffee under my nose and I roll my eyes.

“Drama queen.” I mutter as I take a sip.

“I’m wounded! Pregnancy has changed you, Itsy-Bitsy, it’s _changed_ you!” He turns dramatically, making a show out of it and causing everyone in the room sigh. Everyone but me that is, I’m too busy laughing. “It's nice to see you laugh and all, but really, this is just warm bath water.”

“So drink some water. Or soda. Or juice. Problem solved. Now, you going to help cook?”

“We’ve gotten really good at cooking, Itsy, I can make all sorts of-”

“We eat take out.” Natasha adds, stealing some chips from the guys. **“Lots** of take out.”

“I thought so. Come on, Tony...”

He opens his mouth to say something but thinks better of it, quickly slinking away. With a shrug I start to cook. Pleasing everyone in this crowd is a pain, but worth it I suppose when they're all happy.

~~~~~

“Come here, doll.” I turn from Bruce’s explanation of something very science-y to see Bucky about to arm wrestle Tony in his Iron Man suit.

“Um... What are you-”

“Need you to judge.” He says it like it’s just another day in the office.

“You guys are going to break the table. I like that table!” The both turn to me, Tony loses the Iron Man mask just to make sure I can see the pout. “How old are you guys!?”

“Old enough to arm wrestle!” Tony quickly assures. I look back and forth between the two before sighing.

“Alright, go ahead.” Everyone falls silent as they start, they’re arms both whirring as they try and slam the others into the table. If I didn’t know better I’d say they haven’t even started, neither of their arms moving more than a fraction of an inch.

“I can win this.” Thor mutters, winking at me with a sly smile. He steps forwards, holding his hand out for his magical mystical hammer. I can never get the name of it right, I’ve stopped trying to even bother. Before Bucky or Tony could move, Thor puts his hammer on top of their hands, the weight of it slamming both of their hands down onto the table.

“Thor!” Bucky roars, trying to pull his hand out from under it to no avail.

“That’s cheating!” Tony yells. “Vision, take it and never give it back!!”

“I am not getting in the middle of this.”

“Okay, okay, seriously. Don’t break my table!”

“I am sorry, Lena, I could not resist.” He smiles, nodding in apology before picking the hammer up from the table.

“That doesn’t count-”

“Well, that’s too bad. The rest of us are going to have some s’mores. I guess you’ll have to live without.” I grab Thor’s arm and start to pull him away, making sure not to let him mess with the guys anymore. Bucky and Tony share a look before nodding.

“Later.” They both stand, Tony going after Thor for interfering. Bucky pulls me away from the mess and over to the fire Steve had started.

“Thanks, Steve.” Bucky says, voice tightening as he tries to smile.

“No problem, figured we should let it burn a little before roasting the marshmallows. How’re the kids?” Steve asks quietly, glancing at me. Bucky’s arm tightens around my shoulder but I manage a smile for Steve anyways.

“Good, good, they’re good. Kicking and stuff.” Steve nods and an awkward silence fills the air.

“Here, sit.” Steve moves out of the way, motioning to one of the benches. “I’m-”

“I want s’mores!” Cassie comes running over to the fire, Scott and Wanda in tow. Cassie gets a kick out of Wanda’s powers, especially when Wanda makes her float around. With her shrill cry comes the rest of the group, whatever Steve was going to say was quickly drowned out.

“We can talk later.” The serious tone of Bucky’s voice makes me nervous. I don’ want any more awkward conversations...! But Steve nods and I slump that much further against Bucky.  With a lot less enthusiasm than moments ago, I begin to make the s'mores.  At least Cassie is here to keep everyone on their toes and make sure they're not focused on me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	76. Chapter 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty guys, I think we are nearing an end. It's still up in the air and I'm not 100% sure of it yet, but it might just happen. That being said, thanks for all the comments/kudos/hits, I never thought that my little story would ever get much of anything so it's really awesome to see. :)

“Come on, we can head inside. They can manage the s’mores for a while.” Bucky murmurs, helping me to my feet before leading Steve and I inside. We sit down and for several awkward moments we sit in silence in the dark cabin. “What was it you wanted?” His voice was guarded as he spoke, hand holding mine tightly under the table.

“I’m sure you aren’t going to like this, but I think it’s time for you guys to come back to the tower. Not for missions or anything, not even to cook for us,” Steve smiles in my direction but his eyes quickly snap back to Bucky. “Lena is getting closer and closer each day, everyone - Tony and Scott especially- would feel better if she weren’t in the middle of a forest away from all medical help. There’s also the matter of Thanos. Thor... he can’t find out much on the guy. But he **is** coming, Thor thinks it’s for the infinity stone that Vision has. It’s... you can have him explain it sometime, they’re just some really powerful something or others that have begun turning up across the universe. I-”

“I can’t-” Bucky tries to cut him off but Steve raises a hand, stopping him in his tracks.

“Please let me finish. I know that you’ve got no reason to listen to me, no reason to trust me. But you both are still important to me, to the team. I- we- really would like it if you were somewhere where we could keep you safe. Mostly keep Lena safe that is, you can handle yourself Buck.” Steve tries to laugh but it only makes the heavy silence

_**“If**_ we do, I won’t be going on missions. Not a single one for any reason.” After a long contemplative moment Bucky speaks up.

“I know.”

“Lena won’t be cooking every meal for you guys. If she’s feeling up to it and wants to then fine, otherwise you guys are on your own.”

“Of course.”

Bucky and Steve stop talking then, just staring at each other. What they’re thinking is anyone’s guess, but the tense atmosphere in here is about to smother me.

“Let me talk with Lena.” Steve’s answering sigh is... kind of expected. He’s not exactly the waiting kind of guy, Steve want’s answers as soon as possible, as evident from past actions. But, knowing that he’ll only make matters worse if he refuses, Steve wisely listens to my pleading eyes and walks out of the cabin and back to the fire.

“All this stress isn’t good for me, I’m going to end up eat five more s’mores. Then it really will be me getting fat...”

“Sorry doll. So, what do you want to do? I can’t really argue with Steve’s reasons but that doesn’t mean that we have to do what he says.” I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes.

Why did everything have to get so complicated?

“I don’t know, Bucky. I miss everyone being the silly awkward family that we were, I miss making breakfast for everyone and watching as everyone just took a minute to be normal. But... but everything’s changed, what if we can’t be like that anymore? I mean, everything that happened with Steve... that was huge. I can’t just overlook what he did to you, that was so not okay. Everyone could have stopped him, could have told him to slow down and think, but no one did. I can’t just forget that. I’ve forgiven them, I mean, Steve _is_ Captain freaking America, he couldn’t _possibly_ do any wrong, that's what they thought. But then he did and everything was bad. What if they blame me? Maybe I should have been stronger, less emotional, maybe then...”

To be honest, we’ve both been avoiding this subject like the plague. That’s dumb, I know, because nothing is ever going to get better if we just ignore it. It feels like a damn broke and everything I’ve held inside is spilling out and really wish it wouldn’t.

“You did **nothing** wrong, Lena, not a damn thing. What do you mean you should have been stronger, less emotional? You lost your husband- I was taken away- if that didn’t at least hurt a little I’d be concerned. You’re human Lena, and compared to the rest of us you’re astonishingly normal. You reacted the way any normal human being with a shattered heart would. No one blames you. And if anyone did, they wouldn’t once I got my hands on them.”

He kisses the top of my head, but I can’t help the sigh.

“I miss everyone...”

“So let’s go back. I’ll go get Steve.” He must have been right outside the door because Bucky doesn’t even get a chance to stand up before Steve comes back. “You could at least act like you weren’t eavesdropping.” Bucky’s voice turns icy, his eyes narrowing.

“I wasn’t- it’s not- I just was by the door, I didn’t listen to you guys! I swear.”

“Right. We’ll go back. Think you guys could help us move?”

“Yes!” Everyone outside yelled, Bucky and I freezing in our seats. How did they...?

“Could everyone hear everything we just said?”

“The cabins got thin walls, also, every door and window is open.” Bucky sighs, gently shaking his head. “Glad you guys are coming back!”  Tony's carefree voice makes me feel a bit better.

Maybe this won't be so bad...

~~~~~

The move was a lot easier than I thought it would be, having an entire army of people helping made it easier. Especially when those people have special powers. Vision was super helpful.

That being said, it’s awkward.

Scott and Tony act as the used to, lots of goofing off on their part but other than that, it’s all weird. Steve walks on eggshells around Bucky and I, and everyone else walks on eggshells around Steve. I don’t know how I’m supposed to interact with Steve anymore, human interactions never been a strong suit. Human interactions in awkward situations is even worse for me.

And so, because none of us really wants to deal with anything, Bucky and I go out a lot.

~~~~~

We just got done at the hospital and I’ve got ultrasound pictures to show everyone, both of us in a cheerful mood. Our little babies are perfect, so cute and tiny.

Bucky and I are walking down the street back to the tower, he’s got his baseball cap and sunglasses, insisting on his heavy jacket even though it’s plenty warm outside. No one is even hunting him anymore, I think he could probably calm down but if he feels more comfortable with it then whatever.

“I want grapefruit sorbet.” I move to link arms with Bucky, happily nodding along with my idea.

“Okay, where do they sell grapefruit sorbet?”

“No idea... but I want it.”

“Wait, you hate grapefruit.”

“Yeah, I do. It’s gross, but I want some grapefruit sorbet.” Bucky shrugs and we keep walking, looking around for any sort of shop that might have my craving. “Oh, or candied bacon. Or just bacon... Nutella! I need some Nutella right now.” Bucky rolls his eyes but he’s smiling none the less.

“Come on, we’ve got a lot of stops to make.”

That’s how we ended up stopping at 17 different restaurants and food stalls on the way home from the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, next chapter done. I don't know how much farther I'm going to take this story, might leave it open ended to leave room for a sequel if I get any ideas. 
> 
> Well, whatever the case is, thanks for reading and being so nice. You guys really are the best! :)

“You got out of bed wrong.” Bucky says as I try and stand up from the warm bed. “You can’t strain your abdominal muscles, they’ve got enough to worry about.” He moves over and helps me up, my blimp of a stomach not helping my balance any. “Come on, let’s get you in the bath-”

“I can take a bath by myself.” I bite out, cranky just because.

“I know that, doll, I just want to help-”

“It’s fine.” I bat away his doting hands and waddle to the bathroom slowly. There is nothing I hate more than the fact that I waddle everywhere now. It’s just ridiculous. I thought it was bad at six months, and to be fair, it was. But now that they are due in a week, give or take, it’s so much worse.

I’m either crying or cranky all the time, my back always hurts, I look so very fat, and the kids are playing soccer or something equally active sport inside of me because they won’t stop kicking.

Bucky thinks I’m made out of glass now, I had no idea he could worry this much. I so much as wince at something and he’s got painkillers, a glass of water, and the medical team for me in seconds. There have been so many false alarms that Bucky’s called that I feel bad for the staff. They’re not here to take care of me, they’re supposed to take care of the Avengers. Although Tony did set up a special area so I wouldn’t have to go to a hospital to give birth, got the doctors and everything... Bucky’s overprotective and Tony is... well, I guess that’s all just normal Tony stuff. I think he gets bored in his workshops all alone sometimes.

With great effort I bend over awkwardly and reach for the shower knob. After a lot of growling on my part I manage to get the water going. Everything is so much harder when you’re pregnant! I... I shouldn’t have snapped at Bucky, I can’t get the damn shirt over my head.

As I walk back out to the room my foot connects with something hard and blinding pain shots through my leg.

**“Fuck!”** I scream, trying to lean against the wall and not fall over. The thundering footsteps of my dear husband are followed by several other pairs and soon I’ve got Bucky, Vision, Scott, and Natasha all standing in the bathroom. “You guys... There is no way I was that loud!” I glare at them as Bucky help me sit down, carefully looking at my foot.

“You didn’t break anything.”

“Of course I didn’t break anything, I’m not that strong.”

“How did you not see the...” Scott trails off eyes landing on my stomach. “Well, you are really-”

“Don’t you dare say it, Scott. I will poison you food.”

“... I was... I was going to say that you are... um, really close to... the due date!” My eyes narrow but I drop the hair brush I was going to throw anyways.

“No you weren’t, but thanks for not saying what you were going to.”

“Alright, everything is fine. Lena’s gonna shower now, so you all get out.” Bucky nearly shoved them out the door. Strange, he’s been getting better at interacting with everyone normally again.

“What was all that about?”

“You’re only in a sleep shirt!!” Bucky yells making sure the door was firmly shut behind him.

“No one is going to try and jump me, I look like a blimp and a hot air balloon had a kid.”

“You don’t know that, there are weird people out there...” He continues to rant on and on about everything that could possibly go wrong. I tune him out, trying to stand back up again.

“Can you help me out of the shirt and into the bath, please?” I grab his shoulders, squeezing them tight and glaring murderously up at him. “My back hurts.” Bucky mutely nods and in no time at all I’m in the hot water relaxing. Some bubble would be nice... I lean over, stretching as far as I could to get to the light brown bottle. The tips of my fingers can almost touch it, I’m so close-

“You could just ask, Lena. Please don’t strain yourself.”

“You don’t have to-” This time he’s the one to cut me off with a glare. “...thanks...” Bucky rolls his eyes before heading over to the sink and washing up, the smell of whatever soap he used mixing with the vanilla of the bath bubbles... Smells nice... “I love you Bucky.” I blurt out, I do feel bad for how hard I must be to put up with, it’s not Bucky’s fault.

“I know, I love you too.” With a hand on either side of the tub he leans over and kisses me softly. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Grapefruit and some mashed potatoes. Not mixed, that’d be gross.”

“Yeah, that’d be complete out of character for your cravings. What was it that I had to find the other day, and when I couldn’t find anywhere that sold it I tried to make it? Something about deep-fried Oreos? That’s just pushing it too far, doll.”

“It was good, I used to get them as a kid when we’d go to the fair.”

“If you say so.” Bucky leaves for a while before coming back with a tray and a fluffy towel. “Come on, you’re going to get all wrinkled if you stay in there too long.” I guess I’m lucky Bucky’s so sweet, I couldn’t do this without him. He turns so I can dry off and when he does I can see the start of a bruise on the back of his shoulder.

“Did I hit you last night?” With gentle finger I trace of the spot. I don’t remember hitting him, but I don’t know what else it could be.

“Yeah, you had a nightmare. Screaming about that alien. I’ve gotta hand it to you, even when you’re sleeping you can punch pretty well.” Bucky laughs but I can’t even manage a smile. Why can I never remember the nightmares? I used to be able to remember all my dreams, good and bad, after I woke up. Now there’s just nothing...

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“Come on, don’t look to down. It’s nothing, certainly no worse than I’ve done to you during my nightmares. Now, let’s get you dressed and you can come and eat.”

“It’s weird having you take care of me so much, I used to be the one reminding you to eat. Back in Romania when you’d go on your little missions you’d forget to eat sometimes. Then when you’d get back you’d decimate the fridge.” A fond smile brightens my face and a soft sigh escapes at the thought of the old times.

“Then you’d yell at me, you left that part out.”

“Well, I was trying to keep it happy. You so deserved to be yelled at, though. Who doesn’t eat a real meal for three days? Stupid people, that’s who.”

“I’m wounded...”

“Liar, I can hear the smile in your voice.”

“I can be wounded and still smile.” I turn around and if I had any hips to put my hands on I would do it.

“Just admit it, you were a little stupid back then. But you’re much smarter now... more or less...” I tease him as I waddle closer, slowly sitting at the table with him.

“Tony was right, pregnancy has changed you, my dear sweet Lena. You're so mean these days.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, poor Bucky. Food please.”

“You do know that as soon as you’re not pregnant anymore I’m going to get you back for all the teasing. Nine months’ worth of teasing... it’s gonna be fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	78. Chapter 78

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, so yeah, I took the cheater way out... Thank god for different perspectives I can write from. 
> 
> So, I'm thinking a few more chapter before we have our happily ever after. Depends on how much I can write for Bucky dealing with kids. It sounds adorable, so hopefully a lot, but you never know. :)
> 
> Any ways, thank you all for reading and commenting and leaving kudos. Y'all are the best. :D

“Oh my God, this is happening!” Tony runs around making sure everything is just right as Lena goes into surgery, I stand on the other side of the doors frozen. She didn’t want me in there, didn’t want me freaking out on the doctors and punching someone. It’s a fair point, I’m much more protective of Lena after all that happened with the alien and Steve.

**_She’ll die. She’s too tiny to have twins safely, she can’t handle it._ **

You’re wrong, I mean, that’s why she’s having a c-section, but she’s going to be fine. Tony’s got the best doctors he could find in there. My Lena... she’s going to be fine. She’d gonna be a mother, I’m gonna be a father, we’re gonna have the cutest kids.

“Tin Man, how are you not freaking out?” Tony asks me, shaking my shoulders as if to get his point across. I can’t even look at him, my eyes are locked on the door as I try and listen to what’s going on behind it. “Oh, I see. You are freaking out. Silently... Smart, Lena wouldn’t be too pleased if you started knocking people out because of the stress or something.”

I want so badly to be in there with her, almost more than anything in my whole life. It’s killing me having to stand here and guess what’s happening.

“Buck.” Steve says my name as he walks up and my shoulders tense, as if I wasn’t tense enough... “I guess it’s finally time, huh?”

“Yeah, it is.” I manage a mutter, my eyes glued to the door but I’m following Steve’s every move in my peripherals.

“Always knew you’d be a father someday...” With great effort I bite back the comment about how if he thought that the why did he keep Lena and the kids from me. Instead I just nod.

“Scott get back from the mission yet? I know Lena wanted him here to see the babies when they were born.”

“Should be here within the hour.”

**_Scott tried to steal Lena away from you while you were useless. He can’t be trusted. Lena loves him more than you._ **

No, he’s the one who looked after Lena, he’s one of the few that can be trusted. I owe him a lot. I mean, sure, I’m a little jealous of how close he and Lena are, but not because I think she’ll cheat on me. I used to be the one she’d rely on all the time, it’s hard letting some of that go.

Everything is relatively quite, apart from Steve’s awkward attempts to hold up a conversation and Tony’s ramblings. Natasha is sitting quietly with the others, all of them perfectly calm.

“Did I miss it?!” Scott comes rushing in, still in his gear, and skids to a stop next to me.

“No, she’s still in there... It’s been half an hour, they should be born already, right? The doctors said getting the baby out wouldn’t take too long, getting Lena back in one non-sliced piece would take up the most time. Did something happen?” The nerves finally get the best of me and I start pacing, my hands shaking as I stuff them in my pockets.

**_I told you, they’re dying, they’re dead. You lost your family._ **

“Shut up!” I yell, running my hands through my hair. Every turns and stares at me, Scott carefully resting a hand on my shoulder.

“No one said anything, man. You alright?” I take a calming breath, not that it helped, before nodding.

“Sorry, I’m- I’m fine.”

“I’m sure everything is fine, they’d tell you if it weren’t.” Scott’s smile is as carefree and happy as always, how he manages to be this positive on a daily basis is beyond me. Maybe it’s good he’s friends with Lena, she could use someone happy-go-lucky in her life...

“Mr. Barnes.” At the sound of the doctor calling my name I literally shove Steve and Scott out of the way in my hurry to reach him. He doesn’t seem depressed or anything, relaxed enough... Everything’s fine?

“Yes?” My voice, much to my embarrassment, cracks a little.

“Follow me, please.” I don’t need to be told twice.

Lena’s in bed, not looking the greatest but her eyes are open and two small bundles rest in her arms. I freeze not five steps from her when I see the face of the first little baby.

_**So innocent, you don’t deserve them.** _

It’s too pure, too innocent, I can’t touch it, I shouldn’t even look at it! How did I think this would be a good idea?! Oh god, I can’t! I’ll break them, I’ll ruin them!

Just as I start to take a step backwards a hand presses against my back and keeps me in place. Scott’s standing there when I turn, smiling at me for a moment before his eyes land back on the kids.

“Bucky... look.” Lena smiles even though she’s crying, moving the kids so I can see both their faces. Tiny with chubby cheeks, all scrunched up as they makes silly baby noises. “Two daughters.” She says, beaming at me. “Come on, they’ve gotta see their dad.”

“No, I- I shouldn’t. It’s alright, they’re happy where they are, I’ll just-” Before I can finish, one of the nurses is placing a baby in my arms. Lena must have warned them I’d act like this, she knows me too well.

My daughter... She’s so perfect...

I kneel next to Lena’s bed, holding my daughter- our daughter- so she could see the both of them. God, we’re both crying now...

“We gotta name them, Bucky. Our daughters, we gotta name them.”

“I can’t remember what we picked for girls...” I admit with a laugh.

_**You don’t-** _

Lena’s bright smile cuts off the negative thoughts, the baby’s tiny hand patting my own further distracting me. Fuck that, I’m happy- I’m ecstatic- and **nothing** is going to ruin this for me, not this time.

“Rose Claire Barnes and Sophia Elizabeth Barnes.” Scott provides from the other side of the bed where he’s gently stroking the baby’s head. “Lena, you’d go on and on about what you’d name them, those were the two names you both liked best. If it were boy’s I’m pretty sure you were going to go with Phillip Timothy Barnes and William Samuel Barnes. I think...”

“What would we do without you, Scott?” Lena asks before she starts to murmur Rose and Sophia back and forth at our daughters.

~~~~~

It’s been two days since little Rose and Sophia were born, Bucky’s been staying with me the whole time, and there’s a lot of crying on both sides. I mean, it’s just a lot to take in. I never thought I’d be a mom, he never thought he could be a dad. With everything that happened with the alien I wasn’t sure he’d even be here for this moment, but despite the odds here we both are.

“Tony, you wanna be a godfather?” I ask when he walks in with some smuggled in spicy food for me. The doctors won’t give me any, but with enough begging Tony agreed to bring me some. It’s good the plate was above the small table because he dropped it.

_“What?!”_

“A godfather, do you want to be a godfather? Scott is, and I’d like you to be one too. It’d feel weird trying to find someone to be the godmother just so we can have someone so we’re just picking two godfathers.”

“I- I can’t, there is no way... I’m not a good...”

“I think you’d make a good godfather.” I smile up at him and he just stares back at me with wide eyes. For several long moment’s he searches my eyes, for what I don’t know, but he must have found it because he slowly nods. “You wanna hold one of them? You’re the only one so far who hasn’t.”

“No, they’re so small, I don’t wanna...” I told the nurses that when Bucky got in here he’d try and back away so just hand one of our daughters to him really fast before he could. I mentioned the same thing about Tony. Kailey, who has to be one of the nicest nurses I’ve ever met, does just that. Little Rose is soon happily sleeping away in Tony’s arms. "You guys did good."  He mumbles, carefully tracing one finger over Rose's features.

My eyes start to close again, my head landing next to Bucky's on the pillow.  I've been really tired lately, go figure, I think I'll sleep some more.  Tony and Kailey can watch the kids...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	79. Chapter 79

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bam! Short little snapshot number one done. There is a bit of a time skip, but I think you guys could figure that out.

Seeing Bucky rocking two little babies to sleep is something I will never get used to. His face is relaxed, his eyes soft as he gazes down at his daughters. He had been trying to keep them away from his metal arm, but little Sophia seemed to like the shiny metal. She would scream and cry until she got that arm to nap in.

They have got everyone in this tower under their spell, the Avengers, the security guys, the secretaries, the janitors, everyone. Although, I think that my favorite person to watch them with, besides Bucky, is Tony. 

He talks to them like they can understand every scientific word he says, babbling on none stop as they watch him. I asked him why he was like that when everyone else just talked to them like... well, like babies. Tony just said something about jump starting their education. He was, however, slightly less pleased when they threw up all over him and his fancy new suit. 

Bucky stays home for the most part, he’ll go on a mission every now and then when they really need him but that’s it. For the most part he just helps from the tower, feeding the team information and such. He misses going on missions I think, he always did like saving people...

Every time I tell him it's fine if he goes through I get the same look, the same argument. He worries a bit too much for his own good...

"It's fine, Lena. Really. I like staying here with you and the kids. I don't need to play the hero-"

"Bucky, please. Humor me. Go on missions again, I know that you want to. You forget that I know you better than anyone, I know you're a good man. I know that you like saving people, it makes you feel like your not a weapon, that you're not under someone control. Just go on the missions where there are still Avengers left at the tower who could protect us if something did go wrong."

Bucky stares at me for a few long moments before sighing, rolling me over in bed so I'm snuggled up close to him. Just as he's about to kiss me a shrill cry comes from the kids room, quickly echoed by the other kid.

"It's you're turn, I was up with them last night." I mutter to Bucky with a smile. He just rolls his eyes.

"Get some sleep, doll."

~~~~~

“Alright, which one of you decided to stick magnets on Daddy’s arm while he slept again?” Bucky pretends to glare suspiciously at the two equally looking girls before him. What can I say, they inherited their father love of teasing. Granted the magnets don’t really bother him, well, not normally anyways. One time Rose stuck on a magnet of a pink butterfly to the back of his shoulder without him somehow noticing. He went on a mission with that butterfly... wasn’t too keen on the German spy laughing at him for it.

“It’s wasn’t us, Daddy!” Both Rose and Sophia squeal happily as their father picks them up and swings them around.

“Then who could it have been?” He turns towards me and fakes a dramatic gasp.

“Mommy, it was Mommy's plan!” Rose points at me, madly waving her little finger in the air.

“Is that true, princess?”

“Yes, she came in and- and she said she needed our magnets. She took them and she was- she was smiling. She stuck them on your arm! We did help a little...”

“What do you say, court wizard?”

“Adviser, Daddy, court adviser. Uncle Tony said that an adviser is better. Every princess needs a court adviser.”

“Right, right, I always forget.” He kisses the top of her head before letting them both down. “Did Mommy really take the magnets to play a trick on me?”

“It’s true. Mommy planned it all, we just helped a little when she stuck them on. I made sure that there were no butterfly ones, Daddy.” Sophia says with a tiny nod, patting his metal arm. She’s a little too serious for her age, and sometimes a little too smart for her own good. 

“Thank you very much, my little adviser. Hmm, we should get her back, shouldn’t we? She tried to frame you two.” Rose looks absolutely shocked that I would do such a thing and I could already see the wheels turning in Sophia’s mind as she plans out revenge. “I’ll tickle her, you guys are going to have to go in a grab the cookie dough.” He whispers rather loudly and I try my best to hold in the snicker. If I had a dollar for every time they took the cookie dough I’d be as rich as Tony... I brace for impact when I hear the rush of footsteps.

Bucky grabs me by the waist and spins me around before kissing me, his hands thankfully not tickling. 

“How was training?”

“Just peachy, doll. Peter’s getting good, although he does still talk a bit too much. You should know better than to be sticking magnets to your poor defenseless husband.” Bucky slowly kisses me again, my arms wrapping around his neck to keep him close. We laugh softly as we pull apart, the sounds of disgust from below us hard to ignore.

“That’s not tickling.” Sophia states with a frown as she carefully picks the raisins out of the dough. Rose is already decimating the bowl, eating oatmeal, raisins, and all.

“Come on then you two, Uncle Scott is taking you out to the beach with Cassie. I hear there’s even going to be ice cream. And tonight, after all your fun in the sun, we’re all going to go out for dinner. If we’re on our best behavior then this weekend we can make a fort in the living room and camp out.” I kneel down and swipe the bowl away from their greedy hands. “You had better leave some dough in the bowl for me to make cookies out of. You know how Daddy gets when he doesn’t get his cookies.” They both giggle and nod in agreement.

“I just can’t get a break.” Bucky throws his hands in the air, smiling anyways as he walks off to grab their backpacks from their room. 

“You two behave now, don’t give Uncle Scott a hard time... well, maybe just a little.” I press a kiss to each of their heads as a knock sounds at the door. 

“Uncle Scott!” They scream and race to the door, colliding with legs and hanging on tight as he walks around.

“Thanks for taking them for the day, Scott.” I give him a quick hug, Bucky giving the girls their bags.

“No problem, you two need some time to yourselves.” They walk out as rowdy as ever and I lean back against Bucky.

“You wanna go dancing?”

“Honestly? Not really. Can we just... relax and not do anything? No wait, that’s really lame. Okay, gimme a second to change-” Bucky spins me around and hugs me tight before I can run to the room.

“Sweetheart, that’s not lame. You wanna watch something? Or I can kick your butt at Trivial Pursuit again.”

“That’s not fair, your memory is better than mine, as ironic as that is. I think it counts as cheating. But a movie sounds nice.” I snuggle closer, yelping when he suddenly pulls me up and heads for the couch.

“A movie it is then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated. :)


	80. Chapter 80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter, been a while since that happened, huh? :)

“Mommy! Daddy! Wake up, wake up! It’s Christmas!” Rose’s and Sophia’s yelling wakes me up, Bucky sitting up much faster at the cries. They climb up on the bed and bounce around, knees and elbows jamming into out sides.

“It’s four in the morning, how are you even up?” I mutter, trying in vain to rub the sleep from my eyes. They had insisted we leave cookies, milk, and a sandwich for Santa in case he was hungry for more than just the cookies. There also had to be a separate plate of vegetables, hay, and a giant bowl of water for the reindeer. They don’t eat cookies Sophia pointed out as we got Santa’s plate ready. Bucky almost died trying to keep his laughter in.

“It’s Christmas, get up you lazy bones!” I slowly pan to the door where Tony and Scott both decked out in their ugly Christmas sweaters. Every year I get them a new one, this time around the ones I’m giving light up because why not.

“I repeat, it’s _four in the morning._ Why are **you** guys up? Them I can see, but you?”

“No need to be a Grinch, come on! Everyone else is up, we made sure of that, didn’t we?” He asks the two troublemakers still bouncing around. The giggle in agreement and I sigh. I’m gonna have to apologize to everyone again. Waking up this early isn’t easy when you got back from a mission late the night before. My oh so considerate daughters help push me to the edge of the bed where Scott and Tony are waiting to grab an arm each.

“I apologize Lena, I did try to dissuade them from their course, but no amount of hot chocolate would distract them. Any of them...” Vision makes sure to pointedly glance at the two grown-ups dragging me from the room. Rose and Sophie have their Dad in tow, he couldn’t say no if his life depended on it when he sees them get excited like this.

The living room area on the top floor has a big Christmas tree in the middle, colorful lights and tinsel everywhere. Vision helped the girls put the angel at the top of the tree, I think they just wanted an excuse for Vision to fly around with them.

There’s something calming about seeing the tree standing there in the otherwise dark room. For a moment we all just stare at it. Christmas has certainly gotten livelier since these two joined us, but this will always be peaceful.

“Look!” Rose screams as she points to the mostly empty plates, predictably shattering the calm atmosphere. Bucky had eaten the cookies, much to Scott’s disappointment, and Thor ate most of the sandwich. I was left with the vegetables, to no one’s surprise, Tony certainly wasn’t going to eat them. He did throw out the hay for me though, so it all worked out in the end.

We all act suitably surprised for them, sitting where they directed us to. Once everyone is in their place they start to sort through the presents that were set out under the tree. I get worried when Tony tells Rose to be really careful with the presents he got- or made- for the two of them.

As everyone takes turns unwrapping I snuggle closer to Bucky, tucking the quilt around us both. This year I helped the girls paint little snowmen statues for everyone. There was more paint on them than the snowmen by the end of it, but it was fun.

When everyone else has gone, the girls sit down next to their pile and begin. They may be a tad on the spoiled side when it comes to presents, but at least they’ve got enough manners not to go straight for their own.

“Open mine last, I don’t wanna out shine everyone else’s gift so soon.” Tony’s chest puffs out and I can’t help the sigh and worried glance at the two messily wrapped boxes. He may be a genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist but he can’t wrap presents for crap.

After many gifts they turn to Tony’s, eyes wide in anticipation.

“Am I going to be okay with these, Tony?” I whisper as they tear into the paper. He shrugs with a mischievous smile. Answer: no, I will mostly likely not be okay with-

“Repulsors!” They scream, pulling out cute little gloves. I resist the urge to face palm. That’s not what you should be giving six year olds!

“Hold on-” I sit up, reaching for the gloves but they are already slipping them on. “Tony!”

“They’re just mini ones, they can’t do much harm. Really, I swear. I wouldn’t give them actual repulsors, not yet anyways.” He raises his hands in defense, smiling bright as he watches the girls run around using the repulsors on the now empty boxes and wrapping paper balls laying around on the floor.

...I guess they don’t really do much, just shift small stuff around... and they look so happy...

“What do you say, girls?” Bucky reminds them quietly and they turn to mob the gift giver.

“Thank you Uncle Tony!”

“Did you only get a gift from him?” They shake their heads and spend the next few minutes running around hugging and thanking everyone.

Gotta love Christmas.

~~~~~

As I sit out on the balcony, snow starts to fall. It’s not a whole lot, but it’s enough to make me happy. The day has been filled with Christmas fun, ginger bread house making, lots of cookies, several games of hide and seek- Natasha won them all, not going easy on Rose and Sophia- and Christmas dinner took it out of me. But it was worth it, everyone’s happy.

“Now, what’s that smile for?” Bucky asks as he joins me, the laughter from inside the tower muffled by the sliding glass door between us. He pulls me close to his side and I can’t say no to the warmth.

“Don’t you like snow? It never feels quite like Christmas without it.”

“The snow’s alright, looks nice on a night like this.”

He kisses my cheek softly before spinning me around and starting to slowly dance. It’s more swaying than actually dancing like he usually does, but it’s nice all the same. I lean into him, letting him carry my weight.

“Entertaining everyone takes a lot of energy. You don’t always have to be the cook you know. I’m sure Tony could hire someone or something.”

“You don’t seriously expect me to let that happen, do you? It’s my family, I’ll be damned if I don’t cook for them. All of them. Even though it’s like trying to feed an army...”

“Lena, you’re too nice to everyone.” I can hear the hints of jealousy in his voice and I can’t help the small grin. After everything we’ve been through he still gets jealous over things like me cooking for everyone.

“I love you, Bucky.” Once on my tippy toes I quickly kiss him. Even after everything we’ve been through, I still blush too easily. You think I’d get used to stuff like that but no, I don’t think I ever will. How embarrassing is that?

Very slowly he moves us off to the side where people from the inside can’t see us. In a flurry of movement he’s got me pinned to the wall, feverishly kisses everywhere.

“E-everyone’s gonna s-s-see...”

“Don’t care. You’re all mine, nothing’s gonna change that. Besides, it’s not anything they haven’t seen before. I happen to like kissing you quite a lot, Mrs. Barnes, or haven’t you noticed?” Bucky purrs against my neck, my cheeks burning red and not because of the cold temperatures.

“Hard not to...” I mumble as I try and keep from making any embarrassing noises.

“Anyways, there’s nothing wrong with a husband kissin’ his wife on Christmas. Or any other day, for that matter.” As if to prove his point he kisses my cheeks, my eyes, over to my ears and down the side of my neck.

“Perhaps you could continue this once we get to our room. We really ought to get back in there, Sophia and Rose are hyped up on sugar. It’s not exactly fair to leave them to terrorize everyone else-” Bucky just smiles, continuing to kiss and bite his way across my neck. I’m about to try and say something else when familiar webbing connects to the raining followed by our friendly neighborhood spider man. I freeze, trying not to explode from embarrassment.

“Peter, if you don’t leave in the next three seconds I will destroy you in training.” The words are spoken- growled- without Bucky moving a single inch away from my neck. The menacing tone of voice would scare just about anyone, especially since we all know Bucky can back up that claim.

“I- I- I didn’t- I thought that- it’s just-” Before his time ran out he quickly kept swinging, heading to the other side of the building.

“Lena, look at me.” I shake my head, keeping it firmly pressed into his shoulder.

“You know, I didn’t think he’d be coming.” I try and sound normal as I talk, not that it works.

“Even I knew he’d show up eventually. The kid is basically one of us, he’s pretty good too.” Bucky’s hand gently smooths over my back, rubbing slow circles until I start to calm down. “I’m sorry, doll.” The soft murmur makes me sigh, it’s not like I can stay mad at him.

Very slowly I pull back, tilting me head to look at him. I hold his face in my hands, thumbs brushing over his cheek bones, my eyes warmly staring into his.

“Every once in a while isn’t so bad. That being said, you better not make a habit out of kissing the life out of me in front of soon to be Avengers. You know, I could have sworn we had this conversation before.” I tease him, grinning slightly as he tried not to look guilty.

“Really? I don’t remember. My memory is fading, I’m really old after all. You’re gonna need a wheelchair for me soon.”

“Are you sure? The elderly can’t have a plate full of cookies in one sitting, they’ve gotta be careful what they eat. I guess I should start pureeing your food for you to, wouldn’t want you to have any trouble chewing or swallowing. Oh, thickened liquids too, don’t want you to have any pulmonary aspirations.”

“Fair enough, you caught me.” He looks a little worried for a second when I mention pureeing his food. “I just can’t help it, doll, you’re too kissable.”

The man who obviously didn’t learn anything just now starts to kiss me again, but I can only giggle at the ticklish kisses. Bucky starts chuckling as he stops his onslaught of tickles. He pulls me close again, strong arms tight around me.

“Especially with your cheeks all flushed like that. Seriously, how can you expect me to resist? You’re just too cute, sweetheart.”

“Really, you’re such a dork. But guess what? I love you anyways.” I pull him down to my height and kiss him as sweetly as I can. His eyes are wide when I pull away and I can't help the smug smile as I lead us back to the railing to watch the snow fall on the city below. I’ve got a family, a wonderfully weird family made up of a dorky husband, silly daughters, goofballs, geniuses, ex-assassins, super soldiers, and mystical beings. I couldn’t be happier if I tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot I want to say, wonder if it'll fit in this 5000 character limit. :)
> 
> My little story here is done, this'll be the last chapter. I got in my cheesy happilly ever after ending, if you can find it. I think I hid it kinda well, but y'all are clever. Now, if I think of other little bits that I just have to write for them, I'll put them up as their own chapter and link it to the story (if I even can, I'm not too bright when it comes to technology). I also left it pretty open ended when it comes to Thanos. I know I hinted at him and I'd really love to write a plot where he makes an appearance, but right now I don't really have the time to write it, the energy to research him well enough to give you guys something halfway decent, and- to me at least- the story just felt like it was ready to finish. When Infinity Wars comes out, and if it's kinda compatible with what I've got here, I'll consider making a little sequel so that our dear Bucky here can finally kick his ass. :)
> 
> With that out of the way, I really just wanna thank you guys. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever be posting one of my stories for others to read. And when I did finally manage to work up the courage, I thought that a) only a few people were ever gonna read it and b) people were gonna hate it, at least a little. I was pleasantly surprised. It's been a hard year for me, the last couple months in particular, but no matter how shitty I felt from all the crap going on, I always smiled, always felt better when I saw a new comment, or a kudos, or a bookmark, even just a hit. You guys have been amazing! Those of you who commented on multiple chapters, those who bookmarked it because they thought it might be worth rereading, those who I could see were following the story, kept me going when I really just wanted to stop and leave the story unfinished. So thank you, because it feels really flipping good to finish this story on the right note. :)
> 
> You guys are the greatest, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! :D


End file.
